Why are your twenties so confusing?

Welcome back to how to twenty-something where today’s topic is about confusion and why your twenties constantly leave you in a state of ‘huh?’

Within that it’s why you have your spiral moments, mental breakdowns, thoughts that make you question every decision you’ve ever made, and fearful of what to do next

We’ve all been there.. Maybe you’re their right now, maybe you can recall a time where you were confused with what you were doing with your life.. It’s part of the vast unknown that your twenties bring and the constant flow of new experiences that you encounter along the way

Even if you feel like you’ve done everything quote unquote right by your life, you can be left with external circumstances that make you question what the fuck you’re doing

This decade is one giant question mark where you’re constantly learning and discovering who you are, what you like, what you want, and how you’re going to get there

That process of self-discovery does come with twists and turns that leaves you confused or questioning things

I’ve talked about this many times, because it always reigns true, and it’s that you go your whole life on a timeline similar to everyone else’s and then you graduate high school or college and your canvas is blank

Suddenly your planned out next steps is empty and you’re the one that has to create the roadmap to keep you moving forward

Yet no one has ever taught you to do that

Our parents generation had a roadmap to follow of if you do this in this order you are guaranteed to have a comfortable and happy life

And that path doesn’t hold true anymore

You could do everything by the books and not have the happy ending you were once promised in elementary school

And that mixed messaging is confusing

Because we still subconsciously believe, at least on some level, that following our parents paths is the ticket to success.. Even when it’s not

So while on one hand you have this open canvas to do whatever you want with it and the freedom to explore, on the other hand you have this subconscious timeline presented by society and your parents and grandparents generations that is used to help you measure your adulting success

Graduate by this age, get this job, make this amount of money, find this person by this age to settle down with, buy this house, go on this trip, have this many kids and by this point in your life

It’s unrealistic

There are so many factors at play that change up the timeline that you once thought you were going to follow 

And when you don’t follow this preconceived timeline or if the outcome differs from your expectations, you feel lost and constantly question what the heck you’re even doing

I’ll say that the pandemic left everyone our age questioning literally everything from 2020 onwards 

Conformity, purpose, paths and plans, and life as a whole

I’ve been having more and more conversations with twenty-somethings who need my help because they don’t know the point behind their life is and don’t want to feel trapped in the status quo that their parents keep projecting onto them

Parents don’t get that the world is different

The pandemic didn’t just pause the world, it completely and totally shifted the way we look at life, at work, at relationships, and about paths

It highlighted an outdated system and older gen z’s and younger millennials are rewriting the script of what adult life looks like

And it left everyone our age questioning what we’re doing and what’s the point, what are we working towards?

I always like to bring up the example of when I was asked about my five year plan towards the end of college, pre-covid time, my answer was move to a Atlanta, live there for 3 years, then move to north carolina and continue being an interior designer.. Maybe start my own design business in my late thirties

My timeline was dead wrong the moment I knew I wasn’t getting a job in Atlanta and ended up in Orlando, Florida

I wasn’t happy in Orlando, but I wasn’t miserable, I made it work

I was happy to just have a full time job, that someone gave me a chance in the industry I went to school for

I didn’t make a lot of money, but I did feel like I was adulting enough to be deemed as successful

Because in my mind that looked like paying my own bills, living in an apartment and not at home, cooking my own foods, making friends, going to happy hours, having a gym regimen, and saving on a month to month basis

It wasn’t until after the holidays passed and it was January of 2020 did I start to question what a job was supposed to be like, coworkers I was supposed to have, work i was supposed to be doing based off of my schooling

What I did know was where I was currently employed wasn’t working out for me, but I was scared to begin my next job hunt because my resume would only show 5 months of employment at a company

None of this was confusing.. Up until this point I felt like I fell into a good adulting groove, I joined kickball, I got back together with my ex, I was saving money, I liked my roommates, and then the pandemic happened two months later and everything I previously knew about my adult life was stripped away from me

I remember I just kept thinking to myself, this isn’t supposed to happen

I’m not supposed to lose my job two weeks after turning 23

There’s not supposed to be a global pandemic

I’m not supposed to question my relationship when my now ex wasn’t my rock when my whole world felt like it was falling apart

I felt confused as to why this happening

I felt stuck with what to do

I felt unsure about the big decisions I needed to make

Because the outcomes I was experiencing didn’t align with my (and society’s) timeline 

Losing my job opened up my mind to what else is out there, what do I even enjoy doing or learning about

It taught me that your job is not yours, that you are not your job, and that life is unpredictable

So losing my job shifted my mind to: now that I have all of this free time, or what I liked to call my early retirement, how was I going to fill it

This was of course after having multiple mental breakdowns and totally losing myself the first month of being unemployed

I was confused as to why this was happening to me, but I was literally stuck in what I could do about it, since it wasn’t like people were hiring for several months into the pandemic

Some of you know this, but during the pandemic I started a covid-19 journal on a google doc and I update every 6 months or so now, but it captures my life from the last 5 years and I’m able to reflect back on that time and realize how freaking confused and scared I was 

Like yes, the whole world felt scared and confused, but being in your twenties during that time and across the last five years only exacerbated these feelings of I don’t know what I’m doing or I don’t know what’s going on

A direct quote from this journal, which will one day be put into a book I’ll write, but for now it’s in my podcast, but the quote was from the day I got furloughed and I wrote:  Life is hard man. This year after leaving college has been really tough and I feel like I can’t find my way in adulthood.

I constantly felt like I was drowning in a sea of responsibilities and expectations and was failing 

I thought I’d have it all figured out, I felt like every one of my friends did and my roadmap got lost in the mail or that I was being dealt a really crappy hand of cards that I couldn’t do anything about.. Any of these thoughts sound familiar?

What I am able to realize now, is when you feel confused or unsure about a major part of your life, it makes you question other major parts

My career was uncertain so I questioned my relationship, then my relationship uncertain so I questioned where I was moving to when my lease was up in 2022, because while I was unsure of where I was going I was sure I was getting out of Florida

But there were so many parts of my early twenties that were really up in the air and that’s uncomfortable

You go your whole life with reliability, stability, certainty and then you are left severely unprepared to handle the twists and turns of your twenties and the rest of adulthood and that’s really why your twenties are so confusing

But let’s break confusion down before we dive into how you can help yourself feel normal about this feeling and, of course, know what to do about it

Confusion is a state of internal uncertainty that arises when your current reality no longer aligns with your expectations, desires, or sense of self.

Your twenties are the decade of uncertainty so no wonder why you feel confused at every turn

We’re living in a giant question mark and our brains hate it

It’s the first time you’re experiencing a slew of unknowns and at a time when you are the least equipped to navigate them

Simply because it’s all happening at such a rapid pace and in a way that is brand new to you so it’s incredibly overwhelming

Which is where I come in

I come in and tell you it’s normal to feel this way and this is what we get to do about it

Confusion, like when I talked about jealousy, is a signal

It appears when you’ve outgrown your current situation but don’t quite have what’s next locked down or planned out

All you know is what’s currently going on is no longer working

But you’re made to believe that you are supposed to follow a certain path and know what’s going on

Because our parents had their set path laid out for them and 90% of that generation followed it to a T

So here’s your newsflash: there are no more societal norms 

Going to college, having a full-time job, staying in the same career path for years on end, marrying and having kids in your mid twenties is not common anymore

There are so so so many different paths and possibilities to take you just have to take the time to figure out what is going to work for you

Knowing that what you want is going to be different from what your peers want, only leaving you further confused as to what’s quote unquote right

So here’s how you can help combat this state of mind

For one, stop comparing yourself to what everyone else is doing versus what you’re not doing because that’s only going to make you doubt yourself even more

This is your time to turn inwards, think about your interests, your priorities, your goals while also knowing that those things are going to change as you grow and change

So don’t think so far ahead, think right now. What do you want right now?

Is it financially stability, is it time freedom, is it starting a family, traveling the world… pick one for the time being

If social media didn’t exist, if you had no idea what anyone was up to, what would you be doing for yourself?

And get specific

When you’re confused it’s because everything that is confusing you is too vague

Specificity comes in the form of clear goals and knowing what you’re working towards right now

The second part of getting out of this confused state is changing up your language

So instead of saying you’re stuck, you’re confused, or you’re lost, switch it up and say you’re in the process of figuring out

Because the reality of your life and everyone’s lives around is no one has it all figured out

I haven’t said this in a while, but i don’t believe you will ever have it all figured out, what I do believe is you can have things figured out right now which loops it back to what I just said with setting goals

Having your life figured out right now means knowing what you’re working towards not five or ten years from now, but right now

Anywhere from 3 to 12 months into your future

So release the expectation that you are supposed to know your life, because you aren’t

And you never will

But you can know the right now and the near future

Constantly telling yourself you’re confused or stuck is only going to exacerbate those thoughts and you’ll find yourself digging a deeper hole that’ll make it harder and harder to get yourself out of

Life is figuroutable, you’re just uncomfortable with the unknowns of what’s to come.. So admit that to yourself

But you’re not stuck, not totally

Not unemployed pandemic Jess stuck and even then I figured out what I was going to work towards which was a personal training certification

You see, confusion is a temporary state of mind

Having a path, goals to work towards, and not getting blindsided by what everyone else is up to is your best ticket to overcoming being confusing

With also knowing that your twenties are going to continue to confuse the shit out of you and that’s totally normal

Whether it’s your relationships, career, location, what to do in your free time, every blank spot in your life is going to leave you feeling confused at least to some extent 

But now you know what you can do to get yourself out of that discomfort or state of mind

The bottomline, do as meet the robinsons taught us and keep moving forward

Take action, no matter how small because it’s no action that leaves you feeling stuck

And if you don’t even know where to begin, you just know that where you’re at right now is no longer cutting it for you, then please know this is part of why I became a coach for twenty-somethings

Your twenties are the most confusing decade of your life and I want to help you build your roadmap to set yourself up for the rest of your adult life – your adaptability, your resiliency, your organization, your adulting.. That’s what I do.. That’s what I’m here to help you with

So if you’re curious as to how I can help you, schedule a road to success call with me and we get to know one another and see if stepping into a coaching partnership is what you need

Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, if you related to this topic, if you’re feeling better about feeling confused, then please share this episode – send it to a friend, post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode