This is not your forever, but it is your for now

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s idea came from a conversation i was having with a client of mine that I feel is very applicable to all of you as well

It’s basically when the stepping stones that are being laid out for you feel more frustrating than they feel forward moving

And truthfully? This is part an ego thing, part an expectation thing, and part a comparison thing

Whether it’s a job that feels beneath your skill level, still living with your parents for several years after graduating, even recovering from an injury when you want to be at 100% of your capabilities 

This feeling of not quite being where you want to be or where you thought you should be shows up in many different forms

For my client, in particular, she had to take the last year off of work for some health issues that shows no light at the end of the tunnel

We began working together because she wanted a plan for when she feels well enough to make money again

And she told me when she would search for jobs on her own, she would get overwhelmed, anxious, and discouraged

Then gave the example, this requirement says you just need to be at least 18 years of age

And here she is sitting with a masters degree, an additional high level certification, and several years of working experience

So for the requirement to be an age thing, not a degree thing or an expertise thing, taking this job would feel defeating

Because she is overqualified to do it, compared to someone with a high school diploma who graduated this year, for example

And what she was forgetting, and I helped coach her through, was the options we were puling up were falling into different categories we had created together

A worst case scenario, best case scenario, and an in-betweener

This part-time job with an age requirement that she passed by a little over a decade, was to fall in the in between scenario

Where it would help give her some level of experience for best case scenario, but requires more for her in person life than say, a virtual call center position that fell into her worst case scenario

And then we zoomed out

And I walked her through how each one fed into another

How a call center would help her make money and it was something that she felt was still in line with her passion of helping peoples experiences

The part-time job as I already mentioned, would give her some healthcare-esq experience

The senior living center full-time job I showed her would be more passion and people driven

And the deloitte healthcare related job would be the upper limit beyond her best case scenario

It would be a job she would take if she didn’t have any health problems period

And could essentially pick her life up right where she left it last year

And that’s obviously the direction we want to trend, while also meaning that accepting any of these other ‘beneath her’ type jobs doesn’t mean she’s going backwards, or is less than

It’s simply part of the process she didn’t know she was going to have to go on

That’s the mix of ego and expectation

The comparison part was happening when she looks at what her peers are up to that she has had to put on the back burner or even fully take a pause

That everyone else is up to x,y,z and i’m lucky if i can make it through the day with no pain

So let’s dive into how each of these three items: ego, expectation, and comparison are getting in the way of your journey

While reminding you that these stepping stones are not your forever, but they are your right now

First off, ego

This one is probably the most uncomfortable one to face because no one likes to admit that their ego is getting in the way

Sounding arrogant, ungrateful, that you’re better than this.. Whatever this is

It’s the lack between what you think you’re capable of and what you’re actually capable of in that moment

For example, let’s say you break your leg and have to isolate it for 6 weeks in cast or a boot

When you are free to walk around, you’re not going to be able to walk, run, jump, lift, or do anything that you could do prior to breaking it

Solely because all of those muscles have atrophied in the last 6 weeks

It doesn’t mean you’ll never get back to what you were doing before, but it does mean you have to face your current reality that your body is telling you this is not possible right now

Your stepping stone is strengthening your ankle, getting movement back into your leg, walking slower, building up muscle in your calf 

And with time and consistency, you’ll be able to progress it a little further and a little further until you’re at a place where you can run, jump, walk, and lift with no issues

You logically know that you need to take these steps to avoid hurting it again, but on a subconscious level, you’re frustrated that you feel like you have to resort back to the basics

To a toddler learning how to walk and use their legs

And that is exactly what a stepping stone is, it is the rehabilitation process for whatever part of your life needs rebuilding right now

More specifically… your ego is disappointment in disguise

And when you’re in your twenties it’s going to show up based on your hard work, getting the degree, putting in the time, and now what you’ve been presented with does not match up with the effort you gave

It’s not always arrogance or you’re too good for this out of cockiness

It’s disappointment because there is a lag between what you expected and what you were given

And when ego is left unchecked, you’ll reject the things that would otherwise help you move forward

Because you’re convincing yourself it’s best to hold off and wait for something that feels more worthy of say your resume, degree, or story

But what you fail to recognize is that the waiting game is doing nothing for you

That’s what leads to the stuckness, versus viewing a smaller opportunity as the forward projection to get you to where you want to be

Even when you don’t want to be where you’re currently at

Which is why this episode is titled this is not your forever it’s your for now

This was my mental motto that I created back in 2020 when I was not where I thought I would be, when the world was disheveled and my life felt even more so

I had to keep reminding myself that this is temporary, that eventually I would be where I wanted to be

And it was followed with the song vacation that goes ay aye ay i’m on vacation every single day cause I love my occupation

Don’t worry guys, i won’t be quitting my day job to be a singer

But those lyrics really spoke to me

It was when i just got my personal training certification, I wanted to do it full time, but was forced back to the corporate world

I just kept saying to myself: one day, one day I will feel like I’m on vacation because I love the work I’m doing so much

And here I am.. Doing just that

But that’s not to stay I didn’t have more trials and tribulations along the way, the feelings of impatience, the wanting to be there are already instead of where I am right now

Not to mention the expectations that I did not achieve

Which brings me to the second part of allowing yourself to take the stepping stones… 

When you set an expectation you are trapping yourself into an outcome that must happen otherwise you’re a failure

And these expectations come from anywhere and everywhere

It’s your parents telling you what your future would look like

It’s watching people older than you follow a similar path as each other, so you expect yourself to do the same

It’s from a plan you created at some point when you set a goal.. Whether intentional or not

Regardless of the source, you built a picture in your head of where you would be, what you would be doing, and what your life would look like by the time you turned 22, 25, 28, 30 and anywhere in between

The job you would be working

The city you’d be living in

The quality of life you’d have

I think we are all guilty of saying at 10 years old: by the time i’m 27 I’ll be married with my first kid

And then you turn 27 and you’re like what the fuck was I thinking.. I’m still a kid how could I have one of my own

I like to joke about my five year plan after school being dead wrong 3 months after graduation when i thought i’d be living in atlanta and accepted a position in outskirts of orlando

And that’s the thing with setting expectations for the way something is supposed to go.. It not only feels like disappointment (in a different way from ego) it also feels like you did something wrong

And what no one tells you is that you created a future in your head that was built by the version of you that didn’t live it yet

You didn’t know a global pandemic was going to change everything, or that the creation of ai was going to make entry level jobs harder to come by, or that we’d enter into another war

The most important thing you could learn for yourself is the ability to update and adapt to the plan as more information unfolds

Which is why expecting a certain outcome prevents you from wanting to take steps forward

It’s as though you essentially expect yourself to step right into the end goal

That your first job has to be the job, that your first apartment has to be the apartment, your first relationship has to be the relationship, that every move you make has to be a direct reflection of where you are trying to end up

And when the available option does not match the end goal, you dismiss it entirely

But your first step does not have to be your best step or your final step, it’s why it’s not your forever, it’s your for now

Even when the for now looks nothing like you thought it would

Hopefully, by now you’re seeing how the three parts of this stepping stone process are overlapping

Because what you thought your journey would look like stems from information and inputs you’re receiving from other people

By observing how they’re living their life and how you’re living yours by comparison

Right now, I’ve talked to you about ego and expectations those are largely going to be your internal battles

Comparison, on the other hand, invites the entire outside world into your head to help you form an opinion around your life.. Warranted or not

Social media puts this comparison trap on steroids

Especially in your twenties because everyone is off doing different things on different timelines and it’s incredibly visible for you to witness

It’s all happening on your phone, constantly, and in real time

And it leaves you thinking: how come they have it easier, how come they didn’t have to take these smaller steps, how come they just got their adult life handed to them and mine is filled with setback after setback

When what you don’t realize as the thoughts come rushing through your brain is that you are comparing your behind the scenes with their highlight reel

Where unless you know the ins and outs of this person’s life, you’re going to have no idea what their stepping stones looked like

The job rejections, the first date failures, the crying on the bedroom floor every Saturday for an entire summer.. And yes that one is from personal experience 

All you see is the destination and assume they got in the fast pass lane to skipping the journey comprised of these stepping stones

My tedx talk, you’re not special, you’re just adulting, linked in the show notes for you to watch, talks about this exact thing and how it’s plaguing this generation of twenty-somethings

So be sure to check that out if you haven’t yet

But all in all, the comparison game is a losing battle to your own life

The only way out is to remain focused on what you’re doing, regardless of what other people have to say or what other people are doing or not doing

Do you honestly think I would be here, three years into a podcast, 5 years into coaching, and a tedx speaker if I followed what everyone else was doing?

No, i wouldn’t be 

When you learn to trust yourself, you win the comparison game.. Until it creeps back in with another area of your life and then that process repeats itself of learning to stay focused on you

So the next time you feel that comparison show up, instead of letting it make you feel behind or failing, why don’t you use it as proof of possibility

Because nine times out of ten the answer points directly back to something you want for yourself

So you get to choose to use it as a direction for where you want to set your next goal and not as evidence that they’re better than you or you’re doing something wrong 

And now that you know all three parts that get in the way of your stepping stones and reminder that it’s not forever, it’s for now.. Let’s shift into how you can use proof in your life to accept where you are right now while encouraging you to take action to move you forward

It’s something I always love to do.. Here’s how it works

Take your current life and rewind to how you even got here

For example, I moved to Charlotte to pursue my own business but none of that would have been possible if I hadn’t sought out a personal training certification and found my first passion that didn’t include corporate

That certification wouldn’t have come into my mind if I didn’t spend a month unemployed and doing nothing during the pandemic and losing my mind

The unemployment wouldn’t have come if I didn’t say yes to the worst job ever

Accepting my first full-time job was a stepping stone I didn’t know I was taking towards self employment, something that was nowhere near my original 5 year plan

All I knew was that it was my starting point to get my foot in the door in the interior design world.. That was it

And it led me to everything I have now

If you zoom out far enough in your life, you will also start to see how almost every single thing that has happened.. Including the setbacks, were moving you towards right here, right now

Besides, there is always going to be value in the now

Living with your parents is valuable in setting you up to financially take care of yourself in a few years

Taking the job that feels beneath you is teaching you to show up even when you don’t feel like it

Being in a bad relationship is showing you everything you want in a partner that this person isn’t giving you

The value is always there, you just have to be willing to look for it instead of looking past it

And the last thing I’ll say for when you’re really pissed off in the now and definitely don’t want this to be your forever is to give yourself a timeline

Decide how long you are willing to stay on this stepping stone and what the next stone needs to look like before you can move on

The dollar amount, the percentage of healthy days in a given week, the time to set up your resume appropriately 

Give yourself something to work toward so the for now feels purposeful and not just like a waiting game

And remember: this is not your forever, if you don’t want it to be

And that is exactly how I’m going to close out this episode

So thank you, for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who needs to hear this little reminder then you know the drill… please share this episode, send to a friend, post it on social media

Just do something that helps me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most difficult decade of their life

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode