Being in the in between

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today I’m going to break down what to do when you feel like you’re in the in between

Where you’re not at your next destination or on the brink of reaching your next goal, but are actively working towards getting there or you know time has to play out before you can make your next move

It’s also when you’ve moved on from one chapter but haven’t fully entered into this next one like graduating college and landing your first full time job

The result is being in this feeling of in the middle and it’s a frustrating place to be because of the delayed gratification and patience required of you to stay focused and keep your eyes on the prize knowing that you are going to get there in due time

And that you want to get there faster than the pace you’re currently at

This is in regards to anything you’re setting your mind to, it could be a new job, a healthier body, a next stage of a relationship, a business endeavor

Think any major, exciting transition in your life where you have your eyes set on what’s next, on some end result, but you know it won’t happen for you just yet

But here’s the trap that you’re probably not thinking about and that is when you’re so focused on what’s next you might catch yourself in an ‘I’ll be happy when’ moment

You forget all the joys of now, all the first that comes with approaching this big milestone that you’ll never get again, and the increasingly large expectation for this outcome to be life changing

And it might be life changing for you

But you’re putting a lot of pressure on what’s next and that can be a set up for disappointment

The in between is a very frustrating place to be, it truly tests your patience and how bad you want what you’re after

I can reflect back on so many in between moments that took place throughout my twenties and that are currently taking place for me, it’s why I live by my mental motto of it’s not forever, it’s for now

Because when you are down on yourself for not being where you want to be yet or when you wish you could speed up a timeline you’re on, even though you know, in the long term, it’s best to wait, you need to remind yourself that this current state of existence is temporary

It’s not forever, but it is where you’re at right now and there are still moments in the now, a lot of moments in the now, that you can enjoy

This motto came into existence for me when I knew I was moving out of Orlando and pursuing my own business, ditching the 9-5 world and essentially, reinventing my entire life in March of 2022

I came to this conclusion in April of 2021, so I had 11 months of waiting, of planning, of learning, of saving

And I remember in November of that year, I was so ready to embark on my coaching business and seriously considered quitting my job 5 months early

I was at a coaching conference actually, when I was at this crossroads because at this point, I was truly in the in between

I could not be more in the middle of where I was to where I wanted to be than in that moment

Since I had 5 months until my lease was up and had been sitting on this vision for 6 months

And we did an exercise to help with big decisions, I actually recreated it in one of my past workshops, from doubt to decision, and i’ve definitely talked about this on past episodes 

It’s where you figuratively put your two options out in front of you as if you’re standing in a v where you’re at the point of the v and you step diagonally to one option and feel into the life that would result of you making that choice, then you step back, shake it off to be neutral, and do the same to the other option

And what happens is your body tells you what option is better for you to take

So when I did this exercise at this conference, I was stuck between wait the five more months or quit my job right now and the outcome was I would be at a lot more peace if I waited and stuck to my original timeline

The caveat, I had to persist in the state of in between for five more months

So what do you do when you’re hanging out in this space, how do you help your brain, remind yourself to wait

Outside of repeating my mental motto, although that was extremely helpful, I’m going to share with you what I did and what I continue to remind myself of

Because it’s easy to see and want your vision, it means you’re working towards something you just can’t taste the victory or the success yet, but you know it’s coming and as time goes on you grow increasingly impatient since you don’t have it yet

And that’s this episode is about

What to do when you’re in the in between or I guess, 5 things to remember when you find yourself in the in between

The first thing to remember is kind of cheesy but it’s acknowledging that where you’re currently at serves a purpose too

It’s your bridge

You’re gathering what you need: information, supplies, people, money, that will help you move to your next thing with ease 

It’s your place of planning and preparing

I’m a floridian native so the first metaphor that comes to mind is when you’re preparing for a hurricane

The storm isn’t there yet, right now you’re experiencing beautiful weather so it’s hard to imagine the severity of the storm when it hits, but you also know you need to prepare for when it does… even when you can’t see it yet

You get batteries, flashlights, candles, radios, bring in the patio furniture, board up the windows, and stock up on non-perishables

And sometimes you don’t end up needing any of that, but you did need to prepare

In this case, the storm is actually your next thing and not some destructive force of mother nature

But the analogy still works

When I was transitioning from corporate to self-employed my prep came in the form of saving money

Like a squirrel stocking up nuts for winter

So this in between time is actually extremely valuable and the longer it is, the more time you have to prepare, and the easier your transition will be

When there’s not enough in-between time it’s pure chaos

You are running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to get everything organized and in order

So while it is uncomfortable to have a longer waiting period before you get to your next destination, it is actually better and smarter to give yourself this time in limbo

I kind of already mentioned this one, but your second thing to remember is don’t delay your own happiness – reverting back to I’ll be happy when syndrome 

Your next chapter will hopefully bring you an insane amount of happiness, but if you’re only focused on that next thing, you’re losing all of the potential happiness you can create right now

Your next thing is not your only defined marker of achieving happiness and it’s important to remember that

Yes you’re antsy and excited and have all the emotions for what’s to come, but try to create your own sparks right now

You can still learn a new skill, try a new recipe, watch a sunset, have a relaxing Saturday morning, spend time with friends, call a loved one

There’s potential for happiness everywhere, so don’t only rely on waiting for what’s next

The hardest part is when your in between is not a happy place for you to be and you know that anything else would automatically make you happier

But you can change your words from i’ll be happy when to i’ll be even happier when, that way you aren’t stripping the possibility of happiness away right then and there

I get it though, most of these transitions that have you caught in the in-between are because you weren’t happy and are doing something about it or are actively striving to turn things around

I could give so many of my own examples and client examples of being in the shitty part of the in between

Like when you lose your job, maybe you got furloughed or laid off, maybe you quit because you were miserable

I had a client who was laid off and knew exactly what he wanted in his next job, but the market was not working in his favor so he was unemployed for far longer than he ever expected

That lay off period was his in-between and it now became a matter of keeping his eyes on the prize and not settling for any job just to have a job, but sticking to his own list of non-negotiables 

The work we had to do was to keep his mind leveled so he could be more patient with the outcome he was really hoping for

The result was him landing the most perfect job and is now thriving

Yes it was stressful, long, annoying, and frustrating to be in the position of no income, but now he has a job that won’t put him in the in-between for a while, if ever again

For me personally, I was single for almost 3.5 years and i’ll admit that the first 2 years I was healing and focusing on my business and making friends as I had just moved to Charlotte, so I was preoccupied

I wanted a relationship but I didn’t feel ready or confident enough to bring someone new into my life like that

And then at the start of 2024 I was ready, so the active search and effort, had me in the in between with my dating life

I was finally at a place where I had friends, a sufficient income, a life, and I had space for someone new

My life wasn’t on hold as I searched for a partner and that’s how I ended up meeting my boyfriend by playing pick up soccer because it was something I wanted to go do on a Sunday evening

And now, my dating life is no longer in the in-between 

The in-between exists in every area of your life where you have a goal set to achieve and are actively taking steps toward trying to achieve it

So the third thing to remember is how you measure your progress will impact your relationship to the journey you’re on

In other words, collect those wins

You might not be able to track something as literal as a weight loss/fat loss journey

But what have you done this week or what can you do this week to bring you one step closer to where you want to be?

And keep a log of everything you’re accomplishing along the way so you have something concrete to refer back to for when your brain starts to spiral and get fed up with still being in the in between

It could be lifting heavier at the gym week after week, having a consistent gym regimen you’ve been able to maintained, going to networking events and talking to people because you want a new job, going on dates, crappy or not, but forcing yourself to talk to new people and get a clearer idea of what you want versus don’t want in a partner, it could be having a no spend week so you can save more money

Think of your goals, the big juicy one that has you feeling like you’re in the in between, and write down what you can do to move an inch closer

But here’s the tricky part, sometimes it is just a waiting game

Where the only thing you can do is let time do it’s thing

Which is where I want to remind you about number two with not putting your happiness on hold

But I’d even argue that when you’re waiting for time to go by, having your little countdown date pinned up somewhere, you are still taking action to organize your mind or your space for when that countdown hits zero

So that’s still progress you can make while you’re waiting

Which on that note, you absolutely positively need to have an end date otherwise you will perpetually be stuck in the in between

That’s where people get lost, they keep saying one day or some day

Like no, have a date, have an end in sight that is tangible, within reach, but also not too close where you’ll stress yourself out

For example, I met a guy Alex at hot yoga a few months ago and we got to chit chatting afterwards where he was asking about my business and schedule and said he has a dream of also leaving his corporate job to which I told him have a deadline to work towards

I probably should’ve specified a longer deadline because the following week he told me he picked one and that he’ll be leaving his job in 7 weeks

Mind you he was 25 I think and barely had any savings in place to support this transition to his own clothing business that was currently not bringing in a ton of money

So have a deadline, but have a realistic one that you can actually plan for and put proper systems in place so you come out successful on the other side of the in between

And I get it, it’s really hard to have a deadline that’s far away because all you want is to be doing your next thing right now

But be patient, it’ll save you down the road, like my decision to stick to my original leave corporate timeline helped me save thousands of more dollars to support my next adventure

On that topic of patience, the fourth thing to keep in mind is don’t forget to slow down

We are so quick to go from one thing to the next, but the periods of slowness are so beneficial to avoiding burnout

You can’t expect yourself to constantly be on the go all the time or that if you work super duper hard you’ll speed up your timeline

Sustainable effort is key

Having a routine, a plan, and an end date.. All the things I’ve been saying and will continue repeating, will be boring, but it will keep you sane and calm

Because the worst thing you could do is hustle hard and then burn yourself out and need a timeout but then feel guilty about taking a timeout

I’ve said this on other episodes, but I’ve had conversations with people where they will come to the gym and say they had to take a break and are just now getting back into it because they felt burnt out

In other words, they had a spark of motivation to be healthier and went all out and exhausted themselves from continuing to work out

Slow and steady wins the race baby, think about what you can uphold consistently in your current lifestyle, knowing that things can increase or decrease as time goes on, as goals become more clear, as schedules change, etc

But don’t overshoot because you’re excited at this present moment to make strides towards your next thing

If it’s dating, how many dates can you commit to on a weekly basis, if it’s a new relationship how many times can you see this person without overwhelming your schedule and prior commitments, if it’s a job hunt how much time can you allocate a week towards finding a new job, and so on and so forth

Starting small and slow will help you build up what you can handle in your schedule so you don’t burn yourself out

Alright, the last thing to remember for when you’re in the in between is you are forming a new identity

It takes time and can be very tricky

You are shedding off something that no longer serves you and molding into something new

But that doesn’t mean your next job title, scale weight, or relationship status is who you are

It’s who you are becoming as you strive for those next levels, not what those next levels label you as

So who are you outside of all of that

It’s hard because when you’re in this middle spot you know you’re no longer who you were but you’re also not yet who you’re becoming and that makes you feel like you’re losing a large piece of your identity

And yes that is part of your identity, but that’s the external part, so pause and ask who you are internally

It’s not what you do it’s what you value and how you show up or what you want to be known for

So while you might feel like you are struggling with a sense of identity, and i’ll tell you straight up, you are probably struggling with your identity when you’re in this in between, but it doesn’t mean you are without an identity because you’ve shed what isn’t you but haven’t fully stepped into the new you yet either

So what do you value, where are your priorities, how can you create your own sense of worth without all of the titles and labels

And something that I find helpful and I started doing when I was fed up with being in the in between while waiting for my lease to end in Orlando so I could move and pursue my business, was claiming my next identity before I got there

Like when I met new people and they asked what I did for a living, I stopped saying I was an interior designer and started saying I was a health and life coach

When I was single, I stopped saying I was perpetually single and claiming single-ness as my identity and I started saying I’m working on getting into a relationship

You have to be really careful with the words you choose to describe yourself because without knowing it you might be keeping yourself stuck 

If your words are more forward thinking you will be naturally inclined to move towards them to make them true

You’re not a starving artist or a struggling entrepreneur, you’re working on your craft and building a business

The bottom line is, you’re not stuck, you’re building what’s next

Just don’t get lost in the in between and keep your eyes on the prize because you will get out of this middle ground and be on to the next thing in no time

And that’s how I’m going to wrap up this episode of 5 things to remember when you’re in the in between

So if you liked what you heard, if you feel like you’re in the in between right now, or have a friend who is, then please share this episode, post it on social media, send it to a friend, give me a five star rating

But seriously help me spread this podcast because I’m only one person and all of you listening will have the capabilities of doubling the impact I have on all of the twenty-somethings out there trying to do life and adult

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode