The Psychology Behind Your Quarter Life Crisis

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is on your quarter life crisis, why it’s so common, and what’s actually going on in your head, decisions, and life

This episode idea came about after talking to one of my friends who just turned 25 and was like yeah so I’m going to go back to school and get another bachelors degree 

And we joked about this decision being his quarter life crisis, to which I responded with ‘hey on my 25th birthday I handed in the keys to my corporate job and moved to Charlotte the next day’

There’s just something about your mid twenties that gives you the itch to say fuck it and do something different

So I wanted to create an episode around why this happens to so many mid twenty-somethings and whether or not you should lean into this seemingly impulsive decision to uproot your current life for a new reality

And actually, the term quarter life crisis doesn’t just mean when you’re 25 years old

It’s a range from 18 to 30 that is sparked by major life transitions and the responsibility to make your own decisions for the first time ever

And with it comes all of your peers venturing off onto different paths constantly giving you this false feedback that you’re behind or aren’t doing enough as well as the newfound independence of learning who you are outside of your parents direct influence

Social media definitely doesn’t help with this since you’re only seeing snippets of what people are doing and don’t fully know what’s going on behind the scenes

So your brain is left to fill in the blanks that lead you to want to also change course and try something different

Or, similarly, you falsely determine that everyone your age has their shit figured out and your over here floundering 

This is basically what my tedx talk was about, which you can go check out in the show notes, if you haven’t already watched it or go on youtube and type you’re not special, you’re just adulting

Because no one is talking about their experiences, so we’re all facing the same struggles of not doing enough or not being on time and become so hyper focused on just trying to catch up

So while yes, quarter life crisis is a fun buzzword that coincides with making big decisions in your mid twenties, it truly is a psychological experience

I mean, why do you think I became a coach for twenty-somethings? 

And why I end every episode with the same sentence of this being the most confusing decade

There’s a lot that takes place in your twenties and it is incredibly overwhelming and disorienting trying to do right by yourself and trying to keep up with your peers

And it leaves you with the thought: what am I even doing with my life

Which is why I want to remind you that my show notes always have things for you to help with these existential crisis thoughts… now I already mentioned checking out my tedx talk but here’s what else you’ll find there

If you’re ready to see what coaching with me is like then click the let’s chat link

If you want 3 easy steps to stop spiraling as you hit your quarter life crisis, then there’s a link for that

And if you want to check out my course for how to make adulting suck less, there’s a link for that as well

I’d like to think i’m a bit of genius when it comes to breaking down the roller coaster ride that is your twenties, into very easy bite sized perspectives and actions

So step one is listening to me yap on this podcast and step two is check out those links.. They’re filled with helpful twenty-something aids 

Now, back on topic with today.. Your quarter life crisis is sparked by massive transitions or the need to make a massive transition 

Graduation, break ups, first job, moving to a new city, there’s a lot of newness that occurs and then when it levels out one of two things happen

Either you get bored and crave more newness

Or you’ve realized once the dust settles that this isn’t actually the life you want to build for yourself

And for the first time ever your roadmap is nonexistent

Where you spend the first 18, if not 22 years, of your life with a very clearly defined here’s what’s next for you plan

And then that disappears when you enter the real world

Not only that but your prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed while you’re left to make these big decisions

Which is the executive functioning part of your brain.. The part of your thoughts that’s capable of making big, thought out decisions and foresee any potential consequences that could come with what you choose to do

This is also where impulse control is managed, emotions get regulated, and your ability to plan lies here

And the fact that you’re out in this world making your own decisions without a fully developed one is wild

So that when it finally does develop at 25 you are able to be more present in your life and have a better ability to decipher what’s working and what’s not

Also at this point, you’ve learned a lot more about yourself and who you our outside of your parents control

So the life you originally thought you’d have or path you’d take no longer fits the you you’ve discovered over the last few years

Like how I thought you’re supposed to go to school, pick a major, and follow that career path until you’re 65 years old

Under my family’s influence and through examples, that was what adulthood was

And when I realized I didn’t like it, I then challenged my own thoughts with ‘just suck it up, this is the way it was supposed to be.’

The pandemic broke all of those standards down for me and gave me this unexpected time to explore what kind of life I wanted for myself

And that’s when I started to make some changes, and start to plan for my future that would include these changes

I was 23

I do joke that the whole quitting my job and moving to charlotte at 25 was me taking quarter life crisis to a whole new level

But really, I planned for about a year and half before I actually picked up my whole life and moved

And it’s because I learned more about who I was that comes with being in your twenties, and experiencing a global pandemic that flipped the whole world upside down

It’s where I learned that the corporate world doesn’t care about you, you are totally disposable 

Or feeling like a prisoner chained to my desk when my time was no longer mine

And I personally, didn’t like that

So I did something about it

Statistically speaking, 75% of people in their twenties experience some sort of a quarter life crisis

That’s in the form of leaving a long term relationship, changing careers, going back to school, and/or moving somewhere new

So my experience is not original and newsflash.. Neither is yours

But here’s what your quarter life crisis actually means… it means you’re growing

And by that, you’re outgrowing boxes you were previously confined to

Your values are forming, experiences are altering your identity and perception of the world around you, and you’re pushing back against the life you thought you were supposed to live

A life your parents and other family members lived before you

I think this unwillingness to settle for the life exemplified by other generations is especially true for today’s twenty-somethings because the pandemic showed us options to different lifestyles that are possible

With hybrid work, fully remote work, self employment work

We realized how important it is to live a meaningful life instead of a default one

Which is what your quarter life crisis is pushing you to create for yourself 

So long as you don’t get distracted by what everyone is else is doing via social media

Seeing the girl from high school buy a house, or the guy from college prepare to have his third kid, the person you barely know get promoted, the girl who looks like she’s traveling all the time

None of that is helpful, it actually distracts you from being able to think for yourself because it encourages you to make decisions based off of someone else

So i guess the real question is now that you know the psychology behind the quarter life crisis and why it happens, what do you do with this information

Because it’s really easy to make an impulsive decision, say fuck it, and justify it with your quarter life crisis

But not every thought or decision needs to be acted on immediately 

Instead, I want you to get curious around these thoughts instead of critical of your current reality 

What if you weren’t behind, or doing anything wrong? What if all of these thoughts were like a scavenger hunt that you get to uncover one clue at a time as more information presents itself?

Really sit with your thoughts and turn them into questions

Which feeds into the second point: knowing you don’t need a whole what’s next plan, just a what’s next step

I didn’t quit my job and move to Charlotte on a whim, I planned it out

I knew I needed a change, I knew what that change was going to look like, and I took the necessary steps to make it happen

I didn’t know what my life in Charlotte was going to be like or how long it was going to take to feel financially secure, I just knew I was on a mission to get out of corporate and do what I love in the form of helping people

So for me step 1 was decide to move to charlotte, step 2 was getting my coaching certification, and step 3 was beginning working with clients

Point number 3 is to talk to someone to help you externally process.. This is so crucial when it comes to the executive functioning part of your prefrontal cortex

Solely because you’re just not that good at doing it on your own until you reach your later twenties

Most of my clients just need to talk their thoughts out to better understand what to do next

And when you talk it out with someone who has your best interest at heart, you also minimize the distractions the rest of the world is trying to throw your way to change your mind or make you doubt your decisions

When my clients work with me, I actually help them lean into the impulsive decision to make a big change in their life

And this is for 2 reasons – the first one is your brain is communicating to you that something isn’t working

Your first thoughts to light your life on fire and start over might not be the actual answer you’re going to seek out, but it is very telling that change is on the horizon, we just need to figure out what that is and why it’s coming up

Because you could hate your job, but do you hate the work you’re doing, or where you work and that’ll determine if a career change is what’s next for you or simply a workplace change

The other reason why I help my client lean into their thoughts is because that’s a lot of the work I do as their coach… your brain is going to fight change even when you know deep down you want it 

So I help with the planning and feasibility behind the change so that you do feel confident in the decisions you’re about to make and make the change feel less scary

Which brings me to the last part of this episode I want to touch on, which is whether or not you should end up acting on your quarter life crisis thoughts

Because I did

My friend is about to

And I’ve helped my clients do so with changing schools while they’re in college, moving back to be closer to family, changing jobs, starting businesses, leaving relationships.. All the things

But the question is should you do it too?

And my answer is, it depends

I think if you’re a female listening and you get these heightened thoughts at certain times during your cycle, then you need to listen to these signals and trust that this means it’s time to devise up a plan

But for everyone listening, male or female, ask yourself if the impulsivity you’re feeling is coming from a reaction, whether that be fear or discontent, or from a moment of clarity

And that comes from patterns, not one scenarios

If the thoughts keep repeating themselves for more than a month, but really for more than 3 months, then it’s a pattern and it’s time to act

But if it’s a big thought coming off of a shitty week or 2 week stretch, then it’s a reaction

Your quarter life crisis is a signal, that does not mean it’s a green light for you to act on

Just start to pay attention to what’s working and what’s not

My itch to change course in my life came long before the changes actually took place

75% of twenty-somethings get this itch at one point or another so taking from the wise words of my tedx talk: you’re not special, you are adulting 

Think of it as a congrats, you’re normal, you’re on track to find your own solutions to building a life that you want to live in

Which is the premise of the work I do with my twenty-somethings

Let your thoughts encourage conversations 

With friends, with me, with someone you trust

And then take things one step at a time to make it happen

Which is how I’m going to end this episode, so if you liked what you heard, are currently in your quarter life crisis, or know someone who is

Then please please please share this episode, post it to your story, send it to a friend, give me a five star rating, check out the links in the shows notes, just do something that will help me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another episode of how to twenty-something