Shared experiences in your twenties

Welcome back to how to twenty-something, where today I am going to normalize uncertainties and challenges we all face as we grow through our twenties, or in other words, shared experiences that no one really talks about

I’ve mentioned many times now how we are all living different lives and are on very different paths, but I think a large part of that that we tend to forget or overlook is that it doesn’t mean you are all alone with what you’re going through or experiencing

I started planning this episode out before I left for my volunteering trip with experience camps which is a nonprofit grief camp for kids who have lost  a parent, sibling, or caregiver

And I’m continuing this episode after returning and this was a message that came up during one of the sharing circles with my campers

It was realizing that we are all at this camp because we lost someone close to us and when we’re at home in our normal day to day it’s not really talked about

We don’t want make someone else uncomfortable with our own suffering, but at camp you have the support, freedom, understanding, and space to do so

Yet in the real world, there are so many other experiences that land on the negative side of things that we hold in or shy away from discussing

And it takes a lot of courage to open up that side of you because of the potential shame, rejection, or misunderstandings that could come with sharing

We all have very shared experiences it’s just no one talks about the deeper more personal topics

And this is also something I help my clients see for themselves, either I’m their source of validation or I can offer a source of validation so that they don’t feel like they are isolated on the little island that is their life

Whether it be around your career, relationships, social circles, body, starting over in a new city, and anything of the sort, which is what I’m going to be highlighting for you today

Part of the reason I got into coaching, well I realized this once I started working in more of the life coaching sector of my practice, is that I felt alone in what I was experiencing when I lost my job

I thought no one could relate to what I was going through, that everyone was talking about me behind my back, and that everyone’s life was perfect except mine

I felt like a complete black sheep

So I became the resource I once needed so you don’t have to feel the way I felt

I believe that no one is going through a completely original experience, it’s just as a society we hide our defaults from others and don’t talk about certain subjects to avoid feeling judged for thinking differently

But hopefully this episode will help you feel a little more normal about what it is you’re going through or have been through, on a more deeper level and what to do when this occurs because it most likely will

And this is coming from client experiences, friends, and my own, and mind you these situations, thoughts, or feelings happens to a majority of twenty-somethings, not all, but most

So let’s get into it

At some point in your twenties you will lose your job

You will either get laid off, furloughed, quit because you hate it so much with nothing lined up after, or even fired for whatever reason

Being laid off means you have lost your job and you will not be returning back to that company

Being furloughed means your job is waiting for you, you’re still accruing seniority with your company meaning there’s no gap in your resume, you’re just not getting paid or doing any work

So you’re unemployed but not without a job

Our market is constantly changing so depending on the industry you’re in your career is not very safe, especially since you’re one of the newer ones in that office

And everyone knows the last ones in are the first ones out

When you get furloughed or laid off you need to go to your states unemployment website and file for unemployment assistance

This is where the government will send you money to hold you over so you don’t completely deplete your savings

Now the amount of money you receive varies depending on the state you live in and you will need to pay taxes on that money at the end of the year or you can select the option to have the taxes taken out before the money hits your bank account – it’s entirely up to you

If you were fired and it was not due to misconduct, but rather you weren’t actually qualified for the job then you are also eligible for unemployment

Now, here’s where it gets tricky and this primarily applies to those of you listening who are fresh to the working world, meaning about 8 months or less or those of you who have not had a consistent paycheck for the last 9 months

In order to qualify for unemployment, your previous 2 quarter earnings need to exceed your most recent one times 1.5

So if we’re in Q3 and you lose your job, then it would be Q1 + Q2 is greater than 1.5 times Q2

I mention all of this in the what to do when you’re funemployed episode but I’m going to reiterate it because it’s been a while

Now, if you went up and quit your job with nothing lined up, then you do not qualify for any governmental assistance

But for the purpose of this episode and helping your mindset I am going to focus on the experience of losing your job that no one really talks about

And that is, when you lose your job it is really easy to lose yourself, especially if you are anything like me and tied your identity to your career because now you have no reason to get out of bed in the morning

The most important thing to focus on when you become unemployed is your mental health and this comes from creating structure in your day since now you have all this time and not a lot of things to do with it 

When clients come to me and are unemployed the first thing we do is set up a routine so they don’t lounge in pajamas for the entire day

Life is still carrying on, yes you can take some time to rest but don’t let it be so much rest that you fall into a pit of a depression

Your routine keeps you on the right road to bouncing back

Set an alarm to wake up, have a morning routine to set the tone for your day, have a list of todos for you to carry out whether that be cleaning, running an errand, applying for a new job, reading, working out

You need to know what you’re doing with your day so you don’t get caught up plopped on the couch with your phone in hand

And while yes, losing your job does suck, it can also open you up to pivoting industries and seeing what else is out there

Think about what you liked from your previous career and what you’re interested in, now that you have some experience under your belt

Freshen up your resume, heck even ask chat gpt what jobs would work well given your past experiences and current interests and skills

Just don’t let too much time go by where you’re sitting down feeling sorry for yourself.. Put yourself on a timeline, set daily and weekly goals to work towards, and make every errand a mini adventure that takes up more time than it should

When I was unemployed I would walk to every errand.. Oh need one item from publix, allow me to walk there, need to go to cvs guess i better put my walking shoes on, need to go to the gym, well that one I biked, but still walking and biking take longer than driving plus i’m getting sunlight, fresh air, and exercise in the process

So shared experience number 1 and what to do about it is losing your job

The second shared experience we all go through is heartbreak

The relationship you had in college or in your lower to mid twenties is probably not going to be your forever relationship

Maybe you called off your engagement, got divorced, got broken up with the person you thought you were going to marry, or simply realized you and the person you’re with are no longer traveling on the same life path

There is so much growth and discovery that goes on in your twenties that no longer makes you and your partner compatible with one another

Again, this is not going to happen to everyone, but a majority of you will go through that breakup that changes you

My ex and I broke up for a lot of reasons but a large part of it fell under the umbrella of I had to grow up really fast after graduating college and he didn’t grow up at all and it created a giant disconnect

We saw the world and understood it very differently and could no longer relate to one another

I changed so much and he stayed the same – to no fault of his own or my own we were just moving through life at very very different paces and it caused our relationship to deteriorate

Now, I broke up with him, so when the actual breakup call happened, and yes it was a call, well facetime, because we were long distance and he had just canceled his trip to see me so he could throw a halloween party, I digress, when that call happened I had already processed all of my emotions three months prior

So my life actually felt like all this weight was lifted off my shoulders and my personality came back because I no longer had the struggles of my relationship weighing me down

We’re all going to have different breakup experiences, but the shared one is parting ways with the person you once loved

And that’s okay, that is part of the learning process

Take what you liked about that person and use that knowledge to find your next match and vice versa, know what you really didn’t like about that person and use it to help you weed out the people you know aren’t going to be compatible for you

But please know this, having a relationship end does not make you a failure or undesirable or forever alone

It’s knowing that you would rather spend your life finding someone who enhances you rather than spend it with the wrong person

My breakup made me so much stronger today and really taught me who I am and what I am willing to put up with versus not

And you’ll see really soon how all of these shared experiences in your twenties teach you a lot of life lessons that you’ll need to take with you into your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond

Where even then, each decade is going to hold entirely different life lessons for you to grow through

But when you go through a breakup, you need to take some time to be single, rediscover yourself, your interests, passions, direction, and goals and by carving out your new path on your own you’re allowing new people be invited in as you molt into this new version of yourself

Yes your heart is going to ache

Yes you’re going to want them back – unless you’re me I was totally and completely done with my ex

Yes you’re going to think no one will ever love you again

But know that this phase will also pass and you’re better off without them – even if it doesn’t feel that way right now

And you’ll be better off for it

If you’re unhappy in your relationship and listening to this, then please leave, life is too short for one person to cause you this much unhappiness

You might have to move back in with your parents, find a roommate, change cities, and disrupt a lot of other pieces of your life when you do so, but future you is going to be so glad that you did

And if you’re best friends are telling you to leave this person, listen to them, it’s going to be tough because your heart is invested but your friends know you better than you do in this moment since you have your love blinders on

And on the topic of going through a breakup the third main shared experience encompasses the topic of friendships

The friendships you make from college and beyond is going to change

You’re probably not going to be with the same people for this entire decade for similar reasons as to why you go through a romantic breakup

As you grow and change your circle of friends will grow and change too

This could mean living in different cities or no longer being able to connect with one another based on different experiences or interests in your life

As your priorities change, so will the people in your life and vice versa as other people’s priorities change you might not be as present in their life and that’s ok

You’ll find new people who do match your energy

I’ve mentioned this before, but my entire friend group changed last year when I had a falling out with the main person of that group, the connector if you will

And it really throws you when the people you were once spending every weekend with you never see or hear from again except for on occasion 

When i was going through this friendship change, all the women in my mastermind group told me that they all experience the same thing and some were experiencing it in that same moment too 

All of these women are in their 50s and 60s and they said this also won’t be the last time something like this happens

Which sucks because you need friendships, you need healthy relationships in your immediate environment and making friends in your twenties can feel really fucking hard, just like dating in your twenties feels hard

It’s why I created my book club, it’s why i started saying yes to things even if I wasn’t really dying to go, it’s why I force myself to go to social things when the introvert in me is screaming to stay home, it’s why I go to a run club as consistently as I can

And it’s why I created my next workshop, Find My Friends, which is happening next week on Wednesday, September 26th at 7:30pm eastern

So if you’re looking for help in making new friends that are high quality high value people, then please join me on this zoom call and sign up right now at jessdiamondcoaching.com/friends or check the show notes for that link

It’s completely free and I know you need help with this skill because meeting people, that’s easy, meeting YOUR people, that’s where it gets tricky, little side tangent I know but I’m excited for this one and want you to be there

But you are going to outgrow people, there’s not always going to be a rhyme or reason as to why you guys aren’t friends anymore, just know that as you discover who you are in this decade, you’re going to find your friend group shifting to support that

And it needs to shift

A lot of times your friend group is going to keep you in your comfort zone, so it’s not to say you need to constantly be on the hunt to make friends, but it is to say that you should always be open to new relationships and experiences even if your current friends are not

Actually, especially if your current friends are not

And this practice of constantly developing relationships will come in very handy as we move into the fourth shared experience, moving cities, if not states

Whether it’s your first job out of school planting you in a new city or a choice you make down the line either for personal reasons, relationship reasons, or career reasons

At some point in your twenties you are going to pack up all of your belongings and exist in a new city where you might not know anyone

And there are a lot of unknowns that accompany this change

You’re going to be scared – you’re going to question if you’re making the right decision or not, you’re going to feel lonely

And you’re also going to want to already be ten steps ahead and feel settled with that new friend group, with your new job, with your life as you move, literally and figuratively, into this next chapter

But know that none of this will happen overnight

It’s important to keep yourself present and grounded in the moment instead of trying to reach for the future version of you that hasn’t been built yet

At the end of each day or even each week reflect on your wins from that week

Did you talk to someone new, did you present a kickass project at work, did you go on a date, did you join a gym, did you try a new restaurant in your new city, did you explore a nice neighborhood

When you move to a new city everything becomes an adventure, everything is new and exciting and I want you to appreciate that moment because it will fade as you become more adapted to your environment

And know that you will get a wave of homesickness

I remember when I first moved from Orlando to Charlotte, I got homesick when I joined a gym

I felt really sad that the people I was used to seeing every day or almost every day at my LA fitness in Orlando, I will never see again

It’s not to say i wasn’t super excited for this move and next adventure in my life, but it is to say that everything and I do mean everything in my life was different

And that newness comes with a form of grief as you’re grieving your old life your previous chapter as you step into this new one

Which makes sense, because this change comes with letting go of an older version of you while simultaneously thanking that version for helping you get to where you are now

So when you move cities, if not states, stay curious, stay open to new adventures, people, and experiences because you never know what door could open up for you as a result of you being at the right place at the right time

But moving cities is shared experience number 4

Now, the final shared experience that I want to discuss today is about your body because let’s face it, you’re not getting any younger

Add in a desk job and figuring out what to eat three times a day all day every day and just plain taking care of yourself, you’re probably noticing some undesirable changes to your body

It’s common to gain weight and not have the same body that you had when you were in high school or college or even in your early twenties

But remember, just because something is common doesn’t mean you should just accept what’s going on

You need to take better care of yourself, starting yesterday

You need to be strength training at least once a week, you need to learn how to cook simple, nutrient-filled meals for yourself, you need to stop eating out for your meals and skipping breakfast

You’d be surprised how many people I talk to that ask for nutrition help aren’t even eating three meals a day

As you approach your mid twenties and beyond your body will change, especially to my females listening as your body is preparing to bare a child whether you want one or not, it’s in your biology

It’s done growing in height and if you don’t have any healthy systems in place to taking good care of yourself, then what you see in the mirror is going to reflect that actions you take on a regular basis

Your relationship to alcohol, fried food, and eating out because it’s easier than cooking and cleaning up after yourself needs a good old wake up call

It’s not to say you can never part take in those things but it is to say that your health is your greatest asset and you need to be treating it as such

Because if you don’t have a solid foundation in your nutritional and physical health, then you aren’t even giving yourself a fighting chance around moving through all of the other shared experiences that I’ve mentioned so far 

Meaning, your mental health will be that much more difficult to manage because you aren’t even doing to the bare minimum of taking care of yourself

But don’t worry, I don’t expect you to know exactly how to take of yourself, that’s what I’m here to help you out with

I know no one teaches you how to do this adulting thing, there is no handbook or manual, everyone expects you to just know

Even when they didn’t know what they were doing

They figure it’s a rite of passage to go through a lot of different struggles until you come out to the other side as you enter your thirties

Almost like a survival of the fittest challenge

And I feel sorry for them because they didn’t have this podcast to listen to, they didn’t have me as your designated twenty-something guide, so yeah they did have to struggle a bit to figure it all out

And that’s something you don’t have to do on your own

I think one of the biggest challenges in your twenties is the pull to want to grow up right away and the pull to want to stay young wild and free

We want both, we want a higher paying job, our forever relationship, our solid friend group with tons of memories already made, but we also want to feel free in how we spend our time, go travel the world, and experience our twenties like they do in the movies with partying and being single

It’s perfectly normal to have no idea what you’re doing, to not have ‘it’ figured out, whatever ‘it’ is for you

Which is a whole ideology in and of itself

I do believe you can have it figured out, I believe I do have it all figured out

And by that I mean I know exactly what I’m doing and what I’m working towards right now

And I also know that vision can change in a year or five or ten, but right now I wake up each and every day knowing what I need to do to make my dreams come true

And that’s what I help other twenty-somethings with because I was once in the shoes of not knowing what the hell I was doing with my life

It wasn’t until I lost my job and started to explore my own interests did I uncover my passion and what it takes to follow it through

To be able to leave my corporate job, to leave a relationship that wasn’t good for me anymore, to move to a brand new state, to be a self-sufficient twenty-something building a business, to stay in good shape and be healthy

All of those things came with pretty shitty learning experiences, but that’s part of life

You need the down moments to push you forward

And a coach to make this growth you’re experiencing or hardships much easier and quicker

So if there’s any message I want you to take away from this episode, it’s that all of the self-doubt, anxiety about your future, stuckness, confusion, and anything of the sort is perfectly normal

Your twenties will always be a decade long learning experience as you figure out who you are and what you want out of your life

And like I said, if you want to speed that process up and actually start making moves then I invite you to hop on a road to success call with me and we can start the conversation as to what that looks like for you and what you’re currently doing or not doing to get there

All you have to do is click the let’s chat link in the show notes and schedule a day and time that works for you

Because this is what I help people in your same boat with and I’m pretty damn good at helping you get your shit together and own your life

Boom mic drop

But no seriously, let’s chat and with that, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, if one of more than one of these experiences related to you or you have a friend that you know could benefit from hearing what I have to say then please share episode

Post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do and as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode