If you’re unhappy with where you’re at…

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today is all about how to make the necessary changes in your life if you’re unhappy with where you’re currently at

This could be in terms of your job, your friends, your romantic partner, your family dynamics, even your city

Throughout your twenties you are bound to come across at least one of these situations where maybe you’re not miserable and crying every single day, but you’re also not happy

It’s this slow build that happens where your tiny tolerances stack up until you’ve decided you’ve had enough

You get to a point where there are more feelings of unhappiness than happiness and it leaves you thinking huh i don’t like this anymore

If you’re an extremist then your immediate thought is going to be something along the lines of: time to burn my entire life to the ground and start from scratch.. Rebuild

Which is totally unnecessary 

Because if there’s anything I know about life’s situations, it’s that everything is figuretable

There’s always something you can do to improve your circumstances

And throughout this episode I will show you how each tactic applies to each area of your life

I also feel like this is a very appropriate topic to bring to light right now because it’s January, at the time of this episode release

And I’ve made episodes on the january blues in the past, so this is a play on that in terms of timing 

Because I find levels of unhappiness sky rocket post holiday hype when the days are very short and very very cold.. We tend to ruminate

So break out your happy lamps or order one if you don’t have one and let’s get into it

This topic was actually brought up with one of my personal training clients a few months ago, who definitely likes to keep me on my toes

Where in november he kept late cancelling his sessions.. We’re talking anywhere from 5 to 35 minutes prior to his morning session

And sometimes he’s my first session of the day, so it’s very frustrating to be out of bed, dressed and ready to go and then receive the text that he’s not showing up today

I’m pretty sure I life coach him more than personal train him but that’s the beauty of having both as my career path because there’s a lot of carry over

So anyways, this conversation came up and we got to talking about him wanting to quit his job

And he already told me he doesn’t want to because then, and I quote, “I will be ugly and miserable”

‘Versus just miserable if I stay at my job that pays for my lifestyle and personal training’

And I challenged him and said why does being miserable have to be part of each option

Why can’t there be an option where you’re happy or not stressed and able to pay for the things that help you look and feel good

So we got to talking about what these options could be and came down to three:

1. Change companies
2. Flirt with other departments this was so his manager would basically get jealous and appreciate all of his hard work 
3. Change departments 

This client said changing companies wasn’t on the list for him to even entertain and he doesn’t really want to change departments

What he really wants is for his manager to treat him better and appreciate him more

But that’s the hard part

And it’s going to show up in almost every category I’m going to discuss today

You can’t control what other people are or aren’t doing

You could want them to change until you’re blue in the face, but that’s just not how things work

You have to look at yourself, what do you have control over

What can you personally do about your current situation that does not involve asking someone else to do something differently

Because people aren’t going to change like that, people only change in your favor when they want to change and even then it’s not in your favor it’s usually in favor of them

Life would be far too easy if you were like hey can you change I don’t like that and poof the person changes to suit your exact needs

Unfortunately that doesn’t exist in today’s society 

So all you have is yourself, your own actions and reactions

Which is controlling how you react to something and then act in accordance

It’s one of the 6 pillars rooted in my own your life system that I take my one on one clients through

Which, if you’re looking to make any change right now so your life is better, then head to the show notes and let’s hop on a call.. There’s not better time to step into a coaching partnership with me than right now

And together we get to make a plan to turn your particular situation around so misery isn’t part of your options either

In this example, his options that he was in full control over were to flirt with other departments or change departments entirely

But here’s where everyone gets tripped up.. Achem if you’re not working with a coach… when it comes time to take action, we freeze 

It’s really easy to identify what you need to do, but really difficult to actually apply the steps to doing the things you know you need to do

This client in particular is a master at being handed all the tools, support, and resources and then essentially closing his eyes and continuing to throw himself a stressed out pity party

Like his sleep is awful so I talked to him about all the sleep tactics he could do since his current ones are obviously not working.. I even handed him a book to put himself to sleep to and he never read a single page

But that’s besides the point

If you’re listening right now and are thinking okay jess, I also am miserable at my job, what can I do about, then great, come step into my office

I think one of the best things you can do is give yourself a deadline and then know what happens within that deadline and when the deadline happens

It can feel really scary to make changes in your career, or step back into the job search, or talk to someone more higher up than you about what’s going on

But only you can answer this for yourself: what are you willing to tolerate, what can you let go, and what can you talk to someone about?

And then once you do all of the things that are within your control, give yourself a deadline.. Until when are you willing to put up with this treatment if things don’t turn around

This applies to every area of your life that involves another human relationship, but I’m starting with your career

Is there a mentor or an old boss you can talk to about what to do or how to best navigate this situation?

Is there a meeting you can book with your manager and in that meeting discuss that you feel like there is a communication issue and you would like to work on a solution to make their life easier

Because if your manager’s life is easier and happier, yours will be too

Yes it involves some ass kissing so pucker up buttercup

And then really ask yourself, what are you being sensitive over or what can you let go? Because anything else is worth bringing up to someone to help make your life less miserable

This is providing you don’t want to change companies entirely and go through the job hunt and interview process 

Since you do always have the option to leave, but I know you don’t really want to do that 

Unless you are crying every day.. Then yes get out, your mental health is very important

So your level of control comes down to three pieces: what are you willing to tolerate, what can you do about your situation, and until when are you going to put up with this mistreatment after you’ve done everything you could to improve your situation

Whether it’s your work, your friend, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your mom, dad, sister, brother, any relevant relationship in your life that is causing unhappiness

The irony is one of my girlfriends is not in what I define as a healthy relationship and while I was going through my friendship issues she was going through her relationship issues

And she’s the one that was like, if this was a guy would you tolerate this level of mistreatment or would you say goodbye

And I said I would say goodbye

And then she said okay so after you talk to her how long are you going to give it to see if things improve

I do wish this friend would apply her own advice to her relationship but she never asks me my opinion, and I’ve learned the very hard way to not give it if i’m not asked

Unless you’re paying me as your coach, in which case I’m going to ask you a lot of questions to make sure you’re seeing clearly

But me and this friend spoke back in October about what was going on and I said I’m going to try one more time and ask for what I need from this friendship, which is effort when it comes to making plans and seeing me, and give it until the end of the year

Well if you’ve listened to any of my most recent episodes, especially last week’s then you would know we never saw each other again

I reached out, asked her how I could be a better friend, with the round about goal of getting her to ask me how she could be better.. Which she did, she said what she need to, I said what I needed to, we made plans for 2.5 weeks later and it all blew up 3 days before our plans because she let her own story consume any other possibility of what was actually happening 

And I tell you this because there are going to be so many different times when you do everything that is within your control and you try to salvage your situation to make you less anxious, stressed, or upset and it’s still not going to work out in your favor

Or i guess it is in your favor it’s just not the outcome you hoped for

So I didn’t need to give it until the end of the year because she decided she didn’t have the capacity for our friendship prior to giving it another go

People are difficult to deal with

You’re working with their beliefs, stories, realities, as well as your own beliefs, stories, and realities

But if you’re dealing with someone who is either close minded, selfish, or in some serious need of therapy, then it’s not going to work out in the way you wanted

It’s why we can’t focus on what someone is doing or not doing, just on how you feel and what you want to do about it

The best thing you can do is be your own advocate, stand up for yourself and what you want and if someone cares about you then they will be willing to work together to reach a common ground

You’ll know it’s a situation worth fighting for when you can both speak your truths, understand the other person’s point of view and then do something about it

That goes for your manager too

Obviously not in the same way as an intimate relationship or inner circle person

But it’s all about collaborating on how to get the best of both worlds

And being willing to work on your half of the relationship at hand, because it’s rare that you aren’t contributing to any of the friction and misery

As long as you know you’re communicating clearly, expressing what you need, letting the other person do the same and meet you somewhere in the middle, identify what you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re not, and set a timeline to re-evaluate whether things have actually changed

Then you’re good to go, you’re in your zone of control to fix your unhappiness

What you can’t do is force someone to change, to care more, prioritize you, show up differently. 

You can help them see how their actions are affecting you and your relationship as a whole but you cannot get someone to behave differently

Do what you can. Show up. Communicate. Hold space for the fix without bringing up past disagreements.

Because I know you’re thinking, “if this person would just change, everything would be fine.”

But again, i’m purposefully being repetitive here, because that is not how people work

Your responsibility is yourself

Here’s what’s not working, here’s what I need, here’s what i’m willing to do, now what about you?

And if they don’t want to join you in this process of improving the current atmosphere then you have your answer and it’s time to walk away, change jobs, switch teams, break up, release them

Because you are not meant to live your life contorting yourself into a version that is serving other people at your own expense just so you can be treated well

When dealing with people, your power lies in your boundaries and speaking up

The only category of your life where talking things out doesn’t have the same level of carry over is if it’s your environment

The city you live in

Which one option is to definitely move somewhere new, but before you do that you need to ask yourself why do you want to move

Because chances are if you’re unhappy in this city, you’re problems are going to follow you to the next one

It’s possible you’ve outgrown your surroundings or the city you’re in isn’t what you thought it would be

Or if you’re like me back in 2019 you accepted a job in a city you never ever ever wanted to live in

I moved out of orlando because i never wanted to be there and then it became a place of stuckness

It represented a shit ton of hardship in my life and I knew that if I wanted to have my own business that I needed somewhere new where I could reinvent myself

However, moving is expensive, so if it’s not actually the city itself that you hate, or that there is an opportunity to grow somewhere else, then you need to change things up in your city to make it more you

That could be switching gyms, moving to a different apartment for the fresh start feel, change your route to work, join a new community

Change other elements of your life to make your city feel more like a home and isn’t keeping you in a state of unhappiness

But overall, being unhappy isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s a sign that it’s time for something to change, that what was once working is no longer working for you

So don’t ignore that signal, do something about it

And definitely don’t go into the extreme and make reckless changes

Advocate, think things through, and take responsibility for the roles you’re playing in your unhappiness

You’re not unhappy because you’re stuck, you’re unhappy because you keep hoping someone else will change something to make you happier

So own up to your unhappiness and do something about it

Which is exactly how I am going to conclude this episode of how to twenty-something

So if you liked what you heard, learned something new, are ready to make a much needed change, or know someone who needs to hear this the please share this episode, send it along or post it to social media and tag me when you do

Help me move up in podcast rankings for 2026 and expand my reach to every single twenty-something out there navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next year with another brand new episode