The “YOU” in your relationship

Do you ever feel like if it weren’t for your partner, you wouldn’t have a social life?

Or do you get scared of what would happen if you guys ever broke up – as in who would you tell your life story to every day, who would be there to check in on you, who would make you a priority in their life and mind?

These feelings come about when you have become dependent on your romantic relationship that you’ve lost sight of who you are and how you are capable of existing outside of it

And this is what I’ll be talking to you about in this episode of How To Twenty-something

Let’s begin by acknowledging the unique challenges and opportunities that come with being in your twenties. It’s a time of exploration, growth, and finding your place in the world. But it’s also a period when many of us are forming deep romantic connections. The question is, how do we balance these two aspects of our lives?

Especially when It’s almost impossible to escape the world of dating, romance, and commitment at this stage in our life, but knowing who you are is equally as important as the person you choose to do life with

Today isn’t only about who you are outside of your relationship, but also how it relates to who you are inside of it 

For starters, your relationship should complement your life; not complete it

Terms like “my other half” or “they complete me” should become obsolete from your vocabulary by the end of this episode, because all it’s doing is reinforcing the idea that you need someone else in your life in order to live a full life

I see so many people lose contact with their friends as they enter a new relationship, as though their partner serves as a replacement to the people you’ve already surrounded yourself with

Or being the person who constantly brings their new partner to every event because it’s like they cannot or refuse to exist without this other person accompanying them

Where a once independent person is now attached at the hip with someone else

And that’s not how it’s supposed to be

I’m sure you’ve probably been the friend on the other side of the coin when you get ditched by your friend for their boyfriend or girlfriend

And when that happens all too often, you stop trying to coordinate plans

Maybe in your earlier years, you were the friend that did that because you hadn’t developed the wherewithal to see it happening until the relationship ended and you looked around to see no one by your side

Or maybe by listening to this episode you can see that you’re on that road right now where your partner is your primary friend and you don’t make plans with other people as a result, which now is your opportunity to hop off that road and change directions

I know I’ve had friends who have done this.. One of them was my first roommate out of college where when she was single we would make plans every weekend and were good friends, but the second a new boy entered her life it was like I ceased to exist, but also had to be ready to pick her back up when that ship ended

And this happened pretty frequently 

After I started recognizing this pattern, I stopped coordinating plans with her whether she was single or dating someone else

It made me feel like a spare tire 

I do want to acknowledge that some of this dependence comes from that original belief that you should find someone who completes you and I’m here to challenge that ideology with you are a whole person

There’s not a part of you that’s missing or broken without this other person, as they should exist to add value to your life

It’s better with them in it, of course, but without them you are a complete person 

Finding the YOU inside and outside of your relationship is crucial to a healthy relationship and not a codependent one

This doesn’t mean your partner shouldn’t come hang out with you and your friends and vice versa, but it does mean that it’s important to designate solo time with your friends and by yourself

Knowing that it’s important to maintain the friendships that existed prior to this relationship or even during so that you don’t feel like your partner is your only friend

Don’t lose sight of who you are because you have your love goggles on and feel as though you don’t really need anyone else in your life because you found your person

When the truth is you need to surround yourself with a variety of people for the best quality of life

This concept really applies to couples who move to a new city together because the only people you know is each other; but establishing yourself and creating friends on your own will reinforce this sense of self and independence from your relationship

Maybe a part of you is afraid that if you don’t need your partner, as in you don’t let your partner feel needed then they would leave you because you girl bossed to close to the sun

And you might not want to hear this but that is an insecurity that you have in your relationship

It’s a fear of abandonment that comes from low self esteem because you are seeking validation and approval from them to feel good about yourself and where you stand in your relationship

And this is also commonly found in my fellow people pleasers, so just be aware as to whether or not you are putting your partners needs, dreams, and desires in front of your own

As your needs, dreams, and desire make you who you are and create your uniqueness and individuality and you don’t have to put all of this on hold just because you’re in love

In fact, it will serve you best to carve out check ins with yourself and how you’re growing towards the person you want to be, what goals you’re seeking, and making steps towards your future self

But just like you’re a whole person who doesn’t need completing; your partner is also a whole person

Maybe up until now you’ve felt this pressure that you’re supposed to merge yourself with this other person, like becoming one is the ultimate goal of a relationship and signified as a successful one

Where what was once two separate identities come together to think as one because you believe you are incomplete or inadequate without this other person

Or if you view life differently and with your own thoughts then that means you guys aren’t compatible

But when you abide by this thought you stunt your own personal growth and discovery as to who you are

Right now, being in your twenties, you are constantly experiencing massive changes and learning experiences that are forming you into a functioning adult

You limit yourself when you cut yourself off from everyone who isn’t your partner

You get distracted from your own goals, dreams, and passions and lose sight of who you are and who you are aspiring to be

And while yes it’s essential for a healthy relationship to have aspects of closeness and intimacy it’s equally as vital to maintain your own individuality as who you are as an individual is your strength that you are bringing into the relationship

And honestly, this is when being in a long distance relationship is beneficial to your self development in this phase of your life

I was in a long distance relationship in my early twenties and because I wasn’t able to spend every moment of my free time with my boyfriend I was able to create my new adulting life living in a new city

Long distance allows you to establish yourself without the help and influence of your partner because this isn’t where they live

It actually helps you guys get to know each other and bond even more when you are visiting one another because you get to introduce one another to this whole other life that exists outside of the relationship that exists together

But to prevent this merging of minds from happening for those of you who aren’t in a long distance relationship, let’s talk about how to balance the “me” from the “we” and why this is so important to learn

By nurturing your own sense of self, your individual interests, goals, and identity can actually strengthen the bond that you share with your partner

It helps the sustainability of the relationship 

You can begin developing your sense of self by asking yourself these three questions:

What about you makes you unique from everyone else?

What are you striving for in your life? This could be in regards to your career, your health, your relations and anything in between

And thirdly, how do you show up outside of your relationship?

The answers to these questions will help you pull out who you are as a complete and whole person and what you are striving for

Notice how none of those questions ask about your actual relationship, but about what makes you YOU

The second thing under this me vs we balancing act is defining your boundaries openly and respectfully

This means personal space and alone time without the other person, as I mentioned earlier, which also includes being with your friends and family

Forms and frequency of communicating to one another is also a type of boundary. Preferred methods of texts, phone calls, face to face, facetime, etc and how often each of you prefer to have these touch points

I was in a relationship once where honestly we communicated mainly through snap chat throughout the day and hardly texted unless it was something a bit more urgent and then we would schedule when we could both talk on the phone or facetime and that’s what worked for us

A fun kind boundary is sharing your career and personal goals and how you guys can support each other’s aspirations without feeling the need to compromise your own pursuits

This is a big one, this is what helps you feel like you are creating your own life and not sacrificing yourself and your path for your partner’s as that would eventually result in resentment

And I want to reiterate that boundaries aren’t for the purpose of controlling one another but about feeling respected and fostering this healthy sense of individuality in your relationship

Of course as time progresses your boundaries can always be adjusted based on your comfort levels or experiences, adapting and shifting is always going to be a part of life

But aside from defining your sense of self and establishing boundaries another way to achieve a healthy balance between me and we is to respect your differences

Because you are two different people so you’re going to have different backgrounds and beliefs but what you don’t want to do is change or suppress each other

It’s okay to have different thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and to simply agree to disagree on certain subject matters and recognize that these differences help to reinforce your individualities

Kind of like what I talked about in the community episode only this time it’s in regards to your romantic relationship

These are things that can be adjusted and discussed about over time but it is crucial to the longevity and happiness of your relationships because you both thrive as individuals who have decided to come together to complement one another’s lives

Your partner chose you for who you are not for who you think they wanted you to be

This has surfaced a lot in recent years, that you cannot change your partner and I even had a conversation with a client about what that really means

Because you can teach and converse about behaviors you want to see and if they simply cannot step it up to adhere to these things, within reason of course, then this is not the partner for you as they are not meeting your needs

But behaviors can change over time if they care enough to make the changes

Things that you can’t change in a person is their personality. 

For example, if you are dating an introvert and you are extremely extroverted you cannot expect your partner to change to become this outgoing person who wants to go out and meet people all the time

Because they are drained from interacting with others and that’s not something you can change about them

Do you see the difference between changing your partner? Some are innate, it’s who they are, but behaviorally we all could learn a thing or two about our partner’s wants and needs

But going back to nurturing who you are inside and outside of your relationship might mean your extroverted ass is going out and being social and it might mean needing to do a lot of that alone

And that’s a good thing, go do things by yourself, prove to yourself that you are a whole person who can function without their partner by their side at all times

But if these concepts are new for you, as in you don’t typically venture off on your own without your partner or you grew up watching your parents do everything together then please know this is going to take some time

And with anything that’s new it’s going to feel weird and awkward, but it is so healthy for you to make an effort towards

Challenge yourself to do activities without your partner – especially if you guys live together

Go to groups or events that you enjoy, meet people independently

Regardless of what direction you decide to take please let the main message be to not lose yourself or sacrifice who you are for the benefit of your partner

Because at the end of the day, it’s not going to benefit either one of you

I want to say this again because it’s such an important message: Your partner fell in love with you for you, not who they thought you should be

And as we wrap up today’s episode, I want you to remember that your relationship should enhance your life, not define it. Your individuality is what makes you unique and valuable, both to yourself and to your partner.

By nurturing the “you” outside of your relationship, you’ll not only grow as an individual but also contribute positively to your partnership

And with that, I want to thank you for listening to another episode of How To Twenty-something… I love when you guys tell me you listened to an episode

If you liked what you heard please share it with a friend or on social media, or tell me what you liked about it by emailing me at coach.jessdiamond@gmail.com

And if you want to be a guest, have a story, or have a question you want some coaching around then please head to the show notes and find the link that you’re looking for

Otherwise, I will be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode