Creating independence within your community

Before I begin today’s episode I want to remind you all of the next virtual masterclass that I am offering called Change is a choice

It will be held on zoom on Tuesday, October 17th at 7:30pm EST and if you can’t make it to the live call there will be a replay sent out immediately after it’s over

But this is an incredible hour long free coaching call with me where I am going to help you face any big change in your life head on, learn how to handle it, and feel in control of what you’re experiencing

We all go through changes in our adulting life, big changes, and it’s time you learn how to deal them instead of run away from them

All you have to do is head to the show notes or jessdiamondcoaching.com/change and put in your info to sign up

And now, back to the show

Welcome back to How To Twenty-Something, where today we’re going to be talking about independence and how it’s so important to create for yourself but also how it relates to where you stand within your tribe of people

Being in your twenties means you are uncovering new senses of what freedom feels like and that it’s not all that it’s chalked up to be

If you’re part of the young professional population that is living out on your own, covering a majority of your bills, showing up at your full-time job, taking on the responsibility of making sure you’re eating right and moving your body, then you understand what it feels like to be in charge of your own life experiences

But also that you’re not truly free 

Yes, you’re free from your parents rules and restrictions, but you are still expected to behave in a particular way to be accepted as a functioning member in society

Over the course of this episode I will be circling back to what it means to be independent in relation to your personal life and social life and how you need to develop a sense of independence within your own community of people and a later episode will discuss this concept but within the realm of a significant other

First off, I want to acknowledge the fears that come with this topic, because when you are officially off on your own, going to your adult job, and responsible for everything you are experiencing, things become really lonely

Suddenly, no one is checking in on you regularly

Sure your mom and dad care for you and want to know how you’re doing, but even that relationship changes as you’re no longer living under their roof and seeing them every day

Therefore, in the grand scheme of things, you are all alone

And that realization can either be really daunting and depressing or empowering

You have the choice where you can view it as I’m all alone and no one cares about me, I’m no one’s priority, and no one actually cares what I’m doing in my free time

Or you can view it as I’m in charge of what is happening in my life, and if that means I want to spend a Friday night by myself, then I will make it the most relaxing Friday night I can have

And I’m going to be honest, over the last several months I have been viewing my life in the former version of being in victim mode and then my coach gave me the wake up call I needed to claim my power back

It’s not to say I don’t still feel sad that I’m no one’s priority or if I packed up and moved away without telling a soul, it would take a pretty long time for people to notice I even left, but it is to say that if I want to go out on friday night then I need to be the one to make the plans to do so, whether that’s with other people I know or by myself

This experience largely relates to those of you who are single, but I’ve even heard it from people who are in relationships and have the sudden realization that their partner is the only person in their life

And that they lost the sense of community they once knew and interacted with regularly – which is why there’s going to be a separate episode about this exact thing

Being single, not having a best friend in your city, or not surrounding yourself with the same people regularly can create a very lonely experience at any point in your life, not just in your twenties

Your twenties, however, are going to be one of the first times you do encounter a moment like this

You are no longer naturally part of a group where you will interact with the same people at the same time everyday – aside from your coworkers, which is a form of a community, but as I’ve mentioned in a former episode these people aren’t really going to be included in your social community

Your container has expanded so much that now you feel as though you don’t belong anywhere

This transition into the adult world and throughout different parts of your twenties is going to be unfamiliar, it’s going to be uncomfortable, but it’s also going to make you stronger, it’s going to develop your sense of self and who you are and how you operate independently of those around you

You don’t need someone else to validate who you are as now you get to discover what all of this really boils down to and that’s your own worth

Knowing what you are worthy of and what you are deserving of opens up this whole new realm of possibilities and strength in the person you are wanting to become

When you are independent you are no longer reliant on others for your own happiness or approval

Suddenly, you have generated your own power to know what you want to do, who you want around you, and who is going to enhance your life rather than make you feel like you have to dim your light

I think sometimes we get so caught up in wanting our own community of friends that we forget who we are

We are constantly seeking approval and inclusion and lose our personality along the way which makes sense because all humans want to feel is accepted and that we belong so we are going to mold ourselves into what we feel is the most widely accepted version of ourselves, and that’s not necessarily the free, true, most authentic version that exists

This is an experience I’ve seen happen with myself several times

On this podcast I am this wise person, at least I hope come across that way, but a lot of times I also forget that I’m funny and goofy because when I’m around the quote unquote wrong people I become quiet

I’m an introvert at heart, but an extrovert around the right people

I’m subconsciously afraid to speak my mind, but the shift that happens when I am comfortable and when I do feel well accepted is that I say the first thing that pops into my head which tends to be some funny comment that gets a laugh or two out of those around me because I’m relaxed and when I feel relaxed I feel the most free

The most free to act and say what I want, judgment free and fully accepted 

I noticed this kind of thing happen when I ended my last relationship and vividly remember telling my coworkers at the time that I feel like my personality came back

It happened again when my mom, sister, and I went to DC on a little family trip earlier this year and I had my mom in tears, from laughing so hard, thus reminding me again that hey I am funny

Like somehow I had forgotten that I have this wonderful side that gets hushed when I don’t feel like I’m in a very accepting group, as in I’m not comfortable; and for me this largely generates from feeling other people’s energies and acting accordingly again with the underlying desire to feel accepted

But when I’m with my family or in an accepting group, my guard goes down and my humor comes out

We all have different versions of ourselves depending on the situation we’re in because instinctively that’s what allowed us to be accepted

And as humans we needed to be accepted into a group for survival; and that’s something that still is ingrained within us today

That when we are exiled, for one reason or another, we lose our confidence we lose our beliefs in ourselves, and we turn inwards afraid to go out and try again

Afraid of the rejection that could result again from you not fitting in

But I’m here to tell you that you shouldn’t feel like you are forcing a circle into a square shape, go find your circles that do welcome you with ease

And it’s not to say that there is only one circle that you fit in

In fact, if you look around you, you’ll probably be able to pull out different communities in your life that serve different purposes

There’s your work community, your social community, your hobby or team sport community, if you’re in a book club then that’s another community, a walking group community, a dance community, and so on and so forth

Each group you are a part of represents some piece of you and you might even realize that you show up differently based on where you are

Like you’re not going to be known as the one to get up on the bar and start dancing around in your work community; at least I hope not, because that’s the professional you and you have a reputation you want to either create or uphold

Now, some communities do overlap and that’s what creates your core friend group and supportive community

The caveat is, this core group can either build you or limit you

And this where knowing yourself and how you show up independently of this group proves to be so important

When you know your worth, when you know who you are, then you are able to surround yourself with like-minded people

But it’s also knowing that as you evolve and grow at a different rate than the people around you, you may not be accepted by them anymore, because it is very important to realize that you outgrow certain people and that’s okay, that’s part of life

It’s a true test of character when you become aware that the people you are with on a regular basis are holding you back from your true potential

Sometimes that means leaving the group that is no longer serving you for another one, where people do push you to be a better you and do call you out on your bullshit and excuses, or share your new interests and dreams

It’s not any easy process to go through, but standing your ground and staying true to who you are and who you know you can be is that independence factor

You will find your people again, people who want to lift you up rather than hold you back, or even keep you where you are

People who make you feel like you matter and that your presence adds value to the group and doesn’t go unnoticed when you aren’t around

It’s not saying that you shouldn’t have different viewpoints than those around you, in fact the best kind of community is filled with different brains that challenge you and make you think harder or learn different perspectives on certain subject matters

But it is saying that you shouldn’t surround yourself with yes men who follow the general leader of that group

I think this is a concept that is highlighted very well in shows and movies where there is a clique of usually females and there’s one clear leader while the remaining ladies feel as though they are walking on eggshells because if they challenge the leaders thoughts then they will be an outcast

And then usually by the end of the movie one character does find her voice and stands up to the leader and the other people in the group feel encourage to follow suit 

You can probably start to pull out the shows and movies like shows like mean girls, gossip girls, hairspray and so many others

But when you are independent within your community you are able to think for yourself and still feel accepted even if someone disagrees with your way of being, thinking, or acting

I’m personally the friend that challenges your thought processes because I know who you are trying to become and if your actions aren’t in alignment with that future you you’re striving for, then you bet your ass I’m going to call you out on it

I’ve always been that friend, the one to tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear and I know I have some people in my life that do the same for me

I also know that I have lost some people in my life that are only looking for the yes man and not to have their decisions be questioned

A group of yes men aren’t going to help you grow, you need people around you who are going to challenge your thought processes, whether you agree with them or not, whether it pisses you off to hear or not

You need to surround yourself with individuals and that’s the key part of it all; these are individuals that all come together that give you those different viewpoints, perspectives, and challenges and all help form you into a better person

One who is now more open minded

The core group of people you commonly interact with can either hold you back or push you forward, and it’s not easy to remove yourself from the environment that is holding you back

It takes a lot of strength and a lot of alone time as you work to build up your new community

I actually had a coaching call recently where this client was talking about struggling in her community when she realized all they wanted to do was drink alcohol and in the process of joining them so frequently she realized she was losing her ambition

She had the wherewithal to understand that she had stopped progressing

As someone who was previously so driven and ready to take on the world it was her community that was holding her back from reaching her true potential

Unintentional of course, as hopefully no one is going to talk you out of your dreams and aspirations that have your best interest at heart

But now she’s in the process of refinding herself and who she wants surrounding her

Which in your twenties, it can be really tough to feel accepted when you don’t partake in alcoholic endeavors and even harder when you feel alone in that decision

I think it’s a true test to someone’s character when I say I don’t really drink and wait for their reaction

Some people are immediately accepting and those are the type of people I want around me and is what I told this particular client as well

Other people are faced by their own insecurities as they could never operate in a social environment without the help of some substance and that makes them uncomfortable, so as a result they are going to try to make you feel uncomfortable or not want you around as you serve as this constant reminder

It’s on you to understand where they are coming from and if that’s who you want around you

Because if there’s one thing I know about humans is that how you do one thing is how you do everything so if someone is projecting their alcohol insecurities onto you, what’s stopping them from projecting something else onto you down the line

You are in charge of who you welcome into your community and your life

You’re going to come across a lot of different people with a lot of different beliefs, backgrounds, ways of being, and understandings of themselves and the world around them

We are all still growing up during this time of our lives and with that comes a lot of learning experiences

But if you close your eyes to the changes and shifts occurring then you are limiting yourself from your true potential 

Which could also be a form of self-sabotaging and is associated with a fear of success, as in you are afraid of what will happen and who you will lose if you do reach your full potential

It’s a mindset that I can help you overcome, it’s one that likes to sneak up in my life as well, and is an experience that is quite uncomfortable so every fiber in your being is going to tell you to run the opposite way

The bottomline is, the longest relationship you’re ever going to have is with yourself and if you don’t like the person who is showing up day in and day out, then it’s time to change the people you are surrounding yourself with

Another way to look at it, is if you had a child, would you be proud of this version of themselves or would you want to kick their ass into the person you know they can be

It’s hard to read the label when you’re on the inside of the jar, so sometimes you need to separate yourself from your experiences by looking at your current life from an outside perspective

Replace yourself with a different person

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you are the sum of the five people you surround yourself with the most, so if there are things whether that be actions, viewpoints, priorities, ambition or lack thereof that goes against your belief systems, then let this be the wakeup call that you need to shift your core community

Seek out the people you admire, the ones who make you feel wanted, challenge you to think differently, and push you towards the next version of you 

And the last point I want to bring to your mind in regards to creating independence in your community is to really understand who you are outside of the communities you are a part of, because one day they could all disappear and then you are left with yourself again, trying to figure out or reconnect with your own identity

This is where I’m at in life right now and why I felt called upon to make an episode about this concept

I had a wonderful community of friends, my birthday was in March and I never felt more loved, and just a few weeks later it all disappeared and this whole summer has been a very struggling experience as I had all that I wanted and more and while I wish things go go back to the way they were I know this all unraveled for a reason

At the same time a new community popped into my life at one of the gym’s I work at, but I do still long for my inner circle of people

And now I am redefining my own identity, my relationship to myself, and who I want in my circle

It’s okay to feel lonely, it’s a feeling that comes with being okay with doing things alone but when you want to include other people you’re staring at a blank page

I took my own advice from the episode on making friends in your twenties where I signed up for kickball and I created a book club so I can surround myself with sporty and growth minded people

And I know this community I’m building is going to take time, and right now I’m in this really uncomfortable and extremely lonely transition phase in my twenties, but it will make me stronger in the end

Throughout this experience I am able to better connect with my clients who are going through something similar and I’m forced to face some insecurities that I honestly thought I got over

My fear of rejection is shining through with every weekend that approaches and I have a blank social calendar and anxiety and sadness riddles my body and mind

I’ve learned that it’s on me to create invites and I’m absolutely mortified by the process of reaching out to someone I’m not close with yet to see if they are free

But when our whole world comes crashing down, you’re left with two options: crumble with the debris or rebuild

And right now, we are rebuilding, one brick at a time

My questions for you are do you feel comfortable speaking your mind in your current group of people? As in call them out on their actions, say what you want to do or don’t want to do, and say something when you feel it’s wrong?

Are you able to stay home for a weekend and not feel antsy or filled with fomo?

And do you feel like you’re inviting yourself into already made plans?

Seriously ask yourself these three questions because they will be the window to how you are operating in your current group and if it’s time to shift gears; whether that means changing your group or changing how you show up in it

Because when you create your independence you are no longer reliant on others to create a life for you, you become the owner of your calendar and how you show up in your life and in the lives of others

Even when you’re an introvert with a horrible fear of rejection, like myself

So seriously take a look around, take a look in the mirror, do something alone or outside of your core group, don’t get stuck just because it’s comfortable because at the end of the day that’s not serving you to its highest ability 

And if you’re in Charlotte and want to join my book club, let me know!! 

And to those of you in the midst of transitioning your community of people I feel for you, it’s really tough but I want you to know that I’m right here with you

And through this learning experience I’ve learned from the older women I surround myself with that this will not be the last time a shift in my community will happen

As I wrap up today’s episode, I want to encourage you to spend a weekend alone, intentionally clear your social calendar and be with yourself

Never lose sight of who you are

And If you liked what you heard please give me a good rating or subscribe and follow to be notified when a new episode drops, share it with a friend or on social media and tag me in coach.jessdiamond if you do

But otherwise, you got this, you’re going to come out stronger on the other side even if you feel a little lost right now

And with that, thank you for listening to how to twenty-something and I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week

And in the meantime you can go sign up for Choice is a Change just by heading to the show notes and clicking the link provided