Top 10 red flags in your relationship

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is on the top 10 red flags to look out for in your relationship

I went back and forth with planning this episode on whether I should have this topic encompass all relationships from romantic to friends to professional

And while you can probably easily carry over the red flags into the other categories of relationships, I think it’s best to focus in on your romantic one

The person you are dating

I know I did an episode with a guest on are they the one or is it time to run, but this one is a little different

This episode is to highlight the sneaky red flags that you need to open your eyes to when it comes to the person you’re dating 

I find that it’s like a rite of passage to date someone really shitty in your early twenties as a way to learn what you’re actually looking for in a forever spouse 

So this episode is to help you clarify for yourself if this is the person you want to spend your life with

And if that’s not what your goals are right now, I suggest you still listen because if you’re spending a lot of time with a not so great person, it’s going to affect you regardless

Your confidence, your co-dependence, your other relationships, how you view yourself and your life, your dreams, your goals

Like in 2019, when i graduated college and had no job lined up yet, I thought about getting my personal training certification

And my boyfriend at the time told me not to.. That it would be a waste of time and money

And I listened to him

I trusted his word

Fast forward to a whole year later when I lost my job during the pandemic, I figured listening to him last year didn’t improve my life any so I’m going to listen to myself this time and just do it

It’s not like I needed him to pay for it or anything, but I did want his support

And then when it came time for me to make the decision to leave my corporate job and pursue coaching and personal training full time in 2021, he was unsupportive yet again 

But I had already learned not to listen to him when it came to my dreams and goals

He was holding me back from what I wanted to explore and that was when I started to realize he’s not the person for me

I needed someone who was going to be cheering me on to chase after my dreams, not try to talk me out of it

And I know it does come from a place of care, especially when it’s a dream about your career path

Because the person you’re with sees a future with you and it’s scary to have a partner want to take a gamble on their career path and therefore finances

But remember, how we do one thing is how we do everything, so if it’s not a dream about your career, it’s a dream about traveling or where to live or a family

All in all, The person you date has a massive level of influence over you whether you like it or not

And it takes a lot of guts to walk away from this person, confront them, and stand up against them to your benefit

So let’s get into the first red flag which is piggy backing off of the story I just sahred

Red flag number 1 is if they do not support your dreams or don’t encourage you to give it a try

They’ll downplay your goals, joke about them, subtly steer you toward something smaller or change the subject whenever you bring it up.. Those are definitely things to look out for

You want to be with someone who wants you to shoot for the stars and cheer you along the whole way

Especially because you’re going to have your own moments of doubt and you need your partner to be the person to pick you back up and tell you ‘you got this’ not feed into the doubts you’re already having

Again take my story as an example

Towards the end I knew deep down my ex wanted to be supportive but could not bring himself to be

He would question my choices by saying ‘why would you leave a stable corporate job for no guarantee’

Luckily I knew myself pretty well by this point and figured it’s better to take a chance on myself than to let my fate lie in the hands of someone else 

And I found something I’m super passionate about that you can make money off of

So not supportive your dreams, is red flag number 1

Another red flag is if your partner makes any literally ANY negative comment on your body.. It’s a no

Because your body, whether you’re male or female.. Is going to keep changing as you get older

And if they don’t like what they see in your twenties.. I’ve got a rough reality check for ya and it’s they’re going to like what they see ever

My ex used to say I was shaped like a door, he would play connect the dots with my acne, he would threaten to break up with me if I ever gained 5 pounds 

And I know what you’re thinking.. Jess why the fuck would you stay with someone like that

I’ll tell you why

Because he would also call me a baddie… he found me desirable and I brushed off his comments like it was a joke… it wasn’t 

But I was in my younger twenties and I didn’t know any better.. I also didn’t realize that everything he pointed out that was wrong with me and my appearance was him projecting his own insecurities

As someone who had to go on accutane in high school, who gained upwards of 25lbs in our relationship… he wasn’t shaped like a door but he had his own body insecurities that he wanted to include me in by making fun of me

So yeah, any negative comment about your appearance is an immediate no go

That one might seem obvious, but when you’re in love you don’t realize it’s impact on you

The third red flag you’re going to want to look out for is does this person shut down conversations when you bring something up that bothers you

Like if you’re crying about something do they try to get you stop crying because they’re uncomfortable or do they try to comfort you and be there for you

Ryan, my current boyfriend, thanks me when I cry in front of him.. I kid you not he’ll literally say thank you for opening up to me

Whereas I’ve been in a relationship where tears were not accepted and he’d try to get me to cheer up and stop crying by deflecting the conversation to a different topic or would go completely silent

Like he didn’t know what to do with me when I was upset 

And i could’ve been crying because of him or something entirely different 

If your partner shuts down hard or uncomfortable conversations by withdrawing, going silent, or deflecting then that’s your red flag

You need someone who is going to stay engaged.. Sit through the discomfort, work things out in that moment to make sure you’re okay and feel seen and heard

This is something that definitely gets better with age but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to find an emotionally unavailable thirty-something.. It’s just to know that people for the most part do mature 

The fourth red flag kind of falls under the same umbrella and it’s when they listen with no follow through

Meaning they’ll promise to change, to be better and maybe that sticks for a week, maybe even a month, but you constantly find them resorting back to their old habits

You can recognize this one if you have the same fights over and over again or find yourself getting upset over very similar things time and time again

In the moment they might hear you, they make you feel seen and validated, they’ll talk up a big game as to what will be different so as not to lose you

And then either temporary or no action takes place

You want to see consistent adjustments in their behavior

Now, no one is perfect so they might slip up now and again, but you should see an improvement overall and an acknowledgement from them when they mess up on accident

It doesn’t need some grand gesture, just some kind of action plan that’s going to help both of you stay accountable to what’s being said in that particular conversation

Also under that umbrella is red flag number 5, they make broken promises

They constantly say they’ll take you here, do this, show up at this time, and you’re getting to a point where you can’t believe their word until it actually happens

And trust me when I say I see you on this one

It fucks with your head

Trust is necessary in a relationship.. Yes it’s trusting they won’t cheat on you but it’s also being able to trust what they say across all aspects

If you find yourself having to adjust your own expectations to spare your own feelings from being hurt, or from being let down… that’s your red flag

You want to be with someone who keeps their word

Once you experience broken promises in a relationship you become forever changed

It then becomes one of the hardest things to gain trust in with someone new and it’s not going to get better they are going to keep making those broken promises

So abide by 3 strikes you’re out.. Because you deserve to be with someone who values the words that come out of their mouth

Alright moving right along to red flag number 6: they don’t take care of themselves

Now, this can fall under a lot of different categories but if you’re dating someone whose habits are less than desirable, the opposite of yours, or even the opposite of what you want yours to be then that’s a ref flag

This could be basic hygiene like showering and brushing their teeth

Or it could be their eating and drinking habits, their exercise regimen

If you want a future with this person then you’re going to want them to want to take care of themselves.. Bonus green flag is if they want you to improve your habits too

Relationships should push each of you to want to be better and do better for yourself and for your partner

If you deem them as lazy or unhealthy or gross… i mean boys are gross in general but there’s next level gross that’s just unhygienic you want to watch out for

And ladies, listen up to this one.. Because if you want kids and are thinking of kids in your future with this person.. The man’s health will directly affect your pregnancy symptoms

The healthier he is, the easier your pregnancy is going to be

That is in terms of alcohol consumption, food quality, and exercise

I’m not saying you guys have to have the exact same habits, but there should be a level of care you require in your partner and in yourself that aligns to some extent

Red flag number 7 is when they make you feel like you’re being too much or too dramatic.. Basically it’s when your emotions are not being taken seriously

This is where they’ll brush you off, tell you to calm down or it’s not the serious and essentially invalidate your feelings

Or oof or they throw them back at you

I’m going to get personal here and it’s not something I openly share but I was in a relationship where my consent did not feel like it mattered and when I finally had the courage to confront him and we had a good conversation about it

The very next day we were standing in a coffee shop and I leaned on him because I was tired.. And he pulled away and said “you didn’t ask for consent first”

(exhale)

That broke me

He just threw my own experience.. A very personal experience back at me

And truthfully that was when I knew our relationship was over

So just know, your emotions, your experiences, how you interpret something is never ever ever too much for the right person

What you want instead is for your emotions to be met with curiosity and care and like your heart is made of glass and this other person is doing everything in their power to make it feel protected and to not worry about it potentially being shattered

You want to be taken seriously even if it’s under the most bizarre scenario because the reality is.. It’s real to you and you need your partner to be there with you in that moment.. Even if they don’t entirely understand why you’re feeling the way you do

Your emotions are valid and you want to feel accepted in your most vulnerable state

Red flag number 8 is if they have an excuse for everything

Not to take things to the extreme here but this a form of narcissism 

They justify their behaviors even though it hurt you.. Whether it’s because you made them act that way, or it was really your fault in the first place, or there some other excuse

So instead of acknowledging where they went wrong or even apologizing for making you feel a certain way, they come up with some kind of excuse that essentially shuts the rest of the conversation down

Whether it was bad timing, work stress, prior traumas.. We all have those things and you can definitely explain why you did or didn’t do something, but then you should still take responsibility for your actions upsetting your partner

Because in a healthy relationship both things can be true: they can have an excuse and you can still be hurt by what they did… the what happens next is what differentiates a red flag from a green flag

And that’s in the form of apologizing and not trying to spin the story so the conversation ends without fully talking things through to prevent similar things from reoccurring

Red flag number 9 is keeping score

This looks like “well i paid this amount for dinner so you need to pay for the next one” or “I planned the last 2 dates so you should plan the next two” even “I’ve initiated intimacy all these times so I won’t initiate anymore until you start to”

It looks at the relationship like a transaction of I did this so why haven’t you done the same

Like they will only do this kind thing.. Which is usually the bare minimum… as long as you return the favor in an equal or greater way

Red flag 

You want to be with someone who is mutually generous with no strings attached

And that brings me to the final red flag which pertains mostly to females since we’re very mental when it comes to this sort of thing

But if you’re hardly ever in the mood or only in the mood when you’re under the influence OR find yourself constantly bickering, nagging, snapping at your partner

Then take that as a red flag that things are not working out

Typically, excessive bickering or being short tempered stems from not feeling loved in your relationship and as a result you don’t want to have sex with your partner

There’s nothing wrong with you and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken, but it is definitely a red flag that can be reversed if you’re able to identify what’s going on underneath the surface

Which, if you or your partner exhibits any of the other 9 i just listed then there is a good chance you’re not going to be able to unearth the bigger, deeper problems 

So it’s time to leave this relationship anyways

You want to feel mutually wanted.. You want to want your partner and feel calm around them

And your partner should want you and want to help you feel calm and safe

Your short temper comes from being unloved.. Or another way to think about it is you’re not being loved in the way you receive love

This goes into what is your love language and how can you partner feed into it so your cup is full

But these are your 10 hidden red flags that you need to look out for in your relationship and if your partner exhibits any one of them then first bring it up to them.. With a solution in mind… and if that doesn’t work

As in you get shut down or they get mad/defensive.. Then it’s time to consider walking away

You deserve so much more than this and it definitely comes with knowing your worth, having self-confidence, and finding the courage to walk away

All of which comes with age and experience 

Here’s what I don’t want you to do… beat yourself up for not realizing any of these things sooner

This is your first time living so you’ll always be learning and growing

And these are the seemingly less obvious red flags that happen behind close doors

That isn’t cheating, or verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.. Those are the giant ones

These are the more psychological and emotional ones that you might be turning a blind eye to

And the final thing I’ll say as I wrap up this episode is to not hold on to the hope that they will change

People only change when they want to

And just because they temporarily change, does not mean your relationship is fixed

If you’re finding yourself saying when it’s good.. It’s really good.. You need leave

Life is stressful enough.. Your relationship should bring you peace, comfort, and happiness 98% of the time and then that 2% is for the rough patches 

Take your partner for who they are at face value

And ask yourself.. If nothing changed from this point on would you still want to be in this relationship in 10 years?

That will give you some very clear answers as to whether or not it’s’ time to walk away

And if you need some support through this or someone to talk this over with.. Then please reach out to me

I know it’s a tough decision, you’re going to feel like you’re moving backwards, and everything in your life is going to change

So it’s really scary

But I promise you, I’m here for you and you’re going to be so much better off in the long run

I do not regret leaving my ex

And I’m saying that as someone who stayed single for 3.5 years before meeting Ryan

I know you won’t regret leaving this person either

So on that note, thank you for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, have a story to tell me about an ex or current partner of yours, then please let me know!

And then don’t forget to share this episode in case someone needs to hear their in a bad relationship and you don’t want to be the one to tell them so

You can post it on social media or send it to a friend

Just please help me help all of the twenty-somethings in this world get out of shitty relationships and navigate the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode 

• Doesn’t support dreams

• Comments on your body

• Shuts down conversations

• Listens with no action

• Makes broken promises

• Doesn’t take care of themselves

• Makes you feel like you’re too much, too dramatic

• Has an excuse for everything

• Keeps score

• You’re hardly ever in the mood vice versa/ bickering