Jess (00:03.908)
Welcome back to another episode of How to 20-Something, where today I’ve brought on a guest to talk about relationship etiquette, which roughly translates to how you can show up in your relationships so you don’t keep ending up in bad ones, the skills required for a great relationship, and most of all, feeling confident in who you are choosing to spend your life with. And that’s exactly what Adele is here to talk about today. I talk to 20-Somethings every day.

And they all range from being perpetually single to bouncing from one rough relationship to another to rushing into getting married to actually finding their soulmate. And that’s a pretty wide range if I do say so myself, but that’s also what your twenties are full of. Everyone is at a very different point in their life. And that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong per se.

But what I do want to help you out with during today’s episode is the relationship and dating aspect of your life, especially if you feel like you are constantly hitting dead end relationships and are essentially finding the same person just in a different font over and over again. And how all of what I just said relates to the unspoken rules of relationships so you can end up in a healthy and thriving one. But before we dive in, I’m going to introduce my guest so you guys know why you need to stop what you’re doing.

and listen to this expert. Adele Curran is a relationship and communication coach who helps couples and individuals who are craving more authentic and fulfilling relationships. She shows people exactly how to get out of the patterns that are getting in their way of having the love they deserve. As a registered nurse with multiple certifications in coaching and hypnotherapy, Adele’s approach is holistic, structured, and grounded in the teaching and practice of real life, tangible skills.

She’s a self-proclaimed personal growth junkie and has been meditating daily for over 10 years, strength training for 30 years, and devouring self-help ever since Oprah came on TV in the 80s. When she isn’t personal growth-ing, you can find her with her friends eating steak frites, I think I said that right, around the corner from her house in Washington, DC, or planning her next Latin American travel adventure. Hi Adele, welcome to How to 20-Something.

Adele Currin (02:18.438)
Hi Jess, thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited to be with you.

Jess (02:23.49)
Yeah, I’m excited to have you here. And I want to start off right off the bat with your story and how it led to you coaching the people that you coach. So what made you so passionate about helping other people with the success of their relationship?

Adele Currin (02:39.718)
Yeah, and it seems that my cat’s wanting to join, so he’s here for the ride. So yeah, so what made me so passionate about coaching people around relationships specifically is my own struggles with relationships. So I got married, even at the time, seemed kind of young, and I think now it seems even younger. I was 25, and I really didn’t know what I was doing.

And, you know, I was married for, gosh, almost 20 years. And in some ways it was great. You know, we actually wound up getting divorced. And so even though I am at such a good place and I’m like, that was what needed to happen. It was also a huge struggle for me, you know, coming to that decision after so many years of being together and.

You know, I was already a health coach at the time when I went through this and I was like, you know what, as much as I love health and wellness, I really want to help people through something that I’ve been through myself and have come through on the other side. And now that I’ve come on the other side of it with so much more wisdom and skills and perspective, it was really important to me that I help people, other people through, you know, similar struggles.

Jess (04:02.382)
Okay, so in a nutshell, know I read your bio, which is amazing, but what would you say are some of the key things that you help your clients with when it comes to their relationships?

Adele Currin (04:13.5)
the key things that I help them with. gosh, mean, there’s like, there’s a lot that goes into that. I help, so at the end of the day, kind of like to bottom line it, I’m helping people have relationships that are more harmonious, more authentic, whether they end up, so the reason I’m putting this in there is a lot of my clients are actually already going through divorces or breakups.

So even if someone is ultimately going through a breakup or divorce, my goal is to have the people come out of that with an even better relationship than before. And I know that’s possible because I do that. So because I started actually with people, helping people break up and divorce, I thought, God, if I can help people, divorce people have a good relationship, I can help people who are staying together have a really great relationship. And so there are a lot of components that go into that.

And I really want to answer your question. I think I’m getting around to it. For me, the most important thing is that each person is standing on solid ground and is doing their own work. Because the way I look at it is like a relationship is created between two people or co-created. That’s like a coachy thing to say. We co-create.

And so I find like a lot of the work between couples is emphasizing like what’s going on between them, but you can’t do that until each person is really on solid ground. So I can tell you a little bit more about what I actually specifically do with them if you’d like.

Jess (05:56.514)
Yeah, so I know Adele and I know that you work with couples and you’ll work with them separately and then bring them together. So can you walk us through, I know that you brought up that they need to work on themselves independently and that’s why you do that. So I would love for you to walk us through some of your process, maybe some foundational principles that are put into your coaching practice to help your clients, whether they’re the ones trying to stay together or the ones trying to go their separate ways.

Adele Currin (06:25.798)
Yeah, I have, Jess, I know you’re familiar with this. I have a structured process with five steps. And so the first thing I work with everyone on, regardless of what they’re coming to me for, is on what you might call emotional regulation or emotional containment. And that’s because when people are in a struggle,

gosh, our relationships bring up like the most painful when our relationships aren’t going well. Like that’s some of the worst pain that we experience, you know? So when people come to me, they’re in a lot of emotional pain. So that’s where we begin. And I have really specific tools and strategies. teach people around how to work with their emotions. And I find that so important and it’s so missing because a lot of people will go to therapy or whatever and talk and talk and talk and talk, but

They still don’t know how to handle their big emotions. And if you’ve ever been in a fight with someone that you really care about, it’s all because our emotions are out of control usually. So I start there. it’s all like a skill of handling your emotions. I see it as a skill. It’s not something you’re born with. We have to learn that. So that’s the first thing I do.

And then the second thing I do is a lot of work around, and this is like a very broad term, but like, would call it like empowerment. And so in this, this part of my work is all about helping people really see what they have control over and what they don’t. And how to take action on the things they can control. so how this plays out in a relationship is like, I just had a call with a potential client this morning. And the gist of the call was I’m still trying to figure out like.

if she, if the woman he’s married to is going to be able to change in the ways he needs her to change so they can have a good relationship. And so often what happens in relationships is we’re like,

Adele Currin (08:37.394)
We’re putting so much emphasis on what the other person is doing and wanting them to do something different. And we forget what we can control, which is ourselves, you know? Pause me if I’m rambling. I’m going to try to like high level each point. And one of the ways we do that is by really taking a look at specifically the things that we, you you talked at the beginning about the patterns, or I think that was in my bio, the patterns we get into.

Jess (08:49.069)
No, you.

Adele Currin (09:04.754)
When we take a really close look at what our patterns are, and then we can see specifically what we’re doing that might be, I hate to use the word mistake, but like where we could use an upgrade. And it’s great when you realize what you’re contributing to a problem, because then you realize, this is an opportunity for me to grow. So that’s kind of my second step. And then the third step, I do really deep work with people on

on their unconscious beliefs. So much of the problem we have in our relationships is because of all this subconscious, unconscious, whatever you want to call it, stuff we all have going on. And it usually comes from childhood. I mean, if you’ve ever been to therapy, you know this. But I have a specific way of working through that with people, which is a form of hypnotherapy I do.

And so once we work on like this deep unconscious stuff that’s going on, then that makes humongous difference for how you relate to another person. I mean, I could talk about that topic alone for an hour, but I won’t right now. And then my fourth step is really, you know how coaching is like a really positive forward looking sort of process, right? So my fourth step, it’s really all about

really thinking about the kind of life and relationship you want to create and starting to take real steps to have that happen. And we do some fun stuff. Like that’s when you might like create like, I don’t know, a vision board or, you know, go into like visualizing, you know, your future. And then I do have a fifth step, but really the fifth step is just kind of like, like integrating everything and having a chance to practice. And as I’m going along, I’m really teaching bit by bit a lot about

communication and the kind of communication I’m teaching people is based on the work of nonviolent communication. It’s like a really specific style. And so, you know, we tend to think of communication as just the words we use, but it goes so much deeper than that. And really effective communication always starts with us and being attuned to what we’re feeling and what we’re needing and what we’re thinking. And so that goes back to the individual.

Adele Currin (11:23.888)
And so that’s why I always start with the individual because you can’t really communicate with someone else if you’re not aware of what’s going on for you and, you know, kind of have some sense of how to manage that. Okay, so I’ll pause that because I know I’ve been talking a long time.

Jess (11:43.261)
Okay, no, that was all great. I love the five steps. think all of that makes so much sense. Most people go into a relationship of what, how can this person complete me? Or what can this person do for me? Or how can this person change to fit my life? And they’re missing the part of them. What do they need to work on? What do they want? Like focusing on themselves and then…

allowing someone to enter into your life or continue to thrive within their respective lives, but together, like you grow together. It’s not a separate thing that you’re doing. Relationships require work and think movies like to glamorize it of it’s easy. You just fall in love. You just walk into a park and you get you trip and the love of your life catches you and you stare into each other’s eyes and it’s that’s it from there. It’s happily ever after.

It’s a bunch of bullshit. And it’s just not true. And it gives us this false sense of reality, especially being in our 20s, that we don’t really know what relationships take. I think a lot of my generation grew up or grew up with divorced parents. So it that alone gives us this different perception of what is a relationship? What is a happy marriage? Depending on how old you were when your parents got divorced. There’s so many other pieces that go into it that

Adele Currin (12:49.489)
and

Jess (13:02.53)
you do really need to work on yourself before you get into a relationship or before you want to improve the relationship that you’re in.

Adele Currin (13:05.446)
and

Adele Currin (13:10.664)
That’s a really good point. And I wonder about that. My parents were married until I was married myself and then they got divorced. There’s a lot of people in my generation grew up with divorced parents too, but I wonder about the impact of that. I wonder about it a lot. I my own kids grew up for part of their lives with divorced parents.

I’m sure it does give you a different perspective and I wonder if it gives you in some ways, maybe I was gonna say maybe a more nuanced idea of what relationships are all about. I don’t think it’s necessarily could be all negative because look, like the way I look at it is people can be married forever and be in a terrible relationship. And that’s not giving a kid a good foundation for a future relationship either.

And so, yeah, just, I don’t know if it’s something, I’m curious about it and obviously it’s different, but I don’t know if it’s necessarily one, you know, worse.

Jess (14:23.638)
Yeah, I can agree with that. Let’s say someone is listening right now who is struggling with whether or not the person that they’re with is their forever person. We all think we all get this form of self doubt of did I pick the right person or is there someone better out there for me? Are there questions they can ask themselves or even ask their partner to help them get a clear answer as to

Adele Currin (14:24.102)
Yeah. Yeah.

Jess (14:51.574)
if they’re with the right person for themselves.

Adele Currin (14:54.386)
Yeah, that’s such a good question. And gosh, I wish I had like, I saw somebody, I got an email from one of these like coach people I follow and there was some five questions you can ask yourself. And I wish I had something like that to just give you. So I’m just gonna go with like my off the cuff answer. So I think that, how do you know if someone’s right for you?

because it’s natural to have some doubts, Like, especially if you’re contemplating marriage, it’s like, it’s a huge commitment. And so it’s funny, I was thinking about this podcast and I was thinking, I would want to tell 20 somethings, just don’t settle, don’t settle. Like it’s a big world out there and there are possibilities. And yet,

It’s hard to know sometimes if you’re settling versus, okay, maybe I’m not settling. Maybe I’m just being realistic. Like no one’s going to be perfect, right? So I think there’s always going to be some doubt. And I think if like, I hate to say this, but this is one of the times where you really have to tune in to really what your gut’s telling you. So like,

If you know, for example, the only reason I’m getting married to this person is because the clock’s ticking. That’s a definite no in my book. So if you know that you’re not actually in love with the person, that’s a definite no. If you know there is some kind of situation that you really can’t live with,

there’s alcoholism, some kind of major addiction. Then again, that’s probably a definite no. So like, think the important thing is to really sit with, how do I feel about this person? Do I fundamentally trust this person? Now I’m coming up with some questions, right? Because if someone does have a major problem, like an addiction, that comes down to trust.

Adele Currin (17:22.184)
Do I trust and admire this person? Do I respect this person? Does this person inspire me to be better? Do I fundamentally like and love this person? Right? I think those are the really important questions. And I think that like deep down inside, if you’re really sit with it, we really know if we’re lying to ourselves or not. You know?

Is that helpful at all or was that a really murky answer? Okay.

Jess (17:52.963)
Yeah.

No, that was really helpful because you said a couple of different things that I want to touch on. And one of them was actually a conversation I was having with my therapist a couple of days ago. it was, needless to it was not a great conversation. But for me, it was the I’m not settling. don’t I have very specific, not very specific, but I have realistic standards that are true to my values and my core being like your relationships of fitness.

your relationship to what you’re eating, your relationship to what you do on the weekends, your relationship to how you spend your money. Like those things are so important to me and I hold to such a high standard that I will only be with someone that is of that equal, not as crazy as me. I can recognize I have some crazy tendencies, but there are certain things like they, don’t want to be dating someone who is eating out more than 50 % of their meals in a given week.

Adele Currin (18:45.222)
Hahaha.

Jess (18:53.976)
That’s a lot of eating out if you’re doing that. So it’s those things. And my therapist kept giving these hypotheticals, basically telling me that I should settle for a little less and that I’m being too high strung with it. And her example that she gave was, what if you meet this doctor and he’s so amazing and he hits all the right check boxes and like he checks all the right boxes. He is so good to you.

but he doesn’t have time to cook because he’s busy being a doctor. So he eats out for every meal. And my response to her was if he doesn’t have time to take care of himself, he doesn’t have time for a relationship. And she started to come up with other hypotheticals and I was like, what aren’t you getting? Like I am so, so, so set on not settling because I know that I deserve someone who’s as amazing as me. Yes, I’m going to toot my own horn with that.

Adele Currin (19:30.78)
Mmm.

Jess (19:48.458)
And it’s because I’ve built this life. I’ve put in a lot of the work in myself to be at where I’m at today that I don’t want someone holding me back and I’m like trying to like trudge them along like, no, let’s go this way. Cause it’s just not going to work. like having someone, I’m not trying to complete someone else. Just like I’m not trying to find someone else to come and complete me.

Adele Currin (20:10.748)
So, you know, so actually you made me think of like, you know, another thing to add to the list, which is like, first of all, I just kind of like, what I was hearing you say is like something that really matters to you is your health and wellbeing. That really matters to you. That’s a major value for you. And I’m the same way, Jess, like I’m the exact same way. I dated somebody who did not take care of himself and it became a major problem. I mean, we were together for like five years.

Jess (20:30.52)
Yeah.

Adele Currin (20:40.332)
And it became a really big problem in a lot of ways like because your your health impacts everything and So especially if you’re signing on for life and you’re the kind of person who’s taking care of yourself Yeah, you want someone who’s taking care of themselves. I feel the exact same way So maybe something to add to that list of questions is like and this is something I didn’t do in my 20s I didn’t even know to do it but like really sit with okay. What matters the most to me? What are the most?

Jess (20:47.556)
Mm-hmm.

Adele Currin (21:10.284)
You could call it your values or like what matters most, right? Like, so health and wellness is a big one for you. And like you said, maybe they don’t need to be at your level. Maybe, you know, I think, I think it would be extreme if, if you were to say, for example, okay, I’m only going to be with someone who works out seven days a week for two hours and is always going to come to the gym with me every single morning and never has a fast food in their whole life. You know what I mean?

That’s getting crazy. But if you were like, no, I want someone who prioritizes their wellbeing. Yeah. Add that to your list. Or for some people, like, you know, other things are, everyone’s different, right? But whatever’s the most important to you, I think it’s really important to pay attention to that and to realize that like, you’re not being too much. It’s not unrealistic or,

Jess (21:40.761)
Yeah.

Adele Currin (22:09.468)
what’s the word I’m looking for? Like, I don’t know, that you’re not being unrealistic to want what you want. Absolutely. I mean, in fact, you know, I realize, you know, we’re very different life stages and where I actually just had lunch with someone who’s quite a bit younger than I am and is looking for a partner. And I was like, where I am in my life, if it’s not just right, I’m not going there.

But I get, know, when you’re younger and you still want to create a family, so you want to have children, it’s so much more tempting to like do that.

Jess (22:46.498)
Mm-hmm.

Adele Currin (22:46.98)
So anyway, I’ll stop there.

Jess (22:50.968)
Well, I think it’s that, but also I know for me when I was in my younger 20s, the lower 20s, and I was in a relationship, knew health has always been important to me. That’s why it makes no sense that I became an interior designer. That’s besides the point. yeah, that’s my degree. health has always been the forefront of my mind.

Adele Currin (23:08.284)
You weren’t into your designer? I didn’t know that. Okay.

Jess (23:17.188)
to the point where it’s been an unhealthy obsession, and then I’ve been able to dial it back and I still teeter between being obsessed and not. But it’s also my livelihood now. When I was 21, and in my first ever long term relationship, as we were together for three years, I looking back, I know he did not have the same values as me. He did not care as much about his health and what he was putting into his body and how he was taking care of it. And I knew that. But

I was not in denial, but in a sense in denial that he’ll change or this is fine and this is my first relationship. It’s supposed to be like this. I can’t want him to change. It’s okay. It’s all okay. And I know that as people progress through their 20s and they get stuck in their timeline of I want to have kids and time is running out that

they become afraid to leave a relationship, especially as we’re having this conversation to anyone that’s listening, if they start to think, my god, my partner does not share my same values. no, what am I gonna do? like, what would you tell someone who is afraid to leave the relationship they’re in because maybe they are think they’re running out of time, or they don’t think they’ll be able to find anyone better or

They just don’t want to be alone. I’ve known a lot of people that are afraid to be alone. So what would you tell those people?

Adele Currin (24:42.344)
Yeah, it’s a tough one. I and I remember as crazy as it sounds, because I just told you I was 25 years old when I got married, as crazy as it sounds at that age, I remember having some of those thoughts, right? Like, okay, well, you need two years to get to know someone and then you gotta have to wait a couple of years for you have a kid. You you go through this whole timeline.

So, okay, what was the question? Somebody’s afraid to leave. So, I mean, just before I answer this, I want to make sure, like, I make it clear that just because you have different values from someone or different values that are things that are important to you doesn’t necessarily mean you need to end the relationship. It’s just paying attention to, how important that is to you. And really and truly, are you… If this person… You have to assume that the other person is never going to change.

Okay, that’s first. You have to assume that because the more you try to change someone, the worse things are going to get. Okay. So you have to assume going into it, this person is going to be this way and probably worse, right? Like most people, like, you know, even if people are taking care of their health, they may not in 10 years, right? So it’s like, if you, if it’s really important to you and you know, they’re not going to change, are you okay with it? Right? Like you, you may not be.

So in those cases, if you’re really not okay with something and you’re still contemplating staying with them because the clock’s ticking, because you’re afraid to be alone, and that like afraid to be alone thing is like one of those things I would work with people on when I do that deep part of the work I was talking about.

I would tell them, you know, look, I know like you have, you have all these fears and when you make a decision based on something you’re afraid of and you’re making a decision from that place, it’s, I don’t want to say it’s guaranteed. It’s not going to turn well, but it’s, it’s such a bad way to make a choice because in the back of your mind, you’re always going to know I made this decision because I was just afraid.

Adele Currin (26:53.256)
And so it’s like.

When you really sit with it and you ask yourself, am I making this decision out of a place of fear? Or am I making this decision because this really feels right to me and I am really excited to spend the rest of my life with this person? The outcomes are gonna be so different. And so that’s like, to me, like the bottom line, really.

Jess (27:25.988)
Yeah, I think I’ve told this story a while ago on an episode, but when I was in the position of do I want to stay in this relationship with my ex and what I did was I went on an unplugged walk is what I would call it. I’d leave my phone at home. I would just, it would just be me and my keys. And I lived on this beautiful lake in Orlando and I would go and I’d walk around the lake. took about, it was a two and a half mile walk.

and I’d go with no phone, nothing, just me, my thoughts and my keys. And I went on that walk with the, it’s basically a form of meditation. I went on that walk to get some clarity of what I wanted to do about my relationship. And I was about three fourths of the way around this lake. And I said out loud of, am done with this relationship. And I just felt this whoosh of relief.

Adele Currin (28:21.448)
Mm.

Jess (28:21.976)
flow through me and I was and then I was like, crap. Okay, so that’s real. Now I need to go tell him that it’s over. But it’s it’s that sense of peace that comes with that decision that you know, it’s the right decision. It’s not something that was made on a whim. I really thought about it. I know they say that girls take about three months to break up with someone that that was pretty much my timeline of it was end of July. I was very unhappy.

trying to make it work through August, trying to make it work through September, and then it was end of October that I went on this walk. And I was like, okay, that’s what it is. That’s the decision. And I never looked back.

Adele Currin (29:02.578)
That’s such a good point. remember, did you, are you an HCI person? Okay, this is the, for those of you don’t know, this is the health coaching program that Jess and I did. There was an exercise we did in person. So I’m assuming at some point you did the same one where you have some kind of conundrum and you see the different, right? There’s like a little box you step into. One is where,

Jess (29:09.582)
Mm-hmm.

Adele Currin (29:28.924)
You make one choice and another box is where you step into another choice, the opposite choice. And it’s like the sensation that you get in your body tells you so much. So I saw other people do this exercise. I did it myself. so when, okay, so let’s say that you’re contemplating staying in a relationship and you’re, when you like, you move towards mentally, right? The idea of staying or going, and it gives you this feeling of being boxed in or like,

you know, suffocating or repression. That’s usually how it feels when it’s the wrong choice. And when it’s the right choice, it usually feels the way you described, like a relief, like there’s like a weight’s been lifted. You’ve been, you know, there’s something that’s been taken off that was heavy. So I do think that’s a really good way of describing it. And then the tricky thing is that sometimes there’s still fear that goes along with the choice that’s the right.

because we’re always going to fear something that’s new and different. know, we’re going to fear letting someone down. Sometimes that’s a big fear. We’re going to fear being alone. Right. And so that can be coupled with that feeling of relief. Right. So that we can get a little hung up sometimes. And I think that’s where like a lot of times I have to help people through that. Yeah.

Jess (30:56.228)
Well, it’s as a coach, you’re helping them come to a decision and then it’s also our job to help them start taking action and taking the certain steps towards that decision.

Adele Currin (31:07.304)
Right, right. And so I’m thinking of someone I’ve been working with who’s a single woman, younger than I am, older than you are, but younger than I am. And she was really, well, she has been in a relationship that she wants to get out of basically. I say she’s single because she’s not married. And she’s very clear that the relationship isn’t good for her. And so as…

we’ve been working together and she’s getting closer and closer and closer to leaving and taking steps and looking for apartments and all this stuff. Then all this fear crept in. And she was like, my God, maybe I’m making the wrong choice. Maybe I should marry this person after all. And at least then I’d have the security and I can have kids and da da da. And like, and it seemed very real to her. She’s like, my God, maybe I’m doing the wrong thing. And it was my job as a coach to remind her it’s because you’re getting so close to doing this thing. Of course the fear is going to slip in, you know, like.

Our business coach always talks about our human brains. Like our human brains don’t like change. It’s scary. So yeah, that’s something I have to help people through.

Jess (32:14.434)
I think you froze. Okay, I think you froze for a sec. You did, you’re back. Okay, yeah, I know. I’ve talked about this on so many different episodes of how scary change is and just depends on what do you want? What is the future outcome? And Adelic, you mentioned that’s one of your steps is that visualizing and it’s connecting with that future version of you that is thriving and not forgetting that that is

Adele Currin (32:19.304)
I’m impressed.

Jess (32:43.286)
a real possible outcome for you to achieve, but you’re not going to know unless you start taking the necessary steps to get there. And that’s what we’re here for, to make sure that you don’t back out of the what you say you want.

Adele Currin (32:54.854)
Absolutely, right? That’s our job as the coach to like hold that vision when they freak, when they start freaking out and reminding them, okay, you actually are making progress. You’ve just forgotten. Like, let’s look at where you were a few months ago. totally. There was something you said before that I really wanted to go back to. it was something about trying to make it work. Do you mind if I, if I circle back to that for a minute?

Jess (33:01.653)
Hmm

Jess (33:08.93)
Yeah.

Jess (33:22.114)
Yeah, go for it.

Adele Currin (33:22.194)
you’re talking about when you’re contemplating the relationship and you’re saying something about you’ve been trying to make it work. at the very beginning, you’re talking about how relationships are work, right? And so, so often what I see is people saying something like, well, I know relationships are work and I’ve just got to work at it I’ve got to keep working at it. And I think we can get like trip ourselves up.

with that concept because on the one hand, yes, relationships are work and yes, we have to work on ourselves. And it doesn’t mean that…

Adele Currin (34:02.97)
It doesn’t mean we have to stay in a situation that’s making us miserable indefinitely with the idea that, it’s a lot of work, you know, because at some point what can happen is if you’re sure you’ve done your work and yet the relationship still isn’t working, sometimes it just means it’s time to move on. So being able to discern like when you’ve done enough, when it’s enough work already.

That can be, that’s a place that can be really difficult for people. And that’s one I have to help people with too.

Jess (34:41.848)
Yeah, and I think that goes back to your own patterns too. And like, are you falling into your own traps that you’re setting? So I want to shift gears a little bit because you also brought up earlier in our conversation about breaking patterns. How can someone work on breaking their pattern of ending up in these relationships that are not, I don’t want to say bad for them, but that are not good for them to continue to be in?

Adele Currin (34:47.432)
Thank you.

Adele Currin (34:55.708)
Mm-hmm.

Adele Currin (35:07.974)
Yeah. Well, like everything starts with awareness, you know? So sometimes people are really aware of what their patterns are and some people aren’t. So one thing I first help people look at is what is the pattern? And sometimes it can be really hard to see. It can be really obvious if, for example, okay, I don’t know, I’m always dating somebody who’s cheats on me or I’m always dating alcohol.

or whatever. That can be very easy to see, but sometimes it’s really subtle. So the first thing I do is really help people identify the pattern because sometimes the pattern is like less about who the other person is and more about the way I’m showing up in the relationship. So that’s the pattern that’s the really important one. So I help people identify that and there are all kinds of ways I have of doing that. And so, and a lot of people who come to me have already been in therapy or whatever and they’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

I I tend to attract people like this or I know I’m anxious or avoidant or whatever. So awareness is important, but that’s not enough. So then the question is how do you work on breaking the pattern? breaking the pattern looks like really seeing exactly what you’re doing or not doing that’s perpetuating the pattern. Okay, so for example,

One of my patterns was like, kind of over giving. going along with what, or people pleasing, right? So going along with what other people wanted at my own expense. And I knew I did it, but it wasn’t until I went through some really powerful coaching myself that I saw the specific thing I was doing, which was continuing to ignore what was really important to me going along.

what other people wanted and not speaking up for myself, right? So we identify these specific things and then we build skills around it. And what kind of skills we build, the skill of actually being able to understand what’s going on inside of us. And then working on that skill of being able to communicate about it effectively, being able to set a boundary around it, for example.

Adele Currin (37:28.218)
Another thing that’s really important in terms of breaking the pattern is doing the really deep work on these unconscious beliefs we have because the unconscious beliefs we have about ourselves are driving everything. So, and because it’s an unconscious belief, like it’s unconscious, you don’t know what it is. Like, so until you go through the right kind of work, you don’t even know that you’re walking around with a belief about yourself, like, well, I don’t really matter or…

I’m not good enough or I’m not worthy of love. But those beliefs are living in all of us and until we’ve really worked on them, we tend to do the same stuff over and over and over again.

Jess (38:07.94)
Yeah, I know one of my unconscious beliefs is the sense of unworthiness. And it’s not like I’m walking around in my day to day life, like I’m unworthy of a relationship. I’m unworthy of love. Like I don’t I, I outwardly believe I am worthy of those things. But that subconscious level is like to there’s something deep down that any energy worker I’ve spoken with, I know you and I had a call not too long ago, it comes up and it

Adele Currin (38:21.788)
You can’t just leave it.

Jess (38:37.5)
It baffles me every time. So like, I’m not actively thinking these things. It’s so underneath everything that I have to pull out of me and do that inner work so that I can be more accepting and more open to love and knowing that I believe fully deep down to my core that I am deserving of someone who’s amazing.

Adele Currin (38:59.004)
Yeah, this stuff goes so deep. It’s like you said, like, unconsciously, if I ask you, hey, do you think, you you actually said it yourself earlier, like, I know I’m deserving of having a relationship with someone who prioritizes their health, because I know I’m amazing. Yeah, you know that, consciously. And then unconsciously, there’s this other little thing that trips you up. And that’s true for all of us. And so…

Jess (39:17.252)
Mm-hmm.

Adele Currin (39:26.408)
Just because you know something logically doesn’t mean that there’s something going on, that there’s not something going on subconsciously. In fact, like I don’t know where they get these numbers from, but what I learned in my training in hypnotherapy is that 90 % of our thoughts and feelings and behaviors are being driven by our subconscious mind.

Jess (39:48.559)
yeah, I’ve heard that stop. So yeah, I believe.

Adele Currin (39:49.808)
Yeah, whatever it is, it’s huge. So until you take care of that, we keep getting held back.

Yeah, so it’s kind of like, mean, if you’re, started off as a health coach and so this is actually how I got interested in the subconscious mind because I’m sure you see this. People say, okay, I wanna, let’s say I wanna go to the gym three times a week. And then, you know, that sounds pretty simple. And we come up with a schedule and we do all this stuff. And then, you know, they’re like, yeah, but like I was about to go to the gym but then my husband asked me to stay home with him and I felt too guilty to leave. So no, I didn’t go to the gym again.

Okay, well that’s some unconscious stuff going on, right? Like why would you feel guilty about going to the So until we deal with that, the person’s never gonna get fit. And so it’s the same thing with your relationships, right?

Jess (40:42.21)
Yeah, I mean, you break down every category in your life from health to career to relationships to finances. They all come around the same things. I mean, we’ve I’ve said this quote so many times. I’ve had guests say this quote. How you do one thing is how you do everything. So it’s if you’re not happy in your relationships, chances are you’re not happy somewhere else in your life. I work out with a lot of twenty somethings in their career. If they’re not happy in their career, chances are.

They’re not really good at making friends outside of their career. Their relationship, if they’re in one, is not at its highest level of thriving that it could be at. It has a lot more conflict that comes up, but it’s because of their unhappiness. If they’re so upset at the work they’re doing and the time that they’re spending doing this work, they’re probably not taking care of themselves outside of it because they don’t have the energy to, because most of their energy is set in that work day where they’re feeling miserable.

It’s all related. It’s every, could focus in on one category of your life and then start to see how everything else is being affected as a result, which is not to scare you. It’s actually to make you feel a little better. You start working on that bigger area that is flashing red sirens. You’ll start to see the other areas begin to improve as well. They build on each other.

Adele Currin (41:59.1)
Yeah, yeah, that’s really good. Yeah, it’s not like, I mean, all of our lives tend to, I’ve heard someone describe it as like playing a game of whack-a-mole. It’s like, you think you’ve got like one problem solved and then another one pops up and you’re constantly like moving around. And the truth is they do all impact each other and they’re all interrelated, right? So it’s like…

Adele Currin (42:21.702)
And it’s not interrelated the way some people think. You did a really good job describing it. It’s not interrelated in just the sense of like, if I’m unhappy at work, then I’m going to be stressed out at home and I’m going to snap at my husband. Yeah, that’s true. And it goes so much deeper than that too, right? It’s like all that underlying, again, that subconscious stuff that’s driving, it’s driving everything. And so it’s kind of like, if you become a happier, healthier person generally, then all the areas of your life are going to

how it works.

Jess (42:54.5)
Yeah. I want to ask a question because I know I have this conversation with myself and with my friends and it’s about feeling like love is impossible to find. And it does. It feels really hard a lot of times, if not all the time. And I say that because recently in one of my F45 classes, there were two females talking to each other and I was just standing right by them. We were all kind of having conversation together.

and they were talking about being discouraged about their love life. The conversation came to be because one of them was turning 33 in a couple of days and she was like, I’m basically 35, which means I’m 40 and there’s no love in sight and I don’t ever see love coming my way. So, and I know I’m not alone. I know she’s not alone in having that thought. I know I’m not alone in having my thoughts. So what would you say to someone who says finding love?

Adele Currin (43:40.208)
god.

Jess (43:50.966)
is nearly impossible or feels impossible or feels hard.

Adele Currin (43:55.356)
Okay, I know that maybe this is like splitting hairs, but I just, feel like I have to say it. There’s a big difference between love and a perfectly aligned relationship. Okay, so love, mean, I don’t want to get too deep, but like love in itself is everywhere. And it’s like something that comes from within us. It’s not even something you go out and find, right?

Jess (44:02.382)
Go for it.

Jess (44:08.26)
Ooh.

Adele Currin (44:25.972)
I mean, and so if I think of love is just like, and there are all these different ways of defining it, right? Like an emotion, is it a state of being? Is it whatever? But the point is like, we can love a lot of people and we love them all differently. And even just in a romantic sense, right? Like there are some people I’ve loved and still love, but they’re not the right person for me forever.

Right? So there’s a big difference there. So, and I don’t even know why I felt like it was necessary to point that out, but I think like, I don’t know, it seemed important for some reason. So in terms of having like, if what you’re talking about when you say love is an aligned relationship, that’s gonna last. Cause I think that’s what you really mean is like, I get it. I get why that seems hard. And I think there are so many reasons for that, culturally.

Jess (45:15.81)
Yes.

Adele Currin (45:25.2)
In the old days, everybody just got married and they got married really young and they stayed married forever. And now people have more options and some people don’t want to get married at all. And some men just hook up till they’re 40, whatever. And then they decide, okay, now I’m going to settle down. Like, and even at my age, it’s, there is this, like, yeah, you look around and it’s like a little sad sometimes. What’s out there?

Jess (45:51.524)
Okay

Adele Currin (45:53.128)
Like trying to get like a like fit man and like his 50s like that’s not that’s a big challenge to trust me. so I get it and I have to remind myself all the time that like If we think something isn’t possible It’s never gonna happen so it’s so important in these moments like and it might sound Pollyanna sure whatever but I

Are you familiar with Abraham Hicks? The work of Abraham Hicks at all? Okay, so anyway, they talk a lot about the fact that like the best way to really have what you want is to really strongly want something and believe it’s possible. So this is one of these underlying beliefs that’s actually really common. If we believe something isn’t available to us, then in some way,

Jess (46:25.144)
No.

Adele Currin (46:49.756)
Like not to get all like woo woo in some way we end up manifesting that for ourselves. We end up finding fewer opportunities. Whereas if we believe, you know what, like, I, this is what I really want. And you get specific about it, right? Like I want the, all these, these qualities without getting too, you know, crazy, obviously. And then you believe like, I, I know that this is going to happen for me and you take action on it as in.

not just sitting around waiting for the perfect person to come along, but by working on yourself to create the qualities in yourself that you’re looking for. I just, I believe and I choose to believe maybe is the right way to say it, that you’ll end up attracting the right person for you.

Jess (47:43.128)
I like that you said that you choose to believe because it goes back to the act of love. It’s like you choose to love someone. You choose to be in a relationship. You choose to want to work on these things. And it goes back to your empower step of like, it’s what’s in your control and your control is your choice.

Adele Currin (47:44.955)
No.

Adele Currin (48:00.402)
Exactly, exactly. So yeah, some people might think, okay, well, I don’t believe that, right? And that’s fine, you don’t have to believe that, but I choose to believe it because, you frankly, I feel better when I believe that. And I think like, there is like inherent value in feeling better about something. I don’t know about you, like when I am not feeling good about where my work is headed.

when I’m telling myself negative stories, like, you’re never gonna get the number of clients you want, you’re never gonna make this amount of money you want. I’m down in the dumps and I’m not taking positive actions and I’m not getting the thing that I want. But when I shift the way I’m talking to myself and start feeling good about it, then things start happening. And I’ve noticed the exact same thing with relationships.

Jess (48:52.098)
Yeah, I’ll say that this year with my business, I’ve noticed I’ve felt a lot more calm and relaxed around it. And the clients come a lot more consistently and naturally. And my friend makes that point of like, you do that in business, you switch that to your dating life, it’ll come more calmly and naturally. it’s such a, it’s so, it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done.

of I’m like, but I just want a relationship kind of like how last year it was like, just want a client. Like, it’s the same mentality. It’s just humans are so funny in that way. I want to ask you one specific thing though, because you had this in, for those listening, I make my guests fill out an intake form. And you mentioned this in your intake form. And I’m actually really curious about it. So you said that it’s not just about choosing the right partner. Can you elaborate on what you mean by that?

Adele Currin (49:19.376)
You

Adele Currin (49:23.44)
I know.

Adele Currin (49:44.166)
Yeah, so.

I’m just, just as a little bit of background first, because I work with a lot of people who, well, everyone I work with is struggling with their relationship, but I also work with a lot of people going through divorces. And there seems to be this common belief that like, God, I just chose the wrong person or I should have seen this coming. If I had just like, we just weren’t the right match. And sometimes that’s true. Some, and, and I think what’s more true most of the time is that at the time people were a good match.

And later on, they become not such a good match anymore. So that’s one thing is that just because you’ve chosen the right person at that moment doesn’t mean they’re going to be the right person forever because people evolve and grow and change. But even more importantly to me, even if you’re like choose this amazing person and you’re an amazing person, obviously, because otherwise you wouldn’t have attracted each other. Shit happens in life.

really hardship happens in life. You you can’t get pregnant. You like, you know, your parents get old and sick and die. Somebody has a diagnosis, you lose jobs, whatever. Hard stuff happens and no matter how amazing the two of you are, if you don’t have the skills to work through things, even the very best person or people are gonna have

maybe insurmountable problems at some point. So when I talk about not just finding the right person, it’s not like, okay, can just, you know, movies end with a marriage. You can’t just get married and just like coast because you’ve got to like, and I don’t even like to use the word work because it sounds like so much work, but it’s like, have to like, you need to be investing in learning more and growing and building the skills you need. And so the way I bottom line,

Adele Currin (51:42.596)
is it’s less about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.

You know?

Jess (51:49.54)
like that. Just like drop the metaphorical mic on that one. Yeah, I think it’s a great way to wrap up this episode. So I like to ask my guess is, what is one final piece of advice that you want to share with the 20 somethings listening? So I guess like what is something you wish you knew when you were in your 20s in regards to relationships? I know you already mentioned not settling, but is there anything else?

Adele Currin (51:52.744)
I should have maybe started with that one.

Adele Currin (52:14.286)
Yeah, so I think, well, that very last thing I said, think is like, I’m glad you highlighted that.

Take the focus off the other person and what they’re doing and put a, not, and I’m not saying don’t pay attention to that at all, but.

As opposed to focusing so much on finding the right person and what they’re doing, put so much more focus on yourself and becoming the kind of person that you really want to attract. That’s, think, the key.

Jess (52:50.926)
Just gonna repeat it. Become the person you want to attract. I know I’m repeating that for a listener out there. I also know I’m repeating that for myself. So I love that. Thank you Adele so much for coming on How to 20 something. This was a great conversation, very insightful. Where can people find you if they wanna get in touch with you or follow you or even work with you?

Adele Currin (53:12.456)
so you can get in touch with me through, I’m not like all over social media. I just kind of do Instagram. So, it’s just my name. It’s at Adele Curran. It’s A E L E C U R R I N. I’m on Facebook with the same name. My name’s everywhere. My website is, is just my name too. Adelecurran.com. And there’s, you know, some links there where you can book a call. those are the best ways of getting in touch with me. Pretty straightforward.

Jess (53:41.602)
right and that will be linked in the show notes for you guys to easily access. Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to 20 something if you liked what you heard if you learned something new or know someone who needs to hear this episode if there’s maybe they’re stuck in a wrong relationship for them, then please pass it along. Share it on social media and tag me tag Adele when you do and as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode.