Jess Diamond (00:01.18)
All right. Welcome back to another episode of How to 20 something where today I’ve brought on a relationship coach and therapist to help you step into this next part of your relationship with your partner that is moving in together. And I want to preface this episode with saying, no, mom, no, Jenna, I am not at that point in my relationship yet. But I do believe this is an important topic of conversation to have.

because a lot of people in their 20s move in with the person they are dating for the first time in their life. And there are a lot of conversations that need to be had, perspectives that need to be shifted, and understandings that need to be developed before the move-in process begins, and even some trials and tribulations that come up when you’re already living together. I’ve personally have never lived with a partner. I’ve never even lived with a man before.

I’ve had girl roommates, I grew up in an all-girl household, and I’ve been living alone for the last three and a half years. So I know when the time comes to move in with my partner, it’s going to be a massive change for me. And you might be in a similar boat, which is why I want to have this conversation with Mylyra and hopefully help you avoid common pitfalls I see happen to many people in their 20s who go to move in with the person they are in a relationship with. So without further ado,

I’m going to introduce her to the show. Melyra Green is a licensed psychotherapist, certified complex trauma professional, and transformative relationship coach with over a decade of experience helping individuals and couples navigate love, healing, and intentional decision making. With expertise in couples counseling, sex therapy principles, and relationship interventions, she supports partners in building healthy foundations rooted in clarity, communication, and emotional safety.

Malyra also served as the Resident Relationship Coach on the Michael Collier Morning Show, offering practical advice to audiences nationwide. She is passionate about helping couples explore the emotional and mental impacts of living together before marriage through a trauma-informed holistic lens. Hi, Malyra, and welcome to How to 20-Something.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (02:10.542)
Hello, hello, how are you?

Jess Diamond (02:13.308)
I’m good. I’m excited to dive right into this topic of conversation and just ask you right off the cuff. What are some crucial conversations to have or questions to ask prior to beginning the move in process?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (02:29.528)
So one of the greatest things that I tell people is one, you have to have a conversation with yourself about your own value system. There are many of us that are raised in different religion backgrounds, cultural backgrounds that honestly say that moving in together is a no-no. However, I am a big advocate, especially being a Christian therapist and someone who does follow a faith that typically looks at moving in together as a no, unless you’re married.

I always try to tell people you have to know what is your situation and being able to walk in your own convictions. So you have to sit down with you and see your why. Why are we even discussing moving in together? Is it for convenience or is it because we’re taking the next step to the next step in our relationship? There are two different conversations. I know now for most households you need.

I’ll say four sources of income typically in order to maintain. So if it’s more for convenience, then now we need to kind of have that conversation. Is this the best move or can I shift some things in my lifestyle to make this a little bit better? Second question is if I’m taking the next step in my relationship, then does this look like a roommate situation where you have your own space, I have my own space, or is this less kind of trial running forever really going to work?

where we actually are staying in the same space, sharing the same bed, doing the same movements, all of those things. So it really has to be a self-reflection because nothing’s going to work if you’re working and walking in a conviction that doesn’t make you feel joy every day. So that’s the first real step. But then the second step is having a conversation with your partner and both of you guys really listening to the wise.

and seeing if you can come together and create, I won’t even say a compromise, but create a plan of action that works best for you too. Not anyone else, but you too.

Jess Diamond (04:36.144)
He froze a little bit. Okay, I think we’re good. back. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you just brought up so many things that I definitely want to talk about. I want to let’s start with the

Mylira, Relationship Expert (04:38.262)
Okay.

Jess Diamond (04:47.312)
convenience because I think when I have talked to a lot of people, it’s think older 20 somethings have a little bit more of that self awareness of I don’t want to move in out of convenience. Like yes, cheaper rent is nice. Yes, I were spending so much time in each other’s place already. And so it just makes sense. And that’s kind of where they go. Like it just makes sense to do this rather than feeling into is this the next step in our relationship? My younger 20 somethings think of it more in the

convenience aspect of right timing. Well, yeah, but like both our leases are up or we found an apartment and that that works for our budget. so again, it goes back to that it makes sense. Where how can couples differentiate the two of like moving in together at a convenience versus it actually being that right next step? And then how do they determine the difference? Because I do think a large part not a large part, but at the same time, a large part of

it being the right next step is that convenience factor.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (05:49.676)
Yeah, and I will say this. So this is the question that I tell my clients to ask themselves. And this is going to be kind of a serious question. But if you were to die today and your funeral is tomorrow, how would you want your person to be listed as your spouse, your special friend, or not listed at all?

When you ask yourself that question, that will let you know even if convenience is the next step, but that will let you know if this convenience is for temporary purposes or is this convenience for something permanent for me to actually shift into. So when we’re looking at convenience versus next step, anytime you’re talking about moving in with each other, there is a financial conversation that’s there. And as we just said,

we need multiple incomes to really maintain a very kind of like simple way of living. I won’t even say exceeded way of living, but just regularly paying bills, having gas in your car, being able to entertain. So convenience is a huge part of that decision making. But what will determine the type of move this is, whether this is a roommate move where we’re really just doing it for convenience or is this is next step move is again, how do I define who you are?

And we have to be okay with being honest with that situation because all of our journey is not going to look like you go to school, you find the love of your life, you get married, you have a child, and now life is great. For some people, they do the stages in a different way, but you have to, again, know what’s going to be something that makes you have peace when you lay down at night. So if the convenience aspect is there, that’s normal, that’s natural.

We have basic needs that we need to have met. Food, water, shelter, sex is under there, but I’m not here as the sex therapist today. But then there’s an other space where it is, is this truly my person? Can I see myself doing forever? Am I spending time with this person or am I building a life with this person? If I’m spending time with you, that comes with sacrifices. And sometimes I look and I regret the decisions that I make. I may look and be like, why did I even do that?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (08:07.958)
Or am I building my life with a person where you’re bringing your strengths and I’m bringing my strengths and from us actually doing that, we’re building something that is long standing and lasting. Even if that doesn’t lead to an actual marriage, but whatever we learn in this space, this is a teaching space and we’re both okay with whatever lesson that we’re learning. That’s how you make that decision. Am I okay at the end of this, whether this works or not?

with saying that I spent a certain amount of time with this person. And then the last piece of this is if you have more questions than answers already, the answer is not to move in with each other. If I’m already wondering if this person is right for me, if I’m already wondering why we always arguing, we never get along, my family don’t like their family, our friends don’t get along, if I have more questions than I do answers.

the right answer is not moving in with each other at all. So those are like the three different elements that I typically tell people when considering moving in with each other.

Jess Diamond (09:09.082)
Yeah, and I think a lot of times people get caught up on timelines of, well, we’ve been together for X amount of time, so we should be moving in together next. And it’s like, it really comes down to the individual relationship. Like, is that what’s next for you? And I like the points that you’re bringing up of, do I see this, like, will I be okay with whatever the result is? Like, we move it together and we end up getting married and we spend the rest of our lives together, we move in together and we realize this isn’t working and go our separate ways. And it’s knowing

just your relationship and it’s really something you can only answer for yourself with your partner. We’re just here to help you with some other thought processes to come into play so that if it is the next step for you, if it is truly that next important step in your relationship that you are making together, there’s a lot of other things to think about. So you brought up finances and I want you to

dive a little bit into that. What is your suggestion? I’ve had this conversation with my boyfriend about finances for when that time comes of moving in together. But I want to hear from you and then I’ll give my perspective. what is what’s a good rule of thumb for dividing up finances, knowing that everyone’s financial situation is going to be different.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (10:25.986)
Yeah, it’s so important to be okay with what you bring to the table. And I say that because even in my personal relationship with my fiance, I make a little bit more because I do have an actual standard career. I’m a psychotherapist, I’m a coach. I go to a nine to five that has a set, you know, whatever with the government. So I bring in a little bit more. When we first met, he was rebuilding and now he now has a government job.

And what we end up doing is having conversations and check-ins probably about every two to three months where we’re really looking at the question of, hey, what do we need to shift? So when we budget, we budget based off of what we’re actually bringing in. It’s not a 50-50 rule. It’s not a, well, you’re the man, you do 100%. I do absolutely nothing. It is literally what is mine is yours.

However, I’m navigating what’s mine in a way that’s intentional so it doesn’t impact what we have going on together. So we have a budget where, hey, I know I’m bringing a little bit more. So this is what I’m setting aside for the bills. These are the bills that I know that I can take care of. I remember when we first decided to actually move in with each other, we had this whole budget. It did not work because he ended up with nothing. I ended up with too much. Like it was just a lot. So going back and readjusting.

financially is super duper important and being realistic. Don’t hold on to cultural standards because that’s really why marriages are failing today. We have so many roles that we want to play, so many cultural standards, really religious, what I would say rituals that we follow. But if we go to the reality of this is your job, this is my job, this is how much I bring in every two weeks, this is how much you bring in every two weeks.

what bills make sense for who pocket of money. If we go out to eat, we’re both sharing the bill. And I know there are certain people that are very traditional. So my way of thinking may be a little bit different, but I’ve realized that’s a lot more helpful if we do it where it all kind of comes together and I can tell you what I can and cannot do.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (12:40.29)
compared to all the other stuff and then now somebody is feeling like I don’t ever have anything. So really having that conversation of what is your relationship with your finances? Are you a spender or are you a saver? That is a real conversation to have. If you’re a spender and we’re bringing our money together, you now have to know as long as you take care of what you agreed to take care of, I’m not gonna ask no questions on what you’re spending.

or vice versa. If you’re the saver, okay, I’m a saver, but I can’t be upset if they’re out here spending, you know? So those are the levels of conversation to have. And then also asking yourself, what other resources do we have out there? You know, for some people, again, their religious belief may say, you’re not supposed to move in with each other. So you may want to exhaust other resources. Should I get a roommate? Do I move in with family? If those aren’t options, which sometimes they’re not,

Then we have to come to the reality of, okay, well, this is the situation we’re facing. How can we come together and bring our finances together where we’re both set up for success at the end and then continue to go back and tap back into that budget or whatever you guys have decided to do.

Jess Diamond (13:51.194)
Yeah, I agree. My boyfriend and I have talked about how we would split finances and it would be equitably instead of equally because he does make more than me and I’m self-employed. So what I bring in on a month-to-month basis varies. It could vary drastically from one month to another. And I explained to him that it would be the average of what I project I’ll make. And even if I don’t make that amount,

I’ll still be responsible for my share of the bills. And it was also like, what bills do we split? Like what bills are important for me? The bills that are important to split is rent and groceries. think those are like the two biggest ones that I think should be split. And then when it comes to like utilities and wifi, I don’t care as much. They’re not as heavy. I think that could be more 50-50 instead of taking our yearly finances, dividing into the months and going that way.

But again, that’s what we feel would work for us. And it’s also knowing that as I become more successful in my business, that those numbers will change. And it is important to have those check-ins that just because you set finances upfront does not mean it’s not going to change down the line. You can’t project any job loss that might happen or a job change, a promotion, a demotion. You don’t know. You have no idea. So it is important to have those regular check-ins. Do you have a?

a recommendation of how often is it yearly? it quarterly, bi-annually?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (15:20.686)
I would say anytime there’s a change is important to have a conversation. So if that change happens every day, then we need to talk every day. If that change happens quarterly, we need to talk quarterly. But anytime there is a change in your relationship, whether it’s financially, mindset wise, sometimes you may read something or hear something on a podcast and be like, oh, I’m going to implement that. You need to talk to your partner because your partner is used to today, the you before you had that knowledge. So I’m really big on

If there is a change, have a conversation. I know with me and my significant other, we utilize the Apple Notes where you can collaborate with one another. So like the notebook, notepad, a lot of our stuff is up there. So if something changed and I know I need to talk to you about it, I may change it on there first and then shoot a quick text message. Hey, we need to talk about something later because financially I made more, I made less, something shifted.

something’s coming up, I paid this debt off that we were talking about, so what’s the next thing? That for me is a really great rule of thumb. If there has been a change, sit down and talk about it. Also, when you’re thinking about budgets, there is one free thing that somebody can use, it’s called Every Dollar App. And up there, you can do the paid version, which connects to your bank account, but if you don’t have that, you literally just create a monthly budget, and you can put how much your significant other may be contributing.

Every time you go out, can subtract it from that. like finding different tools as well that both of you all are comfortable with. So when you come to the table with a conversation, I’m coming to the table with numbers. For women, we’re more emotional. For men, they need numbers. So we’re coming with numbers, then they can see why we’re suggesting that change. And it doesn’t just come from, well, today I was thinking about you and I thought that you should be paying more about it. No, let me show you the numbers to show you why we’re making.

this change, but change is when the conversation should happen.

Jess Diamond (17:15.516)
Yeah, and they say that marriage is a business deal, but I would even say moving in together is a business deal. Like you are stepping into a partnership with someone where your finances do have to be a lot more transparent. And it is not a totally comfortable conversation to have. I mean, I have a whiteboard in my room where it’s, have quarterly financial goals and I’m shading it in as I make money. So.

anytime my boyfriend walks into my room, he sees it, he knows exactly what I make. And I was like, it’s not something I’m hiding. But it was like knowing his finances and just having those conversations is something that I was like, it’s not that important to me yet. I know it’s something that will need to be more important down the line, like spending habits and how much he brings in and any bonuses that come in, because he knows pretty much what I’m doing, like my spending habits, I spend on necessities. And every now and then it’ll be a little

extra something, but for the most part, I’m very responsible. And he fluctuates with responsibility. And he’s admitted that he wants to dial it back in. But he also has the luxury, he has a little bit more money to play around with to have higher spending habits or bigger spending habits. But it is it is important to know who is in charge of what, and how much they are in charge of and then

kind of releasing the what else they have, like their own money, because providing you’re not married yet. think once you’re married, that becomes an even bigger conversation of what’s mine is yours. And however, your marriage wants to dive into that. But just for a moving in together perspective, it is a topic of conversation that needs to be had. You need to know who is contributing what and if it’s okay with both of you. And then I love your contribution of checking in any time a change is being made.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (19:04.299)
Yeah, and it’s so important because, you know, relationships in general, let’s not even talk marriage. Let’s just say we’re talking to that 20 something year old couple that are trying to figure out what’s next. Unexpressed expectations is what kills a relationship. When I have these expectations in my head. So let’s just say you have one person that makes significantly more than the other.

You need to express if you think that because they make significantly more, they should be helping you like that. That is a very serious conversation. Hey, I’m coming in with this debt. I’m doing the best that I can because everybody’s situation is different. Like I said, with me and my fiance, we are now more on a playing field. But when we first met each other, I had a career for over a decade. He was a veteran from the military. So he’s basically starting all over. So I can’t I didn’t have an expectation.

where you better come in and we have to meet, we have to match. You pay for every meal that we go out to. You pay for all the bills that come. That was never my expectation. And then as well, we’re blending family. So I’m in my thirties. I’m not in my twenties. So I’ve kind of already lived the twenty something life of trying to build. So I’m coming in with children. He’s coming in with children. I’m coming in having to sell my house and different things. I could not come in expecting him off the jump.

to act like my husband, even though I know that’s who he is. So that expectation, we have to be mindful of that. And we need to know, is that coming from things that we learned growing up or is this truly my true value? For some of us, for women, we’re told he’s supposed to take care of everything, depending on what household you come from. But I had to navigate and say, that’s not how it looks.

I want for both of us to have stability. I want for both of us to be able to go and get our needs and I want some things like that. So that’s where that conversation comes in at. So you have to express those expectations so then y’all can come together and create a shared expectation of the relationship so they can hold it together as glue. So that’s also important too. Express your expectation. If you’re coming in and you’re non-negotiable is we don’t do 50-50, we do 100 and I do zero.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (21:23.022)
It’s okay, queen, tell him that. If you’re coming in as the male and you’re like, hey, I need 50-50, I’m now, especially if you’re in your 20s, I’m building. I haven’t made it to my career yet. So I might still be working a part-time job. So this is what I can contribute. Can you contribute with me to make this work? You have to express those things before you even talk about moving in or it will crash because one person’s gonna feel like I’m pulling weight that you’re not pulling.

So that un-expressed expectation is also important for people to discuss as well as they’re making this decision.

Jess Diamond (21:55.364)
Yeah, I think there’s a lot of lot of conversations to have before making this decision. So like we’ve covered finances. What is it? What is something else? Like what’s a what are some problems or commonalities? Not even necessarily problems, but commonalities that couples may overlook when it comes to making this decision. So I’m trying to think of topics like how they handle arguments or what happens if someone’s sick or

Like, are you expected to spend all your time together like intentional date nights? Like where, what are some other things maybe outside of finances that it’s important for couples to establish and communicate with one another to set those expectations upfront and be on the same page prior to this next step.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (22:43.126)
of that that you just said. But the things that come to mind starting out is you need to know what your love language is. starting out there hands down is going to be very important. If you don’t know what your love language is, you can Google love language quiz and take that love language quiz. For me, all of them are my love language because I’m coming from a background of trauma. So there’s a lot of stuff that I did not get.

that I desire from my significant other. So what me and my fiance did was we took the quiz and then we have a shared form where we broke down if you were to show me that you love me, what would that look like utilizing any of these? Because both you and I have different major love languages. But if you learn how to love me your way, but in a way that I can actually recognize it, then that makes it a little bit better. So we really started with that.

What is your love languages and how can I show it? What does it look like for you? Because it might not look the same as an example that’s online. Your love language may look different. So yeah, you like gift giving or gift receiving. What does that look like? Okay, well for me, it’s not going to buy me a Prada bag. I don’t want you spending 200 plus dollars on me. For me, it looked like going to get me a car and some Reese cups. That’s a total of $5. That makes me happy.

having that conversation of what is my love language? Because a lot of the times you can be showing up and showing your significant other, I love you, but because it’s not in their language, they feel like that you don’t love them. The analogy I love to give is if my main language is English and you’re coming in and speaking Spanish and I don’t know no lick of Spanish, you’re telling me you love me, but I don’t hear a lick of what you’re saying. That’s really gonna be important.

A second piece of this that you said is the intentionality. Like what does dating look like? Once we move in, and this is something that my fiance and I experienced that we didn’t really realize, which I’m glad I’m able to share it here, is you go from the excitement of I get to see you when I schedule you in to I’m seeing you every single day, whether I’m sharing a room or not. I get to see you every day, we get to eat together.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (25:00.274)
anytime I go outside, I’m considering you, you want to go with me. There is not a lot of just me time. So then what happens is you move in with that person and then now they’re taking time to themselves and you’re like, well, what about me? What happened? What, what happened to me? You have to begin to set those intentions. So there is a rule. like to encourage people to start living by it’s called the two by two by two rule. Every two weeks, we at least should have one date night at least one date night, no matter how busy we are.

By the time the internet two weeks come, if I haven’t spent date night with you and that means uninterrupted time, just me and you, nobody else, we need to go ahead and put that on the calendar. Every two months, there’s like a weekend where it’s just me and you, whether it’s a weekend getaway or a weekend where you stay on home vacation, but that whole entire weekend is uninterrupted me and you. And then every two years is a vacation of some sort from about five to seven days.

If you follow that, no matter how busy life gets, I will never not have time for my person. I will never not have time for you because it’s intentional. Another conversation to have is sex. We live in a society where people don’t want to talk sex, but everything’s sexualized, right? And then you bring into religion as well. You need to understand where does your religion play in your decision making.

Because if let’s say I say that sex before marriage is a no-go for me, I need to have that conversation because now we’re going from I have my own space and you get to go home and I get the, you know, kumbaya, get myself together to know you’re in this space. Do I see you naked? Do you, do you need to be clothed? What are the rules and boundaries that we’re going to establish?

Are we deciding that that’s our lifestyle or not? And it goes back to convictions. If I go to bed with peace, that helps me make my decision. And then of course, just how involved family is. Are you an introvert? Extrovert. know, there are some times where when I’m dating, I don’t know if my person likes to go out and know people. For me and my fiance, we’re both extroverts. We both know so many people that we had to establish, hey, if we’re out and about,

Mylira, Relationship Expert (27:16.0)
and we’re at a space where there’s a bunch of people that we know, it’s okay to go say, hey, but I’m out with you, we need to come back. We’re not gonna be leaving for 15, 20 minutes. Like those are the different conversations that need to be had. And then there’s another level. For some people who are 20 something, you have children. You have to decide what role you want that person to play in your child’s life. Do they even know your children? Are they involved in that? If you move in, are they moving in? Where is children involved? If so,

What is your expectation? Do they help with drop off pickup, homework, or do they have the excuse of they’re not my kids so I can go chill and do whatever I want to do? Those are the most important conversations we need to have, but we don’t have until a problem arise, then we want to have a conversation.

Jess Diamond (28:01.722)
Yeah, I like the two to two role. I’ve heard that before. But I think it comes more to that of intentionality is important. Day nights are important. But breaking it down, taking a step back, you are now seeing each other in every light possible. And it’s not going to be the most attractive lights all the time. So how do you how do you deal with that with like the

Mylira, Relationship Expert (28:04.397)
Yes.

Jess Diamond (28:26.68)
the unpleasant side of a partner that you’re starting to see that is they’re in their natural habitat. And even if you’re spending all this time together before you’re living together, there’s still some level of care that they’re putting into their appearance, their behavior, their mannerisms, what they’re doing. But when when there is no none of that separation anymore, you’re seeing all sides and it’s not it’s not always pleasant. So I want to hear your your thoughts on that.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (28:54.466)
you need to know what your non-negotiables are. So for example, if one thing they love to talk about, if your pet peeve is your man leaving the toilet up, but he always leave the toilet up, the question you got to ask yourself is I’m really going to get upset or angry at this person or am I going to extend grace? Right? There are certain things that I may not like that I’m going to extend grace because I’m reminded of all the other things that they do for me.

that makes me happy. So it’s really picking your fight, like picking what is really going to compromise this relationship. That is one thing I always tell people. Yes, it is great to communicate, but ask yourself, is this worth even communicating? If it is a pet peeve of yours, then you share that in a conversation. But if you learn that this is just their habit, you got to realize sometimes a lot of us are still learning.

You know, we all don’t have the same upbringing. So the way that your mom taught you how to clean the bathroom is not the same way that your significant other mom taught them how to clean the bathroom or finances or religious rituals and stuff like that. Your upbringing is different. So in a relationship, it’s sometimes in the beginning taking time to observe who they really are. And if everything’s a red flag for you, you don’t need to be in a relationship.

I tell people that all the time. If the way they brush their teeth, the way that they chew, the way that they dress, if everything’s just irritating to you already, please don’t take that step because it’s not going to get any better because you’re spending more time with them because now they get to be vulnerable. You get to see them without their makeup. You get to see them when their bald head actually got hair on it and it’s a cul-de-sac. You get to see all those things. So the reality of it is learning what is worth fighting about. Two.

Share your life story, depending on the why you moved in. Let me give that caveat. If you just moved in for convenience and y’all still kind of learning each other, then it might not be worth you sharing your whole entire life story. But if you’re moving in because it’s the next step, you got a ring on your finger, you got a date booked, you need to tell that person who they’re marrying, who they’re in a relationship with, because there are certain things that you may penalize them for.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (31:14.392)
that is not even them, but something that you experienced. So I know for me, I tell my fiance, hey, this was a trigger for me. Can you give me a moment? It don’t have nothing to do with you, but let me take a moment real quick and process. And then when I’m done processing, now I can tell you, well, this is why I responded X, Y, Z way. And now he’s like, okay, well, I won’t do that again. I get it. I didn’t mean to do that. So it’s also knowing what are we even in this relationship for?

or why are we moving in for? Because if it is for next steps, serious conversations need to happen so then that person know why you respond the way that you do. If it’s just convenience, you might not have that conversation up front, but you also need to let them know what’s your pet peeves? What is, again, go back to my expectations. Do I expect us to share the cleaning or do I have roles in my head where the women cooks clean and do everything else?

I need to start sharing that information because that’s also important when you’re moving in with each other so that you know how to navigate and you won’t have so many conflicts.

Jess Diamond (32:16.666)
Yeah, I mean, it’s all really comes down to communication. That’s like, is it time to move in together? You need to communicate on a lot of different levels. I want to shift into a trend that has been popping up more and more recently. And that is couples who move in together, but they have separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms. they’re roommates, but they’re a couple that lives together. What are your thoughts on that?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (32:45.358)
I think it’s positive actually. Again, and it goes back to your value system. If your value system says, hey, I know that I’m supposed to have my own space and to I actually say I do, but Bills is saying I need a partner. Then you may do the roommate piece where yes, we’re helping each other financially, but we still have our own space, right?

But you also, again, goes back to communicating expectations. I may have my own room, but do I expect you to come and sleep over with me, X, Y, Z amount of times? Is this you get to come and go as you please, or are we checking in like we’re really in a relationship where when you do something, you check in with me, I check in with you. It goes back down to you discussing what you want that foundation to be. I do believe that it’s a positive thing, especially if there’s some.

decisions that you believe should be held until you’re married, then it decreases some of the

It decreases some of the things that may get you to make a decision that will make you feel bad, right? So now I have my separate space. I have my separate bathroom. We still can move just like we did before. You know, we schedule time to spend time together. So it goes back down, like you said, that communication. What do we want this to look like? Are we just going to be roommates where we’re just paying bills and we have our separate lifestyle? Or are we paying bills, having our own rooms just so that we can have our own space?

but we’re still moving as if we’re moving together as a unit. That’s a decision that that couple has to make together.

Jess Diamond (34:24.122)
Yeah, my best friend and I have, we talked about this pretty recently actually, where you’re like, ideally we would want like a three bedroom house with our boyfriends. And it would be, we have our bedroom and then we, each of us have our own spaces. So like he is his man cave, I like my girly space and like that’s my, not even necessarily an office, but just a place that is mine. Whereas like I have a place to…

kind of like go back to to hide in if I if I just need to collect myself or be with my own thoughts or live my life independently for a little bit how important it is. I mean, my boyfriend I have we’ve talked about like no matter what we would never have a one bedroom apartment that you would automatically be a two bedroom and I go in with that mentality of like yeah, he works from home. So writing I’m moving in with him like he would have that second bedroom as his office and I’d be fine just on the couch but

Mylira, Relationship Expert (35:16.462)
Right.

Jess Diamond (35:19.132)
Ideally, it would be three bedrooms. We each have our own rooms that we can go to, but come together at the end of the day. But that’s our relationship. I think if you’re with someone who is on an opposite schedule as you, you if you’re a night shift nurse, or you have a third shift, or I mean, I sometimes wake up, I have to wake up at 450 twice a week for personal training clients. And just knowing that

If sleep is a big factor for you, like sleep is really big factor for me. And if you’re on different schedules, sometimes it is more beneficial to sleep apart. And it doesn’t mean that you guys don’t love each other. It doesn’t mean that you’re gonna break up. It doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t working. It’s finding the solution that’s gonna work for you. And if you really wanna move in together, but you know that you have.

Either different schedules, maybe it’s the other person snores a lot and you just can’t sleep next to them, but you still love them and you love every part of them and you want them in your life. It’s, it makes sense to sleep separately, to have those separate spaces. I know for older generations looking down, they’re just like, that’s weird. Like, why, why are you doing that? You know, you should share a room. You should be together. That’s why you’re together. So it’s just interesting. Yeah. It’s interesting to see the shift. It’s interesting to see the shift happen.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (36:28.972)
Yeah, that’s kind of funny because I, yeah, my, so my children’s, sorry. Yeah, and it’s weird because there’s a lot of stuff that the older generation didn’t really share where, you know, it might have looked like they slept together every night, but sometimes they didn’t. I know my children’s father, his Nana and grandpa, Nana still sleeps on the couch and grandpa had a room in the back.

When the first time I heard that, was like, that is so strange and weird because I can never see myself not, you know, sleeping next to my significant other. But that goes back down to do what works for you. You know, for some people having separate spaces wouldn’t work for them. For other people having a space together wouldn’t work. But you just have to do what works best for you and not look for the validation from what the world says. We have so many relationship podcasts and all of that.

I am not here as a relationship expert to tell you you have to do it this way. I am literally just here to say have that conversation with your person so y’all can determine what your relationship looks like and what’s gonna work best for both of you because it’s the sustainability is gonna be based off of the work that y’all two put in. Nobody else. It’s gonna be what decisions that you guys make together and separately. So those things are very important.

Jess Diamond (37:48.228)
Yeah, so it’s you’re listening and you want to seek external, maybe support validation or answers, it comes back to you. You’re not going to get the answers from someone else or someone else’s relationship or what someone’s doing or not doing. I think another pitfall that I see a lot happen is taking a next step in a relationship to try to save.

the relationship of like, oh, no, it’ll be better when we move in together. Oh, no, no, it’ll it’ll get better once we’re engaged. It’ll get better once we’re married. It’ll get better once we have kids. And it’s like, you constantly hold on to that next milestone moment to improve the relationship that you’re experiencing right now. And that’s just not how that works. So what is I want you to speak on that? Like, have you seen that with couples within your clients? And how do you help them?

stay focused on the now and potentially leave the relationship they’re in because it’s not going to get better when XYZ happens.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (38:47.436)
Yeah, so I’m definitely a realist. I’m really big on, again, if you have more questions than answers, then there might be a resolution to just go ahead and go your separate ways. I never tell a person to stay or not to stay, right? It all goes down to when I go to bed at night.

Am I tossing and turning or am I at peace? What does that even look like? So if you are already having problems and challenges, there is no amount of a ring saying I do or children that’s gonna make the situation better. It’s actually going to cause another rip in the situation. And if it’s already not strong enough, it’s gonna fall apart, right? So because of that, then the question is in the now, are you willing?

to repair the rips that is already there. So that, it’s gonna be a religious reference, so that you can have a new wine skin to hold what’s new. You can’t have an old wine skin, meaning I can’t have this broken relationship and then add an engagement to it and think that it’s gonna hold, it’s gonna hold up. I can’t add a marriage to it and think it’s gonna hold up. I can’t add children to it or more finances or a better career or all these other things and think it’s gonna hold up.

if what I have is already broken and ripped.

Jess Diamond (40:07.758)
I think it’s easier said than done, like most things in life, because I know I’ve talked about this with different girlfriends of like, of different friends of ours relationships. And outside looking in, we see it’s, this is a weak relationship, like this is not strong, but the person in that relationship doesn’t think that. is there any markers? there other than just am I constantly asking questions? Just how can someone objectively

Mylira, Relationship Expert (40:11.021)
Yeah.

Jess Diamond (40:36.344)
look at their relationship and answer for themselves, is this strong? Will this repair itself long term or is it time to let this person go?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (40:46.798)
So when something becomes from a decision to a consistent pattern, so what do I mean by that? You guys are fresh new. You didn’t know that it was something that your significant other did not like. So for example, let’s just say y’all work during the week, y’all both get up very early, but you didn’t know that on Saturdays they like to sleep in. But on Saturdays you go your regular routine.

First time you’re with that person, alarm goes off, they get up and they fuss you out. And you’re like, hold up, wait a minute, what happened? Okay, y’all have a conversation and they let you know, hey, this is my time where I normally sleep in, you know, so on Saturdays, I really just wanna sleep in. So now you have to decide whether or not getting up regular time is still important to you or.

Do I set my alarm a little bit later and we create a resolution like, hey, well, instead of at five o’clock, I’m gonna get up at nine. Is that enough time? You know, is this alarm gonna wake you up? Whatever. You already have the conversation. You do the solution. The solution was my alarm’s gonna be set at nine o’clock. Next week come, nine o’clock comes, same thing, you get fussed out. Now we have a pattern because we’ve already talked about what decision was going to help both of us reach a balance.

Waking up consistently on a schedule is really important to me because if I change my schedule, then I’m going to have a hard time getting up the time that I need to get up at five o’clock. So I have to keep my consistent schedule. But I compromised. said I’ll do it at nine so it won’t wake you up. But you woke up and you still fussed at me. Now this is a pattern. So every week we keep going to a resolution. He said, you know what? Yeah, we did. We made a compromise. But you fussed at me every time.

then that’s when I need to start asking myself, does this person really love me because the compromise we created, they’re not even adhering to that. I know that’s a very simple example, but that can be in any piece. That can be in who cooks, who cleans, who pay the bills. Again, if you bring children in, am I supposed to be active with them or can I still live my life as if I don’t have children? But if that person consistently do things that make you cry.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (43:06.018)
that could sincerely do things that make you question your value, your worth, that makes you question how knowledgeable you are, how valuable you are. And I know we want to get away from questions, but genuinely, if that person does not make you feel good majority of the time, then you might ask yourself, is this a solid foundation? Because if I’m being broken down more than built up, then what am I really here for? Why am I settling here?

There’s a question I love to ask people or say, if you love yourself 75%, but somebody comes in and loves you 76 % in the areas you don’t love yourself, you’re going to be willing to actually submit to them because it feels like 100 % type of love. But if I love myself 100%, I know my value, I know my worth, I know how I should be talked to, I know how I should be treated. I treat that person the way that I want to be treated. And I find myself constantly begging for your time.

I find myself constantly, you know, not wanna be around you because when I’m around you, you’re fussing, you’re fighting, or I feel like you’re ignoring me. If I have these feelings and I’ve already addressed it via communication and nothing has changed, the first time you get a conversation, the second time you get a conversation, but then I also tell you how important that is to me, which goes back to non-negotiables. That third time I’m gonna ask myself, if I was to say I do to this person today, would I actually be happy if they don’t change?

If there is a change that needs to happen, doing all the other steps is not gonna help it at all.

Jess Diamond (44:40.54)
Yeah, I’ve heard the last one a lot of if the person you’re with doesn’t change a single thing about them from this point on, would you still love them? Like, would you still want to be with them? And I know a lot of people in relationships that that’s not the case, but it’s hard as a as a friend to say like, Hey, you should not.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (44:55.81)
They still say.

Jess Diamond (45:01.488)
be with this person anymore because it’s you’re not you don’t see all sides of that relationship. I it’s from speaking from like outside or looking in is like you hear the venting from your friends and it’s hard and I did this to my friends with my ex and I would vent to them I’d say like all the things he did wrong and I wouldn’t really talk about the things he was doing well. Whereas the shift is honestly there’s not

really a ton that my boyfriend does wrong. So like, can’t think of anything. So if there is that part, which I think is like a really healthy, distinguishing factor of, yeah, I would turn to my friends and be like, ex boyfriend, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, not painting him in a positive light. And that does not happen now that that’s what you want in your relationship. Like, yes, there’s going to be some issues that come up or maybe some arguments that happen. But if you’re constantly turning to your friends and saying like,

they’re in the doghouse this week or like we had another fight or like this happened again and you’re not able to come back to one another before you’re turning to your friends for the emotional support, something’s up and you probably should not be thinking about moving in together, you should be thinking about breaking up.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (46:11.542)
Yeah, or not being afraid to go to counseling, you know, we all come with baggage. And sometimes you need a person to help you navigate the baggage. So if you do find your person and you realize like, can’t see myself without this person, but we keep having, you know, issues, it is okay to seek out therapy, you know, and the one thing about a good therapist, they’re not going to promise you a certain outcome.

The only thing they’re going to do is take you through activities so that y’all two can kind of take down the blinders and see who each other really is. I know for me with my clients, I take them through an eight week coaching program before we even get to the therapeutic things where I am going to work with them as a couple, but we’re talking about who they are as individuals. Like who do you really bring to the table? Because after years of being together, especially if you live together, now you’re a mesh.

my values now are becoming your values. We’re just all of this. Everything’s happy. Okay, great. But there is a part of me that I might be missing. So I like to bring them back to who they originally were together. And then now we create something new that looks like a couple in a unit. So where nobody becomes more important, but each person’s voice, each person values becomes super duper important. And that is important. So if someone does get to a where you’re like,

we keep having issues instead of running to your friend. Because here’s the thing I’ve learned. If you constantly run to family and friends about the issues, they’re not going to like your person. I don’t care how much sweetness you know they got. You don’t always have problems, but every time you ring their phone as a problem, they’re not going to trust that person. So even if you do keep going the route of getting engaged, getting married, having children, in the back of their head, they’re waiting for the other shoe to fall. And you’re wondering why you keep facing issues. And it’s because

Everybody else on the outside only know the bad stuff. So sometimes reaching out to a professional first to help you navigate spaces, get you strong. When you have a strong relationship and those conflicts happen, you don’t even think about calling your friend. You now think about, right, babe, we just talked about it. That was really hard. I may have shed a tear, but let me kiss you. Good night. I love you. See you tomorrow. That’s when you know your relationship is healthy compared to we keep having the same issues. Now I haven’t talked to you all week.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (48:26.338)
We pass each other every time we see each other in the hallway. Those are the things that’s like, okay, what are we really doing here?

Jess Diamond (48:33.124)
Yeah, I agree. on I mean, this episode is to highlight like, it moving? Is it time to move in together? And then really to help you not end up in a breakup, even though like that might happen. We’re not we can’t prevent that, obviously. But it’s more of like, don’t put all your eggs into this basket. Don’t jump right on in without having these important conversations and these check ins with yourself and with your partner prior as well as throughout. That being said,

there is a known statistic that your rate of divorce, your chance of divorce increases when you move when couples move in together prior to marriage. And I think it has to do with people set expectations of this is when we’re a boyfriend and girlfriend, and then that’ll change for maybe like household chores, or just how they show up in a relationship, it changes once marriage happens. And that’s, and that’s where this rift happens, this divide.

outside of what we’ve already discussed, what is some advice you can give to couples listening to decrease those chances of divorce from happening?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (49:39.576)
So one of the biggest thing is pre-marital counseling. And it doesn’t have to be done with religious people unless that is what your faith is. But finding you a relationship coach, finding you a person who does pre-marital counseling so that you can build a solid foundation. A marriage is not gonna fall apart if the foundation is solid. It falls apart when the foundation is already on sand and we already have issues and we’re thinking.

Well, if I do the next thing, which we just talked about, then it’s going to get better. That doesn’t get better. So bringing experts in to truly ask you the questions that are the hard questions, because sometimes we don’t know what we should know. If you’ve never been married before and most, you know, some people get married in their 20s, early 30s, you don’t really know what to ask. You’re kind of like, I just really love this person. I know they’re my person. But if you have somebody on the outside guiding you through the right

topics to discuss, then that’s helpful. So topics like family, sex, finances, is it blended families, careers? What does intentionality look like? So bringing an expert in to help guide that conversation. Secondly, we’ve already kind of talked about, having the conversation about what is my expectation of this marriage? What exactly is marriage to me? For some people, marriage is strictly just a business contract.

It don’t have nothing to do with love and feelings of butterflies. It literally has all to do with, look, me and you work well financially. We gonna make this thing happen. For other people, it’s just strictly about love. So then what happens is they don’t have a solid foundation on the other things that makes it, you know, make it work. So having that conversation of what is your expectation? What is marriage? And keep people out of your journey. I can speak for me personally.

I am 100 % Christian. I love my faith. I love my church. I love my people. However, I recently went through a divorce and I just told you I’m about to get married again. The questions that everybody asked me was, well, how long, why you doing it now? The ink haven’t even dried yet. And I was like, but y’all don’t know what my creator told me that this is my person and this is who I’m gonna be with for the rest of my life.

Mylira, Relationship Expert (52:01.002)
If I listened to the naysayers, I would not be marrying probably the best man I’ve ever met in my life. So I share that to say, be okay with your own journey. People are going to judge you whether you do it their way or not their way. So you have to decide again, conviction. You got to decide what feels good to you. No matter what your religious preferences, always tell people do what makes you the best version of yourself and nobody else is getting hurt by your decision.

If you’re doing that, go and be great. Go live with your person. know, have two separate rooms, have one room. Whatever it is that you decide to do, but that is super important. Take charge and be bold with your own journey because your journey’s not gonna look like your parents and grandparents. Our society is completely different than when our parents was raising us. So some of the things that, like, for example, my mom was a stay at home mom.

I can’t do that even if I wanted to, you know? So it’s embracing your own journey. And I believe that is what’s going to decrease divorce. When we stop trying to check other people’s boxes, we’ll have happier marriages and people will have a lifetime. And then lastly, this is gonna sound very crazy. If you know that you are going to cheat and you are unfaithful, let me be real with you. Have the conversation with your spouse so that they can decide.

whether or not this is the relationship they want to be in, because that’s another piece that breaks people. We have a lot of options out here. It’s easier access than it was back in the day. Back in the day, I’ll pass you my number. I had to call you on a phone. We had to set a schedule. Now I can just slide in your inbox. I can just, you know, we can have whatever conversations. Know if you are ready and what type of relationship you want. I believe in monogamy, but there are some people that believe in polygamy.

Y’all have to have the conversation of what your relationship looks like. That’s another reason why divorces is failing as well because we got so many options. Know if you only want one option and make that person your option and we’ll have some better numbers in the future.

Jess Diamond (54:10.702)
Yeah, and define what cheating means for each of you because you guys could have different definitions and then if it doesn’t align or they don’t know what your definition is and they go and do something that for you counts as cheating.

Like there’s no way to know. So you do need to define what that means for you guys. And I like that you emphasize focusing on your own journey. Cause I know people that have moved in together after three months of knowing one another. I know people who have moved in after three years of knowing one another. And it’s really where you and your partner are at in your life, in just timeline, in next step, in what you, the future you’re painting together, like all of that, it comes down to you and your relationship. can’t.

we’re going to just keep repeating that for you guys because it is so important to have conversations, have conversation around expectations around relationships around who you are, your values, like have conversations with yourself, have conversations with your partner. The more you talk, the less there is a chance of error because it is so clearly out in the open and you guys both understand one another.

But amazing. Thank you so much, Mylara, for coming on How to 20 something. If people want to get in touch with you or work with you or ask you questions about their relationships, where can they find you?

Mylira, Relationship Expert (55:29.23)
So you can find me at Malara Green on Facebook. That is like my main platform. I’m building a virtual community where nobody feels like they’re alone. So you can go and follow that page. I ask daily questions. I do lives as well. There are times where I say, if you a question, you can inbox me. It does not go to an admin or bot. It goes directly to me. So feel free.

Um, and then my website is www.mallaratransforms.com. It allows you to contact me there as well via email. And I love to get my phone number and people think I’m crazy, but genuinely when I die, I want suicide to die with me. And the only way I can do that is to make sure nobody feels alone. So that number is 757-609-0694. You can text it, you can call it.

But I want to make sure that people know that forever is still a goal. We just need support to know that we can actually reach it.

Jess Diamond (56:27.502)
I love that. That’s so sweet. You guys listening already know her information will be in the show notes for you guys to access right away. Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to 20 something. If you liked what you heard, if you learned something new, if you or someone you know is about to move in with their partner, then please share this episode post on social media or send it directly to someone you know, just do something to help me reach all of the 20 somethings in this world.

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode.