Your twenties are a decade of loss

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today I’m going to shed some light on a more somber side of becoming an adult and moving through your twenties and it’s that you lose a lot more than you expect

It’s depressing but beautiful at the exact same time because with each new experience, transition, and moments of growth you’re improving your life, you’re moving forward, but you’re also saying goodbye to past versions of you, dreams that didn’t come true, and even people

And that can feel really confusing and bring about feelings of grief alongside happiness

It’s something no one warned you about that comes with growing up

I know I can recognize this for myself when I talk about who I was in high school and college and people who know the me today are dumbfounded by how different I sounded just ten years ago

Where I was a varsity and competitive cheerleader in high school, I was a sorority girl in college, I cared a lot about status and appearance and by the end of junior year I started to make my first shift in who I was becoming

I changed again when I realized what my true calling was, my passion for fitness and for coaching other twenty somethings and leaving the stability of the corporate world behind

And the thing is.. with each of these transitions that I can reflect back on I know that for one I don’t even recognize that past self in me anymore, I’m so much different, so much better than who I used to be because let me tell you, I was selfish and self absorbed and I can confidently say I am neither of those things now 

And the second part is that I’ve lost people who were once in my inner circle as I shedded different pieces of me and molded into the version I am today

Or people who have shed me as they’ve changed or I’ve changed and we grow part as a result

So you grieve two things at once in an ongoing cycle as you grow up: you grieve your old self and you grieve the people who were once standing right beside you during that particular phase of your life

But at the same time your grief represents your growth, all that you’ve overcome and persevered through

And sure there are definitely expected losses that come with growing up like moving out of your childhood home, talking less and less to childhood friends as you get caught up in your new adult life, changing your lifestyle that now fits a full time job, losing familial traditions and beginning your own

Those are natural, those are the expected losses that will still feel sad when they happen.. We think they’re supposed to be easy transitions because they are accounted for

But it’s still a representation of out with the old and in with the new

Especially when your mom cleans out your childhood bedroom and turns it into her new gym… my mom didn’t do that but she did turn it into more of guest room

I mean she fully rented out my sisters room as an airbnb before the pandemic happened

But overall, you do feel like you lose a lot in your twenties and you don’t expect it or account for it as these positive changes are also happening at the same time

And that’s what this episode is going to be about.. All of the hidden ways we lose things throughout this decade, some of the more obvious ones and why it’s okay to have mixed feelings about all of it

For starters, something you probably don’t think about is a loss of direction

Where you go your whole life being told exactly what to do and where to be and what’s next for you and then you graduate and it’s like you enter this black hole

And now every decision is up to you, the life you want, the path you’re on or want to be on is in your hands for the first time ever and you quickly realize that you have absolutely no idea what’s going on

I know for me when I first started working full-time I had this realization of this is it? This is the next 40 years of my life? There’s no way.. I can’t accept that

But i also didn’t know what else to do

I think there are so many options with what you can be doing or maybe what you think you should be doing in your twenties that your mind goes completely blank and you can’t even think of a singular other option other than what you’re currently doing so you stay put

I thought you just have to suck it up and live the same day over and over again and that’s just what adult life is like

And it wasn’t until I lost that job at the start of the pandemic in 2020 did I start to explore what else might be possible for me

Which goes right on topic for this episode and I’ve definitely mentioned this several times throughout different topics but you’re going to lose your job in your twenties

It’s inevitable with this current market which is so shitty but it’s the shitty reality and I like to keep it real with you guys

It is going to feel really overwhelming and scary when it happens because now you’ve lost your income but also your reason for getting out of bed and out the door every day

It’s so dangerous to your mental health to lose your job and usually entirely out of your control.. but you are at the bottom of the food chain and therefore disposable in the eyes of your employers

Once you reach your later twenties things definitely level out a bit but you’re never fully safe in your career path so long as you work under someone else

Which is why you constantly need to be networking and making new connections so you have options just in case the worst case scenario happens

But your early to mid twenties comes with this risk of losing your job and it’s at a time when you aren’t even being paid enough to accrue savings to carry you through the scary times of unemployment

So you grieve this changing lifestyle

Of student to full-time employee to possibly unemployed or some variation of that cycle

Your day to day life, your goals, your income.. All of that changes with graduating college and entering the workforce and pausing the working life and there’s a sense of grief that comes with moving onto the next chapter

Shedding the identity of being a student and entering the corporate world with all of the other adults and why you exist in this world with the rest of everyone

Another loss, something I’ve also mentioned time and time again are friendship losses

It’s learning the lesson that people come into your life for a reason season or lifetime the hard way

And some friendships you’re going to think are your forever friends but runs its cycle after a year or so

It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or with them for that matter it’s just part of growing up

I was talking with a client about the reality of adult friendships recently and broke it down for her how quickly you’re going to cycle through some friendships

Again breaking it down to what she’s previously experienced throughout childhood where you’re surrounded by roughly the same kids for 6 years in elementary school, three years of middle school, and four years of high school and college

Obviously this is a generalization because people move or if you’re like me you’re at the same school from 7th to 12th grade

But you catch my drift

You’re surrounded by the same people for expected chunks of time and that’s not the case in adulthood

I told this client that you could make a friend who lives next door this week but accepts a job and moves across the country next week

And it’s hard to keep up with people you don’t see regularly

It’s hard that my best friend lives out in California and we have to put in extra effort to call one another because we know we won’t see each other for a long time

It’s hard meeting a friend, getting close with them, and then having them move away or maybe they get into a relationship and prioritize their partner over their friendships or maybe they’re progressing their relationship to marriage and building a family

We’re all moving at different paces and that alone can cause friendships to drift apart

It’s the natural cycle of life

Not every friendship loss is going to come from some massive falling out

But rather from life just happening

Even your childhood friends are going to be people you speak to less and less

And it’s even weirder if you have some friends who never left your hometown and you did

Because there’s a different level of growth that happens when you do move away and that can create a disconnect between you and the people you used to hang out with all the time

I had a different client recently go back to his hometown for a bachelor trip and he had a really difficult time seeing his friends essentially frozen in time while his has continued to move forward, progress, and get better and better

And it kind of smacks this level of grief in your face because you are grieving who you used to be and the people you used to be with

And now it’s different

And different isn’t necessarily bad but it does come with a sense of loss and it’s okay to lean into that loss

You grow apart as you move on in your life 

Maybe even vice versa if you are the one that hasn’t moved away from your hometown and your friend who did, comes back to visit.. It’s going to feel different from what it once was

I feel like career losses and friendship losses are of the more expected grievances of this decade

So let’s shift into some of the more sneaky ones like the loss of who you thought you’d be by now or where you thought you’d be

When your original five year plan didn’t even make it out of year one before everything was completely derailed

Or when you had this vision of what your twenties are supposed to be like, when you were supposed to begin working, find your soulmate, get a promotion, travel the world, get a dog or a house, have a family

It’s possible you had that entire vision for this decade

That by the time you’re thirty you’ll be at some place in your life

And as you move through your twenties and get closer and closer to your thirties you’re going to grieve the version of you that you thought was going to exist by now but is nowhere to be found

I can tell you right now that at the start of my twenties I never in a million years would have guessed that I would be owning my own business at any point in my life, let alone in my twenties, or giving talks to hundreds of people, winning awards like Charlotte’s 30 under 30, having my own podcast 

I really thought I’d live the most traditional life because that’s what I saw everyone before me do

Go to school, get a job, find a partner, get married, etc etc

I did go to school, I struggled to get a job but I got one, and then got a different one, and then I left my entire degree behind for coaching, podcasting, public speaking and personal training

The only thing I had right about my twenties was to live in north carolina 

But when you’re wrong about what you originally had in mind you’re going to feel defeated for a little bit.. Even if what’s in lieu of your vision is better

There’s still a piece of you that mourns the other timeline

Another sneaky moment of grief that comes up in this decade is the loss of time

You realize for the first time that you’re getting older.. Like really getting older doing adulting shit and being responsible

And because you’re getting older and growing up so are your parents and your grandparents

You’re watching them age as you step into your truest self

I’m actually planning out this episode on my flight to Boston to go visit my grandparents because they’re getting older and I don’t know how much time I have left with them

Or anytime my mom mentions something about my childhood and I tell her that happened 20 years ago it’s a reminder to both of us that we’re getting older

As a kid you think people in their 60s are old and then your parents reach their 60s and your entire perspective changes

It’s all bittersweet

It’s part of life but it’s newer realizations that specifically come with this decade that you’re in

And so much adulthood is filled with these bittersweet realizations and recognizing what you’re losing and what you’re gaining is also learning how to both be proud of how far you’ve come and still let yourself miss the parts of you you’re leaving behind

I think grief is good

It sucks

It sucks when it’s people grief, whether from actual death, growing apart, or moving away

And what I want to say is that it’s okay to admit that this sucks

Acknowledge that you miss that friend, that chapter in your life, that version of you

While also acknowledging that just because it’s gone doesn’t mean something about you or your life needs to be fixed

It means that you’re shedding an older layer of you and making room for something new to appear

A new thought process, new people, new career opportunities, a new life

So please know that if you’re experiencing any of these kinds of losses that it’s normal to feel sad about it even when you’re in the midst of all of these positive things happening

I’m here to help you better understand these conflicting feelings you’re experiencing or going to experience as you continue to progress in your life

It’s messy, but it’s necessary and it’s good to experience these feelings of grief

And on that note this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something so if you liked what you heard, if you better understand your mixed feelings, or know someone who is experiencing some form of loss in their twenties then please share this episode

Send it to a friend, post it to your story on instagram just do something to help me expand my reach to all of the other twenty somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode