The Do’s and Don’ts of Long Distance Relationships

I’m back with another episode of How To Twenty-Something and today we are getting a little niche as I delve into the Do’s and don’ts of being in a long distance relationship

I’ve personally done the long distance thing and I know that in our twenties we’re going to meet people, enter into a relationship with them, and then for one reason or another one of you will need to move for another opportunity

My relationship turned long distance when I graduated college and moved for my big girl job, and then it got even longer distanced when he moved back home and later started Physical Therapy school

I do want to say that our relationship did not end because it was long distance, there were a slew of other reasons for it that probably would have been exacerbated had we stayed close distance, but I’m going to help those of you listening who are in long distance or going to be, develop the best practices to keeping your relationship happy and avoid some mishaps that tend to lead to a breakup or at least an unnecessary fracture in your relationship

And thank you to my followers on instagram who contributed to this topic as I like getting other minds into the mix of what I deliver to all of you, and remember if you want to contribute anything there is a place for you to submit something that doesn’t require you to actually come on here and talk

All you have to do is go to the show notes and click the respective link or follow me on instagram at coach.jessdiamond and respond to my story the next time I post something for a podcast topic

Well, one contribution wasn’t all that helpful as he said don’t be in a long distance relationship, which yes, obviously that is more ideal, but most of us can’t control our relationships going long distance

And if you are controlling that aspect, then think about the growth stunt you are putting on your partner – let them leave or let yourself leave and chase your opportunities otherwise resentment could build which would eventually lead to a breakup and then staying would have been for nothing

I think we would all much rather be with someone who lives a few miles down the road and not hundreds of miles away but distance is part of life sometimes

I do want to begin with saying long distance does require a hell of a lot of planning and communication as you will hear me speak about soon enough, which honestly isn’t too different from an actually relationship

The difference here is you can’t spontaneously say let’s go get ice cream and have a movie night tonight if a trip wasn’t already on the calendar – so the planning has to be a bit further in advance which I’ll get into what that looks like

But let’s start with the cliche saying of distance makes the heart grow fonder and I’ve even heard a saying of distance makes the sex grow hotter – so do with that what you will but it brings me to the biggest piece of advice I give anyone who is about to embark on this love journey

And that is the time apart is more important than the time together

Meaning your communication between visits, bringing up what’s bothering you when it’s bothering you, and having regular check ins with one another is going to be crucial to the success of your relationship

Just because you aren’t seeing each other frequently doesn’t mean you can get away with not putting in time and effort towards your partner

When you are long distance you might get to spend a weekend together here or there so you are not going to want to quote unquote ruin the weekend with getting something off your chest or being in a bad mood because you’ve been sitting on something for a while and haven’t expressed how you feel

When you have regular phone calls or facetimes and designated check in days either monthly or weekly, my recommendation is weekly, you give each other the opportunity to bring up something that is bothering you so that the time together is extra precious and happy

Of course, this could also be a good time to have a face to face serious conversation, but when the distance is fresh you’re not going to feel inclined to do that

Again because you don’t want to ruin what little time you do have together with arguments

Okay now into the do’s and don’ts

Starting with the biggest one of all, which is do have an end date planned or at least roughly in mind

Before you even agree to go long distance you both need to be on the same page with when this long distance relationship will end and you guys will be the in the same city, even if it’s five years from now, it’s still something

With this is what city you will be in, who would be moving to who, or it could be a city neither of you live in, which is honestly probably the best case scenario so it doesn’t feel like one of you is giving up your entire life for the other

One of my best friends moved to her boyfriend’s city and now they are happily engaged over a year after making the move

But I’ve also had a friend who didn’t really want his girlfriend to move to his city because he didn’t want her to just enter his friend group and not have people of her own – they broke up in part because she actually didn’t want to move for several years and now there was no end date in sight for the long distance to become local distance

This friend did have a valid point about not being too thrilled to have her join him, so it’s just something to keep in mind – when do you think you’ll be able to live closer to one another and where do you think that will be

And if the timeline gets shifted there needs to be a conversation about what’s going on

Which I think also pairs with a good don’t, don’t start your relationship as long distance, you’re already putting yourself behind and will need to play catch up when you do this

Again I know sometimes these things are out of your control and the heart wants what the heart wants, but it’s definitely going to work in favor of the longevity and success of your long distance if you guys establish a relationship when living in the same area

When you can see each other more regularly, and establish a solid foundation in your relationship, before you put the obstacle of distance in the middle of it

With that, I also want to add that going long distance will put you back into some form of the honeymoon phase – it’s not the og honeymoon phase but it is something new for your relationship, you guys are going to miss one another and then be really happy and excited to see each other

More so than if you remained local to one another when routines get put into place, sleepovers are more frequent, and you see each other a lot more often throughout the week or weekend every week

Which is also why it’s much more difficult to bring up what’s bothering you when you are together

Another do is know when the next time you guys will see each other, who will be traveling to who, when, and for how long

This needs to be clearly communicated and marked in the calendar by the end of your current visit

Even if you guys can’t coordinate schedules for 3 months from now, especially if you’re someone who has to fly to see your person, it can get tricky, but having that date in your minds eye will keep both of you happy and looking forward to one another

It also eliminates the worry and stress that comes with the unknown

My long distance relationship at first was very good at this but as time went on it felt more like pulling teeth to get him to come visit me or to even meet at our old college for a football game which wasn’t middle ground but more so a way to entice him to make the bigger drive than me

Speaking of which, this one might be an obvious don’t but don’t make one person do the traveling every time, try to alternate who goes to who 

Or if that’s not possible then alternate paying the travel expenses for that one person – try to make things an even playing field as much as possible

Maybe whoever is visiting, the other one pays for everything, or another way to go is you guys split absolutely everything

Next thing to make sure you do is set clear expectations for one another, technically this is a good rule of thumb for any relationship but knowing what you need from each other and how you prefer each of you shows up in the relationship when you’re apart 

Knowing when your phone calls will be, when your check in calls will be, if you need words of affirmation via text, if you need thinking of you gift sent to you

In my long distance relationship we would schedule our phone calls or facetimes for 6pm because that was the one hour during the day where I wasn’t with a client or at work and it’s when I would walk around the lake I lived on

We didn’t chat every day at 6 but it was at least once a week

The shitty thing about those phone calls is he was usually multitasking with watching something on tv or even worse, playing video games, which made me feel very unimportant and more of an inconvenience

I’m sorry if you’re listening to this and I’m sharing all the rough edges around our old relationship.. I’m not really sure if he does but you never know

But don’t be like my ex, don’t multitask during your phone calls

Be completely present on them, I know you’re busy and week days can get hectic, but refraining from multitasking will save a lot of frustrations from your partner, speaking from experience on this one

Besides, we’re all busy so that’s not a valid enough excuse, if I can make time for you then you should be able to do the same for me

People have enough time, energy, and money for what’s important to them so keep that in mind if your partner is constantly making excuses for being unavailable.

If you have a lot going on that week, talk to your partner and say you would love to have your regular phone call but there’s too much on your plate this week and then schedule the next time you are available to talk to them

Again looping it back to communicate, communicate, communicate

If either one of you feels in the dark in any aspect of your relationship, it’s not going to be very healthy or secure

A good do is do plan virtual date nights, this is different than regular phone calls or checks ins, this is acting as though you guys are spending intentional quality time together

It’s a makeshift date that would otherwise be with one another, but because of the distance this is the next best thing

So Facetime movie dates, or eating dinner together virtually, basically doing the same activity at the same time but talking through a screen instead of in person

This is good for if you guys can’t coordinate when you’ll see each other next for several months down the line, so think at least, emphasis on at least, 1 designated date night a month, whether that comes via in person or facetime call

Basically, don’t let more than a few weeks go by without making time to have an intentional date night and quality time

Something nice that was contributed via my instagram story was write down the things that happened during your week that you wanted to remember to tell your partner, so the Facetime call is filled with stories of your life instead of casual talk

You’d be surprised by how much you forget happens during a week that when the phone call comes it’s like oh you no same life I lived last week, but I miss you

This really helps your partner feel connected to you and your life even with the many miles of distance in between

This doesn’t mean you should feel tied to your phone and answer every text or snapchat that comes your way the second it’s there, but definitely have consistent communication and a good back and forth 

This also doesn’t mean small talk of how are you but honestly anytime you’re thinking about them it can be as simple as this reminded me of you

Or reminiscing on this time we spent together

Or thinking of you, love you

These don’t have to be drawn out conversations, but something that reassures your partner that you are a key component in their life, not just when you are together but when you are off living your two lives during the time apart

The next don’t that I have is don’t put your life on hold for this person

What I mean is carry on as usual, set goals and go after them, take care of yourself, feel independent, feel like you’re creating a fulfilling life in your city, but know that you do have someone who lives however many miles away who cares about you

Life isn’t on pause just because your relationship needed to take this temporary detour

Life will never be paused for you so act accordingly and continue to grow, pursue adventures, join groups or activities that give you joy, establish your friend group, live your life

And encourage your partner to do the same

No one said long distance is easy, but as I’ve mentioned briefly on a previous episode, I actually think there are some valuable benefits to being in one

You have the opportunity to be independent and explore who you are as you grow into this adult, explore the city you’re in, and establish a life for yourself without feeling tied to another person

It gives you a lot of weekends to live life and then every now and then you get to introduce your partner to this life you’ve created and vice versa

It can be really healthy for your relationship to have some distance for this exact reason, as long as you abide by the do’s and don’ts I just mentioned, mainly the communication part, planning, and having an end date agreed upon

One of my clients actually married her long distance relationship and she loved the distance

She said she worked on herself during this time, she cooked, ate healthy, and filled the loneliness with health, activities, and networking to keep busy

He wasn’t her only source of happiness and couldn’t be, and shouldn’t be, but then the time they spent together felt magical because they knew they only had so much time together, so while most local relationships might fall into a rut where your time spent together is watching tv or scrolling on your phones next to one another, they were able to appreciate this time together and take part in fun activities

She said both parties developed themselves independently of the relationship and built major trust between the two of them

Which is a good do: do establish trust between one another, remain open and honest even when the honesty might hurt the other one’s feelings, they’ll appreciate it down the line that you did come to them and expressed your honest opinion

She even said she believes couples are happier when one partner travels every so often because of the value of the space that is created between the two and how it gives you time to miss each other rather than taking each other’s presence for granted

This mainly applies to when you’re living together post long distance

And i think the characteristics you guys develop during this distance should carry over to when you become local – your individualities, your health, your priorities; sure share some of those things together but it’s good to be off on your own at the same time

The bottomline is long distance is less than ideal, but it doesn’t mean relationships don’t survive them

It’s hard but when both parties put in equal amounts of effort when apart and when together, anything is possible

Time for my final don’t: and this one is huge, this is something I needed help with in my long distance relationship and that is don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s

Everyone is experiencing something different and social media is a highlight reel

While I was in my long distance ship, two of my close friends were also in there’s and whenever mine was struggling and I would look online and see how happy everyone else appeared to be, I would literally text them and ask them if they have struggles of their own

And guess what… they did

Relationships are hardly picture perfect, all you’re seeing is the happy and in love side of things but you can never really know what’s going on behind closed doors

You don’t know the frustrations, the fights, the annoyances that happen behind the scenes because people aren’t going to air their dirty laundry for everyone to see

My mom had no idea I was miserable towards the end of my relationship, because I didn’t tell her anything, mainly because if we got through this rough patch i didn’t want her to have a dirty taste in her mouth about him

When I told her I ended things she literally told me oh well you guys can get back together later and I was like no, that is definitely not happening and it’s because she only knew of the good parts; I only gave her my highlight reels

My friends on the other hand were ecstatic 

But comparing is only going to enhance any feelings of doubt that you might have

So if you’re listening, know that even the most perfect relationships have their fights

Remember, any relationship is two people from very different backgrounds coming together and sharing their life and that comes with an array of beliefs, parenting styles, habits, and anything of the sort

Focus on what areas you want to improve upon together and work on that without the belief that everyone else is happily in love 100% of the time, because they aren’t

Love is based on action, patience, commitment, effort, and communication and that is something that has to be built over time

Your long distance is unlike anyone else’s, but the do’s and don’ts mentioned today are pretty universal to everyones

Try your best to adapt to the challenges that come with the distance, be prepared to pivot, but keep an open line of communication on the things that aren’t working well and the things that are

Practice gratitude towards one another and know that this isn’t permanent

Use my quote that always helps me through a tough time: it’s not forever, it’s for now

But that is my list of do’s and don’ts of a long distance relationship, along with some stories to emphasize some points

If you are in a long distance relationship send this episode to your partner, if your friend is in one, send this to them, share this on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

But you guys will get through this phase in your relationship, it’ll make you stronger as a couple when you do

And with that this concludes another episode of how to twenty something, thanks for listening and I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode