Dating in Your Twenties

I’m back with another episode of How To Twenty-Something and continuing on with my mini relationships series as today we are going to discuss the all too familiar topic of dating in your twenties which also coincides with being single in your twenties

Dun dun dunnnn

No but seriously, at one point or another a large majority of us have experienced the world of dating, the life of being single, and teetering between the too

In today’s episode I’m going to help you understand what you want and what you value in a potential significant other, not settling for below your standards, the role dating apps play, and simply feeling validated that it absolutely sucks to date right now

I live in Charlotte and this city is NOTORIOUS for a horrible dating scene and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about their own city

I think part of the reason for the bad dating scene is because there are so many people all around the same age so we keep passing up the person in front of us today with the thought that there might be someone better tomorrow

And there hardly ever is that better person, yet we get so scared of committing to someone because of that lingering possibility in the back of our minds

We’re afraid to settle for the here and now because of what could be available down the line

This is also what happens on dating apps, only on a more superficial level that if you don’t absolutely love someone’s face you’ll dismiss them without even getting to know them

I know you want to be able to show your partner off and not give the excuse of they look better in person I promise, but dating apps still paint this facade of someone

You are judging them without even knowing them and that’s just not how I personally like to roll, it’s fine if that’s what you prefer as you are in charge of your own life and relationships

I do want to say I have never been in a good place mentally when I’ve gone the route of downloading the apps and they don’t last on my phone for longer than a month

It’s not to say that you shouldn’t use the apps to find love, but it is being realistic of the likelihood of you finding someone decent and ready for commitment, and getting over the idea that you need to mesh well on the very first date

I know there are success stories out there, I have friends who have been married for 3 years now and met on Tinder, my sister and her boyfriend met on bumble over four years ago, and one of my friends just got engaged to someone she met online as well

So it is possible

But I know I don’t do well on those apps simply because I’m really big on people’s energies and the compatibility that comes with that initial in person interaction without the time commitment of a first date needing to be planned

I like to say I enjoy meeting people the old fashioned way, casually and in person

Which means putting myself in situations that I enjoy being in and hope to meet someone there

For me this is the gym or when I go play some outdoor pickup games on Sundays or a networking event, and this is isn’t out at the bars simply because I don’t enjoy drinking and late nights so I would prefer not to meet someone who is getting shit faced on a friday night for no other reason than it being the start to the weekend

Finding someone to date is similar to finding someone to be friends with – going to things you enjoy being at or in groups you have an interest in

But before you download the apps or go out into the real world you need to fully know your own thought processes, beliefs, and priorities 

First off, I want to touch on qualities and values that you have and thereby will want to seek out in potential partner

This starts with knowing the difference between qualities and values because they are not the same but they do overlap and can influence one another

Qualities are characteristics and traits of a person describing how someone behaves

They are observable through action and make up someone’s personality

Things like honesty, patience, integrity, and resilience

Where values are core beliefs and principles that guide someone’s decisions and priorities

Values are representative of your moral compass and are basically the reason why you act in a certain way

So to simplify values are your why behind a decision or the reason as to why you behave in a particular way and qualities are your actual decisions, actions, or behaviors

For example if you value compassion then you are going to be kind to the people you interact with

They both play an integral role as to how you or a potential significant other is going to interact in the world, so it’s important to have a general understanding of the two

But before you put yourself out there and restart the dating process again, it’s time for you to get clear on your own values and how they relate to what you’re looking for in another human being

Meaning, what do you value in your relationships and what are the qualities that support those values?

I’m not going to go through every value that exists, but I will touch on some that are important to me, with the hopes that you start to get a general idea of what’s important to you

The first one is communication and this is in regards to a couple of different things like fully articulating your words so I don’t feel in the dark or hanging off a cliff and vice versa

Because we all know how this feels and it absolutely sucks to not know where you stand in someone else’s eyes and also is a true test to someone’s maturity levels if they can’t communicate what they are feeling

So do not ghost someone… tell them straight up.. This is something I have to deal with in my business a lot and I hate it, so if I feel in the dark in a relationship you bet your ass I’m shutting that down

Our human brains are going to fill in the gaps with whatever story is going to make us feel better or worse about the unknown and I think we can all agree that that is not a fun time

Those stories typically end up false and we got so worked up over someone else’s inability to effectively communicate

Whether it’s the story of they aren’t responding because they are on their way to surprise me with a bouquet of flowers or they aren’t responding because they are with someone else and cheating on me

One version sets a high expectation brought by disappointment and the other stresses you out in the moment

That until the true story comes out you’re creating your own, when in reality they were probably just napping

Communication has been a big topic within the last year of my life and I do my best to fully communicate to other people in my life, let alone someone I might be dating

I also know I’m guilty of being short with someone with the hopes that they’ll pick up on me not wanting to talk to them instead of saying the actual words of I’m not interested, obviously in a more lighthearted and caring way, but I have gotten better

It’s not easy to reject someone, but it is to communicate where you stand, so to repeat: stop ghosting.. Stop it

This actually reminds me of a time in college when this guy I was seeing fully dropped off the face of the earth and I finally saw him again right before Halloween so I said to him, “What are you going to be for halloween this year, a ghost?”

Anyways, back to communicating..

Communication also means feeling safe to express your thoughts and feelings to someone else and maintaining openness and honesty between one another

A second value that I hold very high is health and wellness, encompassing mental, physical and emotional well-being and as a life and nutrition coach and personal trainer that should not come to a surprise to any of you

Someone who works out, eats well, cares about their body and mind, is growth minded and therefore likes to read, learn, and expand their thoughts, someone who isn’t afraid to show different emotions, and even has good financial health as in they don’t spend their money foolishly but is responsible with knowing how much they are netting on a regular basis

This is all what I do in my day to day life with myself and help my clients solidify within the context of their lives so you bet your ass I’m going to want to see someone prioritize their healths within their lives when considering getting into a relationship with them

With that comes the value of responsibility – being with someone who has their head on straight, takes ownership for their actions or lack thereof, and feels fully accountable for the way their life is presenting itself

This also coincides with qualities like being on time or true to their word and is someone I can count on or is reliable, dependable, and consistent

I joke with people when they talk about their dating struggles, its usually women, by telling them oh send the guy the link to my calendar and I will make him datable

It’s wins all around, you get a guy with his shit together, I get a client, and the guy has his shit together

Another value is respect – queue aretha franklin R-E-S-P-E-C-T

But on a more serious note,  finding someone who acknowledges and adheres to boundaries being set, treats me like an actual person who matters, and values listening to one another which also loops back to communication

Respect is also how someone interacts with others who have different backgrounds and beliefs and treating people with dignity and is considerate of others

And last but not least, I value humor – I want to laugh and someone to laugh with me.. I mean who doesn’t?

Being with someone who has a good sense of humor and puts a smile on my face and vice versa is important to me so I don’t feel like I’m talking to a wall

This also means knowing my sarcasm and dishing it back out to me, which of course is something that needs to be learned over time 

Which is important to note, as not all values are going to come through on a first date, a first date is more like a business exchange so release the expectation that this person must check off every box in your first interaction, but definitely keep a high alert on for red flags

But these are my top five values that a person I’m considering dating absolutely must have and it’s values that I make sure I carry out within my own life

These are my deal breakers and it’s important to know what you want, what you know you are deserving of, and not getting blindsided by some other qualities when your potential partner doesn’t hold at least a majority of your top values.. We’re talking 4 out of 5 but more ideally 5 out of 5

A conversation I had recently with a client who is getting back into the dating scene was she realized she was looking for qualities and values in other people that she had not yet solidified in herself yet and it felt wrong to dismiss someone based off of that

To which I told her a few things: the first was you never know if they are actively working on those things if you don’t give them that initial chance and two you know you are working on prioritizing these things

Just because you aren’t perfect in those areas yet doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to see similar things within another human you are considering partnering up with

So if you are listening and have begun to think about your own values as I walked you through mine, just know that we’re all a work in progress, but continuing to strive for more and to improve in certain areas of your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to see that in someone else too

Don’t count yourself out or another person out just because they have yet to solidify those parts of themselves

Because let’s face it, we’re all still learning so much about the world in our twenties, let alone how we fit in the world and what we value

So start with yourself, start with what you value in your life and what you’re prioritizing to improve upon right now and that will help you set the standards for what you also want in someone else

I remember talking to some random girl at the pool over a year ago and we got onto the subject of dating to which I said I was picky and she corrected me and said, “you’re not picky, you have high standards”

And your high standards represent your own self worth and what you believe you are worthy of receiving

I know I am worthy of receiving far more than the bare minimum

I’ve been in relationships where the bare minimum was a bar set too high for that particular guy and well there’s a reason we’re not still together

You are also worthy of receiving more than the bare minimum.. We are past the age of settling for mediocrity.. That’s college shit.. We’re adults now, we want to find our forever person and that comes with us stepping up our own game and meeting someone who also matches that energy

And on that topic of wanting to find your forever person, it is totally valid for you to long for a partner.. It’s doesn’t mean you’re weak or co-dependent it means you want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that

But it does mean you shouldn’t jump on the first person to give you attention

And that’s why I started this episode with what are your values because these are your non-negotiables these are the deal breakers

The person can be a decent human but if they don’t share a majority of the same values as you, then they are not the person for you

You don’t need to get an ick, or say that person was a shitty human if they really just weren’t a good compatibility match for you

There are over 7 billion people on this planet, there’s going to be someone out there who does check off your value boxes

I know there is a quiet pressure to find someone in your twenties or maybe a lot of your friends are in serious relationships, but this doesn’t mean you need to rush into something just to play catch up

You’re not behind, you’re practicing patience, you’re practicing self love and getting to know yourself so that you can bring the best version of you to your next relationship

Take the lessons learned from your past relationships or dating experiences, both the successful moments, and the not so successful moments

As they are going to help you to paint the picture of what you’re looking for and what you are deserving of receiving

Each relationship you have encountered serves as a a stepping stone in the direction to finding your person

Seriously think about the relationships, situationships, or dating experiences that you’ve encountered throughout your life thus far and pull out what you did well and what you could improve on, what you liked about the relationship and what could have been better

Get to know your patterns – do you go for the asshole or toxic person, do you run away when there’s potential for it to become more serious, do you love really hard and then get your heartbroken even though you’ve only known each other for one month, do you give your all to someone but don’t believe you’re worthy of receiving the same in return, do you accept the bare minimum as good enough when you do deserve more than that?

If you can’t recognize your own patterns then you are going to keep repeating the same dead end relationships, so ask your friends as they probably have a good idea as to what your red flags are when it comes to dating

To recap what I’ve gone through so far in this episode first it was the role dating apps play, your own values and qualities and what to look for in someone else, and knowing your worth and receiving nothing less, now I want to move onto a topic that has surfaced more over this last year and that is masculine versus feminine energies

I want to get one thing clear, this does not mean gender roles

This does not mean ladies your role is to be in the kitchen and men your role is to bring home the money, no

You see, I was raised by a single mom and if there was any life lesson she taught me it was that you need to be fully capable of taking care of yourself without being dependent on someone else for love, money, and support

But this doesn’t mean you aren’t supposed to long for the love, support, and financial relief that does come with a serious relationship, it does mean that you can be independent but are choosing to invite someone into your life to make it better

Both men and women can be in their masculine and feminine energies at different times, so it’s knowing where that shows up for you and in someone you want to be with

These are complementary characteristics of one another whether within yourself or within your relationship

Your masculine energies consist of taking action meaning goal oriented, taking the initiative, being determined, and making decisions

This energy also encompasses logistics and analytics and is focused on problem solving, being assertive and standing up for what you believe in as well as practicing direct communication, independence as I’ve mentioned before, where you are self-reliant and can take care of yourself, and competitive either with yourself or with others

Your feminine energy is being receptive, nurturing, and open to receiving emotions of others

In this energy you are also intuitive and use your gut feelings to navigate situations, you’re collaborative and focus on cooperation and community

You are adaptable and flexible to changing circumstances, and empathetic as in you are in tune with other people’s feelings as well as your own

We all possess a combination of the two energy types, so knowing where you fall into your masculine and where you fall into your feminine is helpful when getting to know someone else and where they fall depending on the situation at hand

I’ll give an example for what I believe is right for my life

I’m a business owner, therefore I am always in my masculine energy when it comes to operating in my day to day life

I am extremely goal-oriented, fantastic at solving problems with my clients and myself, can successfully set and abide by boundaries, and am very independent in my own life

However, I am also very empathetic towards others, thrive in a community of people, and am intuitive beyond belief

When I look at my life I know I am both masculine and feminine when it comes to my business as being a coach requires me to be both

When it comes to relationships I want to be in my feminine energy more than my masculine mainly because I want to be able to take a break from being in charge of everything all the time

So depending on the situation and who I am will determine which of my energies will shine through

And if you were to look at your life you can start to pull out where you show up based on the circumstances and people around you

But you see how this isn’t about gender roles and more so a build on knowing the qualities you possess and finding someone who complements those qualities within their own belief systems

The last piece of information I want to share as I begin to wrap up this episode of dating in your twenties

Establishing what you are looking for in terms of a long term relationship, a situationship, a friends with benefits, or anything along those lines will help you to set boundaries and clearly communicate your expectations of the other person, before you enter into a ship of some sort

Because if you are looking for a quick hookup but someone else is looking for a serious relationship, then you guys are going to butt heads and it’s not going to end well

The pressure to find your person in this phase of our lives is real, it’s all around us

Every day I open a social media app and see another person that I know has gotten engaged

Know that your time will come when it’s supposed to, use this time, if you’re single, to really get to know yourself and what you’re looking for in a relationship and don’t you dare settle for anything less

Dating is rough out there, believe me, but there is no one size fits all timeline when it comes to love, you will find your person and that person will come at the exact time they are supposed to

So for now, take yourself on little dates, get to know what you enjoy and how you exist in your life, and someone will enter your life when the time is right, not based on what you believe to be the right time

But that is what I have to say on dating in your twenties and being single in your twenties

If you liked what you heard please share this with a friend or post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond if you do

And if you need help on your own personal growth journey, please reach out to me either via email or instagram as I am actively accepting clients and would love to help you

Otherwise this concludes another episode of How To Twenty-Something, thanks for listening and I can’t wait to be in your headphones next week with another brand new episode