When You’ve Already Communicated It (and Nothing Changed)

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is under the category of communication

But rather than helping you communicate effectively in the moment.. Which is what episode I think 3 or 4 is about.. This episode is for when you’ve already said what needed to be said, in a way you feel proud of saying it, and still nothing happens

It goes right along with the saying: actions speak louder than words

Where maybe in this conversation the other person says they’ll be different, try harder, do more and it’s possible they do so at first and then they go right back to what they were doing before so nothing really changes

And trust me I’ve had a fair share of these moments with both friends and ex boyfriends

And it sucks because you’re led to believe you’ve been clearly understood, your wants and needs are valued, and you cling to this hope that this other person will follow through

And when they don’t, you’re left feeling crushed.. Yet still hopeful they’ll do something different in the future

So you have to decide for yourself how much more of these broken promises are you willing to tolerate before you walk away

I guess when it comes down to helping you out with this episode… what I’m really saying is: If you’ve already communicated it and nothing changed, this is no longer a communication issue…. it’s a decision point.

We’re taught our whole lives, use your words.. I mean to be fair that was mostly in regards to not hitting your sibling or classmate, but still the message has been there

Words are powerful

They hold a lot of meaning and when there is a mismatch in the words said to what’s done about what was said, you’re left with a feeling of heartbreak.. Maybe even resent

So you wait a little longer, see how things play out, hope things change and bring it all up again

Does this cycle sound familiar: you communicate, you wait, you hope, you get disappointed, and then you try again

To which I want to tell you, that if you’re the twenty-something listening who is on the side of the conversation where you are clearly communicating what’s bothering you, then there is a really good chance you’re not under communicating, but rather over communicating

You’re giving this person so many chances to be different, to step up, to do more

And the problem with that is if the other person does not prioritize your relationship then they are not going to make the necessary changes to resolve it

Because remember, we can’t force someone else to change, we can only do what’s within our control and that includes making sure you set a boundary with yourself of how much communicating is enough before you answer your own wake up call to walk away

It’s a hard truth to swallow, I know

And you’re someone with a big heart, fighting for this relationship to work

But relationships take two!

And you don’t need to keep following up, explaining your needs, or making sure they understand what it is you’re saying

I know everyone is human and it’s easy to forget to put things into action when it’s different from what they’ve done before and it’s a new pattern they need to work to develop so you’re cutting them some slack

Because they very well could really care about you and your relationship together, but keep forgetting the action part

However, if that’s the case, and say they apologize when it happens, or soon after, then you still need to set your own self boundary of how often are you going to let that slide

Because one mistake is a human; multiple mistakes is a pattern

Reminding you again, actions speak louder than words

Apologies, over time, mean nothing if nothing is done about it!

You can always challenge that person, healthily challenge that person, when they apologize and ask them what do they want to do differently next time

But constantly repeating yourself isn’t adding to the clarity and constantly accepting the apology when nothing else is being done about it isn’t helping either

They know exactly what you’re saying and what you mean and if they’re not in a state to receive this information than nothing is going to be done about it

I say this a lot, but people are shit communicators 

And the second half of communicating that make people shit communicators is learning how to listen

I think I mentioned this in a few episodes back when I was talking about what it takes to be a good friend

But I was butting heads with a friend of mine for months and had already brought up my own fears and traumas twice before our third conversation where i brought it up again

Now, people are not responsible for your traumas, you’re responsible for dealing with them, however, what you can do is explain how an action someone is doing is triggering you

Not blaming them for causing the trigger, but informing them that when they do this, this is what happens in your mind because of what has happened in your past… and that logically you know it’s irrational but in the moment you can’t help your spiraling thoughts

And that’s what I did

This friend knew all about my friendship breakup from two years prior and I explained to her that when I’m left out of her life, when she doesn’t make plans with me, or share things with me, both the good and bad, so basically when she goes radio silent.. I get very in my head that she’s mad at me or that I did something wrong

And that this spiral stems from when my ex best friend went radio silent and then our friendship ended and that’s absolutely what i don’t want to happen here

So I offered a solution of if it’s not hanging out regularly, like we used to, then maybe it’s having a phone call with one another to catch up while we’re on a walk or a drive or something

And that worked for all of one week and then it went right back to silence

So she heard me and then resorted back to her old ways, thus activating all of my past traumas and thoughts

Now, looking back, our friendship was very very fractured by this point of me constantly feeling like I was extending out and her shutting me down

My role in this, and i’m not justifying this at all, but because my traumas are heavily internalized, I was making her distance all about me instead of separating the two and asking about what’s going on in her life and if she’s stressed or something

That’s probably what I wish I could have done have done differently, but it’s also not something she ever communicated to me

So it’s not something I knew to change if it was never communicated

Because, you can’t forget this crucial piece of information: people cannot read minds

If you’ve done your part and communicated, then great 

However, it’s important to remember that someone can hear you, validate you, agree with you, and still not change

It doesn’t mean they don’t understand, it means they made their decision

That their comfort is of a higher priority than you

And now it’s time for you to make yours.. Is this someone you want to keep in your life

What I had to accept in this friendship was that she wasn’t a bad person, she just wasn’t willing or able to meet me where I needed to be

Now, I’ve also experienced the opposite where I do communicate and it is well received, just to give you proof that these kinds of people do exist

Especially if you’re anything like me and go from boyfriend to best friend to best friend with these same patterns of broken promises

My boyfriend, Ryan, is someone notorious for waiting to buy tickets

Plane tickets, concert tickets, event tickets, whatever it is.. If he needs a ticket to something, he’s going to wait until the very last minute to get it

And I had to explain to him that my ex would always make broken promises and that was in the form of verbally confirming he was going to something and then never buy a ticket and pull out last minute or something would come up where he could no longer go

We would make plans for a trip or to go to a football game or something and they would never end up happening

So when Ryan would wait to buy his tickets, I would get super super anxious and not believe him that he’s actually going to be there

And he would respond back with saying, when have I ever gone back on my word

And i told him, that doesn’t matter, he’s never gone back on his word, what matters is my past is creating my beliefs

And because he cares about me and not adding to my anxiety, he buys tickets when I inform him of an event I want him at

Like my Tedx Talk and the meet the speakers cocktail hour that was a few weeks ago or plane tickets or concert tickets 

The difference in these two examples, with my friend and boyfriend, is that my boyfriend took action based on what I said and continues to do so and my friend took action for a week and then went right back to what she was doing before 

The latter is what this episode is designed for

Because I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of encounters where you communicated and nothing changed

Or it temporarily changed

So you wait it out and then go to re-explain

Hoping that this time it’ll click, this time it’ll be different

Because repeating yourself feels safer than accepting the demise of this relationship 

You cling to the hope that things will change

And this is where you absolutely should not give an ultimatum, but rather we shift to what is within your control… without repeating yourself again and again

This looks like changing your expectations of this relationship

Like if someone is always late to something, adjusting your expectations for them to finally arrive on time is going to help how you feel about this relationship 

You could create distance

Since this person does not care about you in the way you care about them so they need to be demoted to a circle further away from your inner one

And you could walk away entirely

Understanding that this is not a relationship you want to have in your life

That you are worthy of something better

These are your boundaries

They’re not fun and I get that

Because if you’re anything like me, you’re communicating what needs to be different because you care about this other person being in your life

And sometimes communicating isn’t the answer, leaving is

It doesn’t mean you didn’t try, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or the other person is a bad person.. It just means it’s not a good fit

And you’re finally listening to the reality of the situation

So whether they did change or didn’t change, believe them

Their actions are showing you exactly where you stand in their life

And it’s time for you to do your due diligence and ask yourself: where are you constantly explaining or feeling like you’re having the same conversation on repeat but spread out over months

Or something I’m guilty of doing, are you justifying their behaviors at your own expenses?

Because you deserve to be treated much better than that

This is the hardest part of breaking off relationships 

Since there probably isn’t one distinct blow out moment, but slow fractures that built up over time and then the relationship completely shatters

Oh and don’t accept the response: I don’t have the capacity for this or to see you or talk to you about our relationship

Because my friend kept pulling that card

People have enough capacity for the people they care about… take it for what it’s worth

They do have the capacity, they just don’t have the capacity for you

And it’s not to say anything is wrong with you, it is to say there is something wrong with this relationship you’re keeping in your life

Believe the behavior, not the potential

And that’s exactly how I’m going to end this episode of how to twenty-something

I’m sorry if you’re dealing with this because I know it’s not fun to come to terms with a relationship that is coming to an end

But if you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone giving someone in their life way too many chances then please share this episode

Post it to your story, send it to a friend, just please do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings in the entire world, navigating the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode