Episode 3: Using Effective Communication To Your Benefit

Welcome back to How To Twenty Something it’s time to put on your listening ears as we’re going to be diving into the steps you need to take to effectively communicate, which actually begins with your ability to listen as you’ll learn soon enough

Now, this is such a crucial skill to getting anywhere in life, so I really hope you work to apply these tactics when the need to communicate your wants, needs, desires, feelings, and boundaries surface – which they will with any long term relationship you’ll ever have 

And by relationship I mean anything more than surface level socializing you can think of such as friends, family members, partners, and coworkers and even the potential relationships new people hold

If you want to learn more about how to communicate outside of this podcast episode then I recommend you read the book “Listen! The art of effective communication” by dale carnegie and of course I’m linking the book in the show notes for you to access 

Otherwise, I’ll be using this episode to discuss what I’ve learned from that book and if you want to learn how to cater any of these episodes to your unique life and needs then click the link to schedule a call where we can discuss working together

Other links that you’ll see in the show notes are to my email if you ever want to share your results or aha moments with me, my website where you can poke around and learn more about my Life and Nutrition Coaching business, see what events I’m offering, get on my email list, and schedule a call with me, and a place where you can submit a question for me to answer or a topic you want me to talk about on here, so be sure to check out all the links 

You see, I was actually going to hold off on making this podcast episode as it’s such a large topic, but it keeps surfacing in my life either personally, amongst friends, and even with clients so I figured I better move that timeline up and get it out to y’all as soon as possible

So here I am teaching you how to communicate effectively 

But first, let’s talk about what happens when you haven’t developed the maturity to voice your concerns or problems and instead practice avoidance or passiveness and hopefully by the end of this episode you realize the importance of confrontation even if it makes you so uncomfortable to do in the moment

I’m going to come at this from two different angles with one being you’re the one that’s not communicating what’s bothering you and the other one being how it feels to be on the other end of that situation and how neither positions feel very good and could potentially lead to disaster and shattered relationships

So let’s say someone in your life does something that upsets you or even doesn’t do something and that upsets you, and instead of coming to that person and letting them know that you are not very happy with them, you think it would be easier to let it pass

But seriously ask yourself, does it really pass? Do you ever really get over it or is there still a part of it that’s bothering you, even if it’s a tiny bit?

Or are you thinking to yourself, it’s not that serious to bring up and open that can of worms, so you keep it inside of you?

However, by not communicating what’s bothering you, the other person has no idea what’s going on and will continue to operate in that way, as they probably believe nothing is wrong with your relationship or their actions, otherwise you would’ve said something

And I want to get one thing straight, people cannot read minds, even if you think it’s so obvious that you’ve been hurt in some way or that the other person clearly overstepped some boundaries, you should never assume the other person understands what’s going on – which is why you need to communicate!!!

Because the other person has no idea what’s going on, you are never going to feel resolved and their repetitive actions that you have not voiced to be a problem will keep compiling on top of each other until you’ve reach your boiling point and react accordingly – which we all know is not going to be cordial, appropriate, friendly, or calm

That reaction could cause far more damage than the original confrontation that could have happened to avoid the whole mess and the other person in this relationship might feel very blindsided by the entire outburst

And now what started as a tiny miniscule thing has been blown way out of proportion and will take a lot more work to resolve, providing the relationship hasn’t been completely broken by your bottled up emotions and inability to confront and communicate, resulting in you saying or doing things out of retaliation

If we were to at this from the other side where you’re the person who isn’t being communicated to and all of a sudden you notice a particular relationship in your life is not showing up in the same way that it has been

Let’s say you feel left out or in the dark and you have no idea why this is happening and now you’re feeling insecure and vulnerable with no actual reason that you can think of

When you go to confront this person, you might still be left with no answers because nothing specifically large happened recently and what you don’t know is that this other person has been slowly bottling up one thing after another

And now your relationship is rocky and can go in one of two directions – you can confront this person with what’s going on and resolve any past issue that they bring up and this is the direction I’m going to teach you how to communicate and encourage you to take or you could be just as avoidant as the other person and your relationship slowly diminishes away

I would also like to add that if you are at a mature place in your life to communicate, but the other person isn’t then the likelihood of the communication not going well is higher

However, you cannot control how another person reacts to a situation or a confrontation, you can only control yourself and the part you play in that relationship

So it is up to you if you want to believe you did everything you could to rekindle your relationship, which means effectively communicating, or if you would like to avoid all confrontation possible and then you’re just as bad as the person not communicating the original issues

I support you in either choice, except I know you want to learn how to communicate effectively, otherwise you would not have clicked this episode to listen to!

Besides, communicating properly is a key component to solid relationships and adulting so I’m very glad you’re here listening to me explain just how you can strengthen this part of yourself, and thereby strengthening the relationships in your life

Another important thing to note when it comes to interacting with others is that our perception of reality stems from our past and you should never invalidate someone’s feelings simply because it’s not a big deal to you

For example, you could have a life altering event happen to you so by comparison this incident doesn’t seem significant, whereas for the other person this is the life altering event

Working to get on the same page as the other person and see the world through their eyes will help you to understand how this situation is impacting them on a greater level than it is to you

Now, part of effective communication is effective listening and is step 1 in the 3 step process that comes with having a coherent conversation where both parties feel heard and understood

Before we get into the whole process, I want you to fully understand that everyone believes they’re right and they are, in their own mind so your goal becomes understanding what they believe their truth is, asking for your own truth to be heard, and then coming to a compromise or a solution based on the findings and understandings of both parties

Again relating back to everyone’s different perception of reality based on past occurrences in their lives

The steps and tactics I’ll be providing you will help limit the cyclical arguments that would otherwise occur

Maybe you can recall a fight with someone where you feel you guys are just talking in circles and nothing is actually coming to fruition, but rather increasing both of your tempers and that’s part of what we’re working to avoid

You see, when you’re the one initiating the conversation that needs to occur you need to try your hardest to mitigate any defense response that might happen with the other person

The best way to decrease that possibility is to hear them out first

According to Dale Carnegie, step 1 in having a productive conversation is to explore the other person’s point of view. This is where you practice stepping into the other person’s shoes and see where they are coming from. Which is far easier said than done but what you want to make sure you’re doing is practice active listening

This reminds me of when I was in elementary school and we had this thing called giving 5 and it’s when you hold up your hand to signify you are active listening because each finger stood for something different that is all part of listening: it was you, your eyes, your ears, your mouth, and your undivided attention

So make sure you’re giving five when hearing the other person’s perspective

This step is often overlooked because we are so quick to want the other person to see where we’re coming from, but it is crucial when it comes to conflict resolution and ease of conversations

So step 1 of exploring the other person’s viewpoints can look like this:

Establish that you initiated the conversation to come to a mutual understanding first and then a resolution after you both hear each other out

Then bring up the subject at hand and ask for the other person’s help in understanding him or her 

This is when you practice your active listening and work really hard not to defend or disagree but simply hear them out

Listening is a participatory activity and involves engagement and fully understanding the words coming out of the other person’s mouth; so really make sure you’re not distracted by anything in your immediate environment

Listening means you are taking the words you are hearing and developing meaning behind it and asking questions accordingly to really develop their frame and see where they’re coming from

Then you’re going to repeat what the person is saying in your own words, so paraphrase to confirm your understanding and keep going back and forth until the other person agrees that what you are paraphrasing is the same message they are getting across

If you have difficulty in letting the other person finish what’s on their mind you can practice a little coaching technique called mirroring or parroting and it’s where you are repeating all of the words coming out of the other person’s mouth in your head 

This allows you to stay focused and engaged on the words they are saying rather than coming up with your response while they’re still talking, or worse, interrupting them before they’ve completed their sentence

Once you both agree that you have fully stepped into the other person’s shoes, then you can ask for a fair hearing in return

Which is getting the green light to move on to step 2 and that is explaining your viewpoint

If you rush step 1 then you are setting step 2 up for disaster, so you need to be really patient in helping the other person feel heard

Begin explaining your viewpoint with how the other person’s thoughts and feelings affect you – this is not placing blame or getting all defensive based on what the other person said in step 1, or the entire conflict in general, but rather sharing your emotions

Then moving on to explain your thoughts, desires, and feelings as your truth, not the truth

Oftentimes we believe we are right in our thoughts, feelings, and actions and that everyone should also know that we’re right; but more times than not your own frame has sculpted your viewpoint so that you think you are right and other people don’t see it that way, because they believe they are just as right 

So in step 2 you are sharing the truth in your reality; it doesn’t mean the other person is wrong, this is just what you believe to be true based on the information you’ve collected or the stories you’ve created in your head or even based on past events that have occurred in your life

If you are finding it difficult to get your feelings and thoughts across without placing blame try using this fill in the blank tool: when you do this, I feel this, and this is what I would like instead

For example, when you make fun of me, I feel hurt, and I would like for you to give me compliments instead

During step 2, you’re going to pull an uno reverse card from step 1, where you’re going to have the other person repeat your position in their own words and correct anything you believe to be inaccurate until you feel fully heard and understood by him or her

If you are using the fill in the blank tactic then asking them to repeat that simple sentence, attitude free, is how you know you feel heard

Please note, this is not the time to bring up past events; when you are coming to someone to communicate an issue you should only be referring to the issue at hand

It is very manipulative if you start to bring up past events whether resolved or unresolved, so try your hardest to stay on topic and you can ask for a new conversation about a past issue at a later date, NOT RIGHT NOW

Once you both can see where each other is coming from you can then move on to step 3 and that is creating a resolution

This is a collaborative effort, you guys now work to become one team and are looking at solving the problem

If you need to imagine it in your head let’s say you’re both sitting at opposite ends of a conference table and the table is the conflict; steps 1 and 2 are where you’re both at the opposite ends and in step 3 you come to the same side and look at the table together

Take turns brainstorming multiple options and if the solution is not obvious yet you can turn to a couple of different techniques:

• You can take a time out and plan to reconvene
• You can outsource a third party such as counseling or mediation
• You can separate and brainstorm independently and then come back
• You can take turn giving alternate solutions
• And you can even agree to disagree and still respect each other, feel fully heard, and go your separate ways on this issue, not on the relationship entirely; unless of course it’s that big of an issue that it is a make it or break it situation; in which case you could seek out a therapist or a coach to help mediate the situation and save the relationship

Now, you can successfully do all three of these steps, but if you don’t time it well, it can lead to absolute disaster

So here are my helpful tips that both parties need to be able to check off in order for this conversation to go as smoothly as possible

• Choose the right time as in when both parties are calm, sober, well rested, fed, and not distracted or multi-tasking in any way – which is why I also recommend this be done face to face
• Timing also has to do with when there are no recent emotions from the situation at hand still being felt so you need to wait before talking, but also knowing not to wait too long where you’re digging up a dead body because so much time as passed since the incident occurred

Believe me, I have had friends come at a confrontation from a very emotional state and they ended up saying far more hurtful things to me than what the original issue was

I’ve even gone and set a boundary to let the other person know I was upset and needed to calm down before we could talk about it and he did not respect that boundary and wanted to resolve things right then and there, again worsening the situation at hand

So you have to have to have to make sure you time it right for both parties

It’s not your world and we’re all living in it, we are all the main characters of our own worlds and it takes a sense of maturity and emotional intelligence to see the other person’s view and take their experience into consideration rather than doing what’s best for you and you only

Or risk having a very lonely life with surface level relationships 

• So timing is important and helps with making sure you both maintain a level head and neutral tone and avoid yelling, sarcasm, and cursing as that’s going to trigger the other person’s defensiveness
  • If this starts to happen you need to take control and call a timeout and reconvene when both of you have calmed back down – which might not be able to be the same day
• I mentioned part of this is step 2, but you need to stay on topic, this is not the time to bring up past incidences that fueled the present moment; you had your chance to bring it up then and you’re the one that waited too long and now it’s irrelevant – but you’re learning so now you know not to wait and let something fester, but rather confront the person who made you feel not so great
• And finally, take ownership for your damn actions; acknowledge where you faulted, because chances are if there is a disagreement, then you fucked up in some way as well; remember: it takes two to tango
  • So own up and apologize even if you don’t think what you did was worthy of an apology, this is part of growing up and maturing

I’m going to be honest, I recently lost a friend dear to my heart as  result of poor communication abilities

At first it was zero communication as to what bothered him and when I asked to talk, I applied the tactics I just shared with you; I had him go first, then I went, and then we worked to come up with a solution to save the friendship

But, a few days after the conversation I realized he told me what I wanted to hear to avoid deeper conflict, and then is his further actions didn’t match the words that came out of his mouth

Because here’s the thing, you can do all of the effective communicating as you’re able to, but it’s your actions that really express what’s going on

I used to think the saying actions speak louder than words was in regards to physically hurting or helping someone, but it’s not really that at all; it’s how you are physically showing up in your relationships that speak louder than the words you’re saying and vice versa; how someone else is showing up in your life rather than the words they are saying

It comes down to one thing; actions over apologies

You could have someone say everything you want to hear, but if they aren’t putting an action behind their words to support what they mean then that’s where their true colors shine – don’t get tunnel vision from what you’re hearing as what you’re seeing is telling the true story

Effectively communicating is the first part of clearing the air to any conflict or situation that is preventing you from feeling like you are living your best life, but if they aren’t showing up in the resolution you both came to then that’s what becomes far more important and the same goes for you as well

Your ability to communicate will make or break any type of relationship you want to have in your life and as humans we are social creatures and need meaningful people in our lives to make our hearts feel full

So don’t fuck up a relationship because you don’t have the guts to talk about what’s bothering you, no matter how miniscule you think it is

Final thing, and I’ll admit this is something that is tough for me to do, go right to the source when something is bothering you

Don’t spread the drama to everyone before things have been worked on to be resolved, unless you need help seeing it from a different frame or processing it, rather than talking shit and airing out your dirty laundry for the world to see

You can talk it out to your best friend, your mom, your coach, or your therapist if you need help processing and calming down to be able to take action, but this is not you talking shit this is asking for help with the goal to walk away with a plan

I’m always here if you need a set of listening ears and help coming up with an action to take or practice with the conversation that is needing to be had, so please reach out to me and I’ll help you gain clarity and direction

These types of tough conversations are a part of life and growing up and maturing, but they take practice to be carried out effectively and will only serve to benefit you in the long run

So right the tips down that I just gave you, relisten to the episode if you need to, but take this topic seriously

It is part of your self-growth journey and an important part to any relationship that goes below surface level that you’ll ever encounter

And with that, I want to thank you for listening to another episode of How To Twenty Something, I hope you gained insight into how to salvage your relationships and use effective communication to your benefit

If you like what you heard, go ahead and leave a review and rating and hit subscribe so you can be notified the second next week’s episode drops

I wish you a wonderful rest of your week and I’ll be in your head phones again on Monday, talk soon!