Dealing with life changes in your twenties

Welcome back to how to twenty-something where today’s topic is all about dealing with life changes and this is different then the shared experiences episode 

Because although a lot of shared experiences bring about change and the uncertainties that come with it, that episode was designed to normalize what we’re all going through throughout our twenties

This episode is more about your mindset and relationship to things changing, whether that change is planned or unplanned

You see, we all desire change, we all know personal growth and development does not happen without change, we also know that in order to improve what you’re currently experiencing you need to make a change somewhere

Yet, when it comes time to actually make said change, we panic and cue in our fight flight or freeze survival mechanisms

Change is uncomfortable because it’s forcing you to step into a newer version of yourself that you have yet to explored and as I’ve said many times before, that unfamiliarity is terrifying to your brain so it’s natural inclination is to resist it at all costs and convince you that where you’re at right now is perfectly fine… even when it’s not

But when you think about it, change is everywhere

It’s in the seasons, like right now it’s October, and the leaves are changing colors

It’s in nature where a caterpillar has to change into a beautiful butterfly

It’s in your life as you move from elementary school to middle school, middle to high, high school to college, and then out into the real world

And while I know these types of changes are expected and gradual and consistent time after time, it still exemplifies how unavoidable change is and how you’re not alone when you’re experiencing your own versions of change and resistance to it

In your twenties, it’s everywhere and impossible to outrun or else you risk your mental health plummeting

I did a workshop, literally a year ago, last October, on change and it was centered around how change is a choice and by that I mean you get to choose how you view the changes happening in your life

As in are they happening to you or for you and I know that is such a redundant statement and I hate it when people say it to me, but it’s true especially when it comes to changes that lie outside of your control

Because there are two different types of change: the ones you choose, and the ones that just happen

For example, you can choose to move, you can choose to leave a relationship or get in one, you can choose a different career path, you can choose to stop hanging out with some people, you can choose to move in with your partner, you can choose to buy a house, you can choose your hobbies, what you do with your time, what adventure you want to go and so on and so forth

You can’t choose losing your job, being broken up with, someone treating you poorly, your work demanding you be back in office, your friends not inviting you out anymore and anything else you think of

Most of the time the changes out of our hands usually lean on the negative side of experiences and the ones that we decide on are more positive because it’s a form of planned personal growth rather than forced

It comes from a sense of control, we all want to feel in control of our life and what we’re experiencing and sometimes that’s just not possible

But what we can control is how we respond to the situation at hand

When a change is happening that is undesirable and out of our hands we have two choices: sit and sulk or do something about it

And sure sometimes you have to sit and sulk first and then go do something but in my experience of working with twenty-somethings and being a twenty-something myself, the sitting and sulking usually takes up a lot more time than we originally intended and we can get caught up in it, preventing us from taking necessary action that will help move us forward and adapt us to our changing environment

So this episode is to help you do something about the changes you’re experiencing

One thing I do know for certain, is that your ability to be adaptable to the changes occurring or I guess be more resilient to them does come with time and practice

Your twenties are the first time you’re experiencing these major changes all on your own, so you need to begin with acknowledging that and to stop being so damn hard on yourself for not knowing what to do

And not all of these changes are negative, like the very first one you’re probably going to experience is moving out on your own and being financially responsible for yourself, that’s an exciting change, a bit scary, but exciting nonetheless 

Mom and dad are not there to cook you dinner, make sure you’re staying healthy, or showing up to work on time – it’s all on you

Regardless of whether the change you’re thinking of is negative or positive it is still something unfamiliar and that’s what’s scary

Because you have yet to navigate these territories

It’s like if you went on a brand new hike, there’s no map yet, there’s no path to follow, you don’t know if you make a turn and see a bear, or reach the end of the cliff, you’re walking through unchartered territories and you need to take things slow, rather than sprint through and hope you come out on the other side scotch free

But the more times you go on this hike, the more familiar it’s going to be and the more clear a path is being made and you’ll even be able to know if you turn left it’s the edge of a cliff so don’t turn left

I’ve personally experienced a lot of change in the first 3 years of graduating college from moving out on my own, to losing my job, pivoting careers and building a business, leaving a relationship, moving to a new city and state, and finding/creating a new friend group

There are a lot of micro changes that have happened within each of those transitions like moving to a different apartment in Orlando, going from unemployed to a new corporate job to self employed, changes in my schedule, changes in my diet as I became allergic to dairy, etc

But when it comes to change, whether it’s exciting and expected or awful and unexpected you’re going to be unsure as to what the hell you’re even doing

Your approach to it, whatever it may be, is all in your mind

And similar to how we view and experience fear, our brains only function is to keep us alive, to survive, and while the change you might be experiencing will not actually kill you it’s the fear of the unknown that is going to make you tremble

Even if you know this change will not mark the end of your demise like if it’s getting a new job, your brain is going to fight you every step of the way until it knows for certain that you will live through this moment

Any negative emotion you feel towards this change that is occurring is totally valid, it’s going to make you uncomfortable but it’s also a natural part of life

And it’s important to note that if you test out something new and realize you hate it, you’re an adult now and you can leave that situation or experience

As long as you can confidently say you gave it your best shot

I will say, a majority of the discomfort that accompanies change is the lack of information you have around this something new

Meaning, you need to ask either yourself or, if there’s another person involved, then ask them questions

Questions that come in the form of what, how, and why

You need to gather all of the information as you can to get your brain on board and minimize the unknowns

So some questions can be why you are making this change, what are all the ways it will benefit you so you feel encouraged to continue on rather than scared because it’s unchartered territories, and how can you stay on board 

I’ll give two examples one for when a change occurring is your doing and one where it’s not

The first one is when I planned to leave my job, we all know i chose to leave my job and pursue my business unless this is the very first episode you’re listening to then hi and welcome, and in 2022 I left my full time job and moved from Orlando to Charlotte to pursue my business as a life and nutrition coach for young adults

When I did that, there were a lot of changes happening at once: my source of income was changing, my daily schedule was changing, my location and environment, my gym, the people I was hanging out with, literally every area of my life was changing and I was the one in charge of this change

I knew it was coming since April of 2021 and I had some mixed feelings around this decision

I was excited yet terrified as to whether or not this would all pan out in my favor or if I would have to return to the corporate world with my tail between my legs

So I took to asking and answering questions for myself and they were as follows:

My why question is why am I doing this? And the answer is because this is my passion this is what makes my heart so happy and sitting behind a desk working for someone else feels soul sucking

That I would rather take the risk and lose it all than live a life out of purpose and full of regret

My what question is what am I going to do if I see myself blowing through my savings and the answer is find other ways to make money if I can’t make it doing this business alone

Maybe this is picking up side interior design work like I did last fall, walking dogs, babysitting, or personal training which is what I’m doing right now

There’s actually a little exercise you can do to help your brain around making money if you’re listening and want to be able to ditch the corporate world for your own thing

And it’s called 50 ways and what you do is set a timer for 20 minutes and try to come up with 50 different ways you can make money based on your interests, skills, ideas, literally anything from being unrealistic for yourself, or myself, when I say this, like selling your underwear to men in prison to something more realistic like babysitting

You probably won’t get to 50 but it will help you take a step back and see all of the different ways you can fund your life

Then you’ll go through the list and highlight the ones that are actually reasonable and you would be willing to do

Tangent aside, those are the why and what questions

My how question is how will this be possible? To which I respond with don’t spend money foolishly, hire a business coach, and try your damned hardest to succeed and I did all of that and continue to do those things

Those questions helped me get more behind this decision, yes the feelings of nervousness, fear, maybe even doubt will continue to surface even a 2.5 years after I made this choice to change my entire life

But I can keep reminding myself of these questions and answers to calm my brain down from wanting to run the other direction and feel confident in continuing to pursue this change

And this year, 2024 has been an extremely successful year for me so far and I could not be more proud of the growth and development I’ve experienced in myself and in my business

But again, it doesn’t mean those moments of self-doubt or fear are forever gone, but they do keep me humble

This exercise also helps me connect back to my genius brain that is helping me make an aligned decision with my passion

Because we have two types of brain: your human brain and your genius one, your genius one is what decided to make the change in the first place and your human one is what’s wanting to hold you back and wanting you to play it safe

The resistance you feel or the negative emotions that come up around making this change that you’re deciding to make is your human brain trying to talk you out of it

Any positive emotions, like for me it’s my excitement and sense of fulfillment, are great reminders of all of the good things that are to come by following through with this change

When the change that is occurring is unexpected or out of your control, the question asking might have to be to someone involved and not to yourself so you get the answers and information you need

For example, a new client came to me when he found out he was about to lose his job

Two weeks before his mid year review his manager told him that it’s in his best interest to start looking for a new job

Losing your job is probably one of the most defeating moments in adulthood and usually comes in the form of being blindsided

I think losing a relationship you thought you were going to be in for forever is also tied for first

But this client came to me right before his mid year review was going to take place and we got to come up with these questions that he needed to ask at the review and also himself

I had him ask his boss what happens next, as in how long will this process take, when is my last paycheck, when does my health insurance run out, what are the next steps I need to take to close this door

I had him ask why is this happening, well he knew why, he knew that this wasn’t a job he really wanted and wasn’t performing to the standards his boss required

So this why question was more so to gather information of where he can improve and what he exceeded in to prevent this from happening in a future job – meaning asking for his strengths and weakness 

And the how question is where I come in, how can he best prepare for this job loss and how can he take care of his mental health so he doesn’t lose himself in the process

So these questions can be a mix and match of outsourcing and insourcing 

But gathering as much information as you can will help your brain think more logically rather than based on assumption or guess

Sometimes you might not even know you needed some of the information you’re collecting through this question asking process

And that’s why we do it

But you need to understand the Why behind the changes to help with your own compliance, the why, what, and how will help your brain get a better grasp behind what is going on and the unfamiliarity and negative emotions that arise with it

Because here’s the thing, at the end of the day change is good for you, you can’t grow where you’re comfortable and change forces you to step into the discomfort

Change is also going to help you achieve a different outcome

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to predict as to whether that outcome will be good or bad but at least you are doing something to achieve a different result

Otherwise you fall into Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity where you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result

So once you ask these questions, calm your brain down, and get to place where you can think at least a little more rationally, then it’s time for you to do one thing that is within your control to move through this change

When things are changing it’s easy to fall out of control of what’s happening, but you need to get in the habit of taking charge of your life and everything that’s happening in it

It’s why my transformational system that I take my clients through is called Own Your Life because by the end of us working together you will be able to take full charge and ownership in what’s happening

You are the common denominator to everything that happens in your life, all the good things and the bad things

Embracing the changes happening in your life are only going to make you stronger, thereby improving your quality of life as you continue on your never ending personal growth journey that is accompanied with never ending changes – annoying, I know

But this is what it means to be able to embrace the big changes that occur in your life and how change is a choice, you get to choose how you look at the situation and where to go from there

It can either consume you or help you grow

The world is constantly changing, it’s evolving, and you’re ability to take charge of what’s happening in your own life is crucial to your ability to keep up with the world around you

Otherwise you get caught up in victim mode and play the blame game where it’s always something or someone else’s fault 

And honestly, sometimes it is someone else’s doing, but it’s what you do with that experience that matters

I always go back to last summer when I was at the peak of my depression and in the midst of my friendship break up

I kept blaming this person for what was going on in my life, when the truth is, the incident is a reflection of him and his character, but the depression, the waiting game of hoping to be invited somewhere by someone else in that friend group, and the feeling sorry for myself, that was all on me

My business taking a hit as a result is on me

Yes I needed time to heal and I was honestly completely unaware that I was self-sabotaging in this way, but looking back to last summer, everything that happened after this person lied to me and completely abandoned me after 8 years of friendship IS. ON. ME.

I was in charge of finding new friends for myself and changing the way I view friends, my life, and myself and once I did get a grip on that level of control, the change came more naturally

Change is going to continue happening in your life whether you like it or not

You’re going to have different relationships, different friends, different jobs, different interests, and different seasons in your life that will either be your direct choice or something that just happens

Regardless of what it is this change is going to force you to pivot and enter unchartered territories 

But hopefully by now you’re able to better understand how you can deal with these never ending life changes so they don’t overpower you but help you grow and evolve into your next version

And if you need help navigating these waters, then please reach out to me, one of the biggest things I help my clients with is their confidence around a major transition that’s happening in their life

So if you listened to this episode and want the hand holding I provide so you don’t have to do this all on your own and have it take 3x as long to figure out, then go ahead and click the let’s chat link in the show notes and schedule a time to talk to me

Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, thank you for being such a committed listener for this 70th episode

If you liked what you heard, if you know someone who is going through a major change in their life or is about to, or if you want to support me and the growth of how to twenty-something then please share this episode, post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode