You need to be more picky

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is about being more picky

I remember I was once talking to some girl.. Like a literal stranger and we were talking about dating and I said yeah everyone tells me I’m too picky and she corrected me and goes you’re not too picky you just have high standards

So if that’s not a good enough reframe to tell you to be more picky then i don’t know what is, but all i’m saying is it’s time to raise your own standards

In friendships, in dating, in yourself, in your career… everywhere

You’re allowed to be selective over who and what you allow into your life and that’s exactly what this episode is going to highlight across these various aspects

I know you already know that you want to have standards when it comes to dating, but why are we only stopping there

All of your relationships in your life impact the way you feel about yourself

So yes, friendships require standards, your job requires standards, and how treat yourself also has its own set of standards

Now, what i will say is that everyone has different standards for what they are willing to tolerate from someone else and it’s not to say they don’t have self worth

It usually means that haven’t had to raise their standards because no one has mistreated them in a way that makes them re-evaluate

… and it’s possible they also have low self worth

Over the last few years, I’ve learned to be more picky with my friendships because I keep befriending the same kind of people and be oblivious to their patterns

Until the pattern shows itself between the two of us

And with each friendship I’m learning more and more about what I’m looking for in a friend

Which also looks like knowing what red flags to look out for

Because remember, how we build any relationship is all the same.. We’re just so hyper focused on romantic relationships that we forget friendships and working relationships are just the same

You need to know the red flags you want to avoid

Yes there is the obvious, this person is just shitty

But there’s also the less obvious ones like flaking on plans, tiny lies about a story to make it more dramatic, poor response time.. If they respond at all

And as I’ve gotten older I’ve started cutting people off from the start based on how they show up because they’re not going to change.. Their true colors are already showing

Example being, I met this girl in the fall and we had so much in common and really hit it off

Well the first time we went to schedule plans she canceled day of and rescheduled

For me canceling day of is not cool, BUT if you make the effort to reschedule then I’m still open to a friendships because life happens sometimes and i’m not some cold hearted bitch

Well fast forward to plans we made a month in advance to take a half day 

We texted the week prior to confirm it was still happening

And the day before I texted her what time I was planning on coming over and she responded with oh I actually went today instead

And didn’t have the decency to tell me we’re not going anymore when that was supposed to take a half a day to go do

I asked her if she wanted to get lunch or something then instead since I didn’t have anything else going on… since for a whole month that was my plan for that saturday 

And she said she was exhausted so no and then never apologized or offered a new hangout 

So she’s gone.. Not an enemy but she’ll remain more of an acquaintance 

We were too new of friends for that behavior to even be somewhat tolerated.. That’s just not how you treat people

Or I guess that’s not how I treat people and I treat people the way I want to be treated

I have one less potential friend to invest in because I’m being picky in who I open my heart to

And I want you to be able to do the same

I think the reason why we don’t do this is because we come from a place of scarcity and insecurity

Where we want someone to like us so badly so we’re going to keep chasing something that was never meant for us

We want all the friends so we’re willing to put up with more things than not so we can have these so called friends

When what’s really happening is you’re hurting your own feelings when you invest so much into this other person that wasn’t interested in the first place

You’ve done this with dating, I know you have

And because how you do one thing is how you do everything, you’re doing it in your friendships too

I take people at face value and if you don’t want to hang out with me, that’s fine.. I’ll hang out alone, with my boyfriend, or find someone new

But it took a while for me to get to this place and I finally got there when I was completely fed up with falling into bad friendships and knew my own standards

That maybe were good at first and then they turned

Looking back i can see that there were some red flags flying around from the get go

Like dropping friends because newer, cooler people came around

Or when drama would erupt, it would be everyone else’s fault and not this other persons

Or flaking on plans

Or not answering texts for days if not weeks because no one is THAT busy

Raise your standards

Pick the friends who celebrate you, like when my friend courtney brought me these beautiful flowers an entire month after landing my ted talk but it was the first time we got to see each other with all of our traveling

Pick the friends who will hear you vent

Pick the friends who will pick you up off the floor when you’re down bad

Pick the friends who will fully hear you out when they did something that hurt you and not turn it around and say something that you did to hurt them

I had this one friend, where whenever I would bring up something that upset me she would get upset that I told her she hurt me and then make it about her

Her perspective would be like I hurt your feelings with the action I did and your response hurt my feelings.. Which is so not okay 

And whoever you pick as your friends, carry it over into who you date

Ryan makes it so easy to come to him when he’s done something that upsets me, we resolve it in 2 minutes and then we’re good

It’s never brought up again, the subject doesn’t change, it’s the two of us resolving something together 

And when you develop the relationships in your life that are healthy, that both you and the other person have done the work on themselves and can effectively communicate which also means effectively listen, you are going to only want to accept that level of treatment from everyone else

I find it’s much easier to be more selective over who you date than it is who you befriend because it’s a more personal, vulnerable relationship and a full partnership you are nurturing

Which is why whatever standards you’ve set while dating needs to be carried over to your friends

You don’t date the person who barely responds back to your texts

The person who never takes the initiative for plans

The person who only talks about themselves and never asks about you

The person who talks poorly about other people

The person who drops plans day of

And if you are dating people like that and chasing them because you want them to want you in return, then one you need to do as this episode says and be more picky, and two you need to level yourself up

You deserve better treatment than that because clearly that person does not care about you in the way you care about them

Because if that’s the way they treat you then they aren’t interested in pursuing you

Believe me when I tell you this: you should never ever ever feel unclear or unsure with where you stand in someone else’s eyes

Ambiguity means disinterest

When you don’t know, you know they’re not for you

And that goes for everyone

Yes relationships take time to develop and nurture and you aren’t immediately moved to someone’s top priority, but there is a level of care that should remain present across all phases of building a relationship

Dating or friends.. It doesn’t matter

They are one in the same and you need to start treating them as such

Now, when it comes to your career

How hr treats you, your boss, your coworkers, the work you’re doing.. You also need to be more picky

If you’re miserable at work, your life is going to be miserable.. Point blank

It takes up so much of your time so raise your standards

Now I’m not saying quit your job, in the same way i’m saying break off the friendships and romantic relationships that aren’t meeting your level of treatment

Actually, in any of these circumstances, it’s always going to work best if you do everything that’s in your control first

Communicate what’s going on, what your experience is, and what you would like instead and see what the other person has to say about it

Because sometimes it’s a compatibility issue

Where you require a certain level from a relationship and no matter how hard they try they can’t maintain that same level you require

And that’s okay 

I know one of my friends and her boyfriend run into this a lot where he says something along the lines of , “it’s like no matter how hard I try, it’s never going to be enough”

And it’s true.. It isn’t enough

Because he could very well be giving you everything he has, an absolute 100% at all times, but it only reaches about 50% of what you need

That your 100% and his 100% are not the same no matter how hard each of you try to make it work.. It is a compatibility issue and that goes hand in hand with your standards and you allowing yourself to be more picky

Because you could love every part of this person and it still is not going to work

You just have to be strong enough to walk away.. Not necessarily because anything is blaringly wrong, but because it’s never going to feel fully right

Okay, left the topic of career for a sec, so coming back

I’ve talked a lot about your non-negotiables in other episodes, especially in the one that talks about being unhappy from the other week, and that’s kind of where pickiness comes into play overall

So you need to know yours in regards to your career and ask yourself what are you willing to tolerate

Some good questions to ask in regards to your work and in regards to all of your relationships include:

What am I constantly complaining about

When do I feel drained?

And what do I refuse to tolerate in my other relationships

Because just like friendships, we excuse a lot of bad behavior in the workplace

Especially in our twenties since we’re the bottom of the food chain and figure this is a rite of passage.. When it’s not

Like, you should not be spoken to disrespectfully 

My last full-time job had an hr lady.. Leslie.. and this woman was power hungry and felt she had full say over my schedule and when I could work from home versus not

When the way my company was structured was as long as your supervisor approved it and knew where you were then you were good to go

Leslie didn’t like that I knew she had no say and would treat me like shit, go to the vp and tell him that I’m not doing my work or I’m being toxic when I was a grade a employee and stand by that

Luckily, I already knew I was leaving to pursue my own business and 6 months after I left leslie got fired so in your face leslie from hr

Now, I never spoke up for myself to someone other than talking back to leslie since she had no power over me in the way she thought she did

But if I could do it again, I would make other important people aware of the way she treated me and would single me out and lie

You’re allowed to speak up for yourself and if your company doesn’t hear what you have to say, then maybe it’s time to start looking for a new one

All in all, being picky doesn’t mean drop everyone and everything for how you’ve interpreted a situation

Or quit the second something feels hard

But it does mean go into a relationship with a set of standards that are important to you and walk away when it’s not a good fit

Always try to communicate the changes you want to see in this partnership first and if actions don’t follow words then you’ll have your answer as to whether or not this is right for you

You’re not being dramatic or unrealistic as long as you’re able to decipher what feels good to you

It’s about noticing when you’re constantly drained, confused, anxious, or disappointed.. and then realizing that those feelings aren’t random

It’s learning to stop abandoning yourself just to keep other people around you because you’re worried of the opposite happening.. Having no one around you

Where someone is better than no one

However, the wrong someone is not better than no one

So yes, being picky might mean you have a smaller circle, uncomfortable conversations, and walking away from relationships that aren’t ‘that bad’

But it also means you’re living a life that is healthy for you

And as that random stranger once told me a few years back, you’re not being too picky, you have high standards and there is nothing wrong with that

Because remember, if you’re for everyone than you’re for no one

So be selective around the people you are for and you’ll be a lot happier and a lot less confused or anxious as a result

And that is how I’m going to conclude this episode of how to twenty-something

So if you liked what you heard, learned something new, are claiming your pickiness as a good thing, or know someone who needs to be more picky, then please share this episode

Send it to a friend, post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

Just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings in the world who are navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week, with another brand new episode