What are your non-negotiables

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is all about your non-negotiables

That means the standards or values you are unwilling to compromise on regardless of external factors or people

They are the foundation to your decision making abilities as they serve to protect what is most important to you

And they are are necessary for creating a life that is in alignment with you, what you want, and what you believe

Your non-negotiables are what you deem to be the most important aspects of your life and will differ depending on the topic of conversation

From day to day tasks, to what you require from a career, to what you require out of your relationships

It’s a form of setting standards and boundaries for yourself and that includes the people around you

I teach daily non-negotiables to all of my clients and coach them around how they need to adjust their schedule and priorities to include and enforce them

For example, if a client says they want to take better care of themselves but are constantly giving into peer pressure to go out drinking with their buddies every weekend then what they want is not in alignment with how they act

But when we get really clear on their why, like in this example why do they want to take better care of themselves, it helps to enforce the better actions they can take or the balance they can create in their life so they take care of themselves while also letting them have fun

Our non-negotiable conversations are also in congruence with the goals they set with me at the beginning of our coaching partnership 

So depending on those goals and what other categories of life we are focusing on within our coaching container, will determine where else we need to dive into more non-negotiables and how they apply or show up

This episode is going to break down each of the categories you can and definitely need to be creating standards for, what that looks like, and of course why this is important for your success and adulting life as a whole

Now, before I delve into each category, I want to begin by saying two things

One: what you have decided to be your non-negotiables regardless of the category you are referring to, can and probably will change with time 

I know that might sound obvious, but what it really means is have check ins with yourself every year or so and see if anything has changed, then adjust accordingly

Did you experience something where you refuse to go through something similar again so now you keep an eye out for a red flag that leans towards that situation?

Or maybe you realized one of your non-negotiables isn’t a non-negotiable but rather a preference instead?

I’ll use my dating life for example

I have a first date non-negotiable where the guy has to plan a first date and this stems from my ex’s inability to plan anything

Whereas, something like height is a preference but not a deal breaker, but I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is married and she said absolutely height is a dealbreaker for her

My negotiables differ from hers because we have different experiences, neither are right or wrong, it’s solely dependent on you as the individual

While I’m planning this episode out, and actually the reason why I decided to make an episode on this topic, is because I posted on tiktok my dating non-negotiables that have nothing to do with appearance

And the comments went off the rails

Mind you these comments are all men, but they ranged from wow these are reasonable and realistic to you’re going to die alone

Like what!?

Bringing me to the second part I wanted to discuss before I dive into the categories and examples, and that is don’t let anyone tell you your negotiables are too much, too rigid, too unrealistic, too anything

If they make sense to you, if they are realistic to you, if they represent self worth and self love and all things peace then who gives a shit what someone else thinks

These are your standards, your guidelines, your rules to live by and they will not harm anyone else.. It might upset some people, others might have opinions but you know yourself the best, so stick to your guns with what you know is going to serve you the best

I got lucky with my post, because I posted something I feel very sure about, very secure about, so when I got those negative comments I was completely and totally unphased

In fact, I laughed at how ridiculous these men in my comments were for having the audacity to tell me I’m being unreasonable

Which actually, I’ll tell you what they are right now and they have not wavered since I left my ex as he unknowingly helped me come up with what I am willing and unwilling to accept in a partner

I will say these are also based on healthy relationships I am surrounded by with my friends, but without further adieu, here are my dating non-negotiables and they are in no particular order

I am looking for a man who is financially responsible, has a secure attachment style, is communicative, cares about his health so he has a consistent gym regimen and eats mostly whole foods, I want someone who growth minded, stable, and independent

Now I could go into further detail with each of the things I listed, for example, a consistent gym regimen means he has a schedule and adheres to it.. It does not mean 7 days a week or anything like that.. But rather consistent

These are qualities that are extremely important to me in a partner because they are important to me and how I show up in my life

Why wouldn’t I want my partner to show up in a similar way

Relationship non-negotiables help you know who is for you long term

They also represent values so when I meet a guy who has these qualities I know that we share the same values and that is crucial to the success of any relationship

Now there are other things I look for but they are not my non-negotiables they are my preferences so there is some bend with them

Obviously I want someone who treats me with respect, that I can depend on, that makes me feel special and wanted, that makes me laugh

But you’re not fully going to grasp those things on a first or second date

You will, however, get a very good idea of your non-negotiables through asking questions and getting to know them and if your lives complement one another

Yes you are two separate people living two separate lives, but it’s much easier to become a team, to grow together, when you are already aligned on some very important factors

Factors that are important to you, regardless of anyone else coming into or out of the picture

Other examples of non-negotiables with dating can include religion, whether you want someone who is religious or you want someone who isn’t religious 

Same thing with politics, how important is politics to you and do you want a partner who is on the same page as you whether that be political party or importance overall

Now those two things are not as commonly discussed on a first or second date but it’s not to say they can’t be, especially if it’s really important to you

Because what I don’t want for you is to be afraid of voicing what you’re looking for out of fear that they’re going to walk away

If they walk away then please reference my rejection episode because it just means they are not the one for you

Because you cannot say or do the wrong thing to the right person and that is the most important thing to keep in mind when carving out how your non-negotiables fit with your current life and environment and also compared to what you are wanting to create for yourself

Relationships are extremely important and who you decide to spend your life with will determine your level of happiness and fulfillment, so come up with your own list of relationship non-negotiables

The things you absolutely will not waiver from, no matter how attractive or rich or insert whatever superficial trait, a potential mate has

On the topic of relationships, your friendships can also have non-negotiables

My best friend bri loves to say two things: one is your network is your net worth and the other is you are the combination of the five people you most surround yourself with

Meaning, you need standards across your friendships

These are the people you confide in, who are there for you through and through, who are standing with you on your wedding day or are picking you up off the bathroom floor after a heartbreak

Especially as you move through your twenties

There’s going to be a lot of ups and downs throughout life, and this decade, in particular, so who are you cultivating relationships with that will be there to celebrate your highest highs and support you on your lowest lows

I’ll admit, friendships don’t come easy to me but the friendships I have developed more recently are my most valuable assets

I have 4 people in charlotte with me, and then two friends I’ve known since I was 13

Those are my people and I turn to them for different things based on my relationship with them

Like as i’m recording this episode I’m one week out from dying with the flu and Bri was the only friend that I accepted help from when I could barely get out of bed

She came over for 2.5 hours and I slept the entire time

But these four people became my circle because they are all growth minded, caring, supportive of my business, health-oriented, and communicative

Yes there’s some overlap to who I would date and it’s because it’s a standard i’ve set across all aspects of my life

I even explain to my clients how important communication with me is and I also know that most twenty-somethings are terrible communicators because no one taught you how to do it

So I would happily teach you how to communicate, I have an episode on effective communication, I think it’s episode 3 or 4 so one of my earlier ones and/or you can read my favorite resource for this topic which is Listen by Dale Carnegie

But friendship non-negotiables are going to develop as you move through your twenties

They are going to go from wanting friends who go out or are included in large group gatherings to wanting friends you can have deep conversations with 1:1

There’s a weird shift in adulting friendships that happens that no one really talks about

But you’re going to go through many cycles of friendships as you figure out what you’re looking for and who fits the bill

You’re probably going to outgrow the people you went to high school with and even college, because you’re going to become a different person and require different people in your life

In other words, as you grow and change, your friendships will grow and change

Sure some people will be for lifers, but not everyone, you’re lucky if you have 1 or 2 people that fall into that category

So know what you’re looking for in a friend, what is your definition of a good friend and do you also fit that definition with the way you show up in your friendships

This could range from drinking habits, interests, schedules, how they treat a waiter or waitress, their mindset, even who they date

I’ve befriended people that I liked at first but then slowly realized they have a very sour outlook on life and I don’t want that energy around me

One old friend in particular always has an ‘everyone’s out to get me’ mindset

And the other would only be there for you when your life was worse off than hers

Now these characteristics weren’t immediately there but once a friendship forms and you start to spend more time together, communicate more, and let your guards down some undesirable traits might begin to surface

In which case, it’s on you to distance yourself from this person.. In my experience with the two people I just mentioned, not making the initiative to hang out or going the extra mile to coordinate plans does help the fizzle 

You could also communicate to them that you won’t be around as much anymore and either tell them straight up or explain that you are working on yourself and want to create healthier more positive environments

It’s going to be an uncomfortable conversation for sure, but you don’t need to ghost anyone you can just slowly loosen the grips on this friendship and let time create the distance

But, go by the famous saying: treat others the way you want to be treated

And you’ll develop relationships that are good for you

Non-negotiables in regards to your career are just as important as the ones you create across your relationships

To remind you, non-negotiables represent your own self-worth and your resistance to settling for anything less

Some non-negotiables in your career can include your salary, whether you’re working remote, hybrid, or fully in office, company culture, opportunities for growth, whether travel is required, location, benefits, the actual work itself

I settled in my first job out of school and i’ve talked about this many times before on this podcast

But basically I was an interior designer and my design preferences were corporate, entertainment, or residential 

The job I got was retail… I hate shopping

I wanted an office culture, in a big city, with competitive pay and what I got was no coworkers in my satellite office, 30 miles outside of Orlando, and really crappy pay of I think $19 an hour

I didn’t realize my preferences were my non-negotiables and it’s because I was desperate and stressed about finding a full time job

It’s a place I see my clients and friends get to all too often

It’s why I set non-negotiables with my clients within the first few sessions when they are able to think more clearly about what they want, before the desperation rolls in, because I know it will

The job hunt process is tiresome and stressful but it’s my job to coach them towards a job they want to be at for a decent amount of time and not a place they’ll come to loathe in 6 months

It’s so important to create this list for yourself and it’s why I taught it in my make your next move workshop from january

Which by the way, I have the replay for it so if you ever want to watch the call for yourself just shoot me an email by heading to the show notes and I’ll send the video your way

But you probably have some idea as to what you’re looking for out of your career and place of employment and that list is going to be refined with time because you’re going to have different jobs with different experiences that will help you understand what it is you’re looking for

Write your list down and post it up right next to your laptop as you go through your job search process so you don’t lose track of what you’re really looking for

A job that fits your needs, values, and quality of life

Your career non-negotiables will also help you apply to the right jobs and then ask the right questions in an interview so you know whether or not this job is a what you’re looking for

And feel confident about accepting the position

I had a client a few months ago say to me that she wants to move to Chicago, she currently lives in Charlotte

But her and I both talked about how she has outgrown this city and is ready for a new adventure

So she was looking for jobs in chicago and while doing so she had some places in charlotte reach out to her about open positions

She told me that she might take one of the charlotte positions and use it as a stepping stone and I told her not to

I explained to her that if she wants to move to chicago then she needs to accept a job in chicago and not take a lateral step here in charlotte

A different city was her non-negotiable that she determined for herself a few sessions prior to this conversation, so it became my job as her coach to hold her to that non-negotiable and not waiver because she needed a job

Her finances were controlled for her to be unemployed for a little bit and she needed to stick with her plan of getting out of her current city as it wasn’t a place she could grow in anymore

I’ve had another client tell me his non-negotiable is having a completely remote job so he and his girlfriend could travel around when they wanted to and he wouldn’t lose his job by doing so

Your career non-negotiables are crucial when it comes to the life you are wanting to build and to have in this present moment

Don’t let your fears or beliefs cause you to settle, write your non-negotiables when you have a level headed, abundance filled mindset because that’s a place where you can make fully aligned decisions

Up next is your non-negotiables in your health

This definitely shows up in the form of boundaries, that is the boundaries you set for yourself that protect you, your health and overall quality of life

It could be getting 8 hours of sleep every night, eating your bodyweight in protein, following a certain diet like ketogenic or intermittent fasting, lifting x amount of times a week, getting 10,000 steps a day, running however many miles, or even reading every night or every morning, drinking water before coffee, consuming 3 meals a day

Your health non-negotiables are the ways you show up for yourself regardless of what’s happening in your life

Like my friends know I probably won’t answer after 9pm because I have a non-negotiable with myself to be in bed and going to sleep

What differs about these non-negotiables is that they do waiver if a situation comes up but I would say that they ring true about 95% of the time

So more times than not you’re ensuring these needs are being met regardless of schedule changes, stressors, or competing demands

Non-negotiable means it’s not up for negotiation and that negotiation is something you are unwilling to compromise on because you know that by adhering to what you’ve deemed to be the most important to you will help you have balance in your life and maintain your own sanity

Bringing me to your daily non-negotiables which usually encompass a majority of your health ones but can also include other areas as well depending on your schedule

This is what I focus on the most with my clients because my twenty-somethings tend to forget everything the moment the weekend hits, but checking off your daily non-negotiables when your schedule is much more lax will help with that balance and more importantly, with achieving your goals and becoming a fully functioning adult

It’s why I made an episode a while ago called win your weekends

So your daily non-negotiables are the tasks, actions, boundaries, or standards that you carry out day in and day out

Doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation, if it’s a wednesday, or if it’s the weekend

They are the practices you commit to on a regular basis in order to maintain productivity, growth, and overall well-being

I’ll let you decide what you think should be incorporated to your daily life and why it’s important for you to show up in that way

But my example is my morning routine that I carry out every morning which consists of my to do list and some affirmation work

I wake up every day no matter what and run through the three wins I’m after that day because I know it starts my day on a positive note and helps me run through what I need to do that day and the different ways I need to show up

Maybe a non-negotiable for you is calling your mom every day

It can be anything that you do on a regular basis and is so ingrained in your routine, or you want ingrained in your routine that is going to help you be the best version of yourself and support your dreams, goals, and aspirations

They provide you with a sense of accomplishment so when you reflect back on the day you just had you know you showed up for yourself in the areas of your life that matter the most to you

Honestly all of your non-negotiables come together to help give you that sense of accomplishment while also maintaining peace and balance across all aspects of your life

You need them

You need to come up with the ones that are for you

I just gave you shit ton of examples so of course you can use the ones I’ve mentioned but seriously take a moment and think about what your own non-negotiables are and how you plan on maintaining them

And if you ever need help with them, as this is a key part of getting your shit together, then please know the link to my calendar is always going to be in the show notes for you to access and schedule a time to chat with me

Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, if you learned something new, if you’re ready to have your own list of non-negotiables now that you better understand what they are or know someone who needs help getting their shit together then please share this episode

Send it to a friend, share it on social media and of course tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode