It’s ok to be selfish.. Until it’s not

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today i’m going to be talking to you about taking your selfishness too far

I talk a lot about how this is the decade to be selfish, where you’re only responsible for yourself, you need to put yourself first, you don’t have a family to be responsible for, possibly not a significant other so it really is just you

The other part of it is you don’t want to be a people pleaser or get walked all over so you set boundaries and protect your peace and don’t get me wrong, those are good things

But what happens when you take it too far?

I think most of us can admit we’ve used the phrase ‘I’m just protecting my peace’ to justify something we didn’t really want to do. Maybe you canceled plans. Maybe you ghosted a friend. Maybe you just didn’t feel like showing up. And while sometimes that’s valid — sometimes, it’s not. And that’s what I want to talk about today.

This is definitely a trending topic right now… and like all things in life, too much of anything is never a good thing

So yes, be selfish, it’s okay to put yourself first, but there is a line and if you cross the line of selfishness then you start to lose other people too

And you’ll become very very lonely because you stopped prioritizing other people in your life

Which is why this episode is to help you know where and when it’s okay to be selfish and how to make sure you’re not diving too far off that deep end

Our generation or older gen z, younger millennial, and if you’re me, the in betweeners, has done a really good job at bringing this healthy sense of selfishness into the picture 

You see it across social media, it’s words you use too maybe without you realizing what you’re saying

Like with main character energy, self care moments, or focusing on me, putting me first

So I want to be clear when I say this, there is nothing wrong with focusing on yourself, showing up for yourself, or practicing self care

What I do want to emphasize throughout this episode is that we’ve taken things to the extreme

Where now you’re canceling last minute to protect your peace or energy, and essentially dropping the ball on your commitments which is pretty shitty behavior.. So let me be very clear when I say this: that’s not self care that’s being inconsiderate

Where “protecting your peace” becomes “bailing on people,” and “setting boundaries” becomes “dodging accountability.

It’s not saying you need to drop everything and show up for your friends, but it is saying that if you’ve made plans with someone and the moment comes where you don’t want to go or maybe something more fun came up for you instead, then you need to still suck it up and go 

Commit to your yes

I had a friend with shiny object syndrome, where he was always after the bigger better offer

The more fun thing over the say morally correct thing even if it meant letting people down

And it’s actually what started the demise of our friendship

Because a few years ago we both, along with 4 other people had two big events on the same night and at roughly the same time

We had a friends going away party who was moving back to wisconsin and we had a joint friends 30th birthday party where they rented out a bar and were throwing this massive bash

The 30th party was definitely going to be more fun than this going away party

But a going away party is far more important than a 30th birthday bash

So the plan was go to the going away party first and then the 30th birthday party second

All of us were on board for this plan of being able to show up to both events.. Until the day of my friend went silent

And then said he wasn’t going to make the going away party

Knowing this friend goes after the better options, but also prioritizes community and relationships, I called him out on his bs.. On his selfish decision

And he got upset with me because i saw through him and the choices he was making 

He got defensive and told me, “You’re always talking about how it’s okay to be selfish — but when I put myself first, suddenly it’s not okay?”

And I told him, “No, I’m not asking you to sacrifice your health or skip dinner or skip the gym. It’s organizing your night so you do show up for someone you care about before you go have fun. You can do both.”

That I know he has time to do the health stuff and say goodbye to our friend who is moving away and then go have fun at the birthday bash later

That he was picking the gone too far selfish option at the expense of friendships 

I told him what my plan was and he told me he doesn’t care what I do and hung up the phone

All I wanted him to do was own up to the decision he was making but he kept making excuses instead

He wasn’t choosing himself to grow; he was choosing himself at the expense of others.

And that’s the difference.

So let’s run it back to how it would not be a gone too far selfish option

Because he tried to frame it in that way but I knew his timing, his schedule, and his tendencies so as a friend i am going to be the one to call you out on what you’re doing

Oh I also want to say that the going away party was announced about two weeks before the birthday party and he knew the guy moving away longer than these other guys

So let’s say he didn’t have a ton of time and could not make it all work

Choosing to go to the gym and make and eat dinner and then meet us wherever we’re at in the night are the healthy selfish options

It allows you to show up better for your friends, even if you’re an hour late because you’ve prioritized your own health first

I would then say even showing up to the going away party first for 5 minutes.. A quick hi and goodbye and good luck (as it was literally on the way to the birthday one) would have made this a selfless choice

It shows respect and effort

Healthy selfishness looks like saying, “I need to take care of myself so I can show up better.”

Not, “I’m going to take care of myself and forget everyone else.”

The rest of us all made it to both.. Of course everyone was completely blacked out by the time we got to the birthday party, but I went to bed that night happy that I got to say goodbye to my friend

In this instance, doing what’s best for you, my friend in this instance, is hurting other people

So it’s considering how the impact of your decisions is going to affect your relationships, the people you care about in the name of independence or in the name of putting you first

It’s putting you first but at what cost?

Because here’s the message you’re sending when you bail on plans or pick the more fun or even the more selfish option instead like choosing to stay home

You’re telling your friends that you do not prioritize them.. Flat out end of story

I know what you’re thinking: Oh but jess i’m putting myself first and i can’t be my best self if i dont do that

No no that’s not fully how life works

If you have plans on the calendar and day of you don’t want to go for whatever reason outside of you being really sick then you’re being the wrong level of selfish and you’re hurting your relationships as a result

I have a friend right now who keeps doing this so i stopped initiating plans with her or even making plans with her

She’ll get invited to do something weeks in advance

And all of sudden, day of or week of, she can’t come

It’s absolute bullshit when it’s on the calendar so far in advance for you to write it down and say no to other things or mentally prepare yourself to go after a long day or a long week 

You’re not putting yourself first for the betterment of everyone in that instance, you are dropping the ball and ripping your relationships apart

And you know who it hurts, it hurts you by doing that

By isolating as your form of self care you’re going to end up lonelier, not healthier or not more free

There’s something I tell all my clients when we work on schedules and routines and fitting everything in.. it’s that whatever you say no to you are allowing yourself the chance to say yes to something else and whatever you say yes to you are then saying no to something else

There’s a give and take with everything but you have to decide what matters most to you in that moment and what you’re top priorities are 

If friendships are a top priority than you need to hold onto your yes’s so you have space for them in your life

It’s knowing when you’re setting a boundary versus when you’re closing yourself off from everyone else

Because too much alone time isn’t good and the less you prioritize your relationships the more you’re going to end up being alone

Where it gets messy is knowing your own limits and being able to communicate as such

I mentioned this with the being a good friends episode but if for whatever reason you really need to pull back on plans you made with someone, then it’s on you to reschedule and to make the effort towards showing up for them when you will have the capacity to be social

So yes, protect your own peace, set your boundaries, AND find something that will work for the both of you

You can love yourself and still care about how your actions affect the people you love. That’s called emotional maturity.

Being selfish versus selfless comes with a better understanding of your intentionalities 

What I mean is that you’re not saying yes to everything so you don’t let anyone down.. That’s people pleasing behavior and we’re done doing that in 2025

But rather it’s being intentional about when you do say yes

Are you saying yes out of guilt of letting someone down or saying yes as a way to enforce a connection

Because the first one is going to drain you to which you should reevaluate your relationship with that person and the second one is going to energize you

If it’s coming from a place of guilt or draining then maybe this isn’t a relationship for you to continue pursuing

Clearly, selfishness can come in different forms and that can make for some gray areas when it comes to choosing yourself first

I find that there are 3 different variations

There’s healthy selfishness which is what I was just describing where you put your needs first as a way to protect your energy or your values

There’s reactive selfishness where you say no to people or things and isolate out of fear or stress or avoidance

And then there’s unaware selfishness which is when you’re blind to how your actions impact others

In my opinion, reactive selfishness is the hidden one that can be easily disguised behind healthy selfishness so you justify it as okay

But if you really want to know which form of selfishness you are embracing then you can ask yourself are the choices you’re making that are seemingly selfish out of avoiding discomfort or to help you grow?

Typically if you are exhibiting unaware selfishness then you aren’t going to have the wherewithal to ask yourself how your actions are impacting other people

Luckily, there are signs to be able to tell if you’ve crossed the line from healthy to unhealthy selfishness

But it does take a higher level of self awareness followed by action

Because remember: awareness without action means absolutely nothing

So if you’re listening to this episode then that means you at least have the curiosity to determine if you are being too selfish

But here are your checkpoints:

You stop considering how your decisions affect others.
You cancel repeatedly without following up or rescheduling
You feel justified in never compromising.
You label everyone who challenges you as “toxic.” or a bad friend
You feel disconnected but tell yourself it’s peace.

I can tell you for a fact that I know someone who used to be in my inner circle, but portrays all of these check points and is now moved to the outer circle.. She is definitely someone who needs to listen to this episode because i’m tired of trying to save this friendship and compete with her selfishness

But if someone is deep in unaware selfishness there’s nothing you can really do on your end besides communicate how it’s affecting you

If you’re in that boat of oh shit I’ve done at least one of these things to someone in my life in a relatively recent timeframe then it’s time to put on your big boy and big girl pants and own up to it

It is reversible for you to save relationships you were too selfish or too self absorb to realize you were hurting 

Apologize for your actions and own up to them without making an excuse

And then really try to do better

If you’re brave enough then ask this other person to politely call you out when you are exhibiting signs of selfish behavior because it is a learning experience for you to shake off the stories you’ve previously been telling yourself

Justifying that what you’re doing is healthy selfishness when now you know that is isn’t or wasn’t 

It’s definitely confusing because our generation has done a really good job at putting ourselves first

But unfortunately for you, this isn’t your world that we’re all living in

We all are having our own experiences at the exact same time you’re having yours

So yes cut people some slack, and do your part in not being selfish outside of setting appropriate boundaries

If you want to have good relationships in your life, then you need to get out of your selfish era and show up for people even if you don’t want to when the time comes

That means going to your friend’s birthday party even after a long, shitty work day..because you already said yes, because their birthday comes around once a year, and because you can suck it up for an hour and leave early

I’ve done that

One of my dearest friends, is still really close with my ex best friend, so every year I have to suck it up for one night and be in the same vicinity as him because I care about being there for her more than I care about how uncomfortable I am around him

I just tell her I’ll be there for an hour, I love you, but I will leave after that

There is a middle ground… find it

Support your friends, connect with people, stop isolating as a justification for protecting your peace

And what I want to end this episode with is that it is okay to be selfish… until it isn’t

There will be moments where being selfish is absolutely the right thing to do. When your body’s run down, when your mental health is shot, when your gut says something’s off

But then you need to do your due diligence and find a day and time to reschedule 

When you cancel too many times, people stop inviting you. Not out of spite, but self-protection. That’s how loneliness sneaks up on you — not because you don’t have people, but because you stopped showing up for them.

That’s when your selfishness comes to bite you in the butt

Which hopefully by now you are well aware of

And one by one we’ll turn this generation around from bailing on their plans to doing what’s for the betterment of the relationship as a whole

So if you liked what you heard, if you felt called out, if you have a selfish friend, if you know someone who complains of a selfish friend then share this episode you can post it to social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do you can send it directly to someone and say you felt called out when in reality you want them to feel called out

Shhh your secrets safe with me

But seriously, help me spread word of this podcast because it’s pretty freaking good and more twenty-somethings need to listen to this

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode