The wonderful world of online dating

Welcome back to how to twenty-something, today i’m going to talk to you about the wonderful world of online dating and how to change your mentality around it

While also trying to convince myself to view it better

Because yes I was being sarcastic when titling this episode

If you know me then you know I hate online dating, the apps feel so superficial and then you get all caught up in decision fatigue because you could be talking to a great human being but then think wait what if this person is better

And as a result you continue to end up alone all because you keep thinking of what else could be out there

Honestly, I think guys should listen to this episode the most because your profiles are god awful

The pictures you choose are blurry, the prompts you write, if you even write prompts, give us nothing to work with, and you willingly throw all your red flags into your profile when it should be your best foot forward

And unfortunately for you, it might already be your best foot forward

I’ve been trying to improve my dating life this year, it was part of my new year’s resolution to go on one date a month, organically, so without the use of the apps

And I failed miserably from January through April and then in May I asked out a guy I thought was a suitable bachelor and he friend zoned me, so my Sunday Scaries, post terrible coffee date, that wasn’t actually a date, led me to downloading bumble

And oh my goodness it’s worse than I expected, when I already had very low expectations set

Which is why I feel called to make an episode about dating apps, so here we are

First off, I know dating apps have a success rate, my sister and her fiance met on bumble, my friends who have been married for four years met on tinder, my friend and her boyfriend met on tinder, my other friend and her fiance met on hinge, and even another friend just became official with her boyfriend and they met on bumble

So yes, there is proof that it does work, but there is also so much more proof of it not working at all and being a very frustrating process

And hopefully by the end of this episode you and I will both feel differently about the dating apps and the world of online dating, because trust me when I say I’m right here with you.. It’s rough out there

Dating in your twenties is already tough, people are moving around, trying to figure their own life out, not ready settle down, filled with trauma from their last relationship, and are still growing as a person and not really sure what they’re looking for

And I made an episode on dating in your twenties a long time ago, but this one is specifically about dating online and is to help shift your mindset going into it and the way you are experiencing it

I will say, living in a city does keep the people younger longer and what I mean by that is city life promotes the single bachelor life with multiple girls around, late nights at the bars, and college culture extended into adulthood

Making it even harder to find someone suitable for you

Now, online dating has been around for a long time, I remember as a kid my mom would be on Jdate, or on tv you would see a commercial for christian singles, I think there was even a platform for farmers, there was eharmony, and match.com

So online dating was around well before what we know it as today with the three primary ones now being tinder, bumble, and hinge

And I can’t really speak as to whether or not things have shifted from the creation of the different platforms, but I am going to focus on primarily bumble and hinge for the purpose of this episode and within that the heterosexual side of dating apps as I can’t personally speak to the LGBTQ community

The stereotypes of these primary apps are tinder is the hookup app, hinge is the nice one that’s the most helpful, and bumble is the safest because the girl has to make the first move

Although now even that part has changed because you can add an opening prompt to your profile that let’s the guy message first

Up until now, I’ve only had one guy message me first and he’s actually the only bumble date I’ve gone on.. It helped that i recognized him from the gym when i came across his profile so I knew he wasn’t a complete psychopath and had a great taste in gyms

But i think the biggest problem dating apps create from a psychological perspective is the too many options

It’s hard to settle down when there’s always going to be the potential to swipe right and match with someone new and possibly better

I ask a few of my friends their opinions on dating apps, their mindset around it, tricks or tips they’ve learned along the way, and really anything that would help me with the topic of this episode and one of my guy friends mentioned that when he has a date on the calendar with a girl he pauses his profile so he’s not tempted to continue swiping

He’s helping his brain focus on one thing at a time and see where it goes and doesn’t want to keep distracting himself with the bigger better offer that could present itself with one more profile

I told him that I liked that idea but that I’m also reading the book attached and it says that if you have an anxious attachment style it is actually more beneficial for you to continue to schedule dates with other people even when you’ve found someone you like

Simply because it helps you brain not focus on that one person and whether they have responded to your message yet or not

So it calms your attachment system in the form of a healthy distraction and not letting you put all of your eggs in that one basket

Now, of course, when things become official or more serious between you two then yes remove your profile and stop going on other dates

But when you’re still within the first month of seeing one another, and you know you are an anxious person, then continue to put yourself out there 

So it’s really knowing what’s going to work best for you based on your own tendencies

I know I get really anxious so it would be better for me to keep my options open and not pause my profile, but maybe you are someone like my guy friend who does need to do so

Another aspect of the dating apps is you are meeting a complete stranger from the internet and that’s not something you should forget

From a safety standpoint, your first date should be in public, in the day time, preferably an activity, and your friends should know where you’re going

I say it should be an activity because moving your body around and having something else to do will help with conversations and with any awkwardness or first date jitters

This could entail going for a walk, or mini-golfing, even top golf, or pickleball, something that still encourages conversation but also gets lets your own energy move around

My friend bri also says to avoid having a table in between you guys as that subconsciously but also literally puts up a barrier, so keep that in mind too

And this next piece of advice is more for my ladies listening but drive yourself to the date, a stranger shouldn’t know where you live because you don’t know who this person could actually be

From a dating standpoint, this is a stranger you can’t expect yourself to know immediately whether this person is worth pursuing after one date

Obviously if that date was awful and the energy wasn’t there, the other person was rude or whatever the case may be, then yeah you know not go on another date

But if you come out of that date and think hmm that was fun, the conversation was good, I still don’t know how I feel about him or her, then go on another date

If there was no blaring red flag, give the other person another chance so you can get to know them better

Afterall, the first date is typically surface level topics and you can’t truly get to know someone within the first 60 minutes of ever meeting them

Think about your friendships, did you become instant besties the first time you ever met them or did it take a couple tries to establish trust and like for them?

My guess is it’s the ladder

Even my current best friend took a few times of being together before I fully was like yeah I want to be around this person more often

The bottomline is, online dating is not natural, I don’t care who you are, it is not a natural way for two people to know each other

Back in the olden days people met each other through friends or coworkers and already had some level of trust and referral established because of the mutual connection

Online dating is two strangers from the internet coming together to see if they are compatible or not

And to repeat, if you’re unsure then you need to stay in that place of curiosity and go on another date with them

Another major part of online dating is knowing why you’re creating this profile

Is it to get a lot of compliments about how attractive you are

Is it to find a long term companion

Is it to sleep around

Regardless of why you’re choosing to create your profile, you need to be very clear and communicative about what you’re looking for

I know bumble lets you put what you’re looking for in your profile whether it be not sure yet, long term relationship, dating, etc

But creating a profile just for a confidence boost and have no intention to ever go on these dates is misleading and discouraging to the person on the receiving end

Because yes there are real people on the other end of this app 

And on that note, don’t match with someone you’re never going to message

I personally only swipe right if I know I would message this person and I actually unmatch with them if I change my mind

Because you could feel one way one minute and the next another minute and that’s okay, but it is on you to do the due diligence and not give the other person false hope

Oh and this one is for my girls, spoken directly from a guys mouth, it’s okay to message them first

They don’t read into it like you do

Girls have this belief that you shouldn’t message the guy first, they should make all the first moves, and I’m here to tell you that’s a bunch of hocus pocus

I do believe the guy should plan the first date at least to some extent, but you can definitely message him first

In fact, it’ll help you stand out amongst the crowd and show your confidence in yourself by doing so because most other women will not take that initiative

Yes, bumble promotes the girls to message first, but like I said at the beginning of this episode, even that has changed

As far as how to create a good dating profile goes, I want to remind you that you want to put your best self forward

I’ve come across guys profiles that are like “i play way too many video games” or “I drink too much” like come on leave some room for mystery

While yes, it’s good to tell your potential partner your not so great qualities ahead of time and not let them find out on their own 6 months later, you’re not even letting them get to know you beyond your bad side

It’s as though you’re laying it all out in the open like yup this is me take it or leave, when in reality you wouldn’t tell someone you just met all of your issues and potential red flags

Your dating profile is your first impression, as awful as that sounds

And it’s the first date that determines vibe or chemistry or compatibility, but you’re not even giving yourself a fighting chance to get to the first date when you share a bit too much or even not enough on your profile

On the flip side, helpful things to include on your profile that are important for a potential mate to know ahead of time include if you have kids, or if you’re very religious and are looking for the same, that way it saves you both time and energy if you don’t align on some very important things

I know for me I only swipe right on people who do not have the word faith in their bio or if they put that they drink sometimes or never 

And will swipe left if most of their pictures include drinking and partying and this is because I don’t really drink a lot and am looking for someone who has more in their life than alcohol and who isn’t fully wrapped up in their religion because we don’t share the same religion and I’m not very religious

I live in the bible belt so it is a majority of guys who are very faith based which is okay to be, it’s just not what I’m looking for

I also don’t swipe right on a guy who has a child simply because I am not at that point in my life to include children

So when you go to create your profile, you want to show who you are at your best, a glimpse into your personal life like with friends or family, a story that shows a little personality, and a way for someone to engage in a conversation with you

You could have a prompted question or even place on in your bio that opens to the door for someone to easily start messaging you

Also, make sure your pictures are clear and without sunglasses or a hat on in every picture, and smile in your pictures 

Guys tend to have blurry hiding pictures and I’m not swiping right on someone I can’t see because how will I even be able to find you in a public setting if we’ve never met before

And another thing is you need solo pictures

If all of your photos are with a group of friends, or even your first two photos and I have to scroll to try to figure out which one is actually the guy behind the profile, then I’m not swiping right

Don’t leave someone guessing, we’re already on edge with the whole dating app in the first place

Try your hardest to make your profile clear, concise, and welcoming

Like I said, this is your first impression

Whereas in the real world, or the wild as I like to call it, first impressions are based off of energy, personality, body language, and mutual interests since you’re at the same place at the same time, but all of that is nonexistent on a dating app

So come in on a strong note while also accurately representing who you are to the best of your ability

And do not ask for someone’s snapchat, snapchat is outdated and immature and frankly a red flag

Literally as I’m creating this episode, I was conversing with a guy on bumble and the conversation went nowhere which is fine, there was nothing to banter with or question asking on his end

But after two days of not having a back and forth he randomly messages me: add me on snapchat at Jonnyboy with some numbers

I screenshotted it and sent it to my friend and said tell me you’re a red flag without telling me you’re a red flag

It’s inappropriate for someone in their late twenties early thirties to be asking for a females snapchat

Besides, I don’t have snapchat anymore and if someone asks for mine, it really shows me where their maturity is at

You should not be asking for someone’s snapchat when you’ve never met them and don’t even have a phone number for, we’re not in high school or college anymore 

Find a new tactic to get to know a girl.. I know some of yall have been catfished and snapchat gives you real time pictures of someone, but you know what else gives you a real time visual? Asking a girl on a date

It could be a walking date so you don’t even have to spend a ton of money and feel like it was a waste of money if the date doesn’t go well

The bottomline is, I know the dating apps are god awful, I know that those of you who have found success recognize that it was a diamond in the rough, and I know that with every swipe left your hope for finding a potential mate declines

Dating apps are like a canon event in your twenties, if you didn’t get your MRS degree in college or stick with your highschool sweetheart, we’ve all been on them at one point or another

And I think the most important part of having a dating app, and a first for me with this go around, is downloading them when you are mentally healthy

In the past I’ve had an account because I was desperate for attention or needed a distraction

I’ve also downloaded them to go to new places and meet new people when in first moved to orlando and to charlotte

Yes, I downloaded bumble off of a sunday scary thought post bad, friendzoned coffee date, but I really thought about this download and about where I was at in my life, in my healing journey, in my business, and felt I was in a good place to take this app seriously

And actually, i downloaded, was asked to create a bio, felt overwhelmed by this simple open ended question and immediately deleted the app

Then I played two hours of sports, came home and redownloaded it while texting my friend to help me create it so I wouldn’t back out again

Dating apps are emotionally taxing, they are frustrating, they feel like a never ending pit of unsuitable bachelors, so know that it’s okay to take a break from them when you are feeling negative emotions towards the app

But have the right mindset going into it, take care of your own mental health, be up front with what you’re looking for, set goals around creating the profile or using the app, and be open and safe when online goes to offline and in person

And, probably most importantly, effectively communicate and be respectful to the other person

If you’re not feeling it, say so, don’t ghost them, practice good communication skills and they’ll appreciate you for it 

Maybe not in the moment, but think about it on your end, if you got ghosted with someone you wanted to get to know you would feel defeated or hung up on that person as there was no closure

So don’t do that to someone else, we’re adults now, and it’s time you start acting like one

And on that topic of ghosting, know that rejection of the process

My friend bri loves to say rejection is redirection

Don’t let a no get you down, because one more no is bringing you that much closure to a yes

And besides, you cannot say or do the wrong thing to the right person, so if someone doesn’t like you, or if you’re afraid of messaging them or of feeling too needy and they break things off, thank them for not wasting your time

Your person is out there, I promise, at least that’s what I say to myself to get me through these god awful profiles of men

And the last thing I’ll leave you with, is celebrate and acknowledge the successful moments

When a date moves to a second one, or you didn’t walk away from a date thinking that was terrible, or you got off the apps and went on a freakin date

But those are all of my dating app or i guess dating in general cliches for you

Dating in 2024 is tough, i’m not going to sugarcoat it

Dating in your twenties is tough, but it’s not impossible

And if you hate the apps, then get off of them and go to real events or places in person and talk to someone there

I straight up told my therapist I would rather go up to every stranger I find attractive and tell them so, than to be on this dating app

But my introverted ass would panic every time so we continue to swipe and hope that it’ll lead to something

Whether that something is a future boyfriend, a future client, a future friend, or a connection to an opportunity

Because you never know what could come from meeting someone new

And that’s how I’m going to end this episode

Online dating is mentally taxing, but you got this, I got this too, and if you liked this episode, if you were like oh my god jess you were spot on with the world online dating, then please share it, give me five star rating, like and subscribe to stay up to date, email me about your online dating experiences

And as always thank you for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode