Jess Diamond (00:02.356)
Welcome back to another episode of How to 20 something where today I’ve brought on a brand new guest to help you be single. And by that, I mean no longer having a choke hold on your dating life and learning how to manage your mind when everyone around you is in love and you can barely get someone to glance at you. And then also finding ways that you can create love in your life that doesn’t require another person. If you guys have been listening to the show for at least a year,

then you would know I was definitely a struggling single person last year. I was single for three and a half years total between my ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend, but last year is when it really hit home that I’m single and I don’t want to be. I want to find my person. And it was extremely frustrating, not to mention that I started to claim the identity of being perpetually single, which really only deepened the pit of singleness I was in.

I know I definitely needed someone like Danielle to help me enjoy my life without constantly being on the prowl. So I can’t wait for this conversation that we’re about to have. I’m going to introduce her first. Danielle Fasheen is the founder of the Single Life Revolution, where she helps single women embrace their independence and transform societal shame into personal empowerment, ushering them into creating this new phase of life with confidence and joy right now. No partner required.

As a certified health and life coach with a flair for the magical, she combines transformative coaching with spiritual practices like tarot and ritual work. Through her VIP days and personalized coaching sessions, she helps women to rewrite their single story so they can build lives so rich and vibrant that any future partner would only enhance their happiness, not complete it. After years of skipping concerts, passing on trips and saying no to restaurant reservations because she was ashamed to go alone,

Danielle realized how much life she was missing while waiting for plus one to show up. Now her mission is to help single women stop sitting on the sidelines of their own lives. Through her signature vibrant method, she helps women go from lying awake at 2 a.m. wondering what’s wrong with me, to booking that solo vacation, joining that pottery class, and showing up to events solo with confidence and power. Because they finally understand that their worth has nothing to do with their relationship status and everything to do.

Jess Diamond (02:22.58)
with how fully they choose to show up for themselves in their single era. Hi Danielle, and welcome to How to 20 something.

Danielle Facchine (02:27.848)
Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Jess Diamond (02:32.544)
Yeah, I mean, I feel already empowered just by reading your bio that you created. And okay, we’re on the same page. But I actually want to start off this episode with asking you, why is it important to be single, whether it’s intentional or not?

Danielle Facchine (02:37.602)
Me too.

Danielle Facchine (02:49.23)
Yeah, being single is a really transformational part of anybody’s life. A brief story, I knew someone who was perpetually in a relationship. I knew her for 20 years and for as long as I knew her, she was never single. So every time she got into a new relationship, I sort of saw a different, I almost said her name, I don’t wanna say it. I almost saw a different,

person, right? So in one relationship, she is an avid hockey fan, and she is, you know, a little bit more sarcastic and brusque. And in another relationship, she’s sort of soft and kind of quiet and timid. you know, having that, or not having that opportunity to figure out who you are, I think really sets you up for

I don’t know, an identity crisis of sorts, right? I mean, you had mentioned in the beginning about being single as part of your identity. And I think that there is such pressure on people and women especially to be in a relationship so that this does become part of their identity of.

Who am I if I’m not in a relationship? Who am I if I’m not a wife or a mother, right? And when you don’t give yourself that opportunity to figure out who I am without all of these things, then you don’t, it feels hard to understand because I’ve lived this single life for so long that it kind of hurts my heart that I,

can see people not having this opportunity to develop their relationship with themselves so that they don’t have to rely on other people for validation or any type of internal happiness or excitement or things like that, that they can just kind of find that within themselves. So you learn who you are without other people’s influence, right?

Danielle Facchine (05:12.714)
single, you are the main character, right, of your whole story. And you get to discover what you like and what you don’t. you know, maybe you actually don’t like EDM music, and you just threw it on your Spotify list, because the last person you dated liked it, and you were trying to, you know, be interested in what they liked, or, you know, you get to you get to try new things without

having to drag people along or make them do things that they don’t want to do. You know, and it’s okay if like your interests change over time because you don’t have someone going, this is like a new thing. I don’t know this like version of you. So I think being able to have that like messy experiment of being single is important so that when you are ready to be in a relationship, you can enter into this relationship as

a whole person, not, you know, the you complete me hype that, you know, we all heard in the 20s. What movie was that? I don’t even know what movie was that. my God, I don’t remember what movie that was, but like the Renée Zellweger, think like the you complete me thing. But, you you’re not a person like looking to be completed. You’re this whole person now who has discovered

Jess Diamond (06:21.184)
so many movies.

Danielle Facchine (06:34.53)
the things you like and the things you don’t and what you want to do and how you want to spend your time and the type of people you want to be around. You get to decide all of these things when you’re single, when you’re in a relationship. You don’t necessarily always have that kind of time.

Jess Diamond (06:52.544)
Yeah, I feel like you don’t have that time, but you also don’t always have that choice. And I say that as not, I mean, yes, you could be in a very controlling relationship, which is not good, but it’s also your default is I want to just hang out with my person. I don’t need to make friends. I don’t need to go try these new things. So I’m very happy being with the person that I’m in a relationship with. And you go into this default mode. Whereas when you’re single, you…

make your own decisions. You’re not checking in with anyone. You are fully living your own life. And if you don’t like the people around you’re around, you’re changing it. If you want to try a new hobby, you’re not asking someone if they want to do it too, or if they like it, you’re not worrying about if they’re having a good time. If you’re bringing them to something that you want to do, it does give you a really healthy sense of independence and of who you’re becoming, especially in your 20s, because you’re going to grow and change so much and

I was actually talking with a client yesterday about this because her little brother is in a relationship with, and they’re young, like her little brother is 24, his girlfriend is 21. And I was like, Oh, do you think like this is, they’re going to get married? And she’s like, what’s the rush? Like, no, they, need to experience life. Like his girlfriend needs to be single. She hasn’t been single in her twenties yet. And I was referencing that if I had married the boyfriend that I started dating when I was 21, I

would not be where I’m at today in so many negative ways. As in I probably wouldn’t be pursuing my coaching business. I probably wouldn’t be having a podcast. I probably wouldn’t be living in Charlotte. Like there’s so many important parts of my life and my identity now that I’ve grown into in the three and a half years of being single that I know would have been shut down or sheltered or minimized if I was still in a relationship with that guy.

Danielle Facchine (08:48.654)
Yeah, I, when I was in my 20s, I was for the middle of my 20s. I started dating somebody that I actually was in the military with and we were deployed together. So I was with them for the middle of my 20s. And what I learned from that relationship was that I was

probably the most authentic version of myself in that moment that I could have been. But it was like not enough. He wanted me to be this person that would go out to the bars and like go out and stay out late and hang out with his friends. And like my dad was an alcoholic and I wasn’t really a big drinker and that just wasn’t me. And that was something that ultimately

ended our relationship. And it was really painful for me because it that was for me that was this this point in time where I sort of stopped believing because this was the person that I thought I was going to marry, right? We were close to we lived together at one point, we had a little bit of a break in the middle. And then we were sort of like getting back to that again. And

when this relationship ended, it was really in a rough way. And it sort of like robbed me from this, like I felt like he kind of stole that from me, right? This, the fairy tale that we’re all told we should want when we’re growing up is, you know, the marriage and the kids and the job and all of these things. And I was so close to having a couple of those and he so harshly robbed me of that.

that that was sort of like a weird turning point for me too is that I realized that, or in that moment, I just felt like I’m not good enough. And that sort of started like this period of time for me where I really…

Danielle Facchine (11:02.198)
sort of did what I shared about my friend in the beginning where I was trying to change who I was to be what I thought the person that I wanted to be with wanted me to be, right? If that makes sense. I was very chameleon in my 20s and 30s, right? To try to mold myself to be what I thought they wanted me to be so that I would be accepted because I was so, and by that point I was 27.

So was already feeling behind, right? All of my people, right? I had already felt a little behind because I did basic training and all of that for my Army career. And so I was already, you know, a year later starting college and then I was deployed. So that was another year and a half that I was away. And so by the time I was 27, everybody, you know, that I was in high school with, were…

married or in serious relationships or they’d had kids. So I felt really behind. And that was really tough.

Jess Diamond (12:09.236)
I think you started to say it with that you didn’t feel enough and then you added in that you felt behind. And I think those are two very big thoughts that circle single people’s brains. So like, I’m not enough. For me, it was the I’m not enough translated to I’m not lovable. If I’m not in a relationship, it’s because I can’t find someone who loves me enough to want to…

pick me, essentially. was like, reference Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith Grey, like pick me, choose me. And that was really hard on my own brain. And like I said, that was my definition of I’m not enough. I can’t be enough for this person to want to love me, to want to be with me. And then the other part is the feeling behind. And I’m in the middle of the wedding season of my life where, I mean, I’m currently wearing a bridesmaid shirt in this recording. It’s like, I just had a wedding.

Danielle Facchine (13:01.006)
you

Jess Diamond (13:04.36)
a week and a half ago and say everyone’s like, where are going? I have another wedding another one. Yes, that is the phase of life I’m currently in. There’s just tons of weddings happening. And when you’re single when you’re not given a plus one to weddings, weddings that you’re in two, it’s really hard because I know for me, the first wedding that I was a bridesmaid in last year, I was the only single bridesmaid everyone was engaged or about to be engaged or married. Every single person.

Danielle Facchine (13:05.518)
Mm-hmm.

Jess Diamond (13:33.728)
And then there was me, like I’m like, I’m not even dating. I have a crush on someone. Like I’m not even dating anybody. So it was hard to wrap my head around it. And I still have fun at these weddings. I’m still dancing and I don’t have to introduce someone to anyone, but also at the same time when there’s no one for me to talk to and everyone’s turned to their partner, when there’s like bring your plus one to the dance floor and have a slow dance with them. And it’s like, I’m sitting down, I’m at the table. Like there’s nothing for me to do in that moment. And it is…

awkward and it’s those moments that really highlight that you’re single. So you might be going your day to day life like, yeah, I’m not in a relationship that doesn’t matter to me. And then there’s going to be those moments where you wish you had that person and where being single feels like the hardest, most torturous thing in the world. So what would you say to someone who feels behind? Maybe they don’t feel enough. Maybe they don’t feel lovable. Maybe they are like you, they had this timeline in their head or they see everyone else around them.

moving into different love stages of their life and building a family and you can barely get past a first date.

Danielle Facchine (14:39.596)
Yeah, the first thing I want to say about being behind is behind according to who, right? We know that there’s this societal timeline, right? That women, again, especially are brought up to believe that it should be in a certain order by a certain age and it should never deviate from that. And if it does, like, my God, you’re going to be a spinster in dialogue.

And I think what’s important to remember about that.

and I do want to kind of caveat all of this to say that when I was in my twenties, I felt all of these things exactly right unlovable behind. but I am 42. so the, things that I have learned in time and I’ve been like, I’ve dated, but I’ve, I, what I say is I’ve not been in a, like, bring them home for the holidays relationship in like over 10 years. so I’ve been single

for a while. So I’ve had a lot of time to consider all of this. And the thing that really helped me when considering

How to remedy this feeling of being behind is to remember that

Danielle Facchine (16:04.59)
Timelines don’t exist. It’s not it’s not a real thing. It’s just a construct It’s something that has been it was believed to be important decades ago and life is different now women have many more opportunities now there We don’t we are not required to have a husband to have money. We’re allowed to have our own bank accounts We’re allowed to buy a home. We are allowed to get a credit card, right? We are allowed to wear pants and have our own jobs, right? We can support

We don’t need that relationship. At this point, being in a relationship is, in my opinion, like a desire, a nice to have. It’s not a need. You know, so I think it’s tough because when we feel behind, we are feeling judged. We are feeling perceived as being wrong because we are single.

Jess Diamond (16:48.213)
I agree.

Danielle Facchine (17:04.182)
That too is other people’s judgments being, you know, placed onto us. It’s not, it doesn’t, it doesn’t make, it doesn’t mean anything about us as people because their opinions are none of my business, right? I’m probably going to quote Taylor Swift a second time in this episode, but she was just on the New Heights podcast and I’m a big Swifty and I’m very pumped for this new album. But.

You know, she made a comment that, you know, my name could literally be in the headlines of a newspaper and it’s none of my business. It doesn’t matter, right? What other people think of me is none of my business. All that matters is me and how I feel about my life and comparing myself to other people in their version of what is an appropriate timeline for them. Just makes me feel fucking bad about myself, you know?

It’s not a race. the only where we we all die at the end. Like that is the finish line, right? There it there. This is not life is not linear We don’t have to do everything the same as other people and I think you know having a living a different life outside of this again perceived timeline allows us to have opportunities and experiences and gives us new

perspectives on life and what life can be and what it gets to be. Another thing that I want to say is, you know, people that are in relationships, they’re not always happy, right? Being in a relationship does not automatically equal happiness, right? Or some people are in a relationship and they’re really happy. Like my sister is happy. She’s in her marriage. She’s got three kids. You know, she has a great life.

But she is envious of how much time I get to have to myself, right? Because everybody has things that they wanna do with their time. And when you have other people in your life that you have to care for or tend to or spend time with, obviously we all have the same number of hours and minutes in a day. So she doesn’t have as much time to grow certain things as I do. So I think too, you

Danielle Facchine (19:31.458)
consider the opposite, that maybe we’re not behind, maybe we’re just like ahead, right? Maybe we’re like exactly where we’re supposed to be. And remembering that…

Chasing the thing that we think is going to make us happy. It’s just a waste of time, right? Time passes either way. It’s already almost September. Right? And if we spend our time chasing the thing that we think we want, we’re just going to lose time, right? It’s going to pass regardless of what we have and

There’s this idea, I think it’s called like the arrival fallacy that

We think that it’s like this idea of like, I’ll be happy when, right? Like conditional happiness or like destination happiness, think I’ve seen people call it. That I will be happy when I lose weight. I will be happy when I get this job, right? I will be happy when I’m in this relationship. And all three of those things I have had and I was not happy, right? I lost a ton of weight, but the only reason I lost that weight.

in that moment is because I was in a really toxic relationship and I lost it because of anxiety. So I was at my number and like could wear cute little size small t-shirts, but I was miserable in my relationship. I got a really good paying job at a director level. It was like an elevation of promotion in my career, but it was a really toxic job, right?

Danielle Facchine (21:22.508)
I don’t remember what the other thing was that I had. the relationship that kind of goes with the weight loss thing, right? Like I had what I thought I wanted and it actually wasn’t what I wanted. And sometimes we get the thing we think we want, but then it’s like, okay, well, what else? Like what’s next? Right? So we’re constantly chasing this thing that we think we want that’s going to make us happy when the reality is now, now matters, right? Not like

the thing you think that’s gonna make you happy, it’s what can you do now that’s gonna make you happy? I know I’ve kind of devolved from the question and I’m a little rambly, but this is something that feels really important to me is.

Danielle Facchine (22:08.378)
I wasted a lot of my late 20s and early 30s, not, I’m not gonna cry. Not gonna cry. I wasted a lot of time in my late 20s and 30s, being embarrassed about going out by myself, not taking a trip that I wanted to do, not taking advantage of the time that I had to.

go to a restaurant or go to a show. I got free tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert one time and I did not go because I didn’t have anybody to go with. I just, I didn’t even give the tickets away. I just went home. I felt bad about myself. I felt shame. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a loser because I didn’t have anybody to go with because I didn’t have a boyfriend to take with me to this concert. And I lost.

so much of my late 20s and early 30s feeling bad about myself. if I have any, God Danielle, if I have any regrets about anything, it’s that I feel like I let myself waste so much time. And that’s like the one thing, I have so many things, this is not just the one thing, but if I have.

Jess Diamond (23:15.251)
you

Danielle Facchine (23:35.054)
Anything in this moment right now to say is like, don’t waste time chasing shit. Don’t do it, right? Like if you’re single now, that’s fine. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re behind. It doesn’t mean you are unworthy of a relationship. It just means that right now in this moment, you do not have a partner. That’s it. And it’s okay. And you still get to live.

a life that feels exciting and you don’t have to wait for someone to show up just so you can go do the things that make you happy.

Jess Diamond (24:13.106)
I loved all of that. was great. Someone listening definitely needs to hear this. know single me definitely needed to hear this. And you said so many important points, like the grass is always going to be greener on the other side, or what you see is not always what you wanted for yourselves. Like, yes, you wanted the relationship, you got the check mark, like you checked that box, you got the relationship, but it’s not fulfilling you. It’s not

what’s there for you, but then you’re too afraid to be single again and then stay single for the rest of your life. There’s so many worries about around that of you don’t wanna die alone. You wanna have that person. like there are so many perks to having your default person is what I like to call it. And that was something I definitely just personally struggled with because I like…

when my best friend and I were both single is like we’re each other’s default person. And then all of sudden, a guy would come into her life and it’s like, that’s her default person. She’s still like, I still go to her, she’s still my default person. But now I’m not hers. And I don’t feel like I have that reciprocation in in my life. But when you do enter that relationship, like you do have that and it’s such a wonderful feeling to have. But when you’re single, you

that’s what you’re thinking of. It consumes you. It consumes a lot of your thoughts. And it’s not to say I put my life on pause to wait for a relationship. honestly, a lot of my life was on pause when I went through a friendship breakup and I didn’t feel like I had a best friend to go to things with. I didn’t care that I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time. I was like, I just want a friend. I want someone to go with. it goes under that same umbrella though of

Don’t wait for a friend to do something. If you want to do something, you need to go do it, even if it feels uncomfortable doing it by yourself, and it’s going to. I show up to things by myself to this day, and I can recognize when I’ve gone a very long span of not doing so and how uncomfortable I feel because I haven’t done it in a while. And I like to remind people that stepping out of your comfort zone is never going to feel comfortable.

Jess Diamond (26:29.376)
at any point, it’s always going to be uncomfortable. You just become more familiar with the discomfort you’re feeling. So there’s that portion of it too. The other thing, the thing I really want you to kind of highlight for the audience, for the listeners is that people feel like all their problems will go away when they get into a relationship. It’s like that I’ll be happy when syndrome that you brought up. Can you…

kind of shed light on what problems typically go through people’s heads that they’re like, oh, all of these things will get solved by getting into a relationship. The relationship is the answer to all of my problems, to all of my prayers. What are these problems so that people can start to recognize their own thoughts for themselves?

Danielle Facchine (27:13.774)
Mm hmm. Yeah. I think, the biggest one I think for me is, this like fear of dying alone or, or not having someone to take care of them. That is one. they think that they’re, they will not feel lonely anymore, right? They think that they will, feel loved, right? That’s another problem that will be solved is that, I will suddenly be

worthy, right? I will suddenly be loved and lovable. I think the FOMO, right? People feel like they’re missing out on something because they’re not in a relationship. Maybe their family will stop bugging them and asking questions of, you seeing anybody? Are you in a relationship? When are you going to meet somebody? I think people think those problems will go away. And

What I think happens is that when you get into a relationship, those problems don’t go away. They’re just potentially amplified because those feelings are our responsibility, right? Our happiness, the cliche is it may sound, my happiness is my responsibility. And…

It’s my job to make sure that I feel fulfilled and happy. But to go to the question of what problems people think relationships will solve, one thing that I like to do is sort of do a problem solver analysis. What is the problem, I think, getting into a relationship will solve?

and how to write something down because I wanted to make sure I said it. Let me just pause.

Danielle Facchine (29:23.854)
So this problem solver analysis, writing down all of these things that I think I feel right now that if I were in a relationship would magically go away, right? I feel lonely. Okay, getting into a relationship is not gonna necessarily solve that because there are a lot of people that are in relationships that feel lonely or alone, but we can solve that by making new friends.

hard to make friends as an adult. We know there are challenges, but there are ways that we can do that. We can join a book club. We can join a gym. can, I don’t know, take rock climbing classes. can, you know, like a pottery class, right? Like I’m a crafty person, right? We can do like crochet circles or whatever, right? I’ve got all my grandma habits like on lock, right? Because I love spending time with myself. So I always have these little hobbies and very crafty.

But you know, I feel lonely. Okay, we can solve that without needing to get into a relationship just for the purposes of not feeling lonely, right? Maybe like I need help with rent. The financial thing is a whole problem in and of itself right now, but you can get a roommate for that, right? Don’t get into a relationship and have somebody move in just because you want someone to split the rent.

You talked about like an emergency contact or like a, like your person, right? Like that person to go to.

my mom is my emergency contact. Like, that’s okay. I don’t, I no longer feel shame about that, right? Putting my mom down as my emergency contact. But we have ways to resolve these problems that we think will be solved by being in a relationship in other ways besides settling for a relationship for the purposes of being in a relationship to solve these perceived problems, right?

Danielle Facchine (31:28.206)
plus one to a wedding, you bring a friend or just like don’t fucking go, right? Who cares? You don’t have to go to the wedding if you don’t want to go to the wedding. There are so many things that single women do or single people do that we feel like we should do.

We don’t have to do like, you don’t have to go to the wedding unless your bridesmaid in which case, like been there, right? We’re, we’re, we’re sort of contractually bound. and then in that case, you know, we can find other avenues to, to make ourselves feel comfortable in that situation. know, what, what I think happens a lot is that we have these problems that we think a relationship is going to solve.

And it’s not as much about I want to be in a relationship as much as it is, I just want to escape being single, right? So yeah. Yes. You know, so trying to decide, do I want to be in a relationship or do I just want to escape being single is a big part of that. you know, looking at these little problems and sort of analyzing this, you know, these current

Jess Diamond (32:21.086)
Yeah, that’s a big moment. That’s a mic drop moment.

Danielle Facchine (32:41.122)
problems and will a relationship actually solve that?

Danielle Facchine (32:47.5)
looking at it objectively, not like in your emotional self. Of course it will solve it. It’ll solve all my problems, but it really won’t.

Jess Diamond (32:55.36)
Or is like don’t put all that pressure on your other that other person to be the solution to all your problems I think that’s where a lot of relationships start to break or there’s fault in it is you’re going into it with well This relationship is to fix all of these things. That means this other person is Responsible for managing my emotions and the things that I need to fix within myself and that’s not a healthy relationship. That’s not

reason to get into a relationship and that’s not a relationship that’s going to last either.

Danielle Facchine (33:28.526)
Yeah, I, gosh, it was a long time ago, but I think maybe I had heard an interview with, it might’ve been like Will Smith and Jada, right? Where they were having this conversation. I think maybe Jada was saying like, Will is not responsible for my happiness, right? And it’s very true. We cannot put that pressure on another person, like you said.

to be the one to solve all of our problems, to make us happy. We are responsible for filling our cup and making sure that we feel good and whole and complete so that if this relationship dissolves, we are not going to dissolve as well. That we are going to still be able to be a whole person without that relationship because we have

curated this life for us where we are a whole person and a relationship is not going to be the thing that solves all my problems.

Jess Diamond (34:36.99)
Yeah, I know for me, lot of, I was definitely a happy whole person before getting into my relationship. And now I am a happier person with my boyfriend. But I know that a lot of my frustrations that would come up was that I felt ready. That I finally felt like I was emotionally ready. I had friends. I liked where my business was at. I felt like I had put in the work to build my life to its fullest capabilities.

and I was ready to bring someone into it to add to it. And it was very, very difficult for it to not happen right away, for it to take actually an entire year, which I know in the grand scheme of things for a lot of people listening is not that long of a time. But for me, it felt like forever. It took a full year before I met my boyfriend. And while me constantly putting in the effort towards dating, towards my dating life and not seeing anything.

of it not getting past the first date or when I would go out with my friends part of me would still a large part of me I’m not even gonna lie a large part of me would look around the room look for any cute boys anyone I could go up to and talk to and my friends would do it too we would all be like who do you find cute can we go talk to them like how do we help one another just as a way to help our dating lives but also

looking back, I’m able to recognize that it would take away from a girls night out or like a moment with my girlfriends. And we were also focused on who else was there that we weren’t there with one another. And I know I’m not alone in that. And I know that’s probably one of the hardest, harder parts of being single is feeling like you’re constantly looking over your shoulder of who’s here, who could I date? Is this going to go to a second date? Is it going to go to a third? Where is this going to end? Are we getting married? Is this my person? Like you

everything is going through your mind and then you miss out on what you’ve been mentioning a lot through this episode is the right now, the being in that moment. What do you, what would you say are some of the hardest parts about being single just in your 20s, we’ll say.

Danielle Facchine (36:45.43)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. In my 20s, which I think I might have mentioned this before, is that I was so wrapped up in the idea of, or rather my identity was so wrapped up in the idea of being in a relationship that it did feel hard to let myself experience anything else.

And I think

not having that person, right, that I could go do things with. I felt like seeing everyone else have what I wanted.

Danielle Facchine (37:36.938)
it did feel like everything I did was like a means to an end, right? like you said, every time I went out, was who could I meet and who can I talk to, right? It was what’s the newest app that I can be on to try to meet people. And it’s finding people on the app and like talking and meeting and having it be…

big disappointment most times.

Jess Diamond (38:09.312)
99 % of the time.

Danielle Facchine (38:11.31)
99 % of the time and I being being single.

in your 20s and I think right now where

attention and time is valuable. And what I mean by that is

Danielle Facchine (38:43.416)
things happen so quickly and people make judgments so quickly that there’s not a good opportunity in my opinion to

get to know somebody in sort of a way that like we had when I was in my 20s where there were dating apps, right? Like apps existed. I can’t remember. I might’ve not been really on them until like my 30s though. So I don’t know when those really kind of came about. But you you had opportunities to like meet people and talk to them in person and you have these like in-person experiences with people. And now so much of dating is like online and you’re meeting people and you’re talking through like,

I don’t know, my niece is like, you know, like the group chat and the DMS and Snapchat and all of these things that people, it’s just a quick conversation and people are making judgments on people so quickly that it does sort of feel just like this, gosh, I just feel like anxiety in my body with that. So I think that probably is playing a big part of like being single is.

you know, finding opportunities to meet people where it’s not in this environment where it’s just like very quick and fast paced or like you’re doing it online where you where it’s just like a weird exchange with people sometimes and it’s very short and brief and it’s hard to just get a vibe from a person. But I think to, you know, going through these experiences in your 20s, being single,

having to answer again, like the questions of like, are you seeing anybody? Are you dating anybody? I went for a walk with someone, right? She was pregnant, married, and she wanted to go for a walk, so we went for a walk. And she was complaining the whole time about her husband, who didn’t want to go for a walk with her, who didn’t want to like take care of the baby. And I just listened the whole time.

Danielle Facchine (40:49.558)
The only question she asked me was, are you seeing anybody? Right? Because the only thing she asked me about me, about what was going on in my life. So I think that really contributes to just like the hardest part of being single in general, but I think also in your 20s, because that’s when a lot of things tend to happen for people is, you know, go to college, finish college, get a job, probably already meeting somebody, dating somebody, getting married.

So I would say feeling that feeling of behind, at least for me in my 20s is the biggest thing that kind of like crept up of everybody else is doing all of these things and now I don’t know what to do with my life and I can’t talk to anybody because everybody has a person and no one’s available to go out and everybody’s married now and who do I even go out with and now I’m not gonna go out so I’m just gonna sit at home and feel bad about myself.

Jess Diamond (41:47.88)
Yeah, endless cycle. And I want to add to that is with all these things happening in your 20s, specifically with your friends are finding their, like getting into relationships, they’re getting engaged, they’re getting married, they’re buying houses, they’re moving in together, they’re getting a dog, they’re having kids, like all of those things happen. Honestly, it seems like so quick. Every time I open Facebook or Instagram, it’s another miles relationship milestone for someone else. And

I think a topic that is being brought up a lot more recently is no one celebrates the female unless it is in regards to some kind of relationship milestone. So think putting that into perspective of if you’re single, you’re listening to this and you are single, you need to find reasons to celebrate yourself and get people together to celebrate you. It might feel really uncomfortable. It might feel foreign because

it’s not common for people to gather around and celebrate a female’s promotion for like all your friends to go out with you, be like, you got promoted or you got a job or you lost weight or whatever, like any other milestone that doesn’t revolve around a relationship or relationship milestones is something to definitely keep in mind and put more effort towards so that you’re not in this perpetual state of

I’m constantly celebrating all these other people and I don’t even know if I’ll ever get a turn.

Danielle Facchine (43:19.372)
Yes, I absolutely agree. I wrote down milestones before you said it because I was like, this is where this is going. And I think this is a really important topic because it’s so easy to get lost in other people’s milestones and go, I don’t have that yet. When do I get to celebrate? When do I get to have my registry? And celebrating yourself is something that’s really important. And

Danielle Facchine (43:46.69)
This is where.

Danielle Facchine (43:50.71)
I think there is value in.

Danielle Facchine (43:56.194)
making sure that you’re setting personal goals for yourself, right? When you’re single, instead of sitting around and wishing and waiting and hoping and wanting and comparing your life to, you know, your friend’s Instagram reel, using your single time, right? This period of time, your single era to decide

what things you enjoy, right? Maybe you have no idea. I went through a period of time where I was like, I don’t even know what kind of clothes I like to wear anymore, right? Because I was so corporate for a long time that my whole wardrobe was that. My whole wardrobe was to present this identity of a certain type of person. But then I wasn’t in a corporate environment anymore. And I was like, my whole wardrobe.

sucks. This isn’t me anymore. Right? So you get to like when you’re single, you get to have as many periods of reinvention as you want. You get to change your mind, you get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, how you want it. And on your own timeline, you get to decide what is important for you to celebrate. And maybe that is

buying your first house. Maybe not right now. Maybe it’s tough right now. But maybe it’s buying your first house. Maybe it is getting a promotion at your job. Maybe you got brave and you went to, I don’t know, maybe you found a music festival in like your local county summer guide, right? Like this band sounds awesome.

I’m going to go check them out. And you went and you meticulously planned and you scoped out. This is how I plan when I’m going to something by myself. I do the most. I, where can I park? Do I have to pay for parking? How do I get there? What time should I leave? Give myself a little bit of a buffer. And then you go and you do this thing and you sit and you enjoy this music festival and you have the most fun time.

Danielle Facchine (46:24.974)
and you survived, right? No one laughed at you, no one pointed at you, right? If people are like, there’s that person sitting there by themselves, the truth is people are probably more impressed with you that you were there doing something by yourself because they probably don’t have the courage to do that, right? Go and do these things and celebrate yourself that you did it, that you did something scary because

These celebrations of milestones do not have to be expensive things. Had a baby, got married, bought a house, right? They don’t have to be expensive things. They don’t even have to be a milestone that other people measure. It can just be what you want, right? I read 20 books this year so far. I’m going to celebrate that by going and buying another book, right? That’s going to sit on my shelf and hopefully I’ll read before the end of the year.

Right? Celebrate that you made it through the week. Right? Celebrate that you put your bed frame together. Right? You get to decide what is worthy of celebration and what’s an important milestone for you. And it doesn’t have to be a big thing. And I think that’s really important to celebrate those small wins in your life because you did the thing.

Right? You did the thing and you didn’t need somebody to do it. And this isn’t about like hyper independence of like, I don’t need a man. It’s about celebrating that you as a human are existing and you’re doing things that are hard and you’re doing them by yourself and you’re doing them without the help of someone else because maybe you don’t have that right now or maybe like your friends are busy or maybe you have a small friend group like I do and

you know, not many people are going to like help me carry my mattress up the stairs, right? But

Danielle Facchine (48:31.096)
you get to decide what feels fun for you. there is, gosh, there is so much abundance in being single. And for the people listening that are single right now that ultimately want to get into a relationship, that is okay, right? You get to be both excited about being single and excited about potentially being in a relationship one day. It doesn’t mean…

that just because you’re happy about being single that you have to like.

swear off relationships in the future. I haven’t. I would love to have a partner one day to travel with and, you know, like, get excited about their fantasy football team or, you know, like have them, you know, get excited that I finished this like little crochet project or something or just, you know, someone to like go to parties with or to help me get even further out of my comfort zone. I do want that. But it

doesn’t mean that like right now doesn’t get to feel so fucking good. And when you’re in your twenties and when you’re single or when you’re single period, like unless you have decided to be single for the rest of your life, being single has an expiration date. And you may find that when you get into a relationship, you go, damn, I used to have a lot more free time, but now I have to like check with this guy.

to what we’re doing for this weekend, because what I would really love to do is like watch that new Ted Bundy documentary that came out on Hulu, right? But now I see what we’re doing this weekend, because I need to know how to be like mentally prepared for my weekend when instead it’s like, I can do whatever I want. When I want, I get to decide if I want to like pick up and go take a weekend trip wherever, literally wherever.

Danielle Facchine (50:31.99)
I can do that. I don’t have to check with anybody. And single does not last forever if you don’t want it to. But while it’s here, take advantage of the time. You are in an abundance right now of time and freedom and opportunity to just explore and figure out who you are and what you like and what you don’t like and what your values are.

Do that now in this period of being single. It only sets you up to be available for someone else that is at that level, that you’re not just settling for a relationship because you are embarrassed about being single or that you are so excited about not being single that you’re jumping into a relationship. Like be excited about.

so many other things, but don’t be excited about not being single. Be excited about being single and appreciating this moment. Like life passes either way and you can spend your single era.

judging yourself, shaming yourself. I’m gonna die alone. No one loves me. No one wants to date me. Everything is awful. And it’s okay to have those feelings. I don’t say that in a way to downplay it because I felt all of those things. So feel it for a moment. Give yourself a time limit and say, I’m let myself feel fucking miserable about this for the next day. And then on Sunday, I’m gonna get up.

and I’m going to go find something to do that feels expansive for me so that I can feel like my life has meaning. And it doesn’t have meaning because of other people. It has meaning because I have given it meaning and I have defined my life by

Danielle Facchine (52:39.522)
me and what I like and what makes me happy and feel expansive and fulfilled. And if someone wants to join that in partnership, you better be fucking enhancing it. Because if you’re going to bring me down, there’s no space for you here. And that is where I am in my single period now. And it’s taken me a long time to get there, which is why I love talking so much about being single because I’m hoping that

the experiences that I’ve had and the things that I say will help accelerate someone’s timeline, right? I know I said in beginning timelines don’t exist, but if I can help them accelerate, you know, like their growth into, you know, living an expansive life as a single person, right? Like it’s not, I’m single, it’s I am existing in life and I happen to be single.

Jess Diamond (53:18.08)
Thank

Danielle Facchine (53:35.404)
I happen to not be dating anybody. It is just a temporary, if you want it to be, circumstance. And eventually, things will change. Eventually, you will meet somebody, if that’s what you want. And it might not be tomorrow. You might not be meant to find your person in your 20s. And that’s all right. That’s okay, right? You don’t have to do…

Anything just because you feel like you should you don’t even have to date right now in your 20s if you don’t want to Don’t do it because you feel like you should do it because you want to and if you don’t want to don’t Do it Don’t do it Do other things that make you happy and dating will always be there. It will always be single humans out there right like ready to partner and The more you get to experience life on your own and figure out who you are as a person then

Just that much better, you’re going to attract the right person for you if that is something that you

Jess Diamond (54:38.624)
It’s true. I wanted to play devil’s advocate, but I feel like you encompassed everything of like being in that place of lack, like something’s missing to being single is actually filled with all of this abundance and this opportunity. But I also still want to play the devil’s advocate of the examples you gave just because I know this is where my brain went to last year when I was in my single era and actively trying to get out of it. And that was, okay, I celebrated building my bed frame.

but it would have been faster and easier with someone else. Okay, I celebrated that I went to this concert by myself, but it would have been more fun with someone else, with someone that I’m dating. Like there’s, I know that our brains will default into, but I’m still missing this. It’s that, that but, that big but that is coming into the conversation is take it at face value, celebrate yourself for what you did while also recognizing that you are gonna feel.

sense of lack. You are going to feel like something’s missing. Someone is missing. You want someone in your life in a romantic way and they’re not there yet. That’s going to leave a hole. But as Danielle has been emphasizing throughout this entire episode is that it doesn’t mean that your life stops or that you can’t do anything because you have a hole in a small little part of it. Being in a relationship is not this massive part of you.

It definitely feels that way once you get in one, because it’s super exciting and you’re in love and there’s all these happiness and these feelings and you want that. when you’re single, you crave that, because it does feel like it’s missing, but it’s only missing in one version. You can find and create that love in different aspects of your life. You just have to be willing to look at it in that way.

Danielle Facchine (56:25.07)
Yes, absolutely. And for sure, would things be better with another person? Almost always, right? Almost always. But I think there is still absolutely value in saying, yes, I would have built this bed in half the time if someone had helped me. And that was annoying because everything kept falling and these stupid little plaits on the bottom. Every time I try to pick this heavy ass mattress up and flop it on here,

They scooched around and I had to lift everything and I was hot and was sweaty. Yes, it would have been so much faster and easier with someone here. And that’s thank you for saying that because it’s absolutely valid to feel that way. And. But I still did it, you know, and the next time I have to build a bed, maybe someone will be here. But if not, I know that I have done it for myself and I think validating that you can do things on your own if you have to.

There’s, I think that feels very rewarding to know that, yeah, things are often better with someone else to share them with. Absolutely.

Jess Diamond (57:35.646)
And you can recognize that for yourself. It doesn’t take away from the accomplishment you just did. And then that’s the part that we’re getting at for you guys listening.

Danielle Facchine (57:37.644)
Yeah. Yeah.

That’s right.

Jess Diamond (57:44.82)
But amazing. Thank you so much Danielle for coming on How to 20 something and sharing all of these golden nuggets on being single and why it’s actually a positive and that you should embrace your singleness and not try to rush out of it. You really want to be with someone. But where can people find you if they want to work with you or follow you or ask you questions?

Danielle Facchine (58:06.53)
Yes, I am on Instagram at Danielle underscore Fashin. You can also go to my website. It’s DanielleFashin.com.

You can email me, Danielle at DanielleFishing.com. And those are probably the three main, three main. I’m mostly on Instagram. I am on Facebook, but I’m not really on Facebook.

Jess Diamond (58:30.772)
You’re just a scroller.

Danielle Facchine (58:32.192)
I’m a scroller. That’s for sure exactly right.

Jess Diamond (58:35.186)
Yes, and you guys know that Danielle’s information is already going to be linked in the show notes for you to access right away. So on that note, if you liked what you heard, if you learned something new, if you know someone who claims the negative identity of being single, then please share this episode, send it to that friend post on social media, do something literally anything to let me know that you’re listening and to help me spread knowledge of this podcast to all of the 20 somethings out there.

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode.