Organic vs Online Dating

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something with yet another topic recommended by one of you

Which is a good reminder because if you ever want me to do a deep dive episode on a particular topic then please head to the show notes and submit your request! 

I am always looking for inspiration on what to talk about because I honestly reach a point where I go completely blank with what guest or what subject to discuss

And that’s where you come in, so please please please help me help you by submitting a topic request for an episode

But like I said, this episode was a request and the request was to discuss the differences between organic dating and online dating

And I know I’ve done episodes on online dating and episodes on dating in your twenties in general but this one is to compare and contrast your experience between the two and how to approach the dating world, as well as, to better understand your own preferences

Because there are a lot of differences in the mindset, the outcomes, and the expectations

But there are also some similarities 

And it’s very possible to be successful across both aspects 

I mean my sister met her now husband on bumble, which is wild to say since they just got married a few weeks ago

A friend of mine met her fiance also on bumble and another friend met his girlfriend on tinder

I personally have never had success with online dating, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work

And that’s because it’s a preference

Anyone can use an app to help them with their dating life, but not everyone is going to approach it with an open mind like you would in the wild, or organically

And by that, I mean I stand by my opinion that dating apps are superficial because and I want to emphasize the because since organic meetups also have a superficial aspect to them with an initial level of attraction, but dating apps don’t give you a full vibe of someone

Think of dating apps like a highlight reel of someone’s life where your first impression is do I like this person’s face, ok keep scrolling, do I like this person’s age, height, occupation, location, and whatever else they have on there in the initial bio portion

Like their sign, their political affiliation, if they have pets or want pets, and if they want kids or have kids

Cool, all those boxes look good so far, keep scrolling – try to get a personality vibe from this online profile, then if all is good you swipe right, hope you match, send a message, and go from there

There are a lot of steps that occur between the initial impression to even exchanging the very first message

Where with an in person meeting, you’re going to exchange words, get their vibe, and decide if you find them attractive or not all within the first 2 minutes and all at the same time

If you’re anything like me, you’re big on people’s energies to which you cannot gauge from an online profile

Thereby making online dating a lot more difficult to peruse through with the hopes of finding your match

I find online dating to also be a lot more mentally draining because you’re going to have to go through a lot of ugly ducklings before you find someone you think could be a good fit

Which is different from being in the real world because on an app you’re being exposed to a lot more people at one given time than you are just casually existing 

And then there’s the aspect of having too many options that you don’t end up with any

This is where I see a lot of the problems in online dating come up

It’s called the paradox by choice and it’s a term that originated from psychologist Barry Schwartz, which suggests that having too many options can lead to anxiety, dissatisfaction, and difficulty making a decision

In regards to online dating, it’s the dissatisfaction and difficulty in making a decision that leads to the constant desire to search for someone new, in the hopes that there is someone better

Then to add to all of that, when/if you do find someone you like and the first date goes well and now you are going on multiple dates, how do you know if the other person has removed themselves from being an option in the online dating world

Or in other words, having to have the conversation if you both are done with apps, if they have deleted their profile

I can tell you right now, I am in a relationship and I still have a hinge profile out in existence and so does he

I haven’t had the app downloaded since the end of the summer, and that was because I was done with dating apps and had fully surrendered to spending any more time swiping through profiles, but I do still have a profile  

And I know it’s a cause of conflict or mistrust for a lot of couples who do meet online

So if that’s you, or if you do find yourself in this position, then you need to have a conversation with the person you’re seeing about where you are at with deleting the app vs keeping the app

Sure I can agree that this conversation is almost synonymous to are we in a relationship/exclusive

And there is a right way and a whole bunch of wrong ways to approach this conversation

I’m going to give you an example of a right way so you don’t fuck this up, over analyze, or put a ton of pressure on the other person to have a decision made the second you have your decision made

When you go to have this conversation you need to 

1. Release any and all outcomes
2. Know what you want and communicate from that place
3. Have it in person

For example, you could say, hey I’ve been thinking about us and I know I don’t want to see other people or continue to be on the dating apps. I like you and I like where this is going, so I wanted to communicate that to you.

And you can follow it up with a question asking what their thoughts are or where they’re at

Or you can just leave with the first part and just inform them of your own thoughts and feelings

Again releasing the outcome from the other person or the response you really really hope they give

Because obviously if you’re ready to speak up for what you want, you’re going to want the other person to be on the same page

But you forget, some people are slower readers and you need to be okay with that when you go to initiate 

This is unrelated to online dating story, but related to communication 

Because whether it comes to online dating or organic dating, you will reach a point in your dating stage where you’re going to need to and want to have these kinds of conversations

And it’s when I was a little over a month into dating my now boyfriend, I knew I didn’t want to date anyone else, we hadn’t had the talk yet but it didn’t really matter to me because I felt secure with him and with where we were at

However, I got asked out on a date with someone from my improv class and so i told my guy that i got asked out

And here’s how it went: I knew I wasn’t ready to have the what are we talk and I knew from my intuition that he wasn’t either but I did know where I stood and that’s what I communicated 

I said hey this is not a what are we talk, I’m just letting you know I got asked out on a date for this weekend and I don’t want to date anyone else besides you

He was cute with response because he tried to explain that I was free to do whatever I wanted because we were not exclusive yet, we had not had this discussion yet 

To which i told him shut up and that I was just letting him know I don’t want to date other guys

Moral of the story, communication goes a long long way and you need to learn how to be able to communicate your needs and where you stand so there is no gray area

Gray areas lead to a ross and rachel situation of they were on a break.. Because were they on a break? 

And if you’ve seen friends, I really hope you get that reference

Like I said, whether it comes to online dating or organic dating, these bigger, seemingly scary conversations are going to come up

So you need to be at a place where you are secure with yourself enough to release the other person

Because we can’t control other people

We can only control ourselves, our thoughts, our actions, and our reactions and that’s the place you need to be at with yourself before you approach the person you are seeing

The goal of the conversation should be to voice your own thoughts and not try to get what you want from the other person or even manipulate them into telling you what you want to hear because you’re feeling anxious

Focusing back on online dating, which is the most common way to date in today’s world, I will say there are some clear benefits that organic dating does not offer 

For example, online dating means you know for sure someone’s intention – you know what they’re looking for, that they’re single, and that you have a shot if you want to shoot it

Providing they are truthful on their profile

Apps take a lot of guesswork out the equation as well as the uncomfortable face to face risk of rejection

I think this bodes well for men more than women because on average men do the asking out.. I’m not saying women don’t or can’t.. I mean I’ve definitely shot my shot to a guy or two in person and on the apps, I’m just saying it’s not as common for the girl to make the first move

But, men also risk making a woman uncomfortable or reading the wrong signals and I know that’s something a decent man definitely wants to avoid, when it comes to approaching a girl in person

In which case, dating apps are the seemingly easier way to go

You just have to know yourself and what you’re looking for

Which goes back to setting clear intentions, deciding if you’re someone who needs to date multiple people at once and then basically pick one of the options, or if you’re a one and done kind of person

While also knowing, that the other person on the other side of the app could view dating entirely differently

Again looping it back to how important communication is throughout the different stages of dating

For example, I’m someone who knows right off the bat if I want another date with this person

I’m that way with everything where it’s either a confident, hell yes or it’s a no

I’m like this with shopping for clothes, with people, with apartments, with big decisions

Because I know that if i’m on the fence, if i’m like ‘hmmmm I don’t know’ or ‘maybe’ that it’s really no because when it is a yes it is a fuck yes 

But I also know that not everyone is like that and when it comes to dating that other person might be someone who pursues a maybe because it could later turn into a fuck yes

In my personal opinion, you both pretty much know by date 4 or 5 if this is going to be something worth pursuing, so if you’re still in the I don’t know phase then you’re probably not interested or not fully present to this person.. Which again means you’re probably not interested in seeing where things go long term

But dating apps aren’t a bad way to meet someone, and they definitely aren’t anything to be ashamed of when people ask how you guys met

But they do have a history of being more discouraging

Because you’re constantly seeing all of the single people that exist in your area and you’ve reached your wits ends on dead end first dates, wondering when you’re going to get quote unquote lucky and find a suitable partner

Dating online is a vastly different experience than dating organically and it’s because of the frequency of interactions with other single people, the ratio of meeting a stranger to going on a date that will hopefully lead to a second date, then a third, and so on, and the overall process of finding someone you think might be worth the time, energy and money to date

Meeting someone in person takes a lot longer, it requires you to leave your bedroom, and you risk face to face rejection

In which case go listen to episode 88 as that one is all about overcoming rejection when it happens

If you’ve listened to any of my other dating episodes, you would know I am definitely not a fan of meeting a stranger off the internet

Any relationship or situationship i’ve ever been in, i’ve met the guy in person first

And it’s because if I don’t like your vibes in our first interaction you very easily get removed from the dating portion of my brain

I also think, whether you consider yourself spiritual or not, you have a level of intuition that comes through when you initially interact with a stranger

And that’s the benefit of an organic meetup because you get to vet this person without the pressure of being on a first date

It’s a low commitment, low risk way of weeding through potential partners

Because you haven’t agreed to a one on one scheduled interaction with this person.. You’re simply existing, and have somehow run into them whether it’s at a bar, playing sports, at run club, doing work at a coffee shop

And if you like this person’s energy and have place them in the ‘i could date you’ category of your brain, then you get to decide if you want to carve out time in your life to spend it getting to know this person a little better

My best friend Bri also likes to preach being friends with someone first and not only putting them in the date or not boxes to also alleviate the pressures that comes with dating

Pressures like do you kiss or not, do you see a future with this person or not (because yes I know some of you think this right out of the gates), are you sexually attracted to them

All the pesky thoughts that flood your mind because you’ve labeled this first hangout as a date

I know I put guys in boxes and therefore put a lot of pressure on the first date and I know I’m not alone when it comes to mentally categorizing people you meet with how you want to pursue or not pursue any kind of relationship with them

But then I would get really discouraged when the date didn’t go well

Except with my current boyfriend, i fully had given up on dating and was down in the dumps and then I met him and he expressed an interest in me and kept a good conversation so I figured eh why not I’ll go on a first date with him without the added pressure

And it lead to a relationship

However, I did not go into it with the friendship mentality.. I went into it with hmm yeah i’ll go on a date, see if I like you enough to date you

But I know I did have low expectations and he far exceeded what I was expecting 

So while Bri doesn’t think there’s a difference between a friendship developing and a romantic relationship developing, I do 

I think your brain is emotionally charged in a different way when you are potentially romantically interested in someone versus only seeing them as a friend 

So i standby my opinion that whenever we meet anyone we subconsciously place them into a box from acquaintance to friend to coworker to lover to enemy

It’s just what happens it’s our natural intuition

Another difference between organic dating and online dating is that there is less of a selection bias when it comes to organic meetups 

Especially for us females and it’s mainly because men do not photograph well

But in all seriousness, you are less picky when you are out and about in real life versus when on the apps

And this is regards to level of attractiveness, height, age, location, job, literally everything and anything that you use to immediately decide if you are going to swipe right or left on a person goes away, for the most part, when you’re in the real world

And it’s because you are selecting from a seemingly smaller pool and not directly comparing one person to another back to back… again looping it back to having too many options and constantly waiting for someone better to come along

But overall, there are are lot of differences in how you mentally approach dating when it comes to meeting someone virtually versus meeting someone out in the wild

You’re going to have a lot more dates when you’re dating online, but you’re also going to have a lot more frustrations

I know I would much more frustrated when I was dating last year and using the apps to help me because of how many first dates lead to absolutely nothing

But I was going on more dates and honestly, I needed the practice of hanging out with a stranger 

The bottomline is, how you date is up to you but you do need to set realistic expectations

And know that regardless of if it’s in person or online, it’s a numbers game

You’re going to go on a lot of dead end first dates until you never have to go on a first date again

There’s success in both types of dating, so if you’re part-taking in both, if you’re swiping online AND leaving your bedroom for real life interactions, then you’re going to increase your chances of success

And if you’re feeling discouraged then take a break, because you’re not putting your best self out there when you are feeling fed up with the single life

In summary, of this entire episode: how you approach dating is going to differ per the individual, the avenue of meeting one another, and the ratio of success to, not failure but, not success

Hopefully this helped clear up your mentality around organic versus online dating so you can go into these approaches with the appropriate mindset

And good luck

But thank you for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something. If you liked what you heard, if you agree or even disagree with what I had to say, then let me know, and if you benefited from this episode then please share it, send it to a friend or post it to your story on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode