Nothing changes if nothing changes

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You’re listening to how to twenty something, the best podcast that helps both men and women navigate their twenties and learn how to “adult” across all aspects of their lives

We’re going to focus on career, relationships, finances, fitness, nutrition, and all of the common challenges and obstacles a typical twenty something will face in this post-college life

I’m your host, Jess Diamond, and I am the CEO and founder of Jess Diamond Coaching where I help young professionals get their shit together, gain their confidence, and own their life

No one prepares you for this adulting world so allow me to help you feel like you are no longer a chicken running around with its head cut off, and that you actually know what the hell is going on and what your next step to take is

Welcome to How To Twenty Something

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Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is centered around that feeling of stuckness

Where you’re not quite happy with where you are, but have no direction, maybe even feel like no option, to change your situation

I’ve done similar episodes like this is not your forever, but it is your right now and if you’re unhappy with where you’re at

But this topic different in the sense that you’re not willing to make the necessary changes that will then change your circumstances

This is all stemming from a conversation I was having with a personal training client of mine

Where for the last year he has nonstop complained about his job, how stressful it is, how he doesn’t trust his manager, how it’s impacting his mental health and sleep and health overall

And as his trainer, who sees him 4 times a week, I have basically switched from being his trainer to being his life coach and lowkey unlicensed therapist

So one morning a few weeks ago from when I’m planning this episode out, he came in to the gym and again said he could not work out because he felt ill

Now, anyone else I have a high level of compassion for of yes take rest, you need it

But with this client this is an everyday conversation, so I cut through the bullshit and called him out

He pushes back and asks if we can just go for a walk

We do this often

Sometimes we walk in silence and other times I let him talk and I’ll chime in if I’m feeling spicy

And on this particular day, I was feeling spicy

Because I reached my breaking point of dealing with his complaints when he hasn’t made any moves to try to improve his work situation AT ALL

Mind you, we had just taken an entire week off because I was volunteering at experience camps

So I thought great, whole week off, ready for the next phase of his programming, he should be refreshed

And when he was actually in worse shape, in every capacity, than before we took a week off, I was ready bring down the hammer

And I challenged him with what he could change about his career

That if it is causing him this much stress and duress for an entire year, something’s got to change

Because nothing changes, if nothing changes

So let’s talk about why it is human nature to stay stuck even when where you are is miserable, how to start taking steps to get unstuck, and what to do when your brain starts to talk you out of it

Because on this walk with my client, I was hitting him with questions, reflections, realizations, and then was very straightforward and said what he could change

And he was unwilling to make any of these changes

That the pay would drop and that was important 

And then it became actually it’s the title that’s important, not the pay

Actually I don’t trust anyone in finance and i’m going to be stressed everywhere so I might as well have the nice paycheck

Actually my health is the most important thing and it’s being affected

Actually that doesn’t matter at all I can’t make any of these changes

Basically, this client just wants to complain and not do anything about it

And one thing you should know about me is I don’t throw pity parties for people when there are clear courses of action that could be taken

And if you don’t take any of them then you need to be honest with yourself that you just like complaining and are unwilling to do anything to change your circumstances

Not unable, there are times in life when you are unable to change things and that sucks and I’m sorry, but when you are unwilling you’re just being dumb

And you’re letting your reptilian brain win

The brain that hates change, is paralyzed by the unknown and the future, and then super anxious at the same time about the unknown and the future and all the things that haven’t happened 

We seek comfort in the familiar, and I’ve said this on other episodes before, that the familiar is a way for your brain to guarantee you will survive whatever this is

Because what your brain doesn’t know, it believes will result in imminent death

It makes no sense to anyone on the outside, but to you trading your current misery for a potentially different level of misery is a risk you’re not wanting to take

And you just need to be honest with yourself and the people around you

The people on the outside look at you like you’re crazy that if you truly are miserable or unhappy and this thing is causing you so much stress, why not just change it

Because obviously anything different will better than what you’re experiencing right now

But here’s the thing… you know what to expect with your misery right now

You know what to expect from this job even when what you expect is misery

You know what to expect from this relationship even when what you expect is disappointment

The unknown is a threat to your nervous system so it convinces you to stay exactly where you are

And then you fall into your own complaint loop.. Which has been this client for an entire year

Where complaining becomes your only source of relief or you just want a place to vent, for people to feel sorry for you, or for someone else to step in and make the changes for you

Like with this client, he would rather sit and complain than say something and just hope that his boss gets the memo and changes his ways

Which if you’ve been listening to me long enough, you already know that waiting for someone else to change is like waiting for rain in this drought

Hopeless and disappointing 

And if you don’t get that reference then you need to go watch a cinderella story

You cannot bank on someone else stepping up and changing things for the better, you are the only one who is in charge of your own life and situation

So stop complaining about it and do something

Then there’s the sunk cost trap which is one of the sneakiest traps out there

And i see happen a lot with my coaching clients

Where they’ve already invested this much time, energy, and money so they can’t leave, otherwise it’ll all feel like it was a waste of that time, energy, and money

Being at a job a few years, in a relationship for a few years, going to school and getting a degree for this career path

But staying somewhere purely because you’ve already invested in it is not loyalty or strength, or perseverance, or grit, it’s fear

You’re afraid of admitting defeat, that you were wrong, of what’s next, if what’s next could be worse and you took this for granted

So many fears

But the cost of staying is outweighing the cost of leaving

It’s possible you already know all this, but the changes in your head are too big and too scary

So let’s figure out what small changes you can start making that will have a ripple effect to the large changes you desperately need

Sometimes the right call is the big measure: quit the job, end the relationship, move to a new city, ctrl alt delete your life

Sometimes it’s a much smaller change that can be made that will make a big difference

Sometimes it’s your own mindset like how this client is a pessimist so no matter what he’s going to have something in his life to complain about or be miserable about

So you need to specifically ask yourself what’s making you unhappy

Is it a certain action your partner takes that upsets you that could be resolved with a conversation

Is it your managers managing style and it’s just one person making you unhappy so you could look for a different team, which i understand is easier said than done

Is it the pay that makes you think this isn’t worth it and you can ask for more or go to a different company

Back when I was working at F45 a group fitness franchise and my studio was sold to new owners, I was dealing with a lot of their bullshit and my own personal life was up in flames so I said I quit and the low pay isn’t worth staying

She responded with you’re right, we’re increasing your pay

And the amount she said was something I liked to hear so I stayed.. Until it got so toxic but that was a year and a half later

The pay adjustment made me happier to put up with some nonsense and changes they were making 

But you need to get specific with the one thing troubling you because then the problem becomes more solvable 

The next thing you need to identify for yourself is if you’re the problem

Is the situation you’re facing right now a pattern that seems to follow you?

Like are you constantly dating the quote un quote bad boy who treats you like shit but that’s a way you’ve learned to receive love and you probably need to talk to a therapist to help you with that trauma response

In all honesty though, you’re going to come across those people that are unhappy at every job, in every relationship, in every city

And if that’s you, then at some point you need to wake up and realize you’re the common denominator of all your problems and sources of unhappiness 

Like how my client is a pessimist and an extremist so his problems will most likely follow him everywhere until he fixes his own outlook

Which is key, your pattern can be broken and it doesn’t necessarily require some drastic change in your life to do so, just a change in your mindset

Thirdly, focus on what you have control over

A lot of times we spend so much energy on all the parts of the situation that we cannot change

But you can control how you respond, what you ask for, what boundaries you set, and what you decide to do next

Because now you’re no longer trying to solve everything, you’re just trying to figure out your next thing

And then, as I mentioned earlier in this episode, your next problem will be tackling your mind gremlins that will try their very hardest to talk you out of it

Why now is not the right time, why you’re not ready, why it won’t work, why you should just wait it out

To which I want to remind you that it’s never going to feel like the right time and readiness isn’t a feeling that will just come

At no point are you going to wake up and everything is going to be perfect for you to make this change

It’s saying yes before you know how, or doing it scared 

So for right now, just focus on your next step

One thing that will help move you forward even 1% 

And then stop negotiating with your own brain or with your own excuses

Because this client I was on a walk with, I was hitting him with solution after solution and every time I did, he had some kind of reason as to why he wouldn’t do it

Which is so funny because 30 minutes into this conversation he goes “Here’s what we’re going to do because I’m very solution oriented”

Ya’ll i had to bite my tongue BECAUSE NO YOU AREN’T

Anywho when your brain is fighting itself of should I stay or should I go, and you need to differentiate between a real risk and risk disguised as fear as a way for your brain to protect you

And then make sure someone is holding you accountable which is where working with a coach will come in super handy because you bet your bottom dollar I will follow up with you on how that action went

Because how else are you going to expect things to change

Hence why, nothing changes if nothing changes

But you have to be willing to make those changes one step at a time

So that is how i’m going to end this episode, thank you for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, felt called out, or know someone who needs to hear this then please share this episode

Give it a 5 star rating, share it to your story or send it to a friend just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode