The sneakiest fear: the fear of success

Welcome back to how to twenty-something, with me, your host, Jess, and today I want to come on here and talk to you about your sneakiest fear

This topic has come up with a lot of clients lately and they don’t even realize it’s happening until I bring it to their attention

And we need it brought to our attention so we can better understand how our fear is trying to sabotage us from what we want most

You see, we all experience fear, that’s a given, it’s unavoidable and earlier this year I gave a workshop on the top 5 confidence killing fears and what to do about them

Which, side note, if you want to stay up to date on my upcoming workshops, insight into the episode for that week, and receive a life hack of the month every month then you should really join my email list

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Both of those can be found at jessdiamondcoaching.com the assessment is jessdiamondcoaching.com/adulting and is also linked in the show notes for your convenience

But, back on topic, in that fear workshop I said all of the fears we have operate under the overarching umbrella fear, the fear of the unknown, where your brain is trying it’s best to protect you from what you don’t know

That protection prevents you from taking risks on yourself and presents a really convincing argument as to why you should continue living exactly as you are

Even if what you’re currently experiencing is undesirable

Your fear of the unknown reasons that this experience that you aren’t loving right now is still better than what we don’t know could happen if we decide to change our course of action

In other words, your brain is convinced that what it doesn’t know will in fact kill you

Even if it’s something as simple as going somewhere new

One of my clients right now gets a lot of anxiety walking into a new building and I told her that’s pretty normal as our brains are wired for survival at all times

So even though logically we know there probably isn’t an ax murderer on the other side of that door waiting for you to walk into the library, your brain is conditioned to believe there could be

And I mean yeah, in today’s world there honestly could be, as in there isn’t a 0% chance, but for the most part you know walking into a library is safe, it’s more so uncomfortable that you don’t know where to go so your body’s response is fight, flight, or freeze

And that’s where anxiety comes in

None of us have a crystal ball and can see into the future or know what could happen next and that’s why the fear of the unknown is accompanied with the top five confidence killing fears

Which the fiver are the fear of rejection, the fear of regret, the fear of judgment, the fear of failure, and the fear of success and it’s that last one that I’m going to be talking to you about today

Like I said, your fears aren’t bad, they are designed to keep you alive

My coach likes to say our brain is designed to help you survive, not thrive

However, in today’s modernized world we are trained to want to thrive making it very conflicting on your brain

So it’s on you to seek out the resources that are trained to help you thrive and remind your brain that you’re going to survive and if you don’t, well then there’s nothing to worry about any longer

But, this is where working with a coach really comes in handy because most of the time your coach has already gone through something similar and can help you navigate those murky waters for yourself

So there’s less of an unknown that your brain is freaking out over

And with that is coming up with multiple different ways to calm your brain down as well as set up a way to celebrate yourself after you did the damn thing

All of us have fears of the unknown that range from walking into a new room to moving across the country to leaving your relationship to changing careers

There is no way to know what happens next, but if you put a rough plan in place for what you could do next, it becomes a little bit more tolerable to manage

Most people come to me because their fears are stopping them dead in their tracks and they don’t know how to move forward

It’s as though their brain is fighting itself where they envision this amazing life and big dreams for themselves and then become too afraid to actually make moves towards that or don’t even know how to take that first step

I work on my fears regularly because I know they’ll never go away, they just become easier to recognize and manage and then my coach and therapist help me move the needle so I can be the coach for all of you and the other twenty-somethings out there

Now, today’s episode is not about all of the fears because that’s what the workshop was for, but I did want to come on here and talk to you about the most sneaky fear hiding under the fear of the unknown and that is the fear of success

Your fear of success is holding you back from all of the experiences and adventures you want for yourself and serves as way to pop up as a roadblock trying to veer you off track

And you might be thinking, a fear of success? Who wouldn’t want to be successful?

So it sounds counterintuitive and that’s why it’s so damn sneaky!!

I was on a call with a new client and this exact topic came up so we can thank him for inspiring me to make this episode

Today’s episode is going to help you see where your fear of success is surfacing and what you can do about it while also looking for the sneaky ways your brain is trying to self-sabotage you

So let’s get into it

The fear of success actually has a name and it’s called achievemephobia

Kind of like how a fear of spiders is arachnophobia

Except this fear is purely psychological and not based on an 8 legged creepy caller with invisible webs flying out of it’s butt and could bite you

And yes, i have arachnophobia

Achievemephobia is feeling anxious or afraid about achieving goals or reaching higher levels of accomplishment

It’s an anxiety about what changes lie ahead as a result of reaching success and can be really unsettling

Those changes could be more responsibility which puts pressure on you to not mess up

Or less free time to lounge around

Fear of success also leads to imposter syndrome like who am I to do this or have this, or you doubt your abilities and attribute this success to luck

It’s also the fear of what if I get it all and then lose it all

It’s a fear of who you might lose or leave behind as you climb to the top

It’s the fear that nothing will change when you become successful, meaning you aren’t any more happy, any more loved, or any more accepted so your success and the entire journey you went through would have been for nothing

It’s even not wanting to receive too much attention out of the fear or lack of desire for scrutiny that could come with success, especially from people online

It’s also being afraid that your success will take away from someone else’s, as in if you get promoted that means your favorite coworker sally-mae did not

We all experience a fear of success when we’re on a mission to up-level our current life or situation, so know that this is completely normal

The new client who inspired this episode has a fear of success where he’s afraid that if he achieves everything he sets out on, there’s not going to be anything less

He phrased it as what if there’s no other mountain to climb, what if this is it

Lately, I’ve been fortunate enough to experience a fear of success when it comes to my business and dating life in relation to my time

I become a afraid of having too many clients that I won’t be able to manage them all while still taking care of myself and living my life – it’s a very good problem to have that people are seeking me out, yet my brain is like ahh you’re going to get so overwhelmed

Even though I know i have impeccable time management skills and will not bite off more than I can chew

This fear of success also comes in the form of imposter syndrome where I think who am I to coach other people or wait, they trust me? Even though I’ve been doing this line of work for several years now and all of my clients have had incredible success

My fear of success around dating stems from two places – one of which is the fear of heartbreak which is a risk that comes with finding your person

And the fear of not being able to thrive in my business because my now free time is spent with this person

Maybe for you, your fear of success comes with a promotion where you really do want a promotion at your work but you’re afraid of the additional tasks and responsibilities that come with it and/or you experience imposter syndrome where you think: who am I to have this role, I have no idea what I’m even doing

Or you have a similar fear of success around dating as I do

I had a client last year whose fear of success was centered around her body

She would self-sabotage and not do her action steps and it’s because that underlying fear was there where her brain was like what if you get the body of your dreams and are so healthy but nothing in your life changes as a result

So for her it meant she wasn’t any more happy and was still single and the only thing that’s changed was her appearance

That’s when we got to have a conversation about how showing up for herself and putting herself first will help her be successful as a nurse and feel happier overall

And what ended up happening was she got some pretty high recognition awards from her work and during our time together found the love of her life and yes, I checked in with her recently and she’s still in her happy relationship

But initially, her fear of success was talking her out of changing her habits that she knew weren’t helping her reach her goals

When your fear of success comes barging through the doors of your mind, your instinctual reaction is to lean into it and self-sabotage the success you’re after

Whether that’s eating junk food, running away from a potential match, slacking off at work so you don’t get promoted, taking no action whatsoever so procrastinating what you need to do to move you forward like not updating your resume or applying for jobs, piling up your schedule so you don’t have time to get your heart broken

I’ve had people tell me they don’t have the money for coaching but then go buy a brand new laptop when nothing was wrong with theirs in the first place or I had one potential client say she needs to save money for coaching first and then went and paid for her parents to take a trip somewhere just because she thought they deserved an all expense paid trip

People will binge on food or go back to their old habits when they’re close to reaching a health milestone

People will search far and wide for what’s wrong with a potential mate so they stay single

The fear of success even comes in the form of dismissing compliments or achievements

I think this is true especially for females, for some reason we feel the need to give a compliment back or downplay the one we received, instead of just saying thank you and accepting the compliment for what it is

I know I’m guilty of this, one of my girlfriends even told me recently that I’m beautiful in person and I photograph well and in response I was like oh I don’t really photograph well and she was like just take the damn compliment and say thank you

You’re in this constant battle with your own brain of wanting more but wanting life to remain exactly as it is again out of fear of what could happen next or as a result of this newfound success

So how do we overcome this fear after first recognizing how it presents itself in our life?

Well, there are actually a lot of things you can do, which I’ll explain, but first I want to give you my four steps

Step 1 is to paint the picture of what this success looks like

I usually have a new client do this to some extent, so I know what it is they truly want out of their life

You can write this out in the form of a day in the life when you feel you reached the level of success you’re after

But it’s basically writing out and getting really clear on what you will be doing, being, and having as a result of you achieving your goals

It’s creating a clear mental picture of your desired future

This leads to step 2 which is what else will become possible as a result of this success or in other words what will you be able to do that you can’t do right now

Maybe with the promotion at work you’ll be able to afford a nice vacation for yourself

Or with a new relationship you’ll be able to do cute couple-y activities this fall

Or when you have better health you’ll feel more inclined to do more active social events like pickup sports or run club

Step 3 is who else might benefit as a result

This is a two parter because one part of focusing on who else will benefit shifts the focus from how someone could judge you or who you could lose and places a greater emphasis on how your success will lead to someone else’s increase in success and happiness

As humans we naturally want to help other people so this third step is really useful for when your little mind gremlins try to talk you out of seeing this venture through to the other side

It’s shifting the focus from seeking external validation and approval and tying your self worth to your success to being in full control of your decisions and the way your life pans out

Like maybe your parents will be less stressed because you’re becoming more financially secure and responsible

Maybe your friends won’t be as worried about your health

Maybe you’ll be able to take things to the next level in your relationship

Maybe taking that promotion will help your company thrive and other people will get to keep their jobs instead of being laid off

Your success will always bleed into other people’s lives in very positive ways and we need to keep that in mind to help encourage us to keep going on this path

And finally step 4 is to celebrate your damn achievements

You need to set smaller, incremental goals, and acknowledge every win you collect along the way

Similar to acknowledging how your success will benefit other people, acknowledging these wins will also motivate you to want to keep going while also creating evidence that you’re not going to die from this success, that it’s possible for you to achieve and that your world isn’t burning down because you took a step toward making your vision become your reality

Some other helpful tactics to pushing past your fear of success is to normalize the challenges that come with success, make a plan to combat your fears 

Like what time boundaries you’ll set when you get into a new relationship so you don’t leave your single friends behind, or what tasks you’ll be able to delegate out when you get promoted and are assigned with newer and greater responsibilities

Or even where to invest your new money that you’re bringing in so you don’t lose it all and end up bankrupt

Or have a cute outfit waiting for you to wear when you reach that new and improved body

And the last thing I want to touch on when it comes to your success is for you to know that mistakes are part of the journey to the top

It’s okay to make mistakes as long as you don’t sit in your own self-pity for too long

I said it at the beginning of this episode and I’m going to say it again: our brains are built to survive not thrive

But in today’s modern world all we want is to thrive so it’s against our human nature and every fiber in our being yet we are drawn to the game of reaching our next level

Implementing all of these strategies does take time and effort and it’s not something a 20 minute episode is going to immediately cure

So if after listening to this episode you’re realizing that you are standing in your own way of the life you really want but don’t know how to step aside or how to move forward then it’s time you and I had a conversation

I help my clients create a solid foundation in their habits from what they’re eating to how they cope with life so that we can move into their vision of success and the road map it takes to get there with me as your guide

Whether that success is becoming a stay at home parent, the ceo of your own business, a complete career change, or moving to new zealand

I haven’t said my famous quote in a while but as your coach, I don’t tell you how to live your life, I teach you how to make your life worth living

So if that’s what you’re after, a life that is worth waking up to almost every day, since I can’t guarantee every day, then go head to the show notes and click the let’s chat link and schedule a time to talk with me

But, if there’s anything I want you to takeaway from this episode it’s that your fear of success is perfectly normal, but if you’re letting it drive all your actions or lack thereof, that’s when it’s not okay

And that I am the resource to help you overcome all of your own obstacles and self sabotaging tendencies

And on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, if your eyes opened up to the ways you’re getting in your own, or if you know someone who has a tendency to self-sabotage – cough cough we all do, then please pass this episode along, share it with a friend, sibling, cousin, someone or post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode