How are you holding yourself back?

Welcome back to How To Twenty-Something, today’s episode falls under the category of self sabotage and the many ways it can show up, most of which you might not even realize you’re doing, and also in ways I’m about to call you out on

You see, i create episodes based off of conversations I have with other people whether that be clients, family members, friends, and even with myself and sabotage has been surfacing a lot recently so I figured it was probably time to create an episode on the topic

Even the first book my book club read together back in the fall was the Mountain is You and if you have not read that book yet, allow me to be the one to recommend to you as it provided a lot of eye opening moments, some of which I’ll bring into this episode

It really does let you know that you are your own mountain, you are the one thing standing in the way of the life you want when compared to the life you have, yet we tend to become paralyzed in this thought process of changing our ways, which is why we continue to operate exactly as we are – it’s almost this safe haven we’ve created for ourselves

Even when we know it’s not serving us well

We all self-sabotage in MANY different ways, it’s almost human nature to do so, when you don’t know any different

But once you become aware of how it’s showing up for you, you can then work to overcome it – remember awareness in everything we do is the key to changing our ways

So, today I’m going to walk you through some of the different ways I see people self sabotage, the different ways I’ve caught myself falling into my own traps, as well as what to do about it, and maybe even shift your perspective as to how you look at situations so that you don’t continue to hold yourself back

Let’s begin with defining self-sabotage.. Self-sabotage refers to the behaviors, thoughts, or actions that individuals engage in that undermine their own success, well-being, or goals. 

This could be on a conscious or subconscious level where you take actions that hinder your progress or even create additional obstacles for yourself that either prevent you or really slow you down from your desired outcomes

It can show up in every single area of your life which is why I’m talking to you about it today because of how common it is and how severely overlooked it is when someone is frustrated that they haven’t lived up to their own expectations, solely by their own doings

The bottomline is, that you are in charge of your own experiences whether that be good or bad, so it’s time to take matters into your hands and see how you are the one standing in the way of your desired outcomes

Sabotage is really highlighted in one of my clients right now, and when we first started working together, it was quite clear that her self sabotage originates from this fear of success, as in she is afraid of the life that becomes possible for her when she has a more confident and healthy body

It plays into the story of what if no one loves me still, what if it wasn’t the weight that was unlovable but me as a person

And that’s a real fear to have, in fact most forms of sabotage stem from some underlying fear that you have, with this particular  client it’s a matter of building the trust and belief in herself that she’s on this journey for her and that she is fully capable of becoming healthy, confident, and strong and will find someone who love her regardless of the number being presented on the scale

But her sabotage will surface time and time again, when every time I work to progress her towards her goals she hits some mental roadblock that prevents her from following through.. As a coach it’s so frustrating to see but also as a coach it’s my job to walk her through her own obstacles so she does become successful

And while she also wants to see progress as quickly as possible.. Her own belief system won’t allow her to actually take the necessary action to see results in a quick-er way, because health is not quick at least doing it the right way is not quick

So we have to take things one micro step at a time and that’s my job to figure out for her and reassure her that even a micro step in the right direction is progress and to release the all or nothing mindset that you either do it perfectly or not at all

Her self-sabotage is getting in her own head and talking herself out of being able to take some action steps or feeling frozen in what that first step to take even is so she procrastinates until there is literally no time left to do what needs to get done and what happens as a result is she will sacrifice some aspect of her health goals to meet the deadline of something else that she waited to do.. And it’s something we get to work through together in our sessions

But enough about her, let’s talk about the ways you could be holding yourself back

The examples I’m going to cover today are when people identify as a certain personality trait, overly book their schedule, hide out from society, end relationships or hop into new ones, procrastinate as I just mentioned, rebel against time or food, and make excuses for not being able to do something

Buckle up because we’ve got a lot to go through

But like I said, all forms of self sabotage stem from some insecurity, fear, or limiting belief about your own capabilities

I’m going to go through each example with the hopes that you can see where it shows up for you and how to begin to work through it when it does show up

Starting with personality traits… I actually had a conversation with a friend about this a few months ago because she said she loved knowing what her personality type was and how it affected her communication styles and such and I said I think the tests on what personality type you have, whether that’s myers-briggs or enneagrams, or even as simple as identifying as an introvert or extrovert, puts you in a box

So while it can give you valuable insight, which I’ll get into, it can also be your way of self-sabotaging

Like based on the answer this test gives you, give you tunnel vision that basically excuses all behaviors and actions that support that personality trait

And I’m guilty of doing this too – we all are at one point or another

I’ve mentioned several times now that I’m an introvert and while that’s true I also know that last year I was fully identifying by that title

I would reason that it’s okay to not have plans on the weekend because I’m an introvert and I don’t like going out or I’m an introvert so I don’t make plans because that’s not what introverts do

Or even I’m an introvert I want to be alone on a Friday night and Saturday night and similarly I’m an introvert I hate going to crowded bars so it’s better for me to stay home all alone and not even try to find something else to do

And what ended up happening was I would hide from society, the problem is that even introverts need social interactions, so I was accidentally destroying my mental health by wholeheartedly sticking to my role as the introvert

When what I was eventually able to learn was that as an introvert I value meaningful interactions, I don’t really love crowds, and I need time to come home and reset myself after any type of social gathering

It’s also bad to fully identify yourself based on what these tests give you because different personality traits surface with different situations at hand

But if you are holding true to your one answer that a computer gave you, then you are holding yourself back from any sort of versatility or ability to camouflage to the situation at hand – which is what you would have done naturally had you not held yourself to this singular trait’s standard

These tests have a tendency to give you a fixed label, if you let it, and I’m here to let you know that humans personalities are not as simple as being placed in a certain box or category

It enhances this idea that there is no fluidity or variability to even consider when it comes to how you behave or react over time and across different situations

People are constantly changing and evolving, it’s part of life, so understanding where your tendency lies and how you might be using it to self sabotage will help you get yourself out of this stuck place or sticky situation

It’s not an excuse for acting in the way you do but a way to give yourself some grace of “okay I do this because I have this tendency but now I’m able to recognize it and work on it”

I’m not saying these types of tests are bad, they’re fun to do, they give you some perspective into your life

They help with your communciation styles, how you handle constructive criticims, who you best get along with, and a lot of other things

What I am saying is don’t let it define you, use it as information to understand yourself a little better and grow from the weaknesses that are presented with this trait

Because you are not confined to this one test result, but it is where you fall into under more circumstances than not and it’s possible to outgrow that result too

The opposite of the problem my introvertedness has is to those of you who overly book your scheduled which is a different form of sabotage

You wear busy with a badge of honor and don’t go a weekend without back to back plans ready to go

Your self sabotaging because you are afraid of being alone or if fear isn’t the right way to describe this feeling then it’s, you don’t like spending time alone

I see this with a lot extroverts, and while it’s true that extroverts become energized by being around other people, it doesn’t mean you are incapable of being alone and doing another type of nourishing activity that doesn’t require another person

You might even be thinking, “but jess I can be alone I just really like being with other people”

To which I would respond with there’s a difference between being alone and choosing to be alone

Learning to be fully dependent on your own self for your energy needs

It’s a fear of when you are alone you’re afraid of what thoughts are going to penetrate your mind and ruin your mood

Or your bored with yourself and rely on others for entertainment

It’s healthy to spend some time alone.. Not an hour here or there but even forcing yourself to spend an half a weekend by alone, if not a full weekend every now and then

To remind yourself that it is okay to not have an overly booked schedule and that you can spend time alone and survive

So while I fell under the extreme of introverts with not having any social life you fall under the extrovert extreme where you have an over the top social life

Like I get it, have fun, but if the thought of spending a weekend alone with no plans freaks you out then it might be because you have a dependence on your social life and other people

Remember, if you have a tendency to pull towards one end of the spectrum, every now and then it can be really good for you to go in the reverse and eventually you will be able to create this healthy middle ground

Not all the time and it definitely depends on what it’s in regards to but sometimes that’s what you need to do to find that balance and overcome your overly booked schedule tendencies

The third type of sabotage comes in the way you show up in your relationships

And I just did so many episodes on relationships but none of them truly encompassed how you specifically sabotage – and like all forms of sabotage these can root from fears and insecurities

Like a fear of intimacy such as getting too close to someone or showing your vulnerability – this will show up as distancing yourself from another person, avoiding deep conversations, even talking yourself out of any emotional attachments you may have for a person

A fear of commitment is another one – I used to have a fear of commitment where a label or title like boyfriend would freak me out and I would usually end things before it got to that point.. My ex never let me get to that point because he called me his girlfriend within the first week which very much freaked me out

I remember I would be walking to class or somewhere on campus, as I was still in college, and would freeze dead in my tracks and have to calm myself down and remind myself it’s okay being in a relaitonship is not going to kill you and honestly now I don’t have as big of a fear of commitment after being in a committed relationship and knowing that world still spins after ending that relationship

But other ways your fear of commitment can shine through with sabotage would be an overemphasis on independence – meaning you desire and prioritize personal space and freedom to the point where it hinders the development of any relationship

This is girl bossing too close to the sun, not accepting a helping hand when it comes to getting some tasks done and it’s really putting an emphasis on your masculine energy

When in reality, people want to help you, you sholdn’t have to feel like you have to do it all, but I know that when you have this fear of commitment you use this version of strength as a clutch where you’re not allowing anyone to help you

You embrace your independence and that’s not always a good thing

A third way this can surface is hyper focusing on any perceived flaws or minor imperfections on the other person and using that to doubt your compatibility or the viability of the relationship being built

So you basically find any reason to not be in a relationship with this person solely because of your fear of commitment

Whether it’s becuase they laugh weird or yawn ugly or something minor that you are actively seeking out so that you get turned off by them.. You essentially get an ick really easily becuase you are afraid of what could become of this relationship or of getting your heart broken

Other versions of sabotaging relationships is a direct result of your insecurities, such as jealousy, constantly needing reassurance, and comparing your relationship to other peoples, all of which puts a strain on your relationship

And finally, having a low self belief or self worth will instinctively push you away from your partner or potential partner because you don’t deem yourself to be worthy of their love or this relationship 

I probably should have made an entire episode on how you are sabotaging your relationships, but an overarching one will have to suffice

The last part of relationship sabotage I want to touch on is if you hop into relationships quickly

The sabotage that you are doing as a result is failure to heal or learn the lessons from the previous relationship – you are entering the next one to avoid facing what happened in the last one which will only cause you to repeat the same mistakes time and time again

That also plays on the fear of being alone which blends with not wanting to face your own emotions or life and serves as a distraction from doing so which does not lead to more healthy and sustainable relationships

It actually leads to a continuation of the same types of people entering your life because you haven’t learned your lessons from the previous ones

But then the question becomes, how do we begin to overcome these tendencies outside of acknowledging them to ourselves?

Step 1 would be to acknowledge them

But I would then say step 2, if you’re in a committed relationship, could be talking with your partner about the ways you self sabotage

Step 2 could also be staying single for an extended period of time, working with a coach or even a therapist about how certain behaviors or actions keep surfacing

Journaling is also a good tool to utilize so you can keep track of the patterns you’re becoming aware of so you can be reminded of your own shortcomings and work to not repeat them time and time again

It’s hard for me to just generally tell you how to overcome your own sabotage, but it begins with seeking resources that will help you at least understand why you’re showing up in this way

And again that understanding could come from working with a professional, journaling, reading up on your sabotage, or talking with your partner

Alright the next type of self sabotage is procrastination – this one is huge

If you tend to push most things off until the very last second, you are self sabotaging 

You are delaying or avoiding necessary or important tasks, again maybe stemming from the fear of not being able to do it, or not being able to do it well and then we can enter perfectionism to the chat

This can show up in so many different realms in your personal growth or health journey, and you find yourself falling into I’ll be ready when syndrome as in when everything is going just right, when you’re making enough money, when you have more time, when you don’t have any travel plans, when there are no holidays coming up or special occasions, then you’ll be ready

Only you fail to realize that if you keep waiting until the circumstances are just right, then you’ll never be ready because there’s always going to be one reason or another as to why you can’t do it right now

Life will never pause because you decided it was time to better yourself

Which is why you need to work with a coach who can adapt to your lifestyle needs and changes and gracefully move you towards your goals

I have a client who procrastinates just about everything, and how you do one thing is how you do everything

So we when first agreed that she should workout on Sundays, we realized that she leaves it until the very end of the day and then would not end up working out because she felt tired by that point

That’s where I got to have a conversation with her about this tendency and about the benefits of working out in the morning and before running any errands 

Now we make sure that she is going to the gym before noon on Sundays.. Even if that means procrastinating until 11:55 am, which she has done, but that’s better than waiting until the end of the day and increasing the likelihood of not doing it at all

Procrastinating is you putting a lot of faith in your future self to get it done and a lot of times what you needed to do doesn’t get done, mostly becuase it requires discipline and that runs out as the day progresses

When you procrastinate you miss opportunities or throw your top priorities out the window, like working out or cooking dinner, because something with a more pressing deadline got in the way and time got away from you

Failing to address tasks in a timely manner not only hinders your own mental well-being as it elevates your stress and anxiety as the deadline approaches, but it also creates stress and frustration in those around you

You become unreliable and inconsistent to your word and lose trust in those around you and now your relationships are impacted due to your self sabotaging with procrastination

So stop pushing your list of to do’s to future you when you have time to tackle them in this moment because a lot of time life will get in the way later in the day

To begin overcoming this form of self sabotage – you can move up your deadlines like I did with my client, you can break your tasks down into smaller more manageable actions like clean for 5 minutes or read one page, do one exercise at the gym

You need one step to psychologically get the ball rolling and more times than not, you’re going to do more than those 5 minutes or one thing

You can address any fears or anxieties that are encouraging this behavior like I already mentioned the fear of not doing it perfect

My coach likes to say take messy action

You can develop better time management skills or different ones if what you’re trying now hasn’t been working

And like any of the other examples I’ve given, you can seek support to help you break this vicious cycle and habit – ask friends, family members, a professional like myself.. Someone to hold you accountable and break down this behavior with because it’s hard to do it for yourself with no one else around

I would even play off of procrastination in regards to time and that is when you rebel against time – I find this with people who stay up extra late and then exhaust themselves the next day

It’s really common in teens, but I also have dealt with people who have brought this behavior into their adult life

It’s a way to find control because you feel you’ve lost it in other parts of your life, so you naturally rebel

People do this with food as well when they put themselves on a strict diet and then at night time or that one meal or day in the week, they go ham and rebel against themselves

As an adult there are certain expectations on most of us to be responsible in taking care of ourselves, showing up to work on time, having a full time job, making money, and eating well

And it’s this feeling of stuckness where you’re expected to be here at this time, do this at this time, and then the end of the day comes and you feel you had zero time freedom during the whole day so you subconsciously stay up late into the night to feel free

Except that totally screws up your sleep and then you’re groggy and grumpy the next day only to repeat it all again that next night

You’re rebelling against society’s expectations on what to do with your day, how to eat to look an ideal way, and how to behave to fit in with everyone else

There’s an exercise my coaching school taught me that helps with this rebellion and it’s called your rebellious inner child

Because you see, we are all of the ages we have ever been at every time in our life and the rebellious part of you is a mix of your inner toddler and inner teenager

But as an adult we have to learn to redirect this rebellious nature and do healthy things that go against the norm

Like wearing pajamas to go run errands, or ripping the do not rip off tag on your mattress or checking out more than 10 items in the ten item or less line at the grocery store

It’s little things and it probably sounds ridiculous that participating in any of these actions would help with your rebellion nature, but you would be surprised

Like I said we need to redirect your harmful tendencies to be more playful but still send that same signal to your brain.. this signal of – honestly I picture you maniacally rubbing together with an evil laugh

The last type of self sabotage I want to touch on today is making excuses for yourself 

If you do this then you know that you are creating some reason as to why you can’t or couldn’t do the task that you know needed to do

When in reality it’s because it’s something new, or it requires a higher level of discipline, and you are easily able to talk yourself out it

You can make an excuse up for just anything, this is especially true for my people pleasers

You are creating a reason as to why you didn’t perform in a certain way as a mechanism to be polite to whomever you let down

And that includes letting yourself down

You justify why x,y,z didn’t happen to make yourself feel better instead of guilty

Which is really where excuses come into play it’s to avoid the sense of guilt

And while you might still feel guilty to some extent, the reasoning you created is helping you hide that feeling under the covers

Giving yourself grace is different and it’s knowing the difference that determines whether it is a self sabotaging behavior or not

When you give yourself grace you know in your heart that it was a healthier decision to not workout that day and lay on the couch like when you’re sick

Giving yourself grace can also look like, eating a little bit worse than usual when traveling or around the holidays solely because you are enjoying the present moment with either yourself or those around you and you’re not shoving the next bite of food into your mouth before you’ve swallowed the previous one

It’s where I tell my clients, still prioritize protein, enjoy the flavors of everything, and the moment at hand, but don’t eat like an asshole because you derail yourself

Last week I talked to you about balance, this week plays off of that concept because there is a way to find a middle ground in everything

In your actions, emotions, and behaviors

But it starts with recognizing how you self-sabotage and why you constantly do so, then finding the balance on your own personal spectrum

Knowing that every excuse you create is you sacrificing your achievements

Or delaying the life you really want to live, but also knowing that there is a really true fear as to what that life will bring

So release the end result, that’s how you begin let yourself be free and no longer hold yourself back

When you release the what will happen as a result or the life that comes next or the doors that might open or even close for you, and live in this present moment, you will find yourself sabotaging your own goals less and less

We all self-sabotage, we all hold ourselves back in one way or another, but it doesn’t have to be like this for forever

Find your patterns, work to understand them and then break them, and before you know it, life will become a lot easier because you are now working with yourself instead of against yourself

But that’s what I have for you on self-sabotage

There are so many ways you get in your own way, most of which i probably didn’t mention on here but maybe it got the gears turning in your head so you can self reflect on your behaviors that keep you stagnant instead of push you towards your desired outcomes

I mean, hopefully you were able to relate to at least one example that I gave, or were able to connect the dots and create your own

I want to thank you for listening to how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, if some aspect of this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend or on social media for others to give it a listen, or email me about it as I would love to hear from you

Chances are if it helped you, then it’ll help someone else too

But this concludes today’s episode and I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode