How to talk to your parents so they actually hear you

Welcome back to how to twenty-something with today’s episode being all about you and your parents

But more specifically how to share information with your parent so they actually listen to what you’re saying

Instead of shutting you down, passing judgement, or misunderstanding you

Basically, this is an episode all on communication and control

Which are actually two of the pillars rooted in my own your life system that I take my clients through when they step into a coaching partnership with me and part of that communication is via different modes of technology, but the other part is how do you speak up for yourself

At work, with friends, with your romantic partner, and yes with your parents too… control i’ll touch on a bit later

This episode topic was actually the first workshop i ever did for the parents of twenty-somethings but it was the other way around with how to talk to your twenty-something so they actually listen to you

So let’s throw down an uno reverse card and bam now I have a full episode for you on how you can talk to your parents and basically do what’s within your control to not let the conversation go sideways

Now, you might be a great communicator, and I believe you when you say that, but something happens psychology where you become the worst communicator when it comes specifically to your parents

You see, adulthood opens this new door to an interesting dynamic between you and your parents where you are discovering yourself, willing to take risks, question the status quo, do things differently 

Your parents only know how to parent the you that was a minor for 18 years.. 

And until you turn 36, 18 years was a majority of your life

So when you talk to them they still see this younger version of you where their instinct is to protect or fix and not listen and hear you out

In your eyes, you’re becoming close to their equal in terms of respect, independence, and stage of life

In their eyes you are not their equal.. Even if you are fully living on your own and independent and doing this whole adulting thing

You’re always going to be their baby 

This is a major reason as to why your parents don’t hear you when you’re speaking

Because now that you’re in your twenties you’ve entered this new dynamic that I just described

So not only do your parents see you as your 16 year old self and regress in their parenting styles, but you also regress to that version when you’re with them

It’s a chicken or the egg scenario

Are you acting immature or are they treating you like a child.. It’s both but which one is feeding the other?

So the first reason why your parents don’t hear you when you’re trying to tell them something.. And i’ll get into examples in a second, is because they look at you and they see their baby

The second reason is you act like their baby and psychologically step backwards in time so it’s hard to demand to be treated like an adult when you probably aren’t acting like one around them

And the third reason that I haven’t mentioned yet comes from the side of timing

I feel like for some reason these bigger conversations happen at the worst time possible where someone’s emotional or they’ve been completely blindsided, and the result is nobody wins

Aka a sideways conversation

You want to be in a place where you can do everything within your power to make sure this conversation is prepped with telling your parents you would like to update them on something or tell them about something that’s come up

Be courteous of their capacity and schedules so you know they’re in a place to receive whatever news it is you’re about to give

This should absolutely not be over a quick phone.. Unless of course it’s an emergency you’re needing help with and this also shouldn’t be at a restaurant or in the car

You need to give your parents and yourself the option to be able to walk away if things do indeed go sideways 

Some examples that I see amongst my clients and even myself is making a big career decision and giving no context, no plan, and then expecting their full support

Now, i will say that some of my clients have their parents support through in through

They could say mom, dad, I’m dropping out of school and joining the circus where I will identify as an elephant and do tricks

And their parents will be like okay as long as it makes you happy

That is the exception to the rule, because most parents would respond with are you out of your fucking mind

Obviously, that is an extreme example

But when I called my mom, after being unemployed for 5 months and she was paying my rent, and told her that I was never going to return to the corporate world and instead I was going to join this outdoor fitness franchise and build my own little business.. She obviously has some push back

In hindsight, I gave her no heads up, no context, and no plan as to how I was going to make a substantial living doing this career path

So she shut it down and told me, Jess I think it’s time for you to get a real job again

She crushed me, but I didn’t do my due diligence by coming up with a ‘here’s how it’s possible’ gameplan

Because she didn’t support my dream until I had a dream and was actively taking steps towards making it happen.. Not with that fitness franchise but with personal training as the main part of my career

She’s actually the person who told me to look into getting a coaching certification

So yes, it all ended up okay, but we didn’t talk to one another for about a month.. Until I had a quote unquote real job lined up… because of how crushed I was by her response to my news

Or more recently, I helped my client avoid this kind of reaction from his parents when he called me saying he’s been sitting on some bad news for a few days and didn’t know how to talk to his parents

Which is how this episode came into fruition

His bad news was not bad news bad news it was a new freelance opportunity that said they didn’t need him for the summer

So this income he was excited about and planning to receive was now disappearing 

We talked about what else he could do and we were already creating a rover account for him to make flexible money dog walking, last summer he had some one off side work that he could inquire about again, and was being given more work with his more current freelance position

While on the phone with me he reached out to his old contact

And then our conversation switched to oh shit what are you going to do to a plan that he could present to his parents

As more of a hey i’m keeping you in the loop, this is what happened and this is what I’m doing about it

Now the conversation becomes less scary because you’re removing any potential objection, setback, judgement, or dismissal from your parents

You switch from seeking their approval to keeping them in the know of your life

If it’s a money problem, you need to decide for yourself if you need your parents to bail you out or help you out or do you just want them to know what’s happening and hope and pray they offer to lend a helping hand

Honestly, most of these examples require context and a plan

Something important to note is the power of a plan because it’ll turn a confession into a conversation

I’m going to say that again: having a plan will turn a confession into a conversation 

I want to run through some other examples just in case the one about me or my client didn’t resonate 

And so you have additional pieces of evidence as to where you’re probably going wrong in your conversations and fixing your end is totally doable 

Those examples are.. Quitting your job with nothing lined up and no updates as to what you’re going to do instead

Saying you can’t afford rent and not having any plan as to how you’re going to fix it going forward is not going to work well for you

Deciding to move across the country with no thought of their concerns like how you’re going to move your belongings, when you’ll come home to visit, what research have you done, what’s the reasoning behind this decision (pause)

When you drop bombs on your parents you’re putting a lot of emotional labor on them to figure out how to feel, what to do, and to know that you haven’t just totally lost your marbles because that’s kind of what it’s looking like right now

Instead, if you need help with say rent.. do you intend to pay your parents back or can you explain how hard you’re working on saving money but life is really fucking expensive and you’re doing the best you can with what you got

And then taking a step back and looking at things from their perspective where if you’re constantly asking them for money help but then not pouring into your relationship with them then they’re going to feel like your atm and not a person

This is a real life example from a client I was working with a few months ago

We were tackling his finances and the habits behind his decisions, but he began working with me when he was already pretty deep in a hole and was constantly asking his mom to help him out

He then would never just go and spend time with his mom or do something nice for her or treat her like something more than an atm

His mom told me verbatim that that was how she felt

So when i introduced the idea of pouring into his relationship with his mom a little more he took that as a transactional exchange where he’ll plan to hang out with his mom so that she could do xyz for him

And i was like no no no it’s treating your mom like a person without expecting anything in return

The reason the conversation goes sideways a lot of the time isn’t just how you deliver the news — it’s the relationship you’ve been building leading up to it.

This client was only delivering news and not building up the relationship so the news hits harder every time and the result is far worse

So let’s break down what I’ve said so far:

When it comes to talk to your parents you need to

• Decipher for yourself if you’re asking for help, advice, to be heard and understood, or if you’re just trying to keep them in the loop and name whatever it is you’re looking for from them
• You need to provide context which is background information as to what is going on
• You need a plan for what you’re devising up to help your problem or update to which your parents can help you build on or look into the feasibility behind it
• And you need to treat your parents like real people, not atms, not at your beck and call, not as your personal assistant or as your therapist.. Nurture them like how you nurture your friendships

For example, call them once a week just to say hi and talk about your life, not just when you need something

Now you’re building a relationship with them and less bombs will be dropped as a result because they’re in the know and are seeing things unfold in real time

So now that we’ve got your side of the conversation in check, let’s switch over the the hardest part of telling your parents something and wanting to be heard: their reaction

Because let’s be honest for a sec.. Most of you aren’t worried about their emotional reaction, but the disappointment or losing their approval that could come with keeping them in the know

Unfortunately, anticipating how they react is out of your control

What’s in your control is how you set up the conversation and what to do if they try to interrupt, redirect, or make it about themselves 

Because this very well could happen and it’s not out of malice it’s because you’re giving them new information that they are having to process in real time and that’s their way of trying to process

So you can do a simple reset when this happens and say that you know what you’re saying might feel out of the blue and you want to give them time and space to sit with this new information, but you would like to finish your thought first and can answer any questions they may have afterwards

If you find the conversation totally derailing then know that it’s totally okay to pause this conversation and revisit it in a day or two when all parties feel ready to discuss 

At the end of the day, you want to feel heard, if not supported by your parents for the decisions you’re making or events unfolding in your life

Actually being heard isn’t about finding the magic words or the perfect way to deliver them.. It all goes back to how I began this episode and trying your damned hardest not to regress to your teenage self

It’s about showing up to the conversation like the adult you already are.. Which means you’re coming with intention, a clear head, and realistic expectations 

Because if you go into it already emotionally charged, you’re setting yourself up for a disaster

My client who sat on some bad news for a few days did it perfectly

He waited one day before reaching out to me, but we couldn’t get our schedules in sync for an additional day, we strategized how to approach this with his parents, together, and then he talked to them when he was no longer down in the dumps from receiving this unexpected news, but rather confident in what he was going to do about it.. That is how you talk to your parents so they actually listen to you

The goal is to be heard, not agreed with

You didn’t fail this conversation because your parents didn’t agree with what you’ve told them or the actions you’re planning on taking

You only failed when you didn’t do everything in your control to put your best, most adult self, forward when it comes to actually having this conversation

Present the facts, give context, and tell them what the heck you’re planning on doing to get yourself out of this pickle

You got this

It might take a few times, but as long as you don’t give up, your parents will hear you when you speak to them

And that my friend is how I’m going to wrap up this episode of how to twenty-something

So thank you for listening to me yap and hopefully your next yap with your parents is a much more successful one

And you know the drill, if you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know a friend who vents about their parents then please share this episode

Post it to your story, send it to your friend, give me a five star rating, just please help me find all of the twenty-somethings out there trying to navigate the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode