Your relationship to your parents

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today is an interesting topic and was inspired by conversations I’ve had with people in my life as well as when I hosted my first workshop for the parents of twenty-somethings at the end of May

I’m recording this the week before this workshop goes live, but i do plan on this being the start of many parent related workshops because we all know they need help when it comes to helping us

This is obviously going to be case by case because relationships vary based on upbringing, life events, and even birth order

So this episode is designed to help you develop a clearer understanding as to how you want to relate to your parents as you get older and if you even want to have a relationship with them at all

It’s an interesting subject to say the least because it’s not like we’re all walking around having conversations about our relationships to our parents with everyone we know and everyone has different family dynamics

Even within your family unit the way you relate to your mom and the way your siblings relate to your mom are going to be different

So allow me to start this episode with telling you that you are allowed to question the kind of relationship you want to have with your parents

Even if it’s seemingly unconventional or harsh

Just know that your definition of family changes as you grow and get older

And it can change from family by blood, the people who raised you and who you grew up with, to none of that and having your definition of family be your friends or your partner

It’s a weird shift in dynamics and identity that occurs and a lot of times parents aren’t prepared for this change because you’re not a kid anymore, yet you still feel like you’re sixteen with a curfew whenever you’re around them

Then there’s this pull of being legally an adult, feeling like you should have full autonomy over your life and decisions but then seeking approval or fearing judgment from your parents or feeling like you owe it to your parents to be in contact with them because they’ve devoted two decades of their life to helping you build yours

Again, this is not the case for everyone, as I know people who have grown up and their mom is now their best friend, someone they confide in for everything, where they are viewed as more of an equal than as a parent child relationship

But that is the exception and not the rule and I can say that because I am constantly in conversations with twenty-somethings and parental relationships come up in my coaching practice, amongst my friends, and with my own life

And sure cultural factors, life experiences, and the way you’re raised all come into play with how your parent is going to treat you, view you, and interact with you and vice versa

But if you’ve been listening for long enough, then you would know we’re not going to focus on your parents actions, thoughts, and beliefs, but rather how you respond to them, boundaries you want to begin setting and enforcing, and what you want your side of the relationship to be with them

Which gets tricky, because there is some form of respect and people pleasing that comes up when it’s time to set some much needed boundaries

It’s going to be uncomfortable at first but if you are someone who is listening and wants to save your relationship with your parents, or even keep your own peace, then this is going to be the healthiest thing you can do 

If you’re someone who does not care to repair or save your relationship with your parents, then I’d still recommend you listen because how you do one thing is how you do everything so if it’s not in relation to your parents maybe it’s to your boss or friends or you as a future parent.. If that’s a goal of yours

But your relationship with your parents, where you hold the control behind with boundaries

Boundaries are an act of self-respect, it doesn’t make you a bad daughter or son, it makes you an honest one and when communicated properly, which I’ll get into in a moment, will make the relationship stronger

Although it probably won’t feel that way at first

And know that setting boundaries is tender territory because for the first time you’re stepping up and, not necessarily fighting back, but taking a stand for your life and finding your voice

For example, if you have the kind of parents who want to call you or visit you more than you would like, saying something like “While I love talking to you, I can’t do daily check ins anymore. Can we make a plan to talk every Sunday so I can give you my full attention?” 

This reassures your mom that it’s not her, she didn’t do anything wrong and that you enjoy speaking with her, while also asserting your bandwidth

Because I know you definitely want to avoid the extremist side of where the conversation could (and probably has) turned to where your mom responds with ‘I guess i’m just a terrible mother and I’ll never call you again’

To which i’ll remind you, if you communicate to the best of your ability, you are doing what’s within your control and we cannot control how your mom is going to receive it as long as you are clear on your intentions and tone

Which also brings up a very important part of setting boundaries, don’t do it via text. Either phone call, facetime, or in person is the best way to go so at least your tone of voice is coming through, limiting any message from getting misconstrued

But when it comes to your end of communicating you need to state what you don’t like and then propose a solution

I had a session with a client the other week and he just graduated college so we’ve been working on his career path

He mentioned one of the jobs he applied to is nothing even close to what we’ve been discussing nor is it something he would even remotely enjoy, so I asked him if his parents are asking him for job updates and want him to just get a job to have a job

To which he said yes and then we spent a majority of our session talking about how he can approach his parents so they get off of his back while also expressing his appreciation and gratitude for their concern

And it basically came down to him identifying his non-negotiables for what he’s looking for in his first full-time job, why he doesn’t want a job just to have a job, and timeline as to when he’d like to be employed by and a solution in case that timeline doesn’t pan out

It’s knowing that your parents care, but communicating what’s going on for you and more importantly that you’ve thought this all through and have a plan for yourself to succeed

Because that’s really where all if the headaches your parents cause come from… it’s from them wanting you to thrive and do well in life, while also wanting to be involved in your life

I’ll give another example for when your parent is prying into your life and giving unsolicited advice either around your career, your dating life, your finances, your body, whatever it is they feel they need to comment and give their two cents

You could say, “I know you’re trying to help, but when I get advice I didn’t ask for, it makes me feel less confident in my own choices. I will be much more receptive to your advice when I ask for it and I think it would improve our relationship.”

So instead of telling them ‘you always tell me what to do’ and then both of you leaving the conversation feeling flustered and annoyed at one another, you’re letting them know that you do like their advice, but only when it’s warranted

Side note: I’m watching gilmore girls for the first time right now, I know I’m late to the game, but Lorelai and her mother both needed this episode because their mother daughter relationship is beyond rough and they both need some serious help with their communication tactics

Oaky, another example is for when the relationship with your parent feels toxic or unsafe and basically, you need space

I had a client recently who was going through a rough relationship with her dad where she was getting really really upset with him and ready to cut him off completely, but also knew she was going to see him for her brothers graduation in a few weeks

So I helped her resist the urge to block him or ignore his texts and communicate that she needed space right now and that she’ll see him at her brothers graduation

If you don’t have a clear timeline of when you’ll see your parents next and want to remove or indefinitely pause contact with them you can say something like “I need to take a break from communication for now. It’s not easy, but I need this pause to protect my well being and I will reach out when I’m ready to reconnect.”

Notice all of these examples are about you and not about what your parent is or isn’t doing.. That’s the biggest part of setting boundaries and communicating, keep your focus on your needs and wants

You are not responsible for managing your parents feelings, but you are responsible for communicating your needs clearly, kindly, and with respect

Having relationships with your parents as you grow and mature, step into your own identity, and find your voice is difficult

But you need to know whether you want to pursue a new kind of relationship with them and try your best to communicate and rewrite the parent-child script or if it’s time to go your separate ways

Then it’s also asking yourself: do you want this relationship or do you feel obligated to keep it

Because here’s what I want to tell you, you get to decide what is best for you

Sure it’s not what society says, it’s not how you were raised, it’s not how your parents were raised, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change things up

It’s a war that goes on for both of you where your parents grew up with the mentality of respect your elders, and now we’re fighting back and demanding that respect in return

It’s new for all parties involved

But if removing your parents from your life is what is going to protect your peace, then that is what you get to decide for yourself

However, if you’re going to feel guilty, then I am going to suggest to you to set boundaries first, just give it a try

And part of that setting boundaries is communicating where you’re at right now

That you don’t want to lose them, but if they can’t respect your boundaries, then that is where this relationship is learning towards

Not as a threat, but as a way to say you’re not happy and you guys both get to find what will work, while also knowing that it’s going to take some time to adjust to this new type of relationship

It’s really tricky to navigate both from the parents side and from the kids side

Your parents invested a lot of time, energy and money into you and I say that to not increase any guilt from your people pleasing tendencies, but it is to give you some insight into what’s coming up for them and why they are going to feel hurt or betrayed

Again knowing that you are not responsible for managing their emotions

You get to ask yourself: what is is that you want from your relationship with your parents during this phase of your life

Is it support? Distance? Friendship? Or Nothing?

And it’s okay for your answer to be that you’re not ready for a relationship at all

It’s okay if your relationship isn’t what you wish it was

It’s disappointing and it does come with a sense of grief of what will never be

But that’s also not to say that people can’t change

While also knowing not to your hold your breath in the hopes that they do

Because while you can’t change someone else and what they’re doing or not doing, you can change your expectations of them

I’ll tell you right now that my relationship with my mom in my early twenties was almost obsolete

My relationship with my father was when i was young, as he passed when I was 13, but I remember a majority of it would be me constantly hoping he would change

That he would be a better dad, like what I saw my friends all had.. Someone who was responsible, mature, an adult

And I was constantly let down by the expectations I would set for him

The result, we never had a close relationship, I was always let down by a version of him that was never going to exist

I know I was literally a kid, but I see a lot of those same patterns exist for my twenty-somethings and it’s a hard realization to come to terms with

Many of us carry a vision of the parent we wish we had. That idealized version we saw on TV, in our friends’ homes, or just in our heads—and grieving that fantasy can be incredibly painful, but it’s also freeing.

We are constantly being fed how a parent should be or what we wanted them to be instead of facing the fact of who your parents really are

And that can lead to a lot of disappointment and coming to terms with your ideal parent fantasy as what it is… a fantasy

Your parents want a relationship with you, they do love you, but that doesn’t mean you have to open your door for them any more

As you grow up you’re going to develop a better understanding as to what is working for you and what’s not, but it’s on you to communicate your needs and wants without playing the blame game

And while you’ve probably formed expectations of how you want your parents to exist in your life and who they are, it’s also fair to say that your parents have done the same with you

Your parents have probably painted a picture in their mind of what they want their relationship to be with you or what they believe your potential is

And there is a good chance you’re not living up to their idea in the same way they aren’t living up to yours

Which again invites the opportunity for a conversation of what you both need from one another

For example, when my sister and I went off to college, my mom made it rule that we had to call her at least once a week

That rule became a habit and is something that I still do every week and so does my sister

I enjoy putting in my headphones and going for a walk giving my mom all the updates of my life from the last 7 days

My friend, on the other hand, went off to college and her mom called her every day and tracked her location 

My mom thought that was excessive, she didn’t need to call us every day, but we knew we could call her as often as we wanted to

Which most of the time came to once a week unless I was really going through something

Like my freshman year, I was dealing with some nasty roommates and was in tears talking to my mom almost every day

Then when things leveled out the calls went back to once a week

But what i’m getting at, is don’t compare your family to someone else’s because what works for them might not work for you

How you relate to your parents and how you want to relate to your parents going forward is going to be up to you

Where you need to seriously take some time and ask yourself 

• What do you want your relationship with your parents to be?
• What feels heavy when you think about your relationship with your parents

And by that I mean do you feel like the emotional caretaker where you’ve turned into your parents confidante, peacekeeper, therapist with this constant pressure to fix things in the family or not rock the boat

Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells because you don’t want to say the wrong thing and have things get blown way out of proportion

Is there pressure on you to succeed, get married, start a family where you can’t relax until you achieve the milestones your parents outlined for you and you have the constant feeling of falling short 

Do your parents treat you like their kid and not the person you’ve grown into? Do they bring up past habits you exhibited from childhood and hold it over your head

I know these are some heavy examples, and this is definitely something I would recommend talking with a therapist about and then eventually family counseling might be beneficial 

It’s a complicated topic for sure

But know that cutting off your parents is an option, if that’s the direction you want to go

To which I’ll remind you – this is your life, you’re in charge of your peace and who you welcome into it

Your parents love you unconditionally, but might not express it in the best way

Your parents love you unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean you owe them anything

Your relationship to your parents isn’t a one and done situation either

You might set one boundary today and need to revisit it next year or even next month

As you get older it’s important to remember that your parents are getting older to.. Both parties need to learn how your relationship is evolving and be honest with one another with what’s working and what’s not working

Some relationships get stronger with boundaries, some get quieter, and some end all together

It’s up to you to decide what’s worth fighting for and what’s worth letting go of

But relationships are complicated and that includes parental relationships

Remember: it’s their first time being a parent too and it’s their first time living this life, cut them some slack, communicate your needs, and set and enforce boundaries in a mature and responsible way

Be the adult you want to be treated as

And on that note, that is how I’m going to wrap up this episode of how to twenty-something

So if you liked what you heard, if you felt seen or heard, if you’re going to test out any of these communication styles with your parents, please let me know! Sometimes I feel like I’m speaking into a void, so I’d love to know that you’re listening and that this resonates

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode