Flying solo at weddings

Welcome back to how to twenty-something with today’s episode being all about managing your mind if you’re single and have a slew of weddings lined up

Honestly, now that I think about it I have only been to one wedding with someone I was dating and I was the plus one in that situation

Needless to say, at some point in your twenties you are probably going to attend a wedding by yourself if not be in a wedding and be single

Unless of course you are part of the niche twenty-somethings who met their life partner before the age of 25, but for the vast majority of you listening that’s probably not the case

Which is why I felt the need to make an episode about how you can get your mind and bank account in order as you fly solo at weddings

I also feel called to talk about this because I am in 3 weddings back to back to back and at this point in time, I flew solo to the one that took place in early November and plan on flying solo at my sisters in march and my best friends in June

It’s just what it is

And there are moments that suck about it, but there are also moments that are great, which I’ll get into in a moment

I have been single for quite some time now and am not someone who just jumps into relationships, this is no hate at all to those of you who do find yourselves hopping out of one relationship and into another less than 3 months after ending one

It’s just to say I don’t share that same level of luck in finding someone that quickly that I want to spend my time with

And if you are someone that can go into a new relationship relatively quickly then this episode also probably doesn’t really apply to you since the likelihood of you having a plus one to bring to a wedding is relatively high

So this episode is for my fellow single peeps who love love and love watching the people they love fall in love, but feel frustrated about their own love life, or lack thereof

I’ll be talking from the perspective of just being a guest to being in the wedding party, how you can save on some expenses, and maybe some what not to dos as a single guy or girl at a wedding

For starters, and probably the most important point I’m going to make in this episode, if you are not happy to be at said wedding because you feel so poorly about your own struggles then please know it’s okay to decline the invite

You need to take care of yourself, your friend getting married might be bummed that you aren’t going, but it’s better you remove yourself from this day than suck the happiness out of a happy occasion all because you are unhappy with your own life

And you are allowed to be unhappy with your life and even if you think you’ll be able to put on a brave face, trust me when I say your energy will out you

You do not need to attend every wedding you’re invited to, especially if you’re going to end up feeling worse about yourself after it’s over

All you have to do is send a gift off their registry, maybe add a little note that you love them and you’re sorry you can’t make it and then move on 

I declined a wedding invite this year for many reasons and actually being single wasn’t one of them but it was because I didn’t like the person my friend was marrying and it would require me to buy an expensive flight and hotel and be around people that I haven’t spoken to in years and didn’t feel like forcing the small talk

I was offered a plus one on that invitation which is nice since I wouldn’t know many people there, but alas I declined and sent a gift

But on that note of expensive flights and hotels and buying gifts and outfits, weddings get expensive as a guest

I’m well aware the bride and groom are spending a buttload on this event, but as a single attendee with a lot of weddings lined up and no one to share costs with, it really adds up

And if you’re in the bridal party, then you are most likely paying for hair and/or makeup, ubers, outfits, the bachelorette, gifts for the bride outside of the wedding, and then a gift for the bride and groom

I honestly wasn’t sure what the policy was for giving a gift when a bridesmaid because of all of the other expenses we have, so in case you’re listening and are also unsure

You are to give the bride and groom a separate gift, whether it’s cash, a check, or something off of their registry

Like I donated to their honeymoon fund but I had to ask my sister first if I were to get a separate gift since I really wasn’t sure and this was my first wedding party experience

So yes, weddings are expensive and the closer you are to the bride or groom the more money you are probably going spend

So on that note, let’s get into saving on some of these costs for the weddings you do decide to go to or are in

To begin, get a credit card with travel points

I use chase, I know there are actual airline credit cards you could get, hotel credit cards, capital one, amex, whatever it is

Do your research and pick a card that is going to be the most cost effective, since these kinds of cards usually have some kind of annual fee, but they come with the ability to accrue a lot of points that can then be transferred to hotels and flights

And you’re already swiping that card for groceries and other things that you might as well get some credit for it that can be used somewhere else

Just make sure that when you go to get one of these credit cards that you’re able to reach the amount that gives you the extra points and that you are able to pay off that card when you do reach that certain amount

Because what you don’t want to do is get yourself in credit card debt as that kind of defeats the point of getting the card to help you out in the first place

Another way to save on costs, mainly for hotels, is to look at airbnbs in the area or ask the bride or groom if they know of anyone who would want a hotel roommate for that weekend

For the wedding I had in early november, I first looked at airbnbs and it was in a weird area of orlando so these airbnbs were rooms in peoples houses and being a girl, traveling alone, that felt uncomfortable for me to go do

So I asked the bride if she knew of anyone I could split a hotel room with

Now, I was a bridesmaid in this wedding and every other bridesmaid was in a long term relationship or part of the family, so it definitely felt weird for me to share a room with another couple

Especially because weddings bring out the raunchy side of relationships and I would be massively cock blocking if you’re catching my drift

But I was desperate and was not about to spend $400 on a hotel room for two nights all by myself

Well, I got lucky with asking and because I’ve know this bride since we were 13 she said I can just stay with her family at their airbnb

I understand that is not an option for everyone because that would be crazy, but what I am saying is it doesn’t hurt to ask the bride or groom, depending on who you know best, if they know of anyone else in a similar predicament

Because chances are, they do know of someone and they can help get you guys set up so you can split the cost with another guest flying solo

Another way to save on some wedding costs is to re-wear your outfits

I have worn the same outfits to a few different weddings, you’ll just need to strategize who is overlapping where

I got lucky with this one too as a bridesmaid because the three weddings I’m in from November 2024 to June 2025 are all Sage green and none of these people know each other 

So there will be zero overlapping and I will be wearing the bridesmaid dress I just wore to the wedding I’m in in June

I’m the maid of honor at my sisters wedding so I’ll be going a little nicer and getting a different dress

But dresses do not have to be that expensive, you can get some nice quality ones for less than a hundred bucks and then you can style it differently to change it up so it doesn’t look like the same exact dress at every wedding

And if it does, who cares, no one is going to call you out for wearing the same dress to a different wedding

All I can think of is that scene in the lizzie Mguire movie where Lizzie goes well i may be an outfit repeater but you’re an outfit rememberer 

So if someone does call you out for wearing the same outfit then you can just think okay this person is so obsessed with me and my awesomeness, i’ll admit, it’s a little weird but I’m flattered nonetheless

Overall though, i think everyone knows being a wedding guest and in the bridal party is expensive and if you’re getting invited to the wedding then you have a decent enough relationship with that person where they can respect your financial situation and whether or not you feel financially capable of attending wedding events and the wedding itself

My friend katie who gets married in June is really wonderfully aware of this, almost to a fault, which I know she’s listening and I love you, but she’s getting married in her hometown

She doesn’t live there, most of her friends don’t live there, her fiance’s entire family doesn’t live there and she doesn’t want everyone flying multiple times for her because she understands it adds up

It’s a relief to have one less thing to worry about adding to my expenses, but I did tell her that we know what we’re signing up for when we say yes to being a part of the wedding party

So she said don’t worry about the bridal shower and instead of a whole bachelorette she wants to do a nice dinner with everyone the night before the rehearsal dinner

That way people don’t have to buy all of these extra flights and airbnbs and food

I encouraged her to have a bachelorette but it’s also easier on her to not have to plan this whole extra trip and coordinate schedules with everyone

Another example is when I planned my sisters bachelorette, her main requirement was for it to be as cost effective as possible because she knows these things can get really expensive and she doesn’t want to put anyone in a financially uncomfortable situation for her

That required me, as the maid of honor, to compare different airbnbs and pick the one that is in a good area, does not require a lot of ubers to be taken, and is priced well

Then all of the food and drinks were based on the individual girls preference

Now i say all that with a grain salt because there are people who are out of touch with their friends situations and want to feel celebrated and not spare any dime in the process

And that’s fine

If that’s your friend that you’re thinking of that wants everyone to spend thousands of dollars for her to have a great time and you don’t fit well with that mentality, then you can either say goodbye to this friend, decline the invite to the bachelor or bachelorette, and/or tell them the truth about your financial situation

Yes it is embarrassing, i get that, no one likes to admit that they aren’t doing well, but you’re part of the wedding party for a reason meaning you have a close enough relationship with this person to communicate this effectively without ruining your friendship

But at the end of the day, it’s your bank account that you have to deal with and it’s on you to set a boundary that is in accordance with what you’re comfortable spending

Fast forward to the actual wedding day, a day filled with love, it’s perfectly normal that you’re going to feel some pain for yourself about how far from that stage of life you are

It’s a day commemorating the love of two people and you don’t have that

The worst is at family weddings when you get asked all the personal questions since family members have no filter

So not only are you already a little down on yourself but now you have Aunt Sally asking when will it be your turn and if you’ve been on any dates recently or in any relationships

I had my cousins wedding also in november and as I’ve already mentioned my sister is getting married in march so luckily the questions being asked at my cousins wedding were centered around my business and how that’s been going and then around my sister’s wedding since that’s the next family one

But even still, almost every person in my family is with their long term partner so it does feel isolating to fly solo

Like when the dj invites couples to the dance floor to slow dance

I think my nana is the only member in my family who constantly asks about my dating life so I luck out when it’s just one person

But if you hate the dating questions as much as the next person then try to come up with a couple of different responses that don’t allow the other person to continue to dig into your dating life

For example, if you’re asked are you seeing anyone 

You can respond with no and then turn the conversation onto them by asking them a question about themselves 

So it could be something like no i’m not, but how have you been, how’s insert someone or something in their life and change the topic and the focus of the conversation

We don’t want to be rude, but at the same time, if you’ve been single for a solid bit then that question does get annoyingly redundant

You don’t need to come up with some whole explanation of you haven’t found anyone or you’re not settling on the next person that walks through the door or you’re waiting for Mr. Right or it’s not your focus right now

You can simply just say you aren’t seeing anyone and then change the conversation

People are nosey, they are going to continue to push and ask questions like your relationship status is your only worth

But I’m here to tell you that it’s not, and I know you know it’s not but when you’re put in these types of situations it definitely feels that way and it sucks

It pairs into the question for people who are dating they’ll get asked when they plan on getting engaged and married

Or people who are married get asked when they’re going to have kids

It’s also okay to not want any of that, to not want a partner for yourself, to not want to get married, or to not have kids

It all boils down to the same tactic of give a brief response and then change the focus of the conversation

If you become the message asker then you get to be in control of where the conversation goes

Which, speaking of control, controlling yourself at weddings when you’re single is a big topic

Shifting your mindset from finding someone to meet who is also single and going home together to having fun with the couple getting married will let you enjoy the night so much more

You’re not going in with the goal of meeting someone and constantly having your head on a swivel trying to find a suitable mate for the evening but rather enjoying the evening by celebrating the reason you’re there

Dance the night away, make good memories and if you just so happen to meet someone, then great

The wedding I was a bridesmaid in in early November was the msot fun I’ve ever had at a wedding and it’s because my focus was on having fun that and the music was really good

I was completely sober and on the dance floor the entire night, yes doing the worm at the brides demands, 

But remember, your reputation will still be with you the next day and you don’t want to be known as the person to sleep their way through the wedding

Or to get too drunk that you can’t drive yourself home

As i’m planning this episode out I’m finishing up how i met your mother, for the second time, and without spoiling the show if you haven’t watched it yet, but Ted is single at his friends wedding and the focus from Barney is for him to find a girl at the Friday night festivities to have for the weekend

Low and behold it doesn’t work out and he finds a girl who is a complete disaster

The episodes that encompass this wedding are all about how Ted is single and it’s so sad that he’s single at this nice wedding for his friends

He’s unbothered by his relationship status but everyone else is putting this pressure on him to find someone and then express how sorry the feel for him for being single

And because everyone is instilling this belief in Ted, he starts to take action in finding someone to spend his weekend with

What i’m telling you is don’t let other people impose beliefs in you about being single at a wedding

Many people are single at weddings and it’s okay

You don’t need a plus one to have a good time, heck I went to my clients wedding last year and I knew her and one other guest who I hadn’t spoken to in ten years

And I had a great time, I didn’t stay super late but I enjoyed being there as I was with this client for a majority of her relationship and it was wonderful to see it progress from the moving in together to getting engaged, to moving states together and then getting married

Being single and not knowing many people at the wedding allows you to be open to meeting everyone without any preconceived notion as to how your night is going to turn out

You get to just be in the moment and not feel  responsible for your plus one having a good time

Because, I’m going to repeat this again, your relationship status does not take away from who you are as a person

You are whole and complete and at a wedding to celebrate your friend finding their forever person

It’s okay to want that for yourself, your time will come eventually

But being single at a wedding, not just in your twenties, is a common experience

I wouldn’t be making an episode on this topic if I didn’t think it was relatable

It’s on you to manage your mind, to manage your expectations, and to manage your attitude as you go into wedding weekend

And on that note that’s how I’m wrapping up this episode of how to twenty-something

So if you’re listening to this and are feeling a little better about being single at a wedding then please let me know, share this episode with a friend or post it on social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode