Be YOU

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something.. Hold on

WELCOME TO THE 100TH EPISODE OF HOW TO TWENTY-SOMETHING

Ahhh can you believe it!? 100 episodes, almost two years worth of work, impact, inspiration, guests, connections, and experiences 

For reference, Most podcasts don’t make it past episode 20 let alone freaking 100 so this is a very big deal and an amazing excuse to celebrate with a little happy dance

This podcast is a true labor of love

And a lot of yall have been listening since the very beginning, some of you found me a few episodes back, and heck this might be your very first episode, in which case, welcome

And because it’s episode 100, i figured it should be an episode about you

Episode 52 was my story and how I got to where I am today, but now it’s time to talk about you and how to be yourself

And by that I mean, how to stand in your own shoes, think with your own thoughts, and be who you want to be even with all of the external noise, the comparisons, and the snapshots into other people’s lives that exist all around us all the time

This episode topic was sparked by the book my book club read in January and February: the happiness project

Because in one of the chapters Gretchen Rubin talks about what her definition of happiness is and how it differs from other people and it’s scary to admit that out loud or when trying to find some commonality between you and a new person since you’re goal is to feel accepted

And if you meet someone who doesn’t accept your interests, you’ll feel more inclined to hideaway from the next person that comes your way who might just love your cooky interests as much as you do, but you’re too busy hiding out that it becomes a missed opportunity 

And then there is always her reminder throughout her book to Be Gretchen

Or in other words, be you

But this is something I had to really learn for myself just last year and after learning this lesson to be me and do me, my life got a lot more enjoyable

I mean sure there is this pull sometimes to be like everyone else and for me that would look like partying on the weekends, having a 9-5 corporate job and steady paycheck, and be more flexible and go with the flow

But at the end of the day that’s not how I roll and I really like how I roll.. I’m really proud of the life I’m building, the passions I can talk about from coaching to fitness to the weather, and I want to help you be just as comfortable in your own shoes as I am in mine

And the best side effect with doing so is building up your self confidence

So this episode is designed to give you a glimpse into how I fully stepped into being me, how I help my clients do so for themselves, why it’s so important to implement, and of course intertwined throughout, how you can do so for yourself

And I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t remind you that if this is something you need help with, then please head to the show notes and click the let’s chat link so I can help you succeed in stepping into the most true version of yourself so you can stay focused on your own path, wants, and desires

And That’s really where is all boils down to, authenticity, or the act of being true to oneself

This is in the form of your actions your values, your likes and dislikes, standing up for what you believe in, walking away from what no longer serves you, and dancing to the beat of your own drum

Maybe you’re thinking “how can I be anyone else but myself? That makes no sense”

But the truth is as humans we have a habit of mirroring those around us

Whether it’s a lifestyle we see on social media or even reality tv, a hobby everyone and their mother is getting into, mannerisms, fads or trends, literally anything that catches our attention that other people are doing or liking 

From fashion trends to career paths to checking off the boxes of life

You really have to break down your own stories and beliefs and ask yourself is this your own or is this someone else’s story or belief being projected onto you and now you are taking it on as your own

And as a result feeling badly about what you’re not doing or having or achieving as a result of what other people tell you should be doing having or achieving

And we talked about this in the branding episode from a few months ago, but you need to be yourself and come from a place of authenticity because that’s how you’ll develop the relationships and life that you know in your heart you want for yourself

While also knowing that what you want is going to be different from what someone else wants

Which is great because life would be pretty freaking boring if we all wanted the same exact things

It reminds me of older tv shows where the producer emphasizes the idea of living in a simulation where every house looks the same, everyone drives the same car, every family is the nuclear family of 4 dynamic with a son and a daughter and then you have one character that has an existential crisis and finally comes to and wants to be different

We’re not meant to be the exact same

It’s why there’s the cliche saying of be yourself, everyone else is already taken

Because when you are you, unapologetically and full out, you increase your levels of happiness and fulfillment

You have more confidence and self acceptance since you stop seeking validation from the people around you and trust your own gut and follow a path that you believe is the right one for you

I don’t know if you know this about me but I am a very head strong person

Meaning, when I have an idea or a thought for something that I really want to do or have, there is nothing and no one who is going to stop me from at least trying

For example, when I first decided that I was going to leave my corporate job to pursue my own business, I had just turned 24 and no one believed I was actually going to follow through.. That and/or they didn’t believe in me 

But I knew this is what I was going to do, I knew that I was going to try my best, save up as much money as I could, and most of all get out of the city that made me feel so trapped during the pandemic

I had a lot of naysayers, however I wasn’t turning to anyone for validation as to whether or not this was the right decision 

Because I knew it was the right decision for me

And the more I planned, the more I kept saying this is what I’m going to do and the more I removed the negative noise from my life, the more possible this dream became and the more people who got on board in supporting me

But regardless if no one got on board or if 500 people got on board, I was creating my path for me

A path that allows me to live through my passion and create a life where I am happy to put in the work.. Even when I’m really stressed out

It was the same for when I decided I was starting this podcast

I had been sitting on the idea for a solid year and I finally was like you know what, I’m going to do it – it then became a matter of how and when

Which is what my coach helped me map out and here we are… 100 episodes deep 

But i created this podcast for me, it’s a place for me to speak my truths that I know are helpful to anyone who listens and it’s a place for other people I meet to also speak their truths

This podcast is the platform for authenticity where you hear real stories and I express my real opinions

I didn’t ask anyone for permission or if I should do this or not, I decided for myself and then sought out the help to carry it out

And that’s what I want you to be able to do for yourself and define what that looks like for you

It could be moving cities, dating someone, accepting a new job, picking up a hobby

I mean sure you can turn to your friends, talk it through with your coach or therapist, or have a conversation with your mom

Because sometimes we need to be granted permission to go do something we really want to do or try

Which makes sense because we’re in our twenties so the first two thirds of our life if not more, were spent asking for permission

Permission to do everything, including using the bathroom

But now we’re adults and we get to decide for ourselves, except that requires learning what decision is going to serve us the best

Or in a way that we won’t regret later on

And it takes some time to build up that muscle of trusting your own intuition, thinking a plan through without overthinking, and taking action in accordance to your dreams, goals, and aspirations

But the more you do it the more confidence, assurance, and respect you have for yourself

And as a result of taking action based on what you want for yourself, you’ll encounter the right people along the way

Authenticity attracts your people to you because they appreciate you for who you are.. Even the parts you might not particularly like about yourself

Your relationships become stronger because when you act in alignment of your values and opinions you develop honest and trusting relationships

I had a client last year who was very unhappy at her job because her team didn’t like how much personality she had

And trust me this girl has soooo much personality

But it opened up a conversation about being yourself and to know that people are going to hate you and love you for the same reasons

Some people felt threatened by her level of confidence and wanted to tear her down as a result, where other people admired and adored her confidence and celebrated her for it

Both parties saw her confidence

And instead of quieting her own self down she found a new room that accepted her for her

Which then further invites two different conversations into this discussion: what happens to you when you’re in the wrong rooms and how to embrace your own uniqueness

Let’s start with the first part of that: being in the wrong rooms

I find that when you are surrounded by the wrong people, whether those are the naysayers, the negative nancies, the settlers and you’re over here standing strong as a doer, you’re going to feel like there is something wrong with you

News flash!!! There isn’t

But because you are constantly surrounded by a similar mindset of people you feel like the oddball out

It’s why it’s important for married couples to have other married coupled friends, single people to have other single people friends, entrepreneurs to be in environments with other entrepreneurs and so on and so forth

It’s not to say you can’t have some conglomerate of circles, but it is to say that if you are constantly questioning what you’re doing because you’re looking around and it seems like everyone else is on one path over there and you’re the only one doing something different, then you need some new people around you!

Actually, while I’m planning out this episode I had two conversations that reflected this ideology just this week

One was with my friend who is about to turn 30 at the time of this conversation – her birthday was last month, but she said she wasn’t scared of 30 until moving to the south where it seems like everyone is married and popping out babies, but when she talks to her friends in california they have the response of ‘oh you’re so young, live it up, you have time’

Because who you are conversing with is going to directly influence how you feel about your own life

The other conversation was with one of my clients who is in college and has a fear of the mundaneness and lack of fun that comes with the real world

But when we pulled back to the curtain of his life right now he realized he’s currently living his fear and wants to do something about it, which means making more friends only these friends need to be people who want to share that spontaneity and funness in life and not sit around and lounge in their free time all the time

It’s hard to want to do something different than your primary friend group since it’s what you see all the time

Which brings me to the second part and that is your uniqueness

We have a constant desire to blend in with everyone else as a means of acceptance

Our society promotes individuality yet has everyone moving through life at the exact same pace and falling short of the perceived norm or doing something different deems you as a failure or an outcast

Like make it make sense

Be original but do as everyone else does

Talk about hypocrisy 

And then when you finally have the freedom and the itch to go against the status quo it becomes that much more terrifying to do because hardly anyone else around you is following suit

But here’s another thought for you to ponder: if you know your exact path and your exact next steps as though it’s a blueprint layed out for you to follow, then you are not living your life on your own terms, but rather following someone else’s path that came before you

There’s beauty in not knowing, yes it’s scary, but it’s beautiful to know you have the power to design your own life

Yes find a mentor, but use their path as your guideline to skip over some hurdles or lessons learned the hard way

Just don’t use their life as the holy grail

The other part of being yourself that i want to touch on in this episode is the influence of other people’s opinions

I’ve talked about the naysayers already, but this is different.. When you are being yourself you accept other people’s opinions as their own and not let it directly influence what you know in your heart is right for you

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask people for their opinions, obviously if you’re unsure or need to talk it through or need an extra dose of validation then going to the people who you trust and respect is going to be great in this situation

What i’m talking about is when people give their unsolicited opinions because it’s usually a projection of their own fears and insecurities

I’ve been on both sides of the unsolicited opinion track and have had to learn some tough lessons based on both that i’m going to share with you

If you know you have a tendency to give advice or add in your two cents, then you need to learn to ask first

Ask if you can give your opinion or if it’s even wanted and be okay if the other person says no

My best friend values my opinion and I am very direct, but I also know that sometimes I say things to say things without her consent, more or less, as in she was seeking my input and I was basically just word vomiting and she would lean more into my words than her own

Now once learning this about her and how much power she puts in the words coming out my mouth, I realized I don’t necessarily need to keep my mouth shut, but I do need to either preface my own opinion as mine and back it up with an explanation as to where it was derived from, or ask her if she’s even looking for my two cents

The other side of the track is if you’re the one receiving opinions you didn’t ask for, whether they’re your best friend or not, you need to ask yourself: does this person already have the life or goals I’m working towards

And if they don’t, then their input is irrelevant 

For example, when I just a few months into my coaching business, I was ramping up my social media posts to gain traction and exposure and as a way to serve my audience

My friend, who was two years younger than me, working a 9-5, and had no intention of ever becoming an entrepreneur, told me I was posting too much

Mind you this was already an insecurity I had because I have the unconscious and sometimes conscious belief that I am annoying and posting too much is annoying to my followers

I call it annoying little sister syndrome since my sister always liked to remind me growing up that I’m so annoying and the belief was instilled in me and shows up in just about every area of my life

So when my friend told me that it was annoying at how much I was posting, I went right back into my little hole of oh my god my biggest insecurity and fear is ringing true

My coach had to then ask me: is this friend a successful entrepreneur? I said no. She asked – do you want her lifestyle? To which I also said no. Then my coach said – then why are you taking her advice when she doesn’t know the industry or what you’re building and you don’t want to follow the path she’s on?

Similarly, when my best friend first started dating her boyfriend, I was in my hopelessly single stage of life, I gave her my input that I don’t think this is her forever guy and she took it to heart and was therefore hesitant to commit to him

But if she had stopped to think about what she was looking for in a partner, looked at my single life with zero background in what a successful relationship looks like, and asked me why I thought so

Then she would have been able to stick to her own thoughts and maybe committed to him faster

But instead, she took my words as the holy grail and later on I was able to explain that it was because she didn’t seem excited or happy about him with the way she spoke 

After we talked it out, which was a month after my initial comment, I saw her be more open about him and see how much she likes him

Basically, what I’m getting at is you need to form your own opinions based on your past, present, and what you want/are working towards in your future

We all want to give our input into other people’s lives, warranted or not, but when you are living your life on your own terms, by your own rules, using the blueprint provided by someone you want to follow, and take action in ways that feel good to you, then you will fully and wholeheartedly be yourself 

While also knowing that being anything less and hiding certain parts of you out of fear of rejection, is a disservice to the people around you and hinders your ability to develop and enforce strong, healthy relationships

If you pause for one second, when hanging around your core people, ask yourself: what version of me does this person or these people bring out?

I have friends that bring out my goofy funny side, my boyfriend brings out the most calm version of me, and my best friend brings out my entrepreneurial spirit

All of those jess’s that show up are still me

You need variety, you need people in your life to challenge you in healthy ways or bring you back to your center, but you also need to remember that your thoughts influence your actions and are derived from your past experiences

There is no wrong way to do life, there is only a wrong way for you based on what you want your outcomes to look like and how you want to feel about yourself and the path you are on

Besides, you can always hop to a different path if the one you’re on is no longer serving you

But i’m going to remind you again: to be yourself, because everyone else is already taken

And on that note, I am going to conclude the 100th episode of how to twenty-something! 

Here’s to 100 more

So if you liked what you heard, if you’ve been listening for quite some time now, if you know someone who needs to be listening to this show, then please share this episode and let me know you’re listening!!!

Send it to a friend, post it on social media, give me a five star rating, do something to help me expand my reach and help other twenty-somethings navigate the most complicated decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode