Develop confidence in your twenties

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something with today’s topic being all about confidence

Which is one of my favorite things to talk about, so I figured why not bestow this topic onto all of you during my favorite week of the year, my birthweek! 

Something I had to learn as I started promoting that I help people with confidence is that being confident doesn’t mean you no longer possess any insecurities or that your perfect or immune to feeling less than

In fact, confidence, is a belief in yourself that comes from the proof you created through taking action towards whatever category of life you are focused on in that moment

So you can be a confident person when you step into a room but insecure or small when you have to speak in front of room

There are different skill sets that are associated with building confidence depending on what comes to mind when I say you need to build up your confidence

I mean, I’m a confidence coach, but that doesn’t I don’t share my own insecurities, heck I have plenty to go around

More specifically, as a confidence coach, for one I have to have the confidence to call myself that, but two know what that means for my audience

Which, I’ll tell you what that means… as a confidence coach for twenty-somethings I help you get your shit together and own your life

But there’s more to that

I help you feel confident about who you are, what you’re doing, and where you’re going

And it’s because as you move through your twenties you are encountering new experience after new experience so of course you’re going to suck at it at first, of course you’re going to feel lost and confused, of course you’re going to look around at your peers and feel behind or like you’re lacking some secret to being a successful adult

Where everyone else seems like they got this memo of adult this way and yours got lost in the mail

Confidence is a direct result of taking action, so then it becomes a matter of what direction do you need to take

And working with a coach helps you with that direction and all the steps required to take in between to bring you from where you are right now to where you want to be

It’s why I give my clients action steps to carry out in between sessions to help progress them forward and pave the way for their own confidence to shine through

And as a reminder, please know that I am always accepting new clients, unless you specifically hear me say my schedule it full, which to this date I have never considered my coaching schedule to be full

So if you’re ready to starting owning your life, successfully adult, and get to a place where you feel so confident about who you are, what you’re doing, and where you’re going, then please book a call with me so I can help you do it in a much faster, easier, less stressful way

I’ve been doing this coaching thing for 3 and a half years and I have worked with dozens of twenty-somethings, including myself, and have had immense success with everyone I have ever helped, so know that I can most definitely help you too

You’re already in the right place by listening to this podcast, but trust me, you can do all the podcast listening and book reading as you want, but nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to working with a coach who has created a system that perfectly suits your needs

So just head to the show notes and click the very first link to schedule a road to success call with me and we can see if working together is what will help you the most in this phase of your life

And together, we can build your confidence so you do achieve your goals and get to a place of unstuckness and land of opportunity so you do make the most of your twenties while also setting yourself up to thrive in your thirties and beyond

All you have to do is believe in yourself and be willing to try

And that’s also where confidence derives from

So what is confidence 

Confidence is trusting that you can handle any situation that comes your way, that you can figure a way out of anything and then as I mentioned before it’s a belief in your own qualities, abilities, and judgement to carry out whatever you set your mind to

This episode is going to highlight the different types of confidence, situations that rock your confidence and then how to build it back up, and characteristics you can focus on improving to increase your confidence

Starting with the different types of confidence as there are three key areas to harness and those are your confidence in yourself, confidence in social situations, and situational confidence

They all overlap, but they do surface in different ways depending on who you are, your past experiences, and what you’re trying to improve

Just like the example I gave you earlier, you can have high social and self confidence for when you walk into a room, say a networking event, but the moment you are asked to speak on stage and you’re not a seasoned public speaker, your situational confidence takes over and you plummet

Simply because it’s something you’re not used to

Which is really the bottomline of any type of confidence: when something is new, foreign, or unfamiliar it is natural to feel nervous or like you have no idea what you’re doing

Building your confidence comes from leaving your comfort zone and learning from your experiences so they improve with time

And what’s funny, is as you work to build your confidence, you build up your resilience in the process

Your ability to adapt to and bounce back from a moment in time that rocks your confidence drastically improves

So let’s start off with self-confidence which is what I would say most people associate the term confidence with and it’s how I defined it at the start of this episode.. A trust in your own abilities and worth

This means following through on what you say you’re going to do

In the simplest way, you can build up this trust in yourself and what you’re capable of by setting small goals and tasks every day, week, month, or quarter for you to accomplish

The best habit you could ever develop is one where you follow through on the commitments you made to yourself

It’s being reliable to you; removing everyone else from the equation

Because remember, you have full control over yourself

And then as a reminder, celebrate your achievements, celebrate the moments where you are checking off a task or promise to yourself and you sought it through to the end

You need to acknowledge the progress you’re making along the way, not just when it’s noticeably different, but the tiny moments in between

Now those are internal ways of building your self-confidence, but there are also external factors to consider, as in feeling confident in the way you look and present yourself

If you have oily hair, pimples, extra chub on your body, crooked teeth, literally anything you are self conscious about in regards to your physical appearance, then it is going to translate to how you show up when you walk into a new space

Now depending on how much these physical traits bother you or make you want to hide away will determine what you want to focus on improving so it doesn’t encourage you to shy away from experiences

I know I personally suffer with skin issues, my skin has been on a complete roller coaster from minor acne to intense flare ups that I found out were from eating dairy to completely clear skin to another flare up due to stress and overtraining

And I’ll tell you, whenever I’m in the middle of a flare up I feel so embarrassed in my skin because I always grew up believing adults don’t get acne, teenagers get acne and I’m not a teenager

Obviously acne can’t be fixed overnight and I work really hard to get to the root of my flare up since it’s usually my body’s way of communicating to me that something is up, but I’m telling you this because my acne rocks my confidence 

And maybe you think acne isn’t embarrassing, which I don’t think i used to think it was, but I was in relationship with a guy who would point them out and play connect the dots with the pimples on my face

And I know I’m not alone in feeling self-conscious about my skin, but also that maybe for you it isn’t your skin but it’s your body or your hair or some physical trait you stare at for far too long in the mirror day in and day out

To improve this type of self-confidence you can practice positive habits that will compound to the way you feel both externally and internally

For example, you could develop an exercise routine, eat whole natural foods, practice good posture, get good sleep, shower regularly, get invisalign, get a new haircut, buy a new outfit

Something that is going to incrementally increase the way you feel about yourself in a positive way

Bringing me to the third subset of self-confidence which involves the words being exchanged in your immediate environment 

Whether that’s the words you say to yourself or the words the people in your circle say to you

You want to be around supportive people who lift you up not belittle you and that goes for your own self-talk as well

Stop tearing yourself down for the parts of you you don’t particularly like, and instead do something about it and then remind yourself you are actively working on improving this part of you

I know it’s easier said than done, but these things take time and consistency to change so you do get to a point where you know people aren’t looking at you as much as you are looking at you

So just show up for yourself

Up next is social confidence which is feeling comfortable or at ease in different social interactions

This ones tricky and definitely takes some time to figure out for yourself because you can feel super comfortable in some situations that involve a lot of other people and then feel super uncomfortable, self-conscious, and on high alert in other situations

For example, if you invite me to a potluck and there’s going to be 20 people there that I don’t know, I’m fine, but if you invite me to a bar it doesn’t matter whether there are 5 people inside of 500 people inside, I am uncomfortable and would like to be anywhere else 

I know that about myself, it doesn’t mean I lack social confidence it simply means that through my nearly 28 years on this earth, I have learned that the bar scene is not for me

I thrive in one on one or small group moments versus bigger group outings because I’m an introvert and will quickly be overwhelmed and then drained by all of the people

So start with pinpointing what situations make you feel nervous or unsure and conversely, when and where you feel comfortable

Is there a way you can slowly start to integrate these two instances that you can think of so it’s not such a stark contrast from comfort to extreme discomfort?

But a large part of building up your social confidence comes from being able to walk into a place by yourself.. It’s why I created a free resource called 3 ways to walk into a room with confidence and you can still download that at jessdiamondcoaching.com/confidence so you can feel more secure in yourself and your existence when walking into any new room

What’s not included in that pdf is how to build up this confidence

Like by smiling at a stranger or even initiating a brief conversation

I took a 6 week improv class in January and that very first class I was nervous.. I walked into the room and there were 5 people already there sitting down facing the door I had just come through

And I immediately introduced myself and then made a joke that I wasn’t going to remember anyone’s names after they all introduced themselves 

And by the end of the 2.5 hour class we all felt a little more comfortable with one another

But the initial interaction was a small risk, it was a brief interaction that helped me build up my social confidence

You could also go into unknown situations with some topics of conversations prepared or questions to ask

Small talk moments like what did you do this weekend or how long have you lived here or more specific relationship building questions such as… wow I’m literally drawing a blank on this one because it kind of depends on where you are with what question will make sense

But an example could be what do you like to do in your free time? Or do you have a goal you’re working towards right now

Topics could be something that interests you, like I always get a kick out of telling people i’m a weather nerd and I look at the global weather patterns on a regular basis

But basically you want to build rapport with someone and those connections get stronger when you share something about yourself and of course ask something about the other person too

And stay curious, if you are so focused on what you’re doing or not doing and so afraid of being judged, then you’re going to freeze up and further prove to yourself that you have no social confidence

Instead, keep the focus on the other person stay curious about learning more about them, let them do most of the talking until you feel like you have something to contribute 

Social confidence is built through consistent practice, so unfortunately you do need to keep putting yourself in social situations that give you a healthy level of discomfort

My recommendation would be to take up activity related interactions like a pickleball group, a walking group, a run club, even kickball or a league you can join, I joined improv last month to help with this

That way you leave your comfort zone by showing up but you don’t necessarily have to have a conversation or at least not a constant stream of conversation since you’re actively doing something at the same time

I personally think that a major part of the insecurities people feel under the social confidence umbrella is having to converse with people

Whether you don’t know what to talk about, ask people about, or share about yourself, or you worry about the awkward pauses in conversations when it has come to an end and a new topic hasn’t been introduced

Don’t get me wrong, it is awkward

I’ve been on my fair share of first dates or networking events where this has happened and it doesn’t get easier to deal with

Especially if you’re the one lacking confidence in this area of your life you’re going to immediately feel self-conscious about this moment

And then comes the pesky thoughts of is something wrong with me, or oh gosh this isn’t going well there’s nothing to talk about, or quick think of something to say fill the gap 

And you can fill in any thought that comes your way, but what I do want to tell you is that a lull in conversation is normal and it’s okay for there to be silence

Coaching has taught me to be able to sit in silence because I also know that in human psychology the other person will probably fill that silence as they are not comfortable with it either

So take the pressure off of yourself to carry the conversation and know that it’s okay if there is some silence and eventually you will get to a point where you feel more at ease and even capable of handling social interactions

Bringing me to the third type of confidence – situational confidence which is believing in your ability to succeed in certain tasks or even certain settings

I think the biggest part of building this type of confidence comes from accruing knowledge that is going to help you feel more at ease

You see, a lot of confidence stems from assurance and assurance stems from knowledge that knowledge provides you with proof that you know what you’re doing and that is your confidence 

So when it comes to situational confidence, begin with researching what you’re about to step into

What you need to wear, what people you can expect to interact with, the environment this is taking place in, the timing of everything, whether there will be food or drinks, the level of energy you need to bring, etc

Literally anything that is causing you worry or stress, you need to research

Either on your own or through asking the right people the right questions so you know what’s required or appropriate in that given setting

Then my favorite piece of advice to give is always go with a plan, this is one of the tips on the free pdf i mentioned earlier and I’ve mentioned it on other episodes

But basically, before you walk inside you need to have a plan of where are you going to go first and what is the minimum time you are staying

If it’s a networking event my rule of thumb is go to the bar first where I get a water, but that’s me, you can order whatever you like, and then I have to stay for at least 30 minutes before I’m allowed to leave

The caveat is, I have to try in those 30 minutes to talk to people

Which has never been an issue for me because at some point someone is going to come up to you if they see you by yourself

Just don’t be on your phone or looking down at the ground

This is where your posture and body language become super important 

I know I don’t like going up to strangers but it’s somewhat okay for a stranger to approach me so I usually let the extrovert do the heavy lifting by initiating a conversation

And it’s also what I tell my introverted clients

In 2023, I made it a goal to build up my situational confidence by going to networking events and not asking a friend to go with me or asking any friends if they were going

I was just going blind and giving myself my two steps: go to the bar and stay for 30 minutes

Yes it was uncomfortable, but by having a plan in place it made it much easier to go

So gradually expose yourself to the parts of your situational confidence that you are working on improving, give yourself a pep talk before going somewhere, know the parking situation ahead of time, if applicable, and take nice deep breaths before entering

I want to remind you again that a large part of the reason why you don’t feel confident going into a new situation is because it’s new and you don’t have all of the information yet

Which is why you need to get as much information as you can prior to going and then go because I can almost guarantee that the missing pieces of information will get answered and it’ll make it easier to show up next time

I’ll even give an example for a job interview, since that tends to be the most nerve-racking situation for my twenty-somethings

Start with researching the company, the role, and if possible, the person interviewing you as thoroughly as you can

Grab a friend and role play interview questions, I do this with my clients a lot and then provide them with feedback that paints them in the best light

Have your favorite outfit picked out and a freshly printed resume just in case

Know where you’re going, what parking is like, how much time you need for your commute and to be able to arrive 10-15 minutes early if it’s in person

Have questions prepared for the person interviewing you, this is also something I work on with my clients since part of the work I do is to make sure your career supports the quality of life you want to have and that means having your own set of non-negotiables and asking questions to make sure you don’t end up in a crappy situation and on another job hunt in 6 months

Talk yourself up before going in, and then depending on the person either jump out the jitters or take calm deep breaths

And afterwards reflect on how you did and what you can work on for next time

But regardless of the type of confidence you are working towards improving, you need to take action

Confidence is built, it’s a skill, it can be taught and refined but it does begin with a level of self-awareness and then asking yourself what you can work on based on what you observed about yourself

A lot of times when a potential client comes to me, they express that they don’t know if what they want is possible for them, or in other words, they don’t believe they are capable of achieving the goals and life they are after

To which I always respond with, let me hold that belief for you until you’re ready, but we’re going to take action in the meantime 

Because I know that the work I do elicits insane results and I have yet to come across a client who remained exactly where they are 3 months into working with me.. Heck even one month into working with me

So if you don’t have the belief or the confidence yet, find someone to hold that space for you and help guide you through it at your own pace

It could be a best friend, a parent, or a coach like me

But you need confidence, not arrogance, arrogance is when you reject feedback and have an inflated sense of your abilities, confidence is a genuine ability and knowing what you’re good at and what you need to work on

Your confidence will help you be resilient towards any person or experience because it requires you to believe in you and not let anyone else’s words get in the way

Remember: it’s you against you

And if you need help it can always be me and you working together, just know I’ve got your back through your headphones so imagine what it would be like if we were working together one on one

It’s life changing 

And I can say that because i am confident in the work I do and my capabilities as a coach for twenty-somethings

So if that appeals to you or if you’re curious about what that looks like for you, then i’m going to remind you again to head to the show notes and click the link where it says let’s chat so we can have a conversation about what’s currently going on and if I’m the coach to help you

Although if you’ve listened to this much of this episode, I can almost guarantee that we would make a good fit

On that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, and hopefully by now you know how to get started in building your confidence in your twenties

If you liked what you heard, or know someone who needs to hear this episode then please share it, send it to a friend or post it ons social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode