Why You Feel Out of Place in Your Own Life

Welcome back to how to twenty-something where today’s episode is on your identity

And without scaring you away.. It’s to highlight why you feel so out of place in your own life

Whether it’s because you moved back to your hometown and it’s the same but not at the same time.. So you’re learning how to shake off the younger version of you even though you have constant reminders pulling you back

Or because you had some unexpected setbacks that has changed your trajectory and you’re trying to figure out who you are now as a result

Like getting diagnosed with a chronic illness, losing your job, going through a break up.. Things that make you feel like you took ten million steps in the opposite direction you were originally planning on heading 

It could even be from the overarching comparison of where your peers at in life versus where you’re at and the milestones you thought you’d reach by now

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about identity and it’s some deep coaching work for sure, but it’s so helpful when it comes to setting goals and realistic expectations for this current phase of your life

Because if you don’t take the time to learn who you are right now, you’re going to constantly feel behind or lost or upset and that your life is in shambles

And that’s not what any of this means

You feel out of place in your life because what you’re experiencing is all brand new

You’re molding into this new version of yourself who is unfamiliar but is a natural progression to adulthood

Where you probably had a vision in mind of what you would be doing or where you would be at this point in your life and when the vision doesn’t become a reality, you feel lost

Because there’s a mismatch between expectations and reality

Right now, regardless of what’s causing it, you are outgrowing an old version of yourself and that’s scary

And because everything around you is changing and it’s like your brain didn’t get the memo and is playing catch up

I think your environment plays a major role in this identity shift and so does your community

For example, if you are someone who moved back to the town you grew up in, or roughly close to that area where you didn’t really have to learn the names of big streets or how to get on the interstate and home is like a 40 minute or less commute away.. You’re going to feel disoriented

It doesn’t matter if this move happened right after college, if you moved right back into your parents house, or if this move happened later in your twenties.. The feeling is the same

You’re back home, but you’re not back home at the same time

It’s like you somehow expected everything to press pause while you were gone and pick right back up when you returned and obviously that is not how life works

So you’re gone for x number of years and come back to things being the same and brand new at the same time

Which is incredibly confusing 

Your friends you grew up with aren’t all there anymore.. If at all, so you have to learn how to make new friends in an area you grew up in

You’re constantly being reminded of things from your childhood, even if it was your senior year of high school, so you have this pull to resort back to childhood tendencies

And it’s like your childlike identity is fighting this new adult identity 

It leaves you feeling stuck if not a little trapped

I have 2 friends who moved out of state after college and found themselves back in their hometown.. Intentionally.. A few years later

And by hometown I mean like 1 or 2 towns over from where they grew up and their parents still reside

One friend adjusted fairly well with making new friends and trying to navigate family boundaries

Another friend has had a hard time getting herself to do anything besides go to work and go home

And her reasoning is it feels weird

And it’s because it is weird!

You’re balancing trying to hold on to your memories, if not recreate them, while also trying to make new ones, find new interests, explore adult you

It’s pulling you in two different directions.. Creating chaos in your brain

And it’s why you feel out of place because you’re not quite settled in this new adulting season and you’re still shedding older parts of you

So it leaves you thinking: who am i?

Because you’re not the person you were when you left your hometown, but there are these constant reminders surrounding you everywhere you go

And if you’re someone who is having a hard time adjusting into this next chapter, there’s a really good chance you’re questioning what you’re doing with your life

You’re questioning this decision, what you’re doing, the direction you’re taking your life… everything 

And right now, your adult life isn’t what you thought it would be

You’re outgrowing things you used to love to do

You’re seeking out new experiences but they keep creeping back to the mundane of what used to be.. Like driving along the same streets, going to the same restaurants, seeing your family regularly in your childhood home

And this isn’t to stress you out, it’s to normalize what you’re experiencing so now you can relax into this transition 

Acknowledge that it’s going to feel weird

And then explore what matters to you right now, what is your definition of success right now, and what is no longer a good fit for you

Because those answers are going to change with each new transition you enter.. So answer them for yourself right now.. The today you

For example, success right now, if you’re someone who just graduated college, could look like having a full-time job

If you’re someone who has a job already, then success might look like getting a promotion you’re after

If you’re someone who feels really good about your career, then success might look like having friends to go do things with

Or a healthy relationship

Or owning a house

Because everyone wants success, but what that means for the individual is going to vary.. You need to identify what your definition is right now, within say the next 6 months to year

But overall, I would say returning home is one reason why you feel out of place.. The other reason is if you weren’t where you thought you’d be

You had some kind of setback that is throwing off all the plans and goals you were originally working towards

Whether it was a break up with the person you thought you were going to marry and now you’re fighting for your life in the dating scene

It could be health problems.. I know so many people who have been diagnosed with some kind of chronic illness in their late twenties that is throwing a wrench in what they originally thought their body was capable of and therefore their lifestyle

It could be losing your job and now you’re contemplating completely switching careers

It could be that you haven’t gotten a job yet and you graduated last year

Regardless of the situation you’ve found yourself in.. you’re not where you thought you’d be in life

Again a mismatch of expectations versus reality

So now your identity has to learn to switch into this new reality that you did not see coming and adjust accordingly

Which is far easier said than done

.. Here’s what not to do when you’re feeling out of place

Do not make rash decisions

• Date the first person that bats an eye towards you because you’re lonely
• Say yes to the first place to give you a job even though it’s not ideal
• Find a new apartment in a new city to move to
• Set your life on fire and start over

Because here’s your hard truth: you cannot out run internal transitions with rash external decisions

You need to slow down, take a breath, and throw your ego out the window

This is about understanding yourself better and the place you’re in right now, knowing this isn’t where you’re going to be for forever

You’re out of place because you’re in transition.. Kind of like being in the in between only a little different in that it’s your identity that is being pulled

And there’s no ‘how to’ on this

There’s no direction or structure or boxes to check which is foreign since you’ve gone your whole life with some kind of structure or plan laid out for you

You always knew what was next and then you graduated and you’re left with this empty canvas where it feels like everyone was given some instruction on what to draw

And you’re left trying to guess what to create and if you’re wrong you fail

And you’re not failing, you’re not in crisis, you’re unsettled and a bit disoriented in yourself

Everything is changing, your environment, circumstances, responsibilities, roles

And there is a lag with your own brain

It’s still operating with old informations

• Old goals
• Old expectations
• Old definitions
• Old timelines

With all of the new things going on

• New roles
• New versions of yourself
• New people
• New routines

So there’s a quiet tension within yourself

Part of you knows things are changing and you’re probably excited about these changes and then the other part of you is still trying to operate like nothing is changing

So not only is your brain confused but your entire existence feels that way

It’s why you feel so exhausted or reactive to things.. You’re more stressed out simply because you don’t quite know your own place yet

Then throw in that invisible pressure to have it all figured out or to be doing what other people around you are doing

But here’s what i want to tell you, feeling out of place in your own life does not mean you’re doing anything wrong

I mean sure there might be some systems you need to work on to fine tune some of your processes to feeling like you again

But you didn’t make a wrong decision that got you to where you’re at right now

You’re simply in a transition and transitions are meant to be unstable

Remember the only constant in life is change

That doesn’t mean you’re always going to be in some kind of transition or change, but it does mean that you can expect it around every corner

This kind of transition.. A transition within your own identity.. Takes time

And all you can really do is learn to sit with this discomfort and of course create plans for yourself to help mold you into this new version

Not just let it happen on it’s own accord

But this is a totally natural part of your twenties and it’s going to happen in more ways than one as you grow through this decade

Just don’t panic about it.. Welcome this new piece of you that you’re working on building and getting to know

And that is how I’m going to end this episode

So thank you for listening to another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, felt seen, or know someone who needs to hear this then please share this podcast

Post it on social media, send it to a friend you know the drill just help me grow this thing to help all of the twenty-somethings in this world navigating the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with a brand new episode