Are You the Partner You Want to Date?

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s episode topic is on being a good partner

We spend so much time nit picking our partner or even potential partner on their red and green flags that we forget to be accountable to our own

I see it all the time on tiktok where a girl will talk about all of the things a guy should be doing for her and then missing the entire second half which is what she should be doing for her partner

And I don’t mean this in a transactional way

Transactional means you’re only going to do something so you get something in return

What I’m referring to is reciprocity

Where there is an equal level of show up, care, and love in this relationship and doesn’t feel one sided 

Yes there are times where one partner will show up more than the other, but it’ll eventually go the other way and overtime balance itself out

So before you go searching for all of the qualities your dream person is supposed to have, why don’t we take a step back and look in the mirror

Because you should not ask for the things you aren’t willing to do 

Which is exactly what I’ll be helping you with in today’s episode where you get to determine for yourself if you’re the partner you would even want to date

And honestly, that starts with your requirements in the other person and then reflecting it back to yourself if you also possess those qualities, values, and habits

Think of what you’re genuinely looking for in a partner whether they are an existing one or a future one

I’m not talking about looking for a guy in finance, 6’5, blue eyes, finance, trust fund

This is loyal, trustworthy, a good communicator, emotionally available, ambitious, kind, reliable, stable

Not the surface level requirements like height, eye color, and if they have hair or not

The deeper inner work that people can change about themselves and lasts longer than looks

I’ll take my relationship with ryan for example

Before Ryan and I went on our first date, I wrote a manifestation as to who i was looking for in a male partner

And those requirements were emotionally intelligent, supportive of my dreams and ambitions, healthy with a consistent workout regimen and cared about what they put in their body, and stable

None of those requirements are unreasonable and I’d like to say I also possess those traits and how I show up in my relationship 

I didn’t manifest what I couldn’t also bring to the relationship

So now it’s your turn

Think about your list and really ask yourself, are you those things

Are you loyal both physically and emotionally 

Are you a good communicator or do you shut down or blow things up when things get hard or conversations get uncomfortable 

Are you emotionally available or do you run away as soon as someone tries to get close to your heart

Are you consistent and stable or is your attitude and motivation variable by the day

Yes even based on different parts of your cycle for the ladies listening 

Because if you’re listening right now and thinking yeah I want my future or current partner to be all of those things and are slowly starting to realize you’re not all of those things, then it’s time to get to work

The point of what I’m saying isn’t to make you feel bad about yourself or unworthy of a partner, it’s to make you more aware of who you are in your relationships and the expectations you’re setting along the way

Because you should not be holding your partner to a standard you haven’t held yourself to first

Which brings me to your blind spots

This is anything you do not see in yourself that is visible to the people around you

We all have them

It’s honestly why I think therapists should talk to best friends, partners, and/or family members to get the scope of what else the client needs to work on

Because when you’re in therapy all you’re going to bring up is what you see and a blind spot is something you can’t see which is why it has the word blind in it

These range, but I will say the biggest one I see and it’s something I’ve worked really hard in myself is communication

Demanding communication in the other person, but then shutting down when it comes time for you to speak up is something you should definitely work on

Like wanting your partner to voice concerns or things that bother them, but then not having it in you to speak up when it’s the other way around

For me, I used to stay silent and become really passive aggressive towards the person that has upset me thinking I was hiding it well

I wasn’t

Or if it’s not becoming passive, then you give the silent treatment and expect the other person to figure out what’s wrong through telepathy

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, confronting someone around something they’ve done that has upset you is not an easy task

But you cannot expect someone else to be open and receptive if you are not able to also be open and receptive 

And it is unreasonable to ask for something that you are unable or even unwilling to do yourself

Another common blindspot is emotional availability

You want someone to be open with their emotions, be vulnerable, yet you are emotionally closed off

And this was me with Ryan for probably the first 4 months of our relationship

I refused to cry in front of him because I was taught through my entire life that tears are basically embarrassing and should be done in private

I wanted a guy who was emotionally intelligent and in touch with his emotions and also open to mine, yet here I was hiding all of my emotions besides the happy ones

Fast forward to now and I could cry in front of him and not hesitate for one second about doing so or fight the tears back

Truthfully, my ex would always stop me from crying because my tears or being sad would make him uncomfortable and looking back, I don’t think I ever saw him cry

And this is so common to find in your twenties, because emotions require vulnerability and you’ve probably been hurt in the past while being vulnerable so you’re going to try very hard to prevent that from happening again

And thus, walls get built and then you’re left wondering why your relationships stay surface level 

It’s kind of like being the strong friend, where you give everyone else space to cry and lean on you for support but in your head it absolutely does not go the other way around

So allow me to tell you that you’re better off learning how to lean on your people just as you allow them to lean on you

You’re not being a burden, you’re strengthening your relationships and the support they are willing to provide 

And then there are some other blindspots like poor boundaries and people pleasing tendencies where you probably know you possess these traits, but in the moment you are blind to it happening until it affects someone else and they bring it up to you

Or demanding someone to be ambitious and a go getter, but you let life pass you by

There’s also wanting consistency, but you yourself fluctuate between being hot and cold

This is especially true when you’re in the early stages of dating where you want the other person to be super responsive but then you will take 1-3 business days to respond back out of fear of looking desperate or too available 

If you feel called out at any point, then good that means you’re on the right track

Awareness is the first step, but what you do with it is the second

Because awareness without action leads to nothing

Now, none of what I’m saying here means you shouldn’t have standards or you should lower them

Standards are healthy and necessary

They don’t mean you’re too picky or demanding or that you’ll never find someone who meets them

So standards are not the problem

The problem is when you set a standard that you yourself are not meeting

Because here’s the thing when it comes to standards: standards without self accountability is really just a checklist that you’re using to judge other people while giving yourself a free pass

Or a way to self sabotage your dating life by constantly writing people off as not good enough or doesn’t check off the boxes, whether or not you’re also checking off those boxes

And what ends up happening when you do have this detailed list that you’re not holding a mirror up to, is you keep attracting people who also have no accountability 

So it’s not a matter of whether or not your standards are set too high

It’s a question as to whether or not you’re holding yourself to the same standard

Now, i’m not going to leave you hanging, so here’s how you’re going to do both at the same time

You keep you standards where they are, do not lower them, we are not about settling over here in jess diamond coaching land, which means you are also not going to convince yourself that almost is good enough

But what you also need to be doing is get really honest with yourself about where you’re falling short and treat yourself with the same deal breaker energy that you would have for someone else

If communication is a non negotiable for you then communication needs to be something you are actively working on in yourself too

If emotional availability is on your list then you need to be willing to do the work to tear down the walls that are keeping you closed off

If consistency is what you need then you need to be someone your partner can count on too

Standards and accountability are not opposites

They are two sides of the same coin

And when you have both, then you have a healthy, strong relationship and so does your partner

No double standard around here, where they must do this but that same thing doesn’t apply to me

So now that we know what to look for, let’s talk about what to actually do about it

The first thing is in regards to communication and being able to clearly communicate when you are upset

Start with noticing what your default is

Do you go silent, blow up, turn passive, bring up past issues that have nothing to do with what’s currently making you upset?

Just notice for right now

And then the next time something upsets you, trying saying it within 24 hours of it upsetting you so it doesn’t become a bigger thing than it needs to be

Another way to strengthen how you show up in your relationship is by working on being present

This is something Ryan and I had a lot of discussions about when we first moved in together

Because he would be in the room with me physically, but not mentally

For reference he would either be playing video games or scrolling on his phone and that created a wall of a disconnect for me

Being present looks like engaging in the conversation with undivided attention

Asking questions, remembering things that were said before, showing up to the conversation like it’s the most interesting part of your day

Presence is so underrated but so valuable and when it comes to filling your partner’s love bucket, regardless of love language

Another thing you can begin working on is showing up even when it’s hard

When you’re stressed, when you want nothing to do with them, when you’re just having a shitty day

And even more so would be how do you respond and show up when your partner is stressed, struggling, or having a bad day

Because that’s where character gets built

It’s staying in the room and being present even when every fiber of your being is screaming at you to run away

Something else that comes to mind is how you handle conflict

Because all relationships have some sort of conflict, it’s how you handle it and work through it that makes a difference

Are you name calling, yelling, bringing up the past, hurting the other person in any way shape or form

Rather than talking things out in a calming way until a resolution is met

And lastly, honestly ask yourself are you pouring into this relationship to the best of your ability

Not 50/50 because life isn’t always going to be a fair split

But in the grand scheme of things, it should feel balanced

And if you can’t remember the last time you showed appreciation, said thank you, did something thoughtful just because, or made your partner feel seen and loved then this is your sign to do something that adds to their love bucket

Because at the end of the day you are who you attract

So if you want to have a great partner, you need to be one first

I know it’s so much easier to point out the other person’s flaws, so next time you have the urge to do so, I want you to turn the finger around and point back at yourself

So that you do become the person you would want to date

And hopefully by now you have a much clearer picture as to how you can start showing up better or a vote of confidence in what you’re already doing 

Which is how i’m going to conclude this episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who needs to hold up the mirror in their relationship, then please share this episode

Give ti a 5 star rating, post it to your story, send it along just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings in this world navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode