Why is it so hard to ask for help

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You’re listening to how to twenty something, the best podcast that helps both men and women navigate their twenties and learn how to “adult” across all aspects of their lives

We’re going to focus on career, relationships, finances, fitness, nutrition, and all of the common challenges and obstacles a typical twenty something will face in this post-college life

I’m your host, Jess Diamond, and I am the CEO and founder of Jess Diamond Coaching where I help young professionals get their shit together, gain their confidence, and own their life

No one prepares you for this adulting world so allow me to help you feel like you are no longer a chicken running around with its head cut off, and that you actually know what the hell is going on and what your next step to take is

Welcome to How To Twenty Something

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Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is on asking for help

It’s something I find so ironic because personally we’re all like “oh my god me, ask for help, not possible,” and that’s for multiple reasons that I’ll get into

But on the other side of the same coin we’re always happy to help someone in need or love when someone asks us for help

So I want to break down why that’s the case, normalize the thoughts racing through your mind preventing you from asking for help, and encourage you to do so 

For starters, there are different people and different kinds of help that will come up throughout your life, not even just your twenties

It shows up everywhere and in different forms because if it’s your first time encountering something in your life, you’re not going to know how to navigate it 

And when it is no longer your first time encountering this thing, then you can extend a helping hand to someone who is now a first timer 

Truthfully, that’s how I got into coaching twenty-somethings

I was having a really tough start to adulthood the first year after graduating college and needed help finding my way through the chaos that had erupted

Where I couldn’t find a job, hated the one I got, and then lost it 7 months later, couldn’t qualify for stimulus checks or for unemployment assistance, and was basically treading waters and essentially drowning while everyone else found their life preservers

Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t an older twenty-something that existed solely to help us younger folks and the pandemic changed every post college experience from that point on

So once I got my bearings and knew what I was doing as an adult, I wanted to become the resource I needed so no one else has to experience this decade alone

I felt called to be the guide for everyone else

You see, we all need help with something, it’s just a matter of how willing you are to go out and ask for it

And sure you can white knuckle it yourself and get through it or you can seek out the people who are just a few steps ahead of you and get through it faster and easier

Like by working with me as your coach as one example

Professionally, this could look like asking your boss to show you how to do something

You’re over here mortified because your boss just explained exactly how to do something and as you go to do it, you realize you don’t actually know how to complete this assignment

So you think it’s better to take twice as long and figure it out on your own rather than bother your busy boss (try saying that 5x fast) and ask them again

This would happen to me a lot when I had my full-time job so what I started doing was after she explained what I needed to do and asked me if I had any questions

I would respond with I don’t right now, but I might once I get started, would it be okay to ask you questions then?

And I loved this boss, she would always respond with yes that’s okay

So that’s one way to work around your fear or embarrassment of asking for help in the workplace

Because I know, there is this unspoken pressure in the workplace to always appear competent, on top of it, and like you know what you’re doing

But trust me, when you’re in your twenties, especially your lower to mid twenties, asking questions and asking for help is always going to save you in the long run

Think of it as instead of starting from 0 and maybe working your way to 100, you’ll get to start at 50 and work your way up because you learned from someone else who most likely learned from the person before them and the one before them and so on

I very much understand that asking for help personally takes a lot of vulnerability

One of the first things I say to a potential client who has booked a call with me is how courageous they were to schedule the call

To admit they needed help with whatever adulting experience they were facing in that moment

It takes a lot to open up to someone, let alone a stranger they’ve never met

Luckily, I do a really good job at making them feel comfortable in being able to do so

Largely because whatever they’re facing, I’ve already experienced in my own right and I help them feel so normal about their struggles

Which is what inspired my tedx talk: you’re not special, you’re just adulting

I love telling everyone how not special they are because that means there is a way through their struggles and their experience is pretty universal

That talk introduces the 3 muscles of connection with vulnerability being the second one to build

Because, as a generation, we have a bad habit of keeping our personal thoughts locked up when we really need to be doing the opposite 

So if you haven’t watched my talk yet, i highly recommend you do so because it is so relevant to this episode and so relevant to life in today’s world

That link is always going to be the first thing you’ll see in the show notes

But vulnerability shows up everywhere

It’s opening up to a friend about what’s not going to well in your life and that you need emotional support from them

It’s admitting to your boss that you don’t understand what you’re doing

It’s asking your parents for financial support when you can’t seem to make ends meet

And for some reason we have it ingrained in us that it’s shameful to ask for help because life is supposed to be happy and perfect, even when we know from a logical perspective that that’s not the case for anyone

We can’t help but believe it to be true when we’re the ones going through it

It’s also realizing that when we’re cringing over the thought of asking for help we’re also totally okay with someone else asking for the same level of help

Like make it make sense

I talk about this in one of my earlier episodes what it means to be the strong friend

Where you’re so used to being the support system for everyone else that you feel like you can’t rely on everyone else when you’re the one who is now in need of the support

Or you don’t want to rely on someone else because then who will they be able to rely on if their strong friend is the one falling apart

And part of why we do this is because we are so afraid of being a burden or admitting defeat

You’ve created this story in your head that asking for help means you are taking something away from someone else

Whether it’s their time, their energy, their focus, their patience, whatever it is you’re taking away from their own life and that is selfish of you to do so

Maybe it’s because someone, say a parent or sibling, once told you that you were bothering them or annoying them when you asked for help and it shut you down from ever doing so again

Yet when someone calls you up or confides in you with something they are struggling with you are so glad that this person trusts you and your opinion to provide the help and support they’re requiring

And at no point did you think ‘ugh this person is such a burden’ i mean maybe you have if it’s someone venting about the same thing over and over again, so take that scenario and put it to the side

Because that’s not what I’m talking about here

When a friend comes to you and opens up about something troubling them you walk away thinking you’re so glad they came to you, dare I say it even deepened your relationship

Because they shouldn’t have to deal with their problems on their own

Yet when the tables get turned you freeze up and think ‘couldn’t be me’

And I get it, we’ve determined for ourselves that asking for help means you’re weak, incapable, or you don’t have your shit together

It’s also a pride thing

Where we’re an adult, we’re supposed to be self sufficient 

Yet with every year that passes, we still try to search out the real adult in the room, because there’s no way in hell that we’re an adult yet

Your pride gets in the way because for some reason we view the help as failure

That we weren’t smart enough, capable enough, or put together enough to do it on our own

Again, even though none of those thoughts come up when someone comes to you for help.. Which i keep repeating because I want to keep reminding you that it is indeed okay and highly encouraged to ask for help

Which brings me to the most helpful part of this episode: how to ask for help when you know you need it but don’t want to ask for it

The very first thing you should do is get really clear on the kind of help you’re asking for

Is it a favor, emotional support, advice, for someone to be a listening ear

There are so many different types of help you can receive so you need to know what you’re looking for based on the situation at hand

A lot of times we freeze up when it’s time to ask for help because we don’t actually know what we’re looking for

Secondly, figure out who the right person is that can help you

That way you’re not airing out your dirty laundry to someone who doesn’t want it or can’t help you with it

Like how you wouldn’t talk to your boss about your relationship going south 

Or you wouldn’t go to your friend who is a big spender on how to save money

Getting specific about who you’re asking makes the ask less scary because you’re staying in your lane with that person

And then once you’ve identified all that for yourself, my next piece of advice for you is to start small

Instead of diving right off the deep end as to what’s going wrong in your career, start small like asking someone in your network to review your resume

Or your roommate to help you carry some groceries in

Or your friend to give you a dinner recommendation

Tip toe into the bigger asks

Because remember, just like what I say in my Tedx talk, vulnerability is a muscle

It takes time to build that up

Just like how you wouldn’t walk into the gym on day one and lift 100 pounds

No, you’re going to hurt yourself

You’re going to start with 5lbs and master the movement, feel comfortable and then test your strength a little more the next time

Your emotions work the same way

You’re getting your reps in, these reps are just for your nervous system

And as they get stronger, you get closer to the bigger asks

So after you’ve identified the kind of help you’re looking for and have worked your way up to your bigger ask, you then need to narrow in on what you’re wanting help with

Different from the kind of help

For example, instead of saying you need help figuring out your entire life, think about one area

Maybe it’s your career and then what part of your career? Is it your resume, your direction, your job specifically, your schedule?

When you stay vague, it makes it a lot harder to ask for help

The more specific you get, the less room there is for your brain to talk you out of asking in the first place

Oh something I should’ve noted earlier, is when you figure out who you want to ask, you need to then ask if the person on the receiving end has the capacity to help you

If they are not in a place to help you, because they are dealing with their own life, then know that is not a reflection on you and more about how much extra capacity they are able to share

It is not your job to determine that for them

But it is your job to ask if you can ask them for help

If your ask really is too much for them, they will tell you. Let them have that agency instead of assuming it for them and staying quiet

They are an adult and can decide for themselves

Just don’t get caught in the loop of deciding for them, since I know you’ll say no for them and essentially pre-reject yourself 

Because the last thing when it comes to working up the courage to ask for help is to know what to do when someone says no

There is a good chance you’re not going to get a yes every time you ask

People are busy, they have their own lives too, and sometimes that means they are not available to help you right here, right now

It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of help or that it was shameful for you to ask for it, it just means in order for them to be there for you, they need to get their ducks in a row first

AND if that first person says no, it doesn’t mean there is no help available to you

Reset and ask someone else 

Because the help is out there, just ease yourself into finding what you’re looking for and who is best equipped to help you

While also know that this is what coaches are made for, so if you’re afraid to ask your family, friends, or coworkers, I got your back and am the perfect person to help you with anything that comes with being in your twenties

The link to chat with me is always in the show notes for you to access

So on that note, if you liked what you heard, learned something new, are more ready to ask for help, or know someone who needs to hear this then please share this episode

Send it to a friend, post it to your story, give me a 5 star rating, just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

See.. i ask for help at the end of every episode

Anyways, as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode