What it means to be the strong friend

Alright, this episode of how to twenty-something goes out to all of you who are considered to be the strong friend and honestly it’s for those of you who have a strong friend and how you can check in on them plus why you absolutely need to begin doing so

It might not come to a surprise to all of you, especially because it’s kind of part of the territory with the work I do as life coach, but I am the strong friend

Before I begin describing the strong friend, I do want to make it very clear that the opposite of the strong friend is not, emphasis on the not, the weak friend

If you’re listening and thinking, I know I’m not the strong friend, then you are probably the friend that can express emotions a bit easier, which is something the strong friend could learn

You’re the friend that trusts easier, shows vulnerability easier, and has more of an open heart to let people in

Not everyone is a strong friend and most strong friends weren’t born this way.. It’s a characteristic that was formed over time through a lot of tough challenges they’ve had to overcome

The strong friend probably experienced a lot of hardships and was forced into the position and now they build walls to protect themselves from feeling that level of hurt again

Consider yourself fortunate if you are not the strong friend as you are probably more forgiving and open to life

But I’m creating this episode as a strong friend to help other strong friends understand themselves better and for the friends of the strong friends to understand their friend a bit better

Now, every group has the strong friend, this is the person you can count on and come to for anything and if it’s not you then you can probably think of the person who fills that role in your life

The strong friend is the person you don’t really ever see break down, is referred to A LOT by how much strength and courage they have when pursuing something in their life or when going through something

The strong friend is who you can depend on and look towards when the world has abrupt in chaos, they are the person who maintains a level head and emotion free perspective and is the supportive person in your life

They’ll typically give you judgment free advice, whether you want to hear it or not, and also create this safe place for you, the friend of the strong friend, to break down

The problem is, as the strong friend it becomes really hard to be able to turn to anyone because we’re this indestructible human in their eyes.. and we subconsciously believe that we have to fight our battles alone

That somehow it’s okay for other people to rely on us, but it is not okay to return the favor and rely back on them

Maybe somewhere within us is the belief that to break down is to be weak and when you show people the vulnerable side to you your reputation of being strong goes down the drain; that it’s okay for other people to break down but that doesn’t apply in the same retrospect to you

Even though it actually makes you stronger to show the weakest parts of you, with the right people of course

Because not everyone needs to see all sides of you

I actually had a conversation about walls with a client not too long ago and we talked about the negative connotation of putting up walls to which I reassured her that walls are our protection and not everyone has earned a ticket to the inside, so it’s okay if there are only a handful of people that see that side

It’s the people who have your back and truly see you for you and not some persona of who they think you are

But as the strong friend it can be extremely difficult to break down your walls for anyone, therefore making it extremely difficult for the strong friend to seek out help and support

And something I’ve experienced over this last year is that anytime I’ve tried to extend my hand out for someone to help me up when I was down, I was reassured with praise of how strong I am and amazing and incredible and that’s just not what I was looking for

Sometime we just need you to be with us, give us a place to lean on because most of the time everyone else uses us as the support system and we’re tired

The big question is who becomes the strong friend’s support when their world feels like it’s crumbling down

But I guess this episode is split in two because it’s for the strong friend listening and it’s for the friend of the strong friend listening

I want to start with my message to the strong friend, the friend who downplays their own struggles, maybe even makes a joke about what’s going wrong in their life or minimizes their hardships

The friend who is seen as the positive beacon of light and is the source of motivation and encouragement to those around them

The friend who is the emotional and mental support system for all of their friends and maybe even some family members

What I want to say to you as the strong friend who is listening is it’s okay to feel quote unquote weak, it’s okay to scream and cry, it’s okay to not be so strong all the time, you’re allowed to breakdown and not be so positive, you’re allowed to not be a support system for once in your life, and you’re allowed to reach out for the help you need 

I know it’s hard to have someone else see you breakdown because it means your guard is down, your walls are thin, you feel exposed and you are being vulnerable

Which is ironic because being strong also means being brave and vulnerability is very very brave

Yet it feels nearly impossible to be vulnerable and to cry to friends who really only want to see you be happy and who know you as having the reputation of being so happy and positive

It’s a quiet pressure that is put on us to persevere through the toughest of times

The message of if anyone can get through this bump in the road it’s you

And like yes, we know if anyone can get through this it’s us, but it’s also really fucking hard especially when it feels ike there isn’t anyone to turn to

And I can tell you right now, there’s a very small handful of people who I have ever cried in front of because it’s not a fun feeling to open up, especially if you don’t feel safe to do so as in the friends you have are pretty new to your life

Most of my tears are shed in my apartment when I’m all alone, I honestly just think of abby lee miller from dance moms when she says save your tears for the pillow

Because that’s exactly what I do, but being alone is also a time when I can confront my emotions and not feel as though I need to put on this facade of I’m fine

One of the biggest challenges we face as the strong friend is opening up to those around us, and it becomes increasingly more difficult as we move to new cities, we form new friendships, and we have different circles of people that we have yet to establish that level of a relationship with 

These people, regardless of how incredible they are, are too new for you to show this vulnerable side to

And we can also add in the question of when is it appropriate to introduce a new friend to some of your sorrows and struggles? 

As the strong friend listening, you’re probably thinking a long ass time

From one strong friend to another, I get it, it’s why I have a therapist and a life coach

You need to build up your support system and that doesn’t always consist of friends because that’s not where you feel comfortable opening up

Whether because you don’t have a close knit friend where you live yet, you don’t feel comfortable bothering other people with your own issues, or you want to subconsciously uphold your reputation as the strong friend, or some variation of all three

Being the strong friend is a title and we wear it with a badge of honor, but sometimes it limits us from establishing deeper relationships with the people around us

It’s as though we have been assigned this role and showing the other side of our life would mean breaking character which could then result in not feeling needed anymore

Like if you’re not presenting as the strong friend that can provide this support, then why would anyone need you

You see there are so many limiting beliefs that come with being this type of friend

And we’ll continue to write these stories which only drives us further from our emotions and from relying on other people to help us up when we’re the ones feeling down

A few months ago, I was having a depressive episode and obviously was not reaching out to anyone because I didn’t want to be a bother, when I received a text message from a friend literally asking me to be there for her as she’s about to go through a rough time and I responded with absolutely I will be there for you

Yet here I was in tears with my own issues and not turning to anyone else for help, or when I would I would say something in more of a passive way like I’m not having a very fun time right now

Rather than hey I’m really fucking depressed and I need help

Because then the story also starts with if I told this friend how much I was struggling that she wouldn’t be able to come to me for the support she needed

And that’s the thing with us strong friends, we will shut off our own emotions and put our own sorrows to the side to be there for you

We mainly want to be there for you because we know how it feels to not have someone be there for us – and that is not a fun place to be

So hopefully now you are beginning to understand what’s going on in your strong friend’s mind and maybe this validated exactly how you feel if you are the strong friend listening

I do want to say that if you haven’t seen your strong friend in a while, you need to go check on them because they will not come to you, if I haven’t made that message clear enough for you by now

But let’s switch to how you can be there for your strong friend and that begins with stop asking them how are you because we will lie or if we’re not lying to you we’re not going to give you the whole truth

I was deep in my feels in the middle of the summer and when that happens I start writing so I’m going to share with you what was going on in my mind after receiving so many questions along the lines of how are you

Again I wrote this several months ago which is why I can read it to you now

It went like this: how are you, or how have you been? That’s how it starts, because the appropriate response or the one they are expecting is ‘fine’ or ‘good’ but if I were to give that response I would feel shitty for lying because the truth is I’m not fine, I’m not good

If only you could see how much I’m suffering internally, how this deep pit of sadness is anchoring me to my apartment, how my disappearance has gone unnoticed

Stop asking me how I’m doing if you’re not prepared for the answer to not be mundane, surface level, or joyous

What I really want to say is I’m lonely, depressed, invisible, stressed

What I really want to say is I’m lost, not with who I am, but with where I stand

What I really want to say is I need help. But whenever I seek the help I need I get reminded of how strong I am and amazing and special

When what I really need is support, inclusion, and validation, so please stop asking me how I’ve been and start asking me ‘how can I help you?’

Again I’m going to remind you that this was from the summer and now we are in winter and I’ve sought out the help I need

But me presenting this with you is to give you a glimpse as to what is going on in the mind of the strong friend, when they aren’t feeling very strong yet no one thinks to check in on them because they don’t present any differently on the outside

Become hyper aware around them because they will drop subtle hints and just hope you pick up on some of the cues even knowing you probably won’t

If any of my friends listening were to reflect back on anytime they’ve asked me how things have been going over the last several months my response, almost every time, has been it’s been going

Because I can’t tell you it’s shitty, with again not wanting to burden you with my unhappiness with the belief that my sad feelings will taint your pretty life, or I can’t tell you it’s shitty because I don’t actually believe you want to know the truth and you’re asking me how I am as a formality

So we carry on, we suffer in silence, or outsource to professionals that aren’t our friends 

Your strong friend needs you and that starts with your awareness towards them, their slight changes in behavior or indirect responses

Because they will not come to you with their emotions in the same way you come to them

Telling them they can come to you is not enough.. You have to dig at them a little until they let you in which will take a lot of time and patience

Being the strong friend is tough, being the friend of the strong friend might be even tougher

But you guys balance each other out when you understand what is going on in the other person’s mind

Hence the inspiration for me to create this episode

There are some ways you, the friend of the strong friend, can help your strong friend feel a little less on alert and a little more comfortable with their feelings

You can acknowledge their strengths, highlight the attributes that you love about who they are, not just what they do for others, while also reminding them that you fully accept all parts of them – the vulnerable and emotional sides too

As I’ve already mentioned, don’t just ask how they are doing.. Express genuine interest, ask detailed questions of things they’ve mentioned to you in the recent past, if you keep it to surface level questions, then they are going to respond with surface level answers

Remember we have thick skulls, we don’t like letting people in

Take the initiative and offer help and support without them having to ask it of you – honestly I feel like this is being a good friend in general

But, also respect their boundaries and know that they are used to coping with just themselves as that is what built their strength in the first place

Give them the space they need and don’t worry they will clearly set the boundary they are asking for since their boundaries protect them the best

But most importantly, be patient with them, don’t give up on your friend who refuses to break down walls in front of you

As the strong friend we learned through various experiences that expressing emotions is wrong and unsafe, it’s why we choose to self soothe rather than seek external help

We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and experiences, and know that that means we will handle the same situation in two very different ways and that’s okay

Our differences is what makes us who we are, the world would be so boring if we were all the same, it honestly reminds me of this fairly odd parents episode when timmy turner asked for everyone to be exactly the same and the whole cartoon world turned into gray blobs

I had to end this episode on a lighter note because this is a tough topic, but hopefully now you understand why you are the way you are as the strong friend and how to be a friend to the strong friend

If you’re the strong friend who’s listening, please reach out to me as I would love to be your life coach support system

If you’re the friend of the strong friend and have questions on how to handle your strong friend’s stubbornness and closed-offness then please reach out to me

My information is always in the show notes

And if you liked what you heard please rate the show, share it with your friends, post in social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do

Otherwise this concludes another episode of How to twenty-something and I’ll be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode