When everyone is hanging out without you

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s solo topic is one that definitely hits home for me and I know I’m not alone when it comes to the feeling that everyone is hanging out without you

And it’s probably not even a feeling, but a fact

Where you can string multiple weekends in a row where no one is inviting you to hang out, maybe you’re the one doing all of the initiating, or the worst one of all: you literally see the people or person you used to regularly have plans with on the weekends hanging out together or with other people and your phone remains silent

Where you can’t help but wonder if they’re mad at you, if you did something wrong, if you’re even friends anymore

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times these thoughts have crossed my mind, these realities have played out, and the friends I’ve lost along the way out of consistently being excluded

I don’t know about you, but I am not someone who is going to beg another person to hang out with me

I very much receive the message that if you’re not equally initiating plans, or making the effort to coordinate schedules, or if i see you consistently hanging out without me, then you clearly don’t value our friendship in the way I do or want to be friends with me

It’s not in a jealousy kind of way, it’s feeling like you’re not being prioritized in this person’s life, that they don’t care about you enough to think to include you or or want to spend time with you

It makes you feel like you’re a last resort friend

And that is a pretty shitty feeling to have

So if you’re listening to this and you’re either the person who sees everyone hanging out without you, you’re not alone, or if you have some level of self awareness and you can recognize that you’re the person who is like damn I haven’t done any initiating with someone i consider a friend, then step up because you’re being a pretty sucky friend

When you’re on the side of being left out your brain is going to be your absolute worst enemy 

Trust me… the stories your brain is coming up with are highlighting your biggest insecurities and sending you into a spiral of sorrow and resentment

Our brains love to fill in gaps based on what it knows, so if you’ve experienced this feeling before, in any way shape or form, then your belief systems are going to stream in and make you feel worse as it works to fill in those missing gaps as to why someone isn’t making plans with you/ is making plans without you

So today’s episode is to help you through this period of friendships when everyone is hanging out without you

I’m going to walk you through three things:

1. Why being left out hits so hard in your twenties

    

2. The difference between being excluded and just not being included

    

3. What to actually do—both emotionally and practically—when it happens.

Let’s start with the thoughts that flood your brain when you see a social media story or post, or when you are finally with these friends and they bring up what they did together, and therefore without you, or if you happen to see them with your own eyes out and about and your invitation got lost in the mail

You immediately think something along the lines of – I’m not fun enough or important enough, i’m annoying, they don’t like me, they’re mad at me, they’re not good friends, i’m not a good friend

Insert any of your own thoughts because these are a lot of mine that I know only send me further into my spiral where I’ll start crying, feelings of depression will start to creep in, and at the same time I’m pissed

But remember, social media is not your friend when you’re feeling down about yourself

It’s not serving as the numbing distraction that you’re expecting it to, but rather enhancing your already spiraling, negative thoughts

Social media is like reading the first and last page of a book and then you are left to guess what happens in the middle

You’re almost never going to be correct as to how you got from point a to point z

I know a lot of my thoughts stem from my best friend breakup because of how traumatic that was for me with how everything went down

So if you’ve ever experienced this in friendships before and it didn’t end happily, then your brain is working overtime to protect you from falling for the same trap

And that’s where your negative thoughts shine through.. Your brain is trying to protect you from getting hurt but what’s most likely happening instead is you’re hurting your own feelings

In the moment, there is not single glimpse of seeing the good in the situation at this point because you want to have plans and friends and just when you think you made some, they go off without you

It’s not to say this other person can’t have a life without you, but it is heartbreaking to feel like you’re the one doing all the work to keep in touch and see one another when that probably wasn’t always the case

If that was always the case, then allow me to be the one to tell you that you are in a one-sided friendship and you deserve to be treated better than that so go find some new friends who will include you from the get go

As i’m planning this episode out, which is about 8 weeks ahead of schedule since I have some trips through the end of the summer, i’m dealing with this with my best friend, which is what inspired this episode

And since I dealt with this feeling with my ex-best friend, you can bet your booty that I’m not handling this current wave of feeling left out well at all because the traumatic center of my brain is screaming at me that this is all going to happen again

This is where learning how to communicate comes in really really handy.. Which I’ll get to later in this episode 

Before I go into that, I want to break down this feeling of being left out because there is a difference between being excluded and not being included

They feel the same, because the result is the same: you’re sitting alone at home and your friends are out having fun and making memories

But the intent is different

My ex best friend was excluding me, my current best friend isn’t including me

My ex-best friend was upset with me, unbeknownst to me, and instead of communicating he purposely started making plans and group chats without me in it

So after a year of living in the same city and being included in everything, it all suddenly came to a halt

We had the same group of friends, he was the planner of the group and everyone else just went along with whatever he planned

So if you weren’t put in the group chat, you didn’t know what was going on

My current best friend has other friends and we don’t typically hang out in groups, so prioritizing one another within our schedules is important otherwise we’ll go several weeks to a month without seeing one another

And my love language is quality time so when we don’t spend time together my resentment builds when minor things happen

My previous story also builds that she isn’t making time for me because she doesn’t care about our friendship as much as I do or want to continue this friendship 

These are all things I can recognize so I proposed solutions to feeling out of the loop and unimportant and that is if we don’t have plans to see one another for the week then we would hop on a phone call and debrief the latest news of our lives

But having no plans or no one inviting you somewhere feels pretty shitty especially if it wasn’t previously that way

With my current best friend, hanging out used to be really easy and then she moved to a different part of town and got into a relationship and it’s gotten harder and harder to make plans

… With me

Again, this doesn’t help the stories in my brain from spiraling

And it’s not even like she moved that much further away she went from being 2.5 miles away to being 5.5 miles away

So it’s on me to communicate these feelings and see if there’s any way I can be a better friend in her eyes too

Relationships are a two way street and even if it feels like the other person is 100% in the wrong, there’s a chance something is coming from somewhere on your end 

So having an open and honest and, yes vulnerable, conversation about where you stand in each other’s eyes is important for the health of the relationship

Because for me, it appears that she has no issues making plans with other people as i see on social media

Which brings me to another point, social media is your worst enemy if you’re already spiraling or feeling insecure 

Remember those gaps our brains try to fill in?

Yeah seeing a post, a tiktok, a story, is only going to create more gaps for even more stories to enter

And you’re going to be left by yourself throwing a pity party and building up resentment, which will make communication a lot more difficult as more emotions take over

This is where I like to say, stick to the facts

What do you know for a fact is true about this scenario, about what you’re seeing on social media and about what you know about your friendship

You know that your friend has plans

You know that you weren’t included in these plans

And that’s really it, you don’t know, unless you specifically ask, if they didn’t want you around, if they needed a break from you, if they don’t want to be friends with you anymore, or the positive sides that your brain is most definitely not thinking of like if they were invited somewhere by someone else and their weekend is full, where they want to see you but there aren’t enough hours in the day etc etc

And if you want to know why you weren’t included, or if you want to be included next time, or you just want to see your freaking friend, then you need to step up and take initiative

If it feels like you’re constantly the one taking the initiative in the friendship, then you need to communicate how you feel and what you want

Not what the other person is or isn’t doing, keep the focus on you and then present a solution

And if things don’t change, if the effort doesn’t feel there even after you’ve expressed what a good friendship looks like for you then you probably need to re-evaluate your friendship with this person

When I approached my best friend about feeling like I was being put on the back burner of her life I phrased it as I said a few moments ago that I noticed when we go a few weeks with not seeing one another it seems like texts get misinterpreted and resentment builds and then I proposed my solution

In this conversation I was able to explain what was going on in my brain based on my own trauma

Not in a way that made her accountable for my own experiences but to make her more aware as to what my triggers are

And by opening the door of vulnerability she was able to bring up something that triggered her that didn’t even cross my mind

We were able to hear one another out and apologize for activating each other’s trauma responses unbeknownst to us

Now, has she initiated any additional plans to have one on one time.. Not yet, no and that’s definitely something that still pulls on my heart strings but in her defense we spent 2 weeks of august tag teaming who was in charlotte where I went away then she left the day before I got back and then I left the day she got back

And that is the epitome of adult friendships

It can be really difficult to schedule in one on one friend time even if it once felt really easy

So if there is one key piece of information that I want you to takeaway from this episode it’s that when it seems like everyone is hanging out without you, there is a solid chance it’s not actually about you

I’m not saying zero chance, but give you friend the benefit of the doubt and then express how you’re feeling in your friendship with them by proposing a solution as to how you can stay connected to keep the relationship strong

Another important note is to keep making friends… my friends are all busy and I’m also busy, so the more friends you do have the more options you have for plans and chances of being invited somewhere

As a fellow introvert I LOATHE creating plans, but if I have a weekend with nothing going on, it’s on me to  change that and not wait for someone to include me

Because I’ve learned that when I wait I become more upset with the lack of invitation as they continue to live their lives

So when it feels like everyone is hanging out without you, either speak up or create your own plans

But I get it, feeling left out is awful. It hits you in your chest, in the pit of your stomach, and sometimes all the way down into your bones. 

It’s not just about missing a hangout; it’s about what your brain makes that hangout mean about you.

It makes you want to hide out from everyone when what you really need to be doing is filling your life with more people and experiences so you’re not left to your own spiraling thoughts

But before you let that story spiral, here’s what I want you to remember:

One: Stick to the facts you actually know. Not the theories, not the imagined conversations, not the “they must hate me” thoughts. The actual hard facts.

Two: Your worth is not defined by whether someone included you in their Saturday night plans. You bring value just by being you—and you don’t need an invite to prove it.

Three: If it’s a one-time thing, let it pass. If it’s a pattern, communicate. Ask for what you need in the friendship instead of silently collecting resentment.

Four: Social media is a highlight reel, not a friendship status report. What you see is never the full picture but a snapshot into a story.

And five: Remember, initiation isn’t desperation—it’s leadership. If you want connection, create it. Send the text. Plan the brunch. Invite someone into your world.

Friendships are living things.. they shift, they stretch, they go through seasons. And sometimes, the season you’re in means you see less of certain people and more of others. 

That’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s just life doing what it does and the cycle your friendship is in

It does not mean your friendship is over

So if you’re in that space right now where you feel like everyone’s hanging out without you.. take a deep breath. You’re not alone, this feeling is felt by everyone at one point or another and it’s not just going to happen once in your life and that’s it.

But know that the right people, the ones who value you, will make space for you in their lives it just might not look the same the whole time

And on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something. If you liked what you heard, related to feeling left out, or know someone who feels this way in their city then please share this episode

Send it to someone you know or post it to social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do, but seriously help me help all of the twenty-somethings in this world

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode