Being a good friend in your twenties

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today I’m going to help you be a good friend

We are all very aware as to how difficult it is to make friends in your twenties… people move, change jobs, get into and out of relationships, build other communities.. All of which makes friendships a challenge to keep up with regularly

But what no one really breaks down for you is how you can be a good friend to others and continue to build a healthy friendship that will last

This is something I’ve personally struggled with, but more so under the umbrella of being afraid I’m not a good friend

And it takes a lot of reminders when I’m feeling down about some of the close friendships I have made that haven’t worked out well long term or aren’t showing up in the way I want them to, to be like no i am a good friend

I do care about my friends, I pour into my friendships, it’s when I don’t feel my cup being refilled that I suffer the mental hurdle of what did I do wrong

Is it me? Am I being a bad friend? Am I asking for too much, being too needy, not doing enough for them?

And I really have to take a step back and look at the patterns of this particular friendship

To which I’ll see that I’ve done all of the initiating and planning for our hangouts, that the other person only says yes when it’s convenient for them

When it’s something they want to do and in close proximity to them

I’ll see that I’ve initiated conversations about feeling out of the loop of their life or this friendship feeling one sided or only out of convenience, I’ve proposed solutions like regular phone calls, more quality time 

I’ve initiated these phone calls and it’s when I’m getting denied over a schedule conflict that I start to go down my other rabbit hole that they’re not a good friend or they don’t want to be friends with me and that’s a reflection on me

When it’s not

I know i’m a good friend

I know I care a lot about my friendships and am consistent in the level of care I put into them

And I know that a lot of people are just shitty at being friends and within that just shitty at communicating where they’re at in their life and how it’ll impact the friendship 

So I want to make sure you don’t fall under that category of being a shitty friend with the hopes that you find your people who are also good at being a friend just like how I work to achieve the same thing for myself 

And that begins with consistent and effective communication 

Not in the way where you should be texting or calling one another regularly, but rather the words you are saying (or aren’t saying)

I’ll take initiating plans as an example because this is something that really affects me

If someone goes to initiate plans with you, one I need you to recognize that that takes guts to do

Regardless of whether or not this is a new friendship. As a fellow introvert and someone with low rejection resilience and high social anxiety, any time I ask someone for plans I feel like I’m putting my heart on the line and how someone responds will directly affect how I think you feel about me and our friendship

It’s something I know I’m not alone on

My social anxiety decreases when the relationship is more reciprocal but if we are sporadically hanging out you can guarantee that I’m anxious to ask if you’re free to see me

It stems from a deeper level of embarrassment if they respond with being busy and then they’ll know I have nothing going on in my own life

When I know that’s not what they’re thinking at all, my inner voice can convince me otherwise and it’s my responsibility to take care of my thoughts

However, this does bring me to my second point… which is your response matters

If this is someone you do care about and do want to see but are unavailable or simply don’t want to go, responding with I can’t I’m busy or I can’t I’m busy but let’s hang out sometime soon are big no no’s

The underlying message you’re sending, whether you intend to send this  message or not, is I don’t want to hang out with you, i don’t prioritize you in my life

This is where I see so many of you go wrong and it’s because you simply haven’t thought about how the other person could receive this text

Aka you are being a bad friend for not thinking of the effects your message has on this other person.. Even if you don’t mean to be rude or distant

Because you actually do like this person and would like to hang out with them but you can’t make this particular occasion

If that’s the case, then you definitely need to practice responding with something along the lines of: I can’t, I’m busy, but what are you doing next week? I’d love to see you.

And you can fill in next week with tomorrow or next month or some other definitive timeframe that does work for you rather than saying sometime soon

Because that shows the other person that you are making the effort that it’s just this one thing you can’t make but you do really want to see them and you do value them as a friend

Even if you can’t make plans for the next two months which is bound to happen in adult friendships

You don’t have to explain your whole life story as to why you can’t make this particular event, that’s not as important as initiating plans back because you can’t make the one that was initiated to you

It’s called reciprocity 

Friendships fail when there is no reciprocity

Not in a way where you’re keeping score of I initiated three times in the last month and they’ve initiated once

It’s simply knowing when something feels one-sided when there is no effort being put in by the other person at all

While making sure you’re not that person either

Being a good friend really isn’t all that hard, you just need to wake up and get out of your own life for a second to think about this person you allegedly care about 

Because you’re allowed to say no to things, you’re allowed to set boundaries, you’re allowed to hang out with other people or spend time by yourself.. it’s how you follow up with that no that determines whether you’re being a good friend or not

It’s a simple communication hack that could make or break your friendships

It’s the clear difference between keeping a friendship healthy and strong versus weak and fragile and is such an easy fix

The next way you can make sure you’re being a good friend is by asking questions

Try to listen more than you speak.. This is definitely something I tend to struggle with because I’d say more times than not there is a lot going on in my life

I mean I am a podcaster, I am a routined yapper

So one way for me to make sure I listen more is by listening first

I try to immediately start the conversation with a question about my friend’s life

If my friend beats me to it well it shows they’re also a good friend, but then I sometimes forget to ask them questions afterwards which is something I am actively working on

And it’s also making sure you’re not trying to fix anything or pass judgement, but giving your friend a place to be, to vent, to laugh, to cry based on what they talk to you about

That could letting a friend vent to you about their relationship and all you hear are the shitty sides of who they’re dating, while also letting them celebrate the happy moments without bringing up past issues that’s been shared

So asking questions and listening to the answers and then asking followup questions are all solid ways to being a good friend

Even following up with them via text, phone call, or the next time you see them about the things they previously brought up

If you have a bad memory, then take notes.. I’m being serious.. Make a note of the conversations you had with this friend so you can remember to ask them about it at a later date and provide details

Remembering things like names, dates, activities, instead of just saying how was that thing you were working on last tuesday

Versus how was your presentation with Patricia last Tuesday.. The details show you listen and you care and want to know how it turned out

Another sign of being a good friend is showing up… I know I have friends that will show up when it really matters which is definitely important, but I personally find that I need friendships for when they want to show up regardless of how good or bad my life is doing.. Or show up even when they don’t want to show up

For those in between mundane, run errands, do an activity, sit on the couch moments

Meaning, I also want to be that friend for others

Because it’s important to remember that whatever qualities you’re searching for when deciding whether or not someone is a good friend means you should also be working to possess those exact same qualities

Maybe for you the little moments don’t matter, it’s the big accomplishments or downfalls that matter and you couldn’t care less about the other times

For me that’s not the case

I’m actually someone who finds it easier to be there for friends when they are struggling, when they lose a job, are stressed about a situation, going through a break up

Maybe those heavier moments don’t come easier to you like they do to me and you need to work on providing a safe place for your friend to be down

But I think it’s just as important to be there for the little everyday things and it’s something I definitely am trying to work on for myself.. The thinking of you texts, the good luck with your first day, the how was your date

The tinier moments that don’t feel as important or you don’t feel the need to check in with them because in your mind they’re doing well

It’s depositing little tickets of love into their box

But you really never know what’s going on for someone deep down and the support they need by knowing they have someone in their corner

So it’s both.. Being a good friend is being there when you can

Again taking your own capacity into consideration and then looping back to your communication skills.. It’s being able to communicate where you are at from a capacity standpoint

How you would love to be there for your friend, but you need to take care of xyz first

Something I’ve been struggling with recently is realizing I have made friends with people who pour into you at first and then when they’ve deemed your friendship to be good and doesn’t require the same level of care as before, they pull back and move on to someone else

Which is fine if that’s how they operate in their friendships, but that is not a friendship I care to have around me because that’s not the way I operate

And it actually hurts more to have you show up consistently for an entire year in one particular way and then suddenly drop off with no warning, explanation, or communication

The tougher part is that’s hard if not nearly impossible to predict with a friend unless you really dig into their other friendships in terms of longevity and frequency 

Another sign you’re a good friend is by being reliable so it’s showing up on time to set plans, staying true to your word, not being a flake for when you say you’ll call, check in, or show up

Good friends never fully disappear, good friends also notice when their friend wants to fully disappear or does fully disappear

It’s how I knew I really didn’t have good friends in my corner when I went through my friendship breakup back in 2023 and went into full hibernation depression mode and not a single person checked in on me

Wondered where I was

How I was doing knowing I just lost my best friend of 8 years

To be loved is to be seen and when you feel invisible, when you feel like you could pack up all of your belongings and move across the country and not a soul would notice you left.. That sucks

That’s when you feel the most alone

And it’s also how you know what it means to be a good friend

Presence matters.. Even if it makes you uncomfortable to be present 

Communication matters.. Even it makes you uncomfortable to communicate

It takes 5s to respond to someone and let them know you care about them but you’re dealing with your own shit right now but will call this weekend when you have a little more down time

You don’t need to drain yourself to be there for your friends, but you do need to communicate where you are so they still feel seen and heard even without you being there for them in that moment

And if even that is too much for you to handle then i’m going to be blunt here for a second, but you don’t deserve friendships

You need to work on yourself first and then let other people in your life because friendships do require work and effort and the other person deserves to be respected in such a way

I don’t think anyone is unworthy of good friendships, but I do think that you need help with your people skills and diving into how you relate to other people before you go out and try to meet more people to potentially befriend

To have good friends is to be a good friend and to know what you’re looking for in a friend

Is it someone who makes sure they’re in town for your birthday

Is it someone who wishes you good luck before a big presentation

Is it someone who is cheering on your craziest dreams because they believe in you

Is it someone who let’s you vent about anything and everything without passing judgement

Is is someone who randomly asks how your week is going

Is it someone who respects your boundaries, your social battery, and who remembers the little details of your life

Notice what you want from your friendships and how you’re currently showing up in those same ways… that’s what it means to be a good friend

Friendships are messy, complicated, and constantly changing, but being a good friend should remain just about the same through and through

So if after listening to this episode you’ve decided that you are a good friend, then that’s great, if after listening to this episode you’ve realized there are places for you to work on, then that’s also great and let’s get to work

The world needs more good friends, because lord knows I would not be making this episode if I didn’t across my own shitty friendship moments

It’s time to do better

And on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, if you realized you need to make better friends, that you need to be a better friend, or that you’re filled with good friends and you are a good friend then please share this episode to other people in their twenties… post it on your story just do something to help me expand my reach and my audience so that I can help all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode