Get specific about who you want to be and what you’ll accept, then communicate boundaries clearly instead of assuming people will pick up on a mood shift. Expect pushback, especially from people used to you not having boundaries… that resistance doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means the boundary is new.

Jess Diamond (00:02.308)
Welcome back to another episode of How to 20 something, where today’s episode invites on a guest to discuss the power of self-defense. Not to be all negative, but we live in a scary world where it’s not safe to walk home alone, where you have to wait a few minutes to turn on your lights in case someone is watching you, where as a woman, we would much rather choose the bear. And there are so many different types of threats that we encounter, regardless of gender too, from gun violence to physical abuse to…

emotional warfare, which is why developing practical self-defense practices is crucial to your safety. That being said, and we will definitely be diving deeper into this subject, self-defense goes far beyond your physical body, but the mental strength, the quick thinking, and the feeling of empowerment, all leads to your confidence in your capabilities with protecting yourself. And it is my hope that by the end of today’s episode,

you’ll feel a little bit better in how you can protect yourself and your peace and how to use the strategies discussed today to your advantage. But before we dive into all of that, I’m going to introduce who you will be listening to today. Elisha is a lifelong martial artist and self-defense instructor with a fourth Dan Black Belt in Taekwondo and a first Dan Black Belt in Hapkido. She founded Pretty Hands Hard Punches to empower women by teaching practical self-defense

recognizing red flags and setting boundaries. Drawing from her personal journey of overcoming abuse, Elisha inspires others to build resilience and confidence. A sought after speaker, she is passionate about sharing insights on self-defense, empowerment and personal growth. Hi Elisha and welcome to How to 20 something.

Elicia Ybarra (01:47.224)
Hi, thank you so much for having me.

Jess Diamond (01:49.818)
Yes, I’m glad we could connect. I’m excited to have you on and hear what you have to say because I’ll be honest, I’ve never taken a self-defense class. I’ve never even owned a thing of pepper spray and I very much have and it won’t happen to me mentality, which I know is not great, but I also know I’m not alone in that boat. So I really can’t wait to learn from your expertise as a self-defense instructor and how to apply the physicality with the mentality.

aspect of it all. So tell me what inspired you to get into women’s self-defense?

Elicia Ybarra (02:27.422)
Well, as a lifelong martial artist, I always had the physical capability of defending myself. I earned my black belt at a very young age. I was around 13 years old. I was a national sparring champion by the time I was like 11. So the physical aspect of self-defense was there.

But I faced a lot of abuse within the martial arts industry and throughout my early adolescence into adulthood because I didn’t know the other aspect of self-defense, which was protecting my mental and emotional space. I didn’t have boundaries. And I was taught within the martial arts industry that you don’t set those boundaries. You allow the person in charge to set them for you, which is usually a master or a grandmaster or an adult of some kind. When I was a teenager,

And so in my early 30s, when I was going through all of the trauma of having a child, going through postpartum depression, I realized that something had to change. And as I began making healthy changes within my life, setting boundaries, walking away from toxic people, one of the things I found solace in was by watching cult shows like The Vow and The Aftermath.

And I recognized that I identified with the victims a lot, which led me on a whole rabbit hole of the fact that I was also a victim, which became more of an obsession for a little while. And I decided that I had the practical skills to help young women learn how to physically defend themselves. But they also needed to learn how to do things like situational awareness, how to recognize red flags, because

The one thing that I have found in my whole journey of women’s self-defense is that it is much easier to defend yourself if you’re simply not there. And by doing things ahead of time, like recognizing red flags and abusive relationships, you simply are just not at the table. You’re not in the relationship. And that is kind of what inspired me to start teaching women, start telling my story so that I could inspire other women to learn how to set those boundaries for themselves.

Jess Diamond (04:40.284)
Yeah, I think unfortunately, a lot of women can relate to that story of being in some kind of abusive relationship. I know I’ve had my own fair share of different levels of abuse and it’s not fun. unfortunately, unfortunately, unfortunately is it you have to learn the boundaries or you tend to learn the boundaries after they’ve already been crossed. So.

What is it like working with you? How do you combine both the physical part of self defense as well as the mental part, the setting boundaries, the looking for red flags?

Elicia Ybarra (05:12.816)
So I teach what is called the Empowerment Self-Defense Model that was developed by the National Women’s Martial Arts Federation by women for women. And basically, instead of teaching just the physical practicality like you would learn at, a traditional martial arts school, I start with situational awareness. I teach you tools of how to recognize fear and how to use fear to your advantage instead of living a life in fear.

And then I teach you about how to escape the danger, how to use your language tone and your posture in order not to be one of the people that has chosen to be a victim. Because you don’t get to choose to be a victim, right? The perpetrator gets to choose you. And there are things that you can do, like having a strong language tone and posture that makes you less desirable to a perpetrator.

And then the fourth one is the fight. I teach you very easy to learn practical skills, something like a palm strike or how to do an eye gouge or where the sensitive parts to hit mainly men, right? That attack you sometimes women, but mainly it’s men that attack you what to do with that. And finally, I give you the empowerment of how to tell your own story, what to do if you want to press charges.

and how to handle that next step. A lot of times we are not taught or even think about what to do if we are attacked. Kind of like you said earlier, like, it’ll never happen to me. And then when it does, you’re already traumatized. You have no idea what to do. And the reality that we live in as women is that the judicial system is not here to protect you.

It may be here to hold people accountable, but that’s only if the police officers, the investigators, and the prosecution believes your story enough to investigate it enough to find the evidence, if the evidence is there. So we live in a society that doesn’t protect women. So we have to learn to protect ourselves. And the way that we do that is by understanding the dangerous red flags before we become the victims.

Jess Diamond (07:17.702)
And I think it’s even important to note that sometimes you’re not just attacked out of the blue. Sometimes it’s not when you’re walking home alone and someone comes up behind you and wants your purse or something like that. It could be someone you’re living with, could be your partner and you just don’t know. And those are scary things to think about, but it’s true. And there’s so many women that are in these vulnerable situations and they don’t realize it, or they don’t know how to get themselves out and protect themselves to get them to a safer place.

Elicia Ybarra (07:48.002)
Absolutely. And just to add to that really quick, 90 % of abuse or sexual assault is by someone you know. And it’s probably more than that, but conservatively, I’m going to say 90%. The majority of the time, if you are going to face abuse, you’re going to be sexually assaulted. It is not going to be by the stranger danger dude in the bushes that’s going to jump out and attack you. It’s going to be by

the guy friend that you love and trust that’s giving you a ride home that has you’ve told no three times and this time’s the time he’s not taking that no for an answer. So just so all of your listeners understand that it’s not the stranger danger that we teach the kids or that we were taught as kids. It is usually almost always somebody you know that’s going to attack you, that’s going to push those boundaries.

Jess Diamond (08:38.042)
Yeah, and we’re not here to fear monger. We don’t want to scare you of every man or any woman or any person you know to push them out of your life. It’s more of the what to look out for and that’s what this episode is designed for. It’s designed to help you feel empowered. So I wanna jump into something you mentioned about the work that you do is helping with situational awareness. I immediately think of I’m on a walk outside.

whatever time it may be, usually if it’s nighttime, I’m really good about not doing this, but I fall into the habit of being on my phone and like looking down and on my phone. So I’d say that’s the first thing that comes into my mind that I have. It forces me to develop a weak situational awareness to dangerous situations. But aside from putting a phone away, what are some techniques that someone can start to incorporate in their day to day life that will help them develop better situational awareness?

Elicia Ybarra (09:35.487)
That is such a great question because a lot of times we think of those that list of rules we were given as teenagers don’t have earphones in don’t run at night, don’t be on your phone, don’t be distracted, don’t wear clothes, right? I could list on and on. I think at one point I had like a list of 75 different rules we’re supposed to follow. But the reality is, is having confidence in yourself to trust your intuition. We are given the gift of fear.

We as human beings are gifted that when you feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up something’s wrong when you’re sitting in the car with somebody and you feel Automatically like you need to get out of that car and run and something’s going on. We have been taught by society not to Engage in that not to listen to it to go into our own mind and talk ourselves out of that fear for you know being hard to handle or

you know, bitchy or rude or bossy. But the reality is situational awareness is really rooted in having the awareness of your body and recognizing those feelings for what they are, which is fear. And like you said, we don’t want to fear monger, right? We would all want all the listeners to all of a sudden be running around with keys between their hands everywhere they go. But if you take a moment to relax yourself when you’re walking to your car.

and you can hear and you can feel and you recognize anything in your body that feels off. That is where you can really hone your situational awareness to recognize a dangerous situation when it’s happening and not feel like every situation is a dangerous situation.

Jess Diamond (11:15.324)
Yeah, I love that you said that. It reminds me of a time probably about a year ago. I was grocery shopping and I wasn’t, as you were saying, like our rules, I wasn’t wearing anything provocative. I wasn’t doing anything out of the norm. I wasn’t drawing attention to myself. I was grocery shopping and I was staring at the meats. I think the fish. And I was just looking at what I wanted to get. And all of a sudden this man comes up right next to me out of nowhere and starts to…

just look through the glass that I was looking at. So I moved my card away because I felt like it was blocking him and I didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t feel super comfortable but didn’t want to judge a book by his cover that he didn’t smell great. He didn’t look like he was well dressed or well groomed. And I just left that area and went to a completely opposite aisle in the store. And all of sudden he appears again just right next to me. And now I’m on high alert. The hairs on back of my neck are standing up and I was like, I don’t feel safe.

So I was very much like head over my shoulder the whole rest of my grocery shopping trip. And then when I went to check out, I asked if one of the employees could escort me to my car. So like, I don’t feel comfortable. He had said, made some comments towards me about like, it was something like, you look like I’m about to come beat you up. And I was like, well, now I’m concerned. And it was Walmart for reference. So it’s fine.

Anyway, it’s not fine. But it’s what happened. He said that they didn’t have anyone that could walk me to my car. And then there was a nice gentleman checking out behind me. And he’s like, I can walk you to your car. I have I had to do this for a woman last week. I have no problem walking you to your car. And I was like, thank you. And with his energy and his presence, like I didn’t have the high alert system on and he I was safe. He walked me in my car.

Elicia Ybarra (12:40.859)
That’s not fine.

Jess Diamond (13:06.106)
I put my groceries in, I drove away, and I am still here to tell the story. that was my situational awareness. So it’s more of the trusting that intuition and not bypassing it.

Elicia Ybarra (13:17.134)
Yes. Yes, not convincing yourself. Like I always use the elevator story, you know, because every woman I know has been like,

trying not to get into an elevator with a creepy looking dude. And all of a sudden, all of these negative beliefs start going through their mind. Like, I’m gonna be rude. He’s gonna think I’m a bitch, right? He’s gonna think I’m disrespectful. this is gonna be what causes him to attack me if I don’t get in the elevator. And so oftentimes we will get in the elevator. And what I always say, because that’s such an easy example, is that if everything in your mind and your body is like, do not get in that elevator,

Be rude. Don’t get in. Like, just say no. And just like you, like you waited and you said, wait, no, this guy is making me feel awkward. He said some really weird things to me. Like, this is not OK. I’m not safe. And that is how we as women stay safe. We can’t physically fight off every single person that wants to attack us. We are physically not capable of doing that most of the time. You know, I’m five two. I weigh like 130. All right. Somebody could just literally pick me up and throw me in a van like

All the martial arts in the world isn’t going to protect me from getting thrown. So it’s that situational awareness. It’s not being near the van.

Jess Diamond (14:34.544)
Yeah, my mom would always joke with me growing up of, I’m not worried about you getting kidnapped because you’ll annoy them and they’ll just return you. I was like, thanks, mom.

Elicia Ybarra (14:43.519)
Yeah, my mom used to do that too. Or like my dad used to be like, Ely, you’re meaner than like both of your brothers. Like nobody has to worry about you. But the reality is, is that we do live in a society where we have to worry about ourselves and we do have to worry about our friends and our daughters. And we do need to take these steps to stay safe.

Jess Diamond (15:05.658)
Yeah, I want to jump into something that really stood out to me on your website. And it’s a quote that you have because your messaging is what I talked about in the intro of this episode that self defense is more than that physical protection. So we’ve talked about the situational awareness, the trusting your intuition, and the setting the boundaries you’ve mentioned briefly. But on your website, you have a quote that I love that says, confidence is found not just in physical strength, but in the courage to defend your boundaries.

Can you further elaborate on what that means to someone listening?

Elicia Ybarra (15:40.957)
Yeah, so like I had originally kind of stated about, you know, growing up in a martial arts industry and really kind of being a badass, right? Like I was mean, like I could fight. But because I didn’t have boundaries, because I didn’t have the capability of protecting my mental and emotional space, I was still vulnerable. You know, I was groomed at a very young age by a much older instructor.

was put into a very highly controlled environment from 18 to 21. And then I went directly into an abusive relationship. And all of that is because I had the confidence to physically defend myself. I didn’t have the knowledge to understand boundaries. So I wasn’t aware when somebody was pushing them, when somebody was setting my boundaries for themselves.

I wasn’t aware of any of that. And so that quote is so close to my heart because so often I hear women say, if only I knew how to like punch or if only I had taken a kickboxing class or if only I was a black belt. But the reality is even if you are a black belt, even if you’re a bodybuilder and you have muscles galore, if you don’t know your boundaries and you can’t defend your mental and emotional space, somebody, you are still susceptible.

to be coerced, you are still vulnerable to be abused. It may not be physical right away. It may just be emotional manipulation, but you’re still vulnerable. So setting the boundaries, understanding where your line is, is where you start with gaining confidence. Because what I always tell my students is when you’ve set boundaries, right, and you know where your line is, like you’ve drawn that line and you’re, I’m here, this is mine. And somebody starts to get close to that line.

and they start to push it, you become acutely aware. You’re like, this person is trying to push this boundary. And that is true confidence. Confidence is having the ability, the knowledge and the intuition to walk away from a situation that is uncomfortable to you or something that you don’t want to be a part of.

Jess Diamond (17:46.736)
I would even say it’s also knowing your worth, like having a high self-worth, because that also requires you to be able to walk away from things as I am worthy, I am deserving of more than this. And knowing that line and then having that confidence, that self-respect, that self-worth to walk away.

Elicia Ybarra (17:52.049)
Yes.

Elicia Ybarra (18:00.026)
Absolutely.

Elicia Ybarra (18:06.803)
Especially I noticed like in my early 20s, like that was the time where I was really told that I didn’t have a lot of worth, that like my worth was because I was pretty, you know, and like, this is where you gain, you’re attractive. So this is where your worth is. Even though I was a very accomplished martial artist, my worth was being told to me by people that I trusted, I loved, and I cared about.

My worth was predicated on how pretty I looked or how well I was willing to people please. And the moment that you get out of that mindset, and that’s hard to do in your early 20s as you’re trying to like navigate being an adult. I would say once you get out of that mindset, you say absolutely not. I am worth more than this. I should not be treated like this. I should not be, you know, passed up on this promotion. I should not be treated the way that this person’s treating me. It would have the confidence to simply walk away.

this isn’t something I want out of life. And I think oftentimes, because of all that self talk and that rhetoric, we dismiss those feelings in favor of trying to people please in our early 20s. And then by the time we’re 30, we’re like, I’m done. I’m not doing that anymore. Now, now is the time for me to shine. And I like all of your listeners right now, whatever age you are, is the time for you to shine. You don’t need to wait for somebody to tell you, you are worth shining.

Jess Diamond (19:29.05)
Yeah, I’d say I also struggled with self-worth for a while. I think it was really up until honestly last year where I was fully able to see my own worth and take action and say yes or say no to things as a result of knowing what I deserve and like what I want for myself. So it is it’s a process. It’s a lot of that inner work that probably didn’t think comes with self-defense, but it does as we are learning more and more about.

Can you break down a little bit more in simple terms of someone listening who is like, I don’t have I don’t know if I have self-worth I don’t know how to set boundaries like what is what are some common? Simple techniques or practices or thought processes someone can start doing right now to Level up their boundaries ability or their people pleasing or their self-worth

Elicia Ybarra (20:24.205)
Yes, absolutely. And I have all of my students do this. I’m really excited. I developed a worksheet called Creating the Ideal You. It’s for free if you use the promo code ideal you on my website. It’s called Ideal You in my shop.

And what you do is you take a moment, you sit down with the sheet of paper and you really think about the ideal version of yourself. What does she look like? Right. What clothes does she wear? How does she dress? Like for me, my ideal version is a pink blazer, which is what I’m wearing right now for your listeners who can’t see me. Right. So you take that and then you ask yourself, how does this ideal version of me feel?

Is she wake up happy and excited to go to her job every day? How does she feel about her family, about her friends, about the people that are closest in her life? And then once you know how she looks and how she feels, you ask, what are her boundaries? So you don’t try to set boundaries for yourself in the moment because there’s a lot of negative emotions that are already attached. Your mind immediately goes to, I don’t want to be treated like that. I don’t want to be talked to like that. I want my raise.

But if you take yourself out of that mindset and you put it into this ideal version of yourself, this future version, and you ask like, how would she handle being treated like that by her friends? You know, what are her boundaries with her boyfriend or with her job or with her family? What are her routines? What does she do? And then you ask yourself, like, how does she handle her boundaries being disrespected?

Because right now, when I was in the middle of doing this process myself, I was very emotional. I was like trying to change everything about everyone around me. And the reality is, is we have no power over anybody else except ourselves and the way we react, right? So how does this ideal version of you react when her boundaries are disrespected? And that will give you a basis of how to really set these boundaries. And then finally, the fifth step is

Elicia Ybarra (22:30.006)
Who does this ideal version of you allow in her life? And that is a hard, and these are hard, right? When you are in a circle of all of the people that are used to you not having any boundaries and all of a sudden you start setting boundaries, know, when people, when you have no boundaries, people set boundaries for you and they set those boundaries for their easiness in life, for their easiness in life. They don’t set it for your best interest.

So when you start setting your own boundaries and it makes things harder on the people that care most about you, they’re gonna fight back and it’s going to be difficult. I’d like to tell all my students, you you’re gonna have to repeat yourself a million times. People are gonna ask, why have you changed? What has happened to you? Why are you acting this way? But you need to stay true to what your beliefs in yourself is. And that is why I created that worksheet. I did it for myself and then I turned it into a graphic.

because I realized that as women and young men, right, boundaries are boundaries, men or women. But specifically as women, we are really taught not to have boundaries and to put everyone else before us. You’re a good mother because you put your child before your own, before yourself, right? Like, but the reality is you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You can’t put it on your child first. You, the best thing you can do for a child is to be healthy and happy. So that’s what they see.

So set your boundaries, write them out, and then slowly start incorporating these new boundaries into your life. And again, it is difficult at first, but it gets easier over time. The same way we all had to learn how to put eyeliner on, okay? First time it was all scabby, like everywhere, right? After that, start to get a smooth line. That’s the way you gotta think about boundaries. It’s a skill that you have to learn.

Jess Diamond (24:18.648)
You just said so many amazing things. We’ll definitely be linking that worksheet in the show notes so you guys can access it right now as you’re listening to us talk. But it’s true. I mean, these are a lot of good questions. I know for me, it’s not necessarily thinking of who I want to be or the future version of like, what would she think? How would she act? It’s the way I think about it is more of the manifestation of what do I want for myself.

And so it’s a similar mindset around it. So if you’re listening, you feel a little stuck of what do I want? Think more of painting the picture of your life and manifesting that like I’ve manifested, I wrote down exactly what I wanted my business to look like and what I wanted a guy to be dating to look like in my life, how I want a best friend to show up in my life, like all of those things so that I have a better idea of what I’m looking for. And it also helps me show up in that same way too. It’s like I

want these from the people in my life, which means I also need to be this person in my life. Like boundaries work both ways. It protects you and it protects your relationships.

Elicia Ybarra (25:26.769)
Absolutely. I love the manifestation. I do it too. I have a vision board that I literally have as my background on my phone.

Jess Diamond (25:33.948)
I’ve done that. did that in 2022 and 2023. And then last year and this year, I haven’t done that for the background of my phone, but I fully written out in paragraph four describing what I want for myself.

Elicia Ybarra (25:48.07)
love that getting more detailed is really how you kind of set those boundaries to right. Like be detailed about it. You don’t have to think about the, you know, 10 years from now what you want yourself to look like. You really just want to take yourself out of that. That moment of all the self doubt when it comes to setting boundaries like.

Because I know for me, when I was trying to set boundaries originally, it was like, you’re not going to talk to me like that. And I came across, I didn’t know how to communicate them. You know, I was fighting with everybody in my life. And it turned out after I got some therapy, right, that I was able to learn how to communicate these boundaries in more of a healthy way.

Jess Diamond (26:23.644)
Yeah, and I think that’s a key part of it too. I think I’ve mentioned it on other episodes because boundaries always come up because they are so relevant to your life and to your happiness and to your peace that you need to communicate the boundaries. It’s like just all of a sudden acting in a different way is not going to sit well with the people that mean the most to you. And then it’s also the other side of that is knowing that the people who are disrespecting your boundaries the most right now are going to have the hardest time accepting the ones that you’re setting.

Elicia Ybarra (26:54.253)
Absolutely.

Jess Diamond (26:54.256)
And that’s part of building relationships. That’s part of why you need to communicate when someone’s pushing a boundary, what it’s making you feel or how it’s making you feel and what can be done about it. Not just, hey, this is my boundary and leaving it be. Like, no, you need to fully learn how to communicate it so that it is effective and it comes across in a loving manner where you want to strengthen your relationships and not break them.

Elicia Ybarra (27:19.779)
Absolutely, I love that. That’s such a great addition. I might put that in my workbook.

Jess Diamond (27:24.06)
You can take it give me a little bit of credit Let’s go back to self-defense not that we’ve really straight-off topic because all of this is that mental portion of self-defense But I’m really curious if there’s any Misconceptions about self-defense that you want to debunk right here right now

Elicia Ybarra (27:27.233)
Well, I will, I will always credit you, don’t worry.

Elicia Ybarra (27:46.93)
Yes. my God. There’s so many. As a matter of fact, you mentioned one in the beginning. I don’t know if it was right before the show or it was on the show that you were like, you know, like, think of self-defense. I think of like pepper spray. And that is a myth in itself, right? Like you you feel like you feel scared for some reason, right? Somebody you dated something. The guy at Wal-Mart is making you creeped out. Right. So you go and you buy pepper spray and you’re like, I’m empowered. I can defend myself.

And then you throw the pepper spray in your purse, right? Like we all do. And then it sits there for a year. And let’s just take a moment and really think about how that’s going to play out in a time where you feel that you’re in danger. Fear has taken over the fight, flight or freeze and fawn is is in full swing in your brain. And the pepper spray is at the bottom of your purse that you haven’t touched for a year. So you have this false sense of safety because it’s there. But.

Most of the time, 90 % of women have never actually practiced how to use pepper spray. They don’t know how to turn it on. They don’t know which way to twist. They don’t know if it’s gel or it’s spray. They’re not thinking about the wind. So you’re fumbling through your purse while this guy’s trying to attack you, trying to find this pepper spray, and it actually makes you more vulnerable. In the moment.

because there are simple, effective techniques that you could use with just your hands that could get you out of a dangerous situation. But because we buy pepper spray or a knife or sometimes even a gun, right? We have this false sense of security. Like now I can defend myself. So I will just let all of your, I let all my students know this too, and all of your listeners, if you are going to go that route, if you’re going to buy a knife or a gun or pepper spray,

Go get training in it first. Go to a gun safety class. Go to a martial arts studio. Find somebody that knows a knife. Usually all masters know how to use weapons and say, I’m thinking about buying this. Can you teach me? Get the training firsthand because what happens is in that moment when you’re shaking in fear, you don’t know where the pepper spray is. You don’t know where the knife is. And most of the time you don’t know where the gun is. You don’t know how to get the safety off. So you’re actually more vulnerable.

Elicia Ybarra (30:06.748)
As a matter of fact, a recent study that I found against, I believe it’s called the Harvard Injury Research Report, I think that’s what it’s called, 0.04 % of women are effective in using a weapon for self-defense, 0.04%. So 95.6%, I think, if my math is math-ing right, of women are ineffective in using a weapon in general.

If you’re thinking about going that route, take a self-defense course first. Go to a local martial arts school, go online, type in women’s self-defense. There’s a lot of Jiu-Jitsu schools that do it now where it’s all women. Obviously I do mine in person. I’m working on an online course right now, but go do a course first. Learn how to use your hands as a weapon before you buy one.

Elicia Ybarra (31:04.059)
Thanks

Jess Diamond (31:04.343)
learn how to use your hands as a weapon before you go buy one that was wow I’m I’m speechless right now. I do definitely want to ask you like what would be a simple self defense technique that everyone should know but I want to stay on topic of this the weapons for a second just the physical weapons because I always felt a little weird about never owning pepper spray but here you are telling me of like well

actually not really helping you if you don’t know how to use it. And that’s mind blowing. know. have a side story is that I was talking with one of my guy friends and he was saying that he has his pepper spray on his nightstand. He has it on him and then he’ll keep it on his nightstand through the night. And I was like, you know, if someone managed to find their way through my apartment that you need a double access to get through, get to my floor specifically to my apartment unit.

somehow unlock my door through the way where you can’t see that there’s a lock bolted on the inside and show up in my bedroom, I think at that point they win. And I’m like, this is what it is. The pepper spray is not gonna help me. They really wanted to get to me. And that was a whole conversation we were having and everyone was like, it makes sense. But, and my friend Dave was like, I’m still gonna keep my pepper spray on my nightstand.

Elicia Ybarra (32:27.095)
I mean, I always carry a knife, but I am trained in knife and me and my husband practice with knives. My husband’s also a martial artist, just so your listeners know, I’m not just beating him up. But we practice all the time with like a fake knife because there are those moments. And one of the best examples I can give.

Jess Diamond (32:38.62)
you

Elicia Ybarra (32:48.486)
is I know a lot of your listeners are like in their early 20s, right? So and then their 20s. most of them do not have kids. And if they do, you know, they’re probably young. But have you ever been with a child where you’re like walking through the parking lot and you’re holding their hand and they’re trying to run away and you’re trying to find your keys and you can’t find your keys and you’re starting to panic because you have this two year old trying to like book it and there’s cars going around. Now imagine if your life was in danger and you were trying to find your pepper spray or your knife, not your keys.

Like that is the way that we have to think about any type of weapon. Like you can’t think about it in the times of peace. You have to think about it in the time of war. And if somebody is attacking you, you are at war. You are defending yourself. You are trying to protect your body. And your mind is not going to work the same way as if me and you are sitting here having this conversation. And I like gradually pull out a knife and I’m like, look, this is how you use it because

when your body gets that adrenaline rush, right? We’ve all had an adrenaline rush. We’re all shaky. The same thing happens with fear. And if you choose to fight, it is much easier to use your hands, your elbows, your knees, your forehead, any part of your body to get out of the situation than it is to ask the perpetrator, the attacker, excuse me, can you stop while I find my pepper spray? Just give me one minute, okay? Like step back, don’t attack yet. I’m almost there. Nobody’s gonna stop.

If you have that split second, you have less than a minute. I mean, probably less than like five seconds, right? To find and execute your pepper spray. And a lot of times that’s not going to happen.

Jess Diamond (34:25.562)
Yeah, I’m glad that you’re saying this. So what is something helpful? What is a helpful tactic that you can verbally explain? Because this is more of an audio than visual. I go do I clip it for Instagram, but it is audio. for people listening right now, how can they best protect themselves using their body?

Elicia Ybarra (34:45.234)
Using your body, first off, your language, your tone and your posture is huge. Before you even get to the physical self-defense, yelling, 85 % of women who yelled got away. 85%, I think I’m right on that, according to the empowerment self-defense model. So I’m really hoping I said that right. If I didn’t, I’ll correct it.

But 85 % of women who yell get away, right? A lot of times perpetrators are looking for a specific type of victim and they’re looking for a compliant victim. They’re looking for somebody who’s not gonna fight back, who’s not gonna yell, who’s not gonna scream. But if you do get to the point where you have to fight back, eye gouge, right? Spread all your fingers as wide as you can and shove them as hard as you can at that dude’s eyes. He can’t chase you if he can’t see.

Like he’s going to be more worried about his eyeballs than he is about attacking you or grabbing onto a man’s Adam’s apple and yanking it towards you as hard as you can. Can’t chase you if you can’t breathe. Right. Like those are the types of things that we as women need to think about a palm strike. Right. And if you want to clip this, I’ll put my palm up here and I’ll show there’s a part of your palm right that right down your pinky and up to your thumb that bone.

bone, that’s not bone, that part of your palm, that is one of the most effective ways to hit someone. And if you hit someone on their nose, you will break it. It is almost as powerful as a punch. So right there, there’s three ways where somebody is coming at you and facing you that you could attack them back. You could defend yourself in a way that you don’t need pepper spray, you don’t need a knife and you don’t need a gun that would allow you to get away.

with women’s self-defense, with all self-defense, but specifically what I teach women’s self-defense, we are not trying to kill the perpetrator. We are not trying to like stomp on his face when he falls to the ground. We are trying to save our own lives and get away. Breaking his nose, gouging his eyes, ripping his Adam’s apple out. Those are the ways that we get away.

Jess Diamond (36:54.172)
I want to give a hypothetical of someone comes from behind you, because I feel like that’s where a lot of the fear comes in. know like for me, those are my own thoughts too, of someone’s coming from behind you and grabbing you to like take you somewhere or push you to the ground or whatever it may be. In that instance, when you don’t see them, what is an effective way to get out of that grasp?

Elicia Ybarra (37:17.983)
So there is a really easy technique where when they grab you and their hands are wrapped around you, you dig your fingers into the first finger on their hand you can get and you yank that finger back and break it. So if someone grabs you now, you only do like we got to think of this realistically, right? If my ex boyfriend was very abusive, one of the ways that he would attack me was that he would bear hug me and he would slam me to the ground because I was a martial artist. He never fought me to my face.

It was always an attack from behind. was always grabbing my hair, throwing me or bear hugging me. And I wish I would have thought of breaking the finger. But that is what you do when their hands are clenched around you. You widen your stance as much as you can without losing your balance. You dig your fingernails and your finger into that pointer finger, that middle finger, and you yank it back as hard as you can and you break it. Because that will be, surprise enough, of pain.

most of the time for a man to let go. Now, adrenaline is a crazy thing when it comes to that stuff. Like I have been attacked by a man and I’ve kicked him square in the balls and he just looked at me and laughed and kept coming. So, yeah, it was terrifying. Even as a black man, I was like, oh, oh no. But I will say that like breaking something, grabbing the Adam’s apple, right? Like those types, those are so kind of

of left field, right? Most men are expecting you to try to punch them, to try to like put your dukes up and fight it out. Break his finger. Yank it as back as far as you can. Elbow him, kick him. Whatever you have to do to get away from him, do it.

Jess Diamond (39:01.072)
I’ve also heard and you can correct me if I’m wrong, because I just I’ve heard this from it was on social media. So who knows if this is right. But if you’re being picked up to go into like full deadweight, so that you can slip out, is that true? Is that a tactic you can do so that you can get your bearings a little bit more? Or is that bullshit social media talk?

Elicia Ybarra (39:22.794)
If you’re a trained martial artist and you know how to fall, yeah, that might work. But I weigh 135 pounds. If I go dead weight, like you could pick me up and throw me like a rag doll. So if you’re 6’2 and you know you’re all muscle, yeah, go dead weight. But if you’re small and petite like me, that wouldn’t work for me. And that won’t work for most women because

when you go dead weight, like if they’re able to lift you, you’re gonna be on the ground. Your best bet would be in that case to preemptively know that you’re vulnerable to be thrown that way and to learn how to like fight on the ground like a jujitsu style. Like what do you do when you’re on the ground? know, how do you avoid being like raped or assaulted?

And the way that you do that is by like kicking your feet up and trying to keep your feet between you and the assailant once you hit the ground. But in my opinion, going dead weight works for some people, but most of the time you’re just putting yourself in a more vulnerable state because they can pick you up and throw you down. You’re going to be on the ground.

Jess Diamond (40:38.684)
So break their fingers, gouge their eyes, flake their nose.

Elicia Ybarra (40:41.339)
Break their fingers, break their nose, make them blind, grab their Adam’s apple, right? Like think of the most basic thing that you can think of and learn how to do that real well. Like when I defended myself against my attacker who did pick me up like a rag doll by my hair and throw me down the hallway, by the way, he was choking me and his face was very close to mine and he was holding me about a foot off the ground. And when I fought back, I fought.

strike I broke his nose. That is how I saved my life. I always thought it would be some super cool ninja trick like I would be doing some flying sidekick and you know spinning around and karate chopping. No it wasn’t. It was a very basic the first technique I ever learned as a white belt at six years old a palm strike. That is how I saved my own life and I grabbed his Adam’s apple and I pulled his Adam’s apple.

Jess Diamond (41:34.726)
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. That is frightening. And I know your story is definitely important for other women to hear because they’ve been in similar situations. Hopefully not everybody, but I know that it is unfortunately common. So I want to ask, how can a guy listening who cares about women’s safety and making sure that they feel comfortable and secure around them

How can they be allies, in a sense, of promoting the safety for women within their communities, in their friend groups, when they’re out at a bar? Just anything that comes to mind that is like a man listening can do X, Y, and Z as a way to help women feel more safe.

Elicia Ybarra (42:20.453)
So men listening to help your friends feel safe, respect their boundaries as a person first. So don’t be the person that is pushing the boundaries in the first place. And a lot of times like men that that want to be allies will be like, well, you know, I would never actually hurt you. But then they’re still kind of pushing other boundaries.

Don’t do that. If you want women to feel safe around you, you need to show respect to their boundaries also so that they don’t get used to having a man push their boundaries, one that says that they care about them. And I would say like in a bar situation, you know, keep an eye out on your friends that are women and see if they’re uncomfortable. Be that person that they can come to and hold his hand and be like, this is my boyfriend. And that way, if a creepy guy is trying to talk to them.

you’re that safe space that they can go. And the way that you do that is by respecting them and showing respect. And if you’re in a group of guys and they are showing a picture of their girlfriend, you know, that they’re having sex with, don’t be okay with that. like, dude, don’t be showing that. Like have some respect for your girlfriend. And a lot of times men don’t do that. They’re like, let me see. Like, let’s pass this around.

And your friends that are girls, when they see that, they automatically don’t trust you because they think if you ever got a picture of them, they’re going, then everybody in that group is also going to see it. So standing up to your friends and being like, I’m not okay with you behaving this way. And as you continue to do that, the women in your life will see you do that. And that’s how you become an ally is just not tolerating them being disrespected. You don’t have to jump in the middle of a

you know, of a man talking to your friend and punch him in the face. But you can walk over there and you can be like, hey, is everything good? Do you need anything? And, you know, I actually when I was going out and partying in my early 20s, I had a couple of guy friends that like we had a look like I would look at them and I would be like, not OK. And they would come with their arm around me and get me out of the situation. And those are the types of things that men can do. Right.

Elicia Ybarra (44:35.287)
They can take the woman’s lead, respect their boundaries, and still be a safe space for them to go.

Jess Diamond (44:42.746)
Yeah, this is it’s being a girl’s girl, even as a guy listening being a girl’s girl. I know girls are really good at doing this for other girls. But even as you said, it’s it’s sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes you really need that male presence to help protect you from another guy. It’s like a territory thing in a sense. mean, even on New Year’s of this year, I was at the bar with my friends and I saw this girl. Well, I saw this guy who

previously tried to talk to me and my friends and we just like, okay, like, bye. And then we saw him go up to this girl and start bothering her and she could not get away. So I go up to her and I was just like, my god, I haven’t seen you in forever. Just like give her a big hug and like stop the conversation. And she went with it because she realized like, hey, I need help getting out of this situation. But then he still came back. And it actually wasn’t until she said that she has a boyfriend did he back

Elicia Ybarra (45:33.447)
Thank

Jess Diamond (45:37.702)
So it didn’t take me telling him like, hey, I haven’t seen her in four years. Like we are catching up right now, but out. It took her having to say like, there’s another guy in my life. Like he’s around the corner for you to leave. Like he wasn’t, it was a made up guy who wasn’t even anywhere to be found. it’s guys are so weird when it comes to that. So it is, it’s so important that if you care about the girls in your life, that you need to be there for them. You need to respect them. You need to protect them. We do need protection.

Elicia Ybarra (46:07.016)
One of the things I will add on that for you, because I’ve done a lot of research into like why, you know, some men just don’t take no for an answer. And I think I came, I have a theory on it. And I think what my, here’s my theory, right? Generations before us as women, we’re not allowed to say no, right?

like marital rape, right, wasn’t a thing until the 70s and it wasn’t a law until the 90s. And even now, like it’s really not enforced very much. So women really weren’t allowed to say no. So as our generation and the generations after us, what we were taught was not to be rude, to be polite, not to directly say no, to find a way around the bush, to be nice and meet.

and feminine and girly and not to, you know, hurt their ego or upset them because they may lash out. But now young men, they’re taught persistence pays off and not to give up. So we have a society where young women are taught not to say no directly and where young men are taught not to take no for an answer. And that puts everyone in a very confusing state, especially when you involve things like drugs and alcohol, because now, you know, you’re

walls are down, your libido’s up, you know, she’s sometimes trying to be nice. So she’s laughing kind of at what you say. And you’re taking that as like, she likes me. And she’s really like, I don’t know how to tell this guy no. And that is where men can come in, because you can learn the tells of your girlfriends, of your friends, right? Of when they are uncomfortable. And sometimes, like you said, a male presence, it’s all that’s needed for a guy to get the point. But

We do as women and as young men and women need to understand that society-wise, men are taught not to listen to no and women are taught not to say no explicitly. And if they do, they’re a bitch. So that’s where we kind of stand right now. It’s starting to get a little bit better as women set boundaries and get more confident in their ability to be like, this is not something I’m interested in. But I know for me, I mean, I’m 35 now, so I’m a little bit older. I went to the bar. That’s why I was partying all the time.

Elicia Ybarra (48:18.467)
And like, I was very blunt. I was like, no, I had a lot of confidence in my nose too. And men still didn’t, they were like, well, just let me buy you one shot. just let me. even when I had an engagement ring on, they were like, that’s just fake. You’re not really engaged. Like, where’s your fiance? Why are you out partying without your fiance? So we should be aware that there’s always gonna be those types of men that are not gonna take that no.

And that is where the language, tone, and posture and the confidence of saying no starts to come more in hand.

Jess Diamond (48:49.926)
Can you give an example of the posture that, because you referenced it a couple of times. So I want you to touch on that a little bit in more detail.

Elicia Ybarra (48:57.572)
So a lot of times women are taught to have their eyes downcast, have their shoulders slumped, walk quietly. you know, sometimes we’re distracted, sometimes we’re not. But as a society, women are taught to be meek and femininity, right, is meek and quiet and submissive. So when you have your shoulders up, when you’re alert, when you’re looking around, when you make eye contact with a man, that is showing him that you are not meek.

that you are not gonna be compliant, that you are not gonna be an easy target. And oftentimes that is enough so that you are not the one that becomes the victim.

Jess Diamond (49:38.222)
Okay, thanks. Thanks for adding that in that explanation.

Elicia Ybarra (49:40.09)
So shoulders up, eye contact alert.

Jess Diamond (49:44.516)
Yes, good. Chin up even. What is one piece of advice you would like to give to every listener about staying safe and practicing self-defense?

Elicia Ybarra (49:58.043)
Every woman should take a self-defense class, at least one. Go somewhere you’re comfortable. If you’re not comfortable with a man, find a woman. There’s a lot, like I said, Gracie Jujitsu, they do a lot of women-ran self-defense classes that teach you not just how to get out of situations, but also how to ground fight much better than even I do in my own course. I have very basic knowledge.

And my second one would be to start setting boundaries early. Do not wait until you’re in the abusive relationship for men and women. Right. Because I know a lot of men who have been abused to most of the time, it’s financial and mental and emotional abuse that men endure. And what I will say to men and women is when you start to see those red flags walk away. Right. Like I always tell women if you’ll if you’ll hit the TV when he’s mad out of.

football game, your face is next. You know, if a woman will put her hands on you as a man, you’re she’s going to be abusive. Like if male or female, if they can’t handle their anger and control their emotions, walk away from that situation. Don’t stay in it longer, because what happens is we make excuses. it was just that one time. you know, she just got really mad at me. you know, he was just upset about the football game. But the reality is every single time that

a boundary is being pushed and we as the other person, as the victim are on a sense allowing it, right? That person knows that if they hit the TV in front of you, you’re not gonna react. So the next time they hit the wall by your face, you don’t react. Eventually it becomes your face that they’re hitting. And the same thing goes with a woman to a man, right? If every time your girlfriend asks you for money, you pull out your ATM and you give her money, it is gonna be very hard.

for you to say no more money, right? But the reality is young men, are not ATMs for women, okay? Like you do not need to give them money. If a woman is interested in you, it’s not always about what gifts you give her and what she buys. And if a woman is only interested in you in the money and the gifts, then that is all that she is gonna value in you for the rest of your relationship.

Jess Diamond (52:13.564)
Yeah, so on that note, if anyone wants to join me in a self-defense class, let me know. We can go together. But thank you, Alicia. This was so insightful. I was thoroughly entertained this entire time. So I hope everyone listening was too. Where can people find you if they want to take one of your classes or work with you one-on-one or even just follow you?

Elicia Ybarra (52:36.319)
So if you wanna follow me, I am at Pretty Hands Hard Punches across all social media. It’s spelled out exactly the way it sounds. And if you wanna come to a class, I am based out of Southern California. I’m working on an online course right now. It’s not quite ready, but out of Southern California, I do work at the Corona Hills Boxing and Fitness Gym in Corona. Every Friday night I do classes. And then I also do public speaking. maybe I’ll be, hopefully I’ll be a public speaker somewhere near you and you can come.

hear this for yourself. And then my website is www.prettyhandshardpunches.com.

Jess Diamond (53:13.52)
All right, and all of that will be linked in the show notes for you guys to access per usual. Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to 20 something. If you liked what you heard, if you learned something new, if you know someone who needs to listen to this episode, then please pass it along either to a friend or by posting it on social media, tagging us in your story. And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode.