The fear of wasting your twenties

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today we’re going to talk about the fear of wasting your twenties

That you need to travel, date around, change careers, go out every weekend, do it all during this singular decade because this is when you’ll have the most time and energy to do so

It’s the idea that you need to live it up right now, this is your only chance

Because what comes next is marriage and kids and back aches and exhaustion and mortgages and boring responsibilities which strips you of being able to take advantage of all those fun things later on

However, this way of thinking is doing a lot more harm than you might think

Now, I’m a huge advocate for having fun in your twenties, but I think it’s important for you to identify what that fun is

I spoke on this when I delivered my this is not your life talk because it falls into the comparison trap of doing the things you think you’re supposed to be doing, rather than what it is you actually want to be doing

It’s something I battled with for a while when I first moved to Charlotte in 2022

Things had just opened back up officially since the global shutdown and I felt like I needed to say yes to going out to the bars every weekend because that’s what everyone else does

And if i want to have fun in my twenties and make friends then i need to do so too

Even though I stopped drinking during the pandemic and never picked it back up outside of an occasional sip here or there

And I love my sleep and hate drunk people

I justified going out with the compromise that I would be home by midnight so I could still go to sleep and not be annoyed by everyone reaching their drunkest sloppiest points of the night

I called it my cinderella era 

And it’s not to say I didn’t have fun when I went out… I have fun wherever I am as long as the music is good

If the music sucks, I’m bored

But if I had it my way with the friends I was going out with, I would much rather hang out on someone’s couch and make memories we can all remember and feel good about the next day

It’s something I definitely could have created for myself, but fed into not wanting to waste my twenties or put myself as an outcast to these new people I was meeting

I felt like I needed to prove to them that I can hang, that I’m a fun life coach who does it all

Call it maturity or getting over the fear of wasting my twenties, but at 28 almost 29 years old I am well past that phase in my life

Actually, as I’m planning out this episode there was a holiday event occurring between two very well-known groups in charlotte

Y-happy hour and morning miles

And one of the trainers at my gym is 24 and she begged me to go with her

It was on a thursday night and 25 dollars and I was like ehhh I have the $25 but I really don’t feel like spending it on this experience to be around people I really don’t care to be around in this kind of setting

This event is what I would call in my college days, a place to be facey

Which is where anyone who’s anyone is going to show up and you need to show your face to be on the in crowd

Something I really do not care about at my age, but this trainer is not my age, she’s 4 years younger and is still in that stage of life

And that is totally fine, it’s a rite of passage, as long as you’re not falling into the trap of only going because you’re afraid of regretting not going 

The fear of regret is your fear of missing out

Which is the fear of wasting your twenties

Now this fear comes in many different forms, with one of them being missing out on the fun parts as i’ve been explaining so far and the other side being falling behind on the major milestones a majority of people hit between the ages of 25 and 30

So I think the first thing you need to do if your fear lies in the fun side of this decade is to make a list of all of the things you find fun

What brings you enjoyment, fills up your cup, makes your heart feel whole

Like for me, I love a slow weekend morning where I wake up at 7, cuddle my boyfriend, go downstairs to read my book while i sip on coffee

I love grabbing dinner with a girlfriend or going for a walk

I love when my book club gathers and we chat over coffee for an hour and a half

I love working out outside when it’s sunny and a bit warmer than right now

I love game nights

I love celebrating people whether it’s a wedding, a promotion, and birthday, you name it

For me, going out to the bars is not fun, it’s an energy sucker

But maybe for you listening that is the most fun thing you could imagine yourself doing on your weekends

And that’s amazing, as long as it’s something that feels good to you regardless of what someone else has to say about it

How you spend your free time in your twenties is confusing and it isn’t at the same time

It’s confusing because, to the point of this episode, you don’t want to waste this time of your life with being boring or wanting to be relevant with your peers

Sure drunk stories are entertaining as hell, but dig into what you like to do and I can almost guarantee it’s not just going out every weekend.. There’s more to life and memories than another night out

It’s not confusing because you have free will over your life, what you want it to look like, and what you want to do about it

The second half of the fear of wasting your twenties is in those milestones I mentioned a few minutes ago

You don’t want to fall behind everyone else

Every October to December your feed is filled with engagements 

Or at least mine is

And if you’re single and constantly seeing people get engaged you’re going to feel like you’re doing something wrong in your twenties or that something is wrong with you

When I tell you I get this feeling, believe me… I GET THIS FEELING

As I’m planning out this episode, I finally dug up the timing of everything that happened in December of 2024

Here’s the backstory

For MONTHS I was crushing on this guy I kept running into

If you’re heard of the invisible red string theory.. That was happening to me in real time

Where you’re connected to someone by this invisible string and you’ll finally meet when the timing is right

We ran into each other originally at the supermarket where he was in line behind me and then a few hours later was at the same birthday party I was at

A week later he was at the same place my book club was meeting for dinner

A week after that he showed up to the run club i was going to very frequently

Like it was crazy

Well in december one of my girlfriends was dating one of his friends so we coordinated a cute little double date

And it was such a good date, the jokes were flowing, things were going well

And the next night he texted me he wasn’t interested and it crushed me

Rewind to 3 hours… 3 HOURS prior to receiving that text I was playing soccer and I met Ryan

But I wasn’t interested in Ryan like that so I was devastated about this other guy

I was crying, feeling unlovable, as though no one will ever want to be with me, that I’m going to remain single for forever and ever

Like we’re talking, unwell

And then the next week is when Ryan messaged me and here we are over a year later full of love

But I tell you this because it’s so easy to get caught up in your own story of i’m missing out on the love part of my twenties when a relationship was something i really really wanted for myself

And then it’ll flip around in a second, as long as you continue to put yourself out there and take the risk and say yes to a date with someone you weren’t that interested in and is now someone you can’t imagine life without

And if it’s not the love side of your twenties then it’s your career or your friendships or your body

If you feel like you’re wasting your time during your week because you feel like you have no time to do anything after work then the quickest fix i have for you to start enjoying this working world is my resource 3 ways to maximize your 5-9 after your 9-5

Which you can download right in the show notes, you just have to enter your name and email and i’ll have that pdf sent directly to you

But it’s also possible you feel like you’re wasting your career development because you haven’t finalized your path yet

I had a call recently with someone who is so stressed about locking in her career path because she keeps changing jobs

She sees her fiance with his set career path, where he knows exactly what he’s doing with his life and she’s floating out in space and approaching her thirties with no set path

And that all this time has been a waste and she’s failing at this adulting thing

When it comes to having your best friends in your city, you can feel like an outsider

Because everyone has their own groups already established and you can barely make one friend who sticks or that you really connect with

So you feel like you’re wasting the friend side of your twenties.. Especially if you’ve ever watched the show friends and are like where are my people

Pick any example where you feel behind and it’s going to pair right along with not wanting to waste your twenties

And the last thing you want to do is start over

In your career, in a new city, in a new relationship, with a new friend

You have this huge resistance to end something, even if it’s not serving you to the highest ability

Because what happens next feels like you’re starting over, even when you’re not, but it then means you’re behind which then means you’ve wasted this particular part of your twenties

Because everyone who has locked in that area of their life is constantly moving forward and you’ve hit this standstill and then you’ve started to step backwards… even when that’s not what’s happening 

There’s this unspoken belief that this decade is when you’re supposed to finalize everything for the rest of your adult life

And while yes, this decade is to build up your foundation for the rest of your life

It’s not the time to feel like you have to lock everything in for forever and ever

In fact, there is never going to be a point in your life where you HAVE to lock in anything

You’re an adult now sweetheart, you have free will to keep changing your mind again and again

I mean you don’t want to be irrational and unpredictable with constantly changing things

But I also don’t want you to feel trapped in your decisions because you’re never trapped, you can always pick a new path

And you’re not wasting the previous time spent on the quote unquote wrong path by changing directions

I recently had a client feel this way when we were talking about his career

Because he went to school for four years studying a particular field and we were looking at some other options that were unrelated just to get him working and doing something he doesn’t hate

And his response was well i feel like I would have just wasted the last four years studying something else to not even have it as my career

To which I reminded him that I went to school for interior design and that is not at all what I do now

That it’s okay to change things up based on your goals, which are also going to change with age

I say that because some careers are very hard to get your initial foot in the door without the connections and connections take time to builld

But that doesn’t mean you’ll never have that career

It’s just moving out from your parents house is the primary goal and that comes with finding a job to start making money 

So it’s not to say that what you picked to study and the time spent doing so was a waste, it’s just possible that it’s not happening for you right now

I know for me, it just wasn’t a right fit entirely

And you’re allowed to say you tried something and it just wasn’t for you

Without it feeling like the time spent trying was a waste or that you failed

Wasting your twenties isn’t what you think it is

It isn’t changing your mind, starting from scratch, leaving relationships, switching careers, moving cities

It’s staying in situations that are no longer a fit because you’re afraid of the next thing being worse or wrong

But this decade is filled with so many different learning experiences and it’s a time that really starts to shape who you are as an adult

Which means you’re going to outgrow people, places, and things frequently

Enjoy different things than everyone else

View life differently as a whole

So if you’re learning, if you’re testing the waters of something new, and if you’re making choices based on what feels good to you

Then it’s impossible to waste your twenties

Hindsight is always going to be 20/20 so it’s always going to feel like you should’ve made a different decision in your past

But that’s not how life works

All you can do is make a decision that suits you based on what you want right now and going forward

No one is ahead or behind, no one has life figured out

You feel that way when compare yourself to what everyone else is up to

It’s a common fear to have whether it’s in regards to the fun part or the milestone part and it takes a lot of self awareness to break that comparison trap

But trust me when I tell you this, nothing is waste if it’s what’s right for you

There’s not time wasted with a friendship that ended after 2 years, there’s not time wasted at a job that sucked for 6 months of your life, there’s not time wasted dating someone for 3 years and ending things

Because each of those experiences brought you some extra wisdom about yourself and the world and to who you are today

So that the next decision you make is even more thought out than the last one

Nothing is a waste if you don’t let it be 

Which is exactly how i’m going to wrap up this episode

So if you liked what you heard, learning something new, or know someone who is afraid of wasting a piece of their life then do me a favor and share this episode

Send it to a friend, post it to social media just please do whatever you can to help me expand my reach to all of the twenty-somethings out there navigating the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode