Why jealousy is a good thing

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today I’m going to be talking to you all about that little green monster you know you hate… jealousy

In a world with so much access to information into other people’s lives it is really easy to see what other people are doing, having, or achieving and feel envious of that person and then feel bad about yourself for not being where they are

And what’s worse, is that no one talks about this! 

I mean yeah, sure people talk about how we are constantly viewing other people’s lives and comparing ourselves to what we see, but no one really puts a feeling to it.. 

So let’s just call it for what it is, you are jealous

And that’s okay, but you were taught to not be okay with that feeling

When you think about it, early on in childhood you’re forced to be happy for your friends or family members for their success, even if you wanted that success for yourself too and fell short

Like I remember when I first started gymnastics, I was 7 and was not great, but my friends were pretty good

So at that very first competition when they all medaled in every event and I didn’t, my mom saw i was upset and told me to go congratulate my friends and that if I was going to cry because I didn’t get a medal in every event like they did that she was going to pull me out of gymnastics

Some call it good sportsmanship, but what’s actually happening is we’re learning to believe jealousy is bad 

When what’s actually going on is, my jealousy was my disappointment in myself

I was told straight out that I wasn’t the best

And for a 7 year old, that’s devastating

As an adult I know that not everyone can be the best.. It’s why participation trophies are such bullshit and is ruining every child’s perception of the real world

It’s also knowing that there is always always always going to be someone who is better than you

And honestly, if you are the best, consistently, then you probably aren’t challenging yourself enough or putting yourself in rooms where you are no longer the top dog

Whether it’s the have more money, a faster metabolism, a flexible schedule, a happy family, another trip to Europe

Looking at what other people have that is better than what you have releases the green monster, but it doesn’t have to be as negative as we make it out to be

My disappointment in myself only pushed me to work harder at gymnastics so i would medal in every event too

Fast forward to adulting and the same message from when you were a kid is running through your mind

Don’t be jealous, be happy

So while outwardly you’re ecstatic, putting on a face, jumping up and down and cheering “i’m so happy for her” you then go behind closed doors and spiral

And yes, both things can be true, you can be happy for that other person AND be jealous that you didn’t get it

It being that promotion, new job, relationship status, weight loss, social life

Whatever you feel you’re falling short on is going to initiate this feeling of I want what she or he has

This could not rain more true for me than this morning when I saw a trainer sign another new client.. I’m happy for her success but at the same time I feel like I’m doing something wrong as I want the same success for myself but seem to not be getting it

Jealousy is uncomfortable and overall carries a negative stigma with it, but there are also so positives that comes with the little green monster as I exemplified with my gymnastics story

By definition, jealousy is the emotional discomfort that arises when someone else has – or appears to have – something you deeply want

It doesn’t always mean you wish they didn’t have it and you had it instead, but it’s that in your face reminder of I don’t have this and I want it too

I honestly think your twenties are the breeding ground for insane jealousy because everyone around you is moving at different paces, achieving milestones at different times, and posting about their life for the whole world to see and celebrate with them

And don’t get me wrong, that person deserves to be celebrated… most of the time

Because i think we can all bring someone to mind where we feel they received something that they didn’t deserve

But I’m not here to talk about the other person who appears to be winning at life, I’m here to talk to you

You want all of these things for yourself, whether it’s a better career, a better work schedule, a better body, a lavish vacation, the love of your life, children, dogs, a house, a new car, you name it

It is rare, in this day and age, to be completely and totally satisfied with what you have because we see what everyone else is up to at all times

We live in a consumer world and it doesn’t make the negative sides of jealousy any easier to deal with

But let me be very clear when I say this… jealousy does not make you a bad person

It makes you human. It makes you aware. It makes you honest.

So this episode is to help break down the pros and cons behind jealousy and to help normalize the feelings inside of you that everyone tells you to shove down and never bring up

I’m telling you to let it fuel you

For one, jealousy is a signal your brain is sending to you to tell you this matters to you

You are jealous because one of your insecurities is being highlighted and then you’re going to turn inwards and create all these stories as to why you haven’t overcome this insecurity yet

Those stories usually come with nit picking what’s wrong with you; it instills these beliefs that you’re either too much, not enough, or behind so you can either harp on the negative emotions and stories that are coming up or do something about it

You have the power to change up the narrative and use your jealousy as a wake up call – as a way for you to get curious about what you’re feeling insecure about and how you can start to change things in your life

I’ll give another jealousy example, last year I struggled with dating – my best friend claimed to also struggle with dating.. Don’t worry we had extensive conversations around this because in my eyes she was going on dates left and right, boys were naturally drawn to her, she had the natural gift of flirting

In her eyes, none of these men were of her quality and she was just going on these dates to go on dates, so as a result she was also struggling with her dating life

But when I looked at my life compared to hers, I had literally nothing and no one asking me out, no one pursuing me or interested in me

I was jealous of her ability to flirt and of the attention she was getting from men because it was something I was working so hard on for myself

Instead of hating her for it, which is the bad side of jealousy, I asked her for help with flirting while also letting her know what I see and feel about my dating struggles and how I felt when she would say she’s in my same boat because, in my eyes, she wasn’t

She was desired and I was not

But I was learning and she helped me be a little better at flirting, it’s not something that comes naturally to me and is entirely uncomfortable

My jealousy let me ask questions, communicate what I was feeling, and begin to improve on the area I was insecure about

So when you break it down, if you’re someone who says I’ll never be as successful as that person, I’m not as attractive as them, or whatever story you tell yourself, it’s actually an opportunity for personal development

Except here’s the tough part, because at first jealousy brings up a sense of rage inside of you, but once you’re able to recognize what’s going on you get to take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on?

What is causing you to react in this way? What can you do to try to level up towards the life you’re feeling jealous of

Your seemingly rotten emotion is giving you data

Data around what you want deep down that maybe you haven’t admitted out loud before or even realized for yourself

Like seeing someone in a healthy relationship makes you upset because you want to feel safe with someone and want to find your forever person

Or seeing an entrepreneur with a flexible schedule makes you jealous because you also want freedom with your work day but you have an office job where you have to work from 9 to 5

Jealousy is a window into something that matters to you.. It’s an emotion that is trying to show you something

That you get to ask yourself what is this showing me or trying to teach me

And is there something I need to give myself permission to want?

And then follow it with what action can you do that will bring you one step on the right path towards hushing that green monster living inside of you

It’s fuel and it’s nothing to be ashamed of as long as you can change the narrative to seeing it as something useful and as fuel to move forward instead of something that is eating you alive and causing you to spiral about how much of a fuck up your life is

The other side of jealousy is like having a nasty older sibling who makes you feel like you’re a piece of crap that will never amount to anything or are not capable of success

It does make you feel like you’re behind if you’re seeing other people’s accomplishments that you also want for yourself but have yet to achieve

It also invites your brain to tell stories about yourself that aren’t helping you take action, but actually having the opposite effect…. Keeping you paralyzed from doing anything

These stories make you feel small and when you’re small you’re unable to take risks because your resiliency muscle is super weak

So instead you sit and sulk, you live in the land of no, and you perpetuate this vicious cycle that it’s not possible for you

If you’re not careful, jealousy will switch your brain from being in a place of gratitude to scarcity where you’re focusing on what you’re lacking or missing from your life as a result of seeing someone else have it in there life

And it can make you resent people you love, like how at first I did resent my best friend for a bit and would get really frustrated when she would claim to be on my same dating level

She was easily achieving what I was working so hard to create for myself

But here’s the best part of jealousy… when you see someone else have something, do something, or achieve something.. It doesn’t mean it’s not possible for you

It really means that it’s proof that it is possible

You just have to be willing to see it in that light

That this other person is leading by example of what you are also capable of doing, being, having, and achieving

It’s a sense of competition, healthy competition that is pushing you to do more and be more because you want more

But if you don’t catch yourself before you hit your downward spiral you’re only going to view jealousy as a compare and despair type situation

Where you do look around and see what everyone else is up to versus what you’re not up to and then throw yourself a pity party as a result

Or not even what you’re not up to but more so what you’re not able to create for yourself… yet

I think we can all very much relate to comparing our chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 20 and then feeling behind or frustrated as a result

Like I had a friend who was starting her own networking group and she looked at another woman who started one 2 years prior and felt frustrated that she didn’t have as big as a turnout as this other person

I had to remind her that this person was two years in the making and at the time, my friend was about 2 months in the making

You might not be guilty of doing that with networking groups but what about wanting to speed up how your relationship is progressing because the people around you are further along, what about wanting to improve your body, what about wanting to make more money.. 

You can fill in your own examples of where you want your life to progress to where you see someone else’s life to be

Your twenties feel like a race with no clear finish line… and I don’t even think it stops in your twenties but will prevail throughout several different parts of your life.. The parts of your life that you’re feeling insecure about

Jealousy convinces you that you’re losing this race. But you’re not. You’re just on a different lap. And sometimes, what looks like someone’s win is just a different life path entirely.

So let your jealousy inspire curiosity and fill in this blank for yourself: ‘I’m jealous of ___ because they have ___, and I think it means ___ about me.’

Because what this will do, once you fill that in for yourself, is remind you of your own belief systems that are not helping you achieve your goals

And these goals could be tangible ones like relationships or career paths or your body, but they can also be about the hidden things like confidence, ambition, whatever helps you feel more free in the life you currently feel trapped by

It’ll highlight where you’re holding yourself back because of your own negative thoughts that develop this story in your mind of what you can’t do or what you’re doing wrong

When in reality, you’re not giving yourself the chance to do yourself right

But it’s okay to want more or something different for yourself as long as it’s something that you truly want and not something you feel you’re supposed to do or achieve by society’s standards or your mom barking in your ear or what you see online

I’m giving you permission to want more but it’s up to you to take the action required to receive it

But overall, jealousy is a good thing.. It’s a gateway into what’s important to you and what you need to work on

So hopefully by now you’re able to view jealousy as a positive and use it to your advantage from this point on

But this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something so if you liked what you heard, if you learned something new either about yourself or about jealousy, then please share this episode, send it to a friend, post it on social media and tag me when you do so I can see it and express my gratitude

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode