Episode 5: Making Friends in Your Twenties

Welcome back to how to twenty something! Another week means another episode and today we are going to talk about creating your community of people in a new city where you don’t know anyone besides your coworkers, or worse, you’re fully remote and literally have no in-person human contact

This episode is going to discuss the importance of having a sense of community, how you can make friends in your twenties, and the different types of friends you’ll make during this time

And remember, if you have a topic you want me to make an episode about, have a question you want me to answer on the show, or have a story that you want to talk to other twenty somethings about as in be a guest on here, please check the show notes for the link to submit your responses accordingly

I’m also excited to announce my next workshop called Love it or Leave it where I am going to help you make a decision that is logical and in alignment with your heart; afterall, align is the fourth pillar in my Own Your Life System! Love it or Leave it will help you decide if you should stay and change a situation to make you love it or if it’s time for you to leave it and this can be in regards to anything from relationships to locations to careers and everything in between

This workshop will take place for an hour on zoom on Monday, July 31st at 8pm EST, is completely free, and you can claim your spot right now by clicking the link in the show notes or going to jessdiamondcoaching.com/decisionmaking

Now, back to the podcast, this episode goes to all of my fellow twenty somethings who just moved to a new city for a new job or all of your friends slowly moved away and now you feel like you’re starting from scratch

Either way, you are fresh to the friend scene for whatever reason and no one knows who you are or what your story is and you also don’t really know how to go about making friends and building up your new community

While this may feel like a very lonely time for you, I want to make sure that you know you’re not alone in this experience, this is a very normal feeling as not everyone moves to a new city with their best friend and has someone to go do things with and meet other people with

I remember, my first job out of college put me in a city where I didn’t know anyone and my in-person job was in a small satellite office so my only coworker was a 65 year old man named Nick who worked part time

Clearly, it was a less than ideal situation for meeting people, so I’m going to share what I did to make friends during that period of my life and coach you as to how you can apply some tactics to your life

I want to begin with stating there is nothing wrong with going on bumble bff or in a facebook group for your city and making friends that way, but there is a more organic way to meet people that I’m going to share with you

And for those of you who don’t know this about me, I am very introverted so if I can do it, I believe you can too

After all, humans are social creatures, we need regular, meaningful interactions with people otherwise we can slip into a depressive state and potentially get stuck in our sorrows and loneliness

And I want to help decrease the likelihood of that happening so I’m going to help you gain your courage and put on your adulting pants and make friends!

Whenever I think about making friends my brain goes to the high school musical scene where Gabriella tells troy that meeting him was just like in Kindergarten, where you immediately start playing with someone and you didn’t have to be anyone but yourself and after 10 minutes you’re best friends

It seemed so easy as a kid, but in reality it’s because you were seeing the same people at the same time every day whether it was in sports or in the classroom – so you also had limited options as to who you were going to talk to

I remember the first friend I made in Kindergarten, her name was Rebecca and she came in late one day so she caught my attention and when she joined everyone else on the rainbow carpet I went up to her and simply asked if she wanted to be friends

She said yes and we were little besties for the next 3 years

Similar patterns occurred with each new school year where I had different and new people consistently showing up in my life all the way through high school, where it also expanded into clubs and sports.

College made things a little more challenging as you were no longer surrounded by the same faces all the time and were in these massive lecture halls where you probably sat next to a new person every time; unless you had your unassigned assigned seats

So the main way to make friends in college was to join a club or a sport or greek life where you were once again put in a smaller container making it easier to see people on a regular basis and become friends with them

Then you enter the adult world and your small container is your job, and while there’s nothing wrong with having your coworkers as your friends, you probably don’t want to party with them on a Saturday night and then see them Monday morning and relive your hangxiety all over again

Which means you need to force yourself into other containers to meet people that you could potentially develop friendships with

For starters, I think the easiest way to make friends with people around your age is to live in an area that supports that demographic – even if it means having a bitch of a commute to work

That first job that I had out of school was a 30 mile commute from where I chose to live because it was out in Celebration, Florida, which if you don’t know Florida geography it’s about an exit past Disney in the middle of nowhere and the only people that live over there are families, old people, or Disney adults and employees and there’s nothing wrong with Disney adults, it’s just not my interest meaning there would be a weird disconnect with something someone is so passionate about

So I decided to live in downtown Orlando and drive 30 miles to and from work every day on i-4 so my free time on the weekends would be surrounded by people in their twenties

My second job had more coworkers and was closer to where I lived, but I was 7 years younger than the next person closest to my age for the first year that I worked there, then they hired a girl who was a year older than me

Basically, I had to learn to make my own friends and that’s what I’m going to share with you how to do!

A lot of people don’t know different things you can access to be put in a large, but contained group of people around your age also looking to make friends and I want to preface this by saying each city is different, so the things I mention might not be the same experience everywhere but hopefully it gets your brain juices flowing for what you can find in your own city, you just have to do some of your own digging

I’m going to share the resources I used in Orlando and now what I use in Charlotte which is where I moved to a little over a year ago, only this move was by choice and to a friend that I had in college

Let’s go back in time to my first adult job in a city where I didn’t know anyone

Once I felt a little more in routine with my new adulting schedule with balancing my health, long ass commute, and full time job, I used meetup, which is a website and an app for connecting people with common interests, 

And I searched for young professional networking groups in my area, found young professionals of Orlando and then went to the happy hour events that were posted

Because that’s the real kicker, you have to actually go to things AND talk to people there

Yes it’s scary, yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it could even be slightly embarrassing to show up alone, but you have to just rip the bandaid off and go do it

Take a deep breath, keep your chin up, and find a person to talk to who is probably also by themselves and looking for a friend

Trust me, it’s not as bad as you’re imagining it to be

And that’s a common concept with anything in life, be like Nike, and just do it

And if it didn’t go so well then you can apply the concepts from episode 1 and take it as a learning experience, grow from it, and see what you need to change to have a better experience next time

Meetup is a great place to start and search for the things that interest you or the people you want to be around

I remember going to my first meetup happy hour event, and I walked right to the bar and ordered a drink where I was standing next to a group of twenty somethings and one of them was contributing to the conversation where my bold self chimed in and made a sarcastic comment to whatever he said

And just like that I was brought into this circle of people and met my first adult friend, Kevin

We exchanged numbers and then he invited me to something else and I went, because remember you have to keep going to things, you have to be consistent with the people you meet in order for them to get to know you better and vice versa and decide if you want to be friends

Kevin ended up introducing me to many other people in Orlando, so I really only had to do the work of meeting this one person and got lucky that he was well known and well connected in this city

A few months into living in Orlando, I decided to try another way to make friends and that was joining kickball through the city

This is a low athletic way to meet people on your team and places you in that lovely consistent container that meets every week which is what we just determined to be the best way to make friends

You don’t have to pick kickball, or any sport if you’re extremely unathletic, but you can find art classes, book clubs, walking groups or something of the like to join that meets regularly

This is where the big message of today’s episode is going to come from and that is go to events in your areas or participate in activities that are of interest to you

Then you’ll immediately have something in common with all of the other people who are also showing up

But you have to regularly show up, block that day and time on your schedule so you can go as often as you’re able to

The people I met during kickball ended up being amazing people who supported me through my career transition and ended up being so valuable to my life and I know they’re listening to this podcast as they continue to show their support for me and my business even after I moved away

And our kickball season didn’t even get to finish because covid happened halfway through, yet I still developed meaningful relationships in such a short time because I went to as many kickball games as my schedule allotted

Covid definitely put a halt to making more friends and once the world started opening back up my life switched into being consumed by growing my business having a job and personal training on the side, so my social life was my temporary sacrifice and I was okay with that as I had a new in person job with great people and my weekends were designated times to rest and prepare for the upcoming week

Once I moved to Charlotte, I’ll admit I took the easy way out, by joining a friend with an already established friend group

It’s why I chose to move to this city, he looked like he was having a great time and I wanted to have a great time too, but I was also determined to make friends outside of his so I didn’t feel like I was leaching onto his group

I met my first friend through Facebook, because like I said at the beginning of this episode, there is nothing wrong with using Facebook or Bumble BFF to find some friends

I also looked at ways to get involved with my community, I started up as a trainer at f45 a month into me moving and went to a walking group that met every Sunday called Charlotte Girls Who Walk

The friend that I met on Facebook invited me to a free outdoor bootcamp that she went to and now she is actually in charge of and I said yes to going and yes, actually went and continued to go for several months, and that is Charlotte Fitfam – which if you live in Charlotte it meets every Thursday at 6pm at Hopfly just bring a mat or a towel

But, are you starting to see a pattern here?

I’m repeatedly going to the same things with the same people because that is how you make friends

Fast forward to a year later I am a member of Charlotte’s Young Professionals Group, a personal trainer at two different gyms, met people at the pool of my apartment, go to Charlotte Girls Who Walk when my schedule allows and even had two speaking events with them, and follow several different Charlotte social instagrams so I can see what events they are doing where I can meet even more people

Yes, my friend from college introduced me to amazing people, four of which have moved into my close circle of trust, but my friend making didn’t end there

My introverted self has found ways to meet new people, one person at a time, and I continued to stick around so I got to know them better and they got know me better too

It’s important to add that when you get invited somewhere by someone new, aka a potential friend, say yes and actually commit to that yes

I don’t care if your extroverted self agreed and then when the time came your introverted self showed up, you need to persevere through and go anyways

You do not want to become the person who is unreliable to their word

You should always work to give a firm yes and a flaky no

So, when you’re invited to do something, say yes

Unless it’s something you absolutely 100% don’t want to do, in that case say no thank you but offer up a different plan on a different day!!

Do not say no and then leave it at that thinking they’ll invite you somewhere else the next time

Because no one likes rejection and you saying no without offering up an alternative plan is a form of rejection – even if you aren’t rejecting them as a person, just the plans they invited you to, it will still be received in that manor and could dissuade them from inviting you to something else in the future

So to recap how to make friends after college: find events or activities or groups that you’ve interested in and fits your demographic and consistently go to these things and talk to people

Now, as you go on this friend making journey you’ll come to realize that people are going to rotate through your life depending on what phase of adulthood you’re in

As Brian Chalker said, and I was reminded of it by my colleague, Sherry, not too long ago: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and it’s interesting to see where each of these people land as time progresses

Some will show up to guide you to something new or give you a realization about your life or situation

Some will stick around for a bit longer, I refer to this as a season or phase in your life that is brought by growth and fun times but for one reason or another the friendship comes to an end

And finally, some will be there no matter what, these are your friends until the end even if you’re on opposite sides of the country like I’m on the east coast and two of my lifetime friends live on the west coast

You may even think you’ve made a lifetime friend, but somewhere down the road you realize they were meant to be in your life for various seasons and not for forever

And actually, a few months ago, I had a friend come into my life for a reason and he brought an important reminder to my attention which shortly after was really important for me to acknowledge and that is to not get stuck in your circle

Yes, build your community and circle of trust, but don’t let that limit you from trying new experiences and meeting new people

Just like Barney would say, make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and the other is gold

I was reminded of the message I’m relaying to you back in March when I met some new people at the gym and they invited me to dance salsa and bachata with them as they are part of a dance company and I quickly said no as that is so far out of my comfort zone

The universe, however, had other plans, because a day after I said no, I got a text from one of my clients with a video of her salsa dancing where she said “I just took a salsa class and it was so much fun,” so I told her the wild coincidence that just happened and she actually encouraged me to give it a try

So the next time I saw these guys at the gym, which was literally the following week, I inquired about it AND I WENT

The best thing is that this reminded me to not be afraid to try new things that make you wildly uncomfortable, in a good way, and when I get uncomfortable I laugh, uncontrollably

So I told Angel, which is one of the guys from the gym who was teaching me bachata, to be prepared for some uncomfortable laughter and he didn’t understand until my laughing started

Going to this dance class and then out dancing with a group of them that weekend, was sending me the message that I’ve been stuck where I’m comfortable and to not forget there are other people and experiences I’m sheltering myself off to as a result

My friends didn’t miss the fact that I disappeared for the night and went dancing, in fact when I saw them the next day one of them was like man we went to the same bars and had the same Saturday night out as always and you did something new and cool

Shortly after this experience I came to find out that my so called circle of friends was not my circle at all, I was simply part of someone else’s circle, but Angel unintentionally reminded me to be open to different communities and experiences so that I could go off and build my actual circle

Again, by going to things that I enjoy or wouldn’t kill me, being open to new people, and saying yes when I was invited somewhere by someone unless I had a prior commitment

I see in Facebook groups all the time that people moved here however many months ago and still havent found a friend, yet they haven’t even tried going to things they are interested in and talking to people while there

Sometimes, actually, most times, you’re the one that needs to take the initiative and extend an invite to someone new that has the potential of becoming a friend

And it might take them several invites to say yes to you if they haven’t listened to this podcast episode, so remember that and be patient

Every no is leading you towards your yes

And besides, you should want to have different friends for different activities that you enjoy, rather than putting all of your eggs in one basket

I have friends for rock climbing, brunch, doing something active, having a game night, going to the bars, going to the gym and everything in between

Your ability to make friends is in your hands and it does take some work, persistency, and consistency to develop

But get involved in your area, go to things that you enjoy in person, and talk to people!!

One of my clients once told me that she asks funny questions to see if she wants to be friends with a person and they were things like how do you eat an oreo or how do you eat string cheese

And if the person answered weirdly or if the person even made her feel insecure for asking these kinds of questions, then she knew right away this isn’t a friend for her

So go out there and ask people your versions of these questions or something simple like how long they’ve lived in whatever city you live in to get the conversation going

But you are probably going to have to take charge and get the conversation started and if you guys hit it off ask for their number

This is like a sales tactic, if the person walks away with your info then it’s on them to remember to text you, but if you have theirs then you are in control of getting in contact with them

So yes even my fellow introverts, you can do this, find one person who is by themselves and ask them a question

Get the ball rolling and before you know it you’ll have many friends that have the potential to move into your circle of trust

And if you need help building up your confidence, I’m always here, part of what I do as a life and nutrition coach is help you get your shit together, gain your confidence, and own your life

Together we can build you up to things that make you uncomfortable, in a  good way, and find your community of people

If you want to take me up on a conversation about potentially working together you can always book a road to success call with me where the link will be in the show notes, it’s free and you’ll gain some insight on things you want to improve on about yourself and what might be holding you back from you feeling like you’re living your best life

But that’s all I have for getting you started on making friends in your twenties

If you like what you heard please share this episode with others, rate it 5 stars, leave a comment, and hit subscribe, and don’t forget to check the show notes for all the links you may need like signing up for Love it or Leave it

And I’ll be in your headphones again next week with a brand new episode