Get Unplugged

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s episode is all about you and your relationship to your phone

Since the creation of the iPhone, our relationship to our devices has basically created a choke hold on us

Yes there are so many benefits to these advances in technology, but there are so many detriments too

And if you’re anything like me, then you have some kind of addiction to your phone, social media, scrolling, and essentially being distracted and constantly stimulated

It’s destroying your life and you don’t even realize it

I was actually having a conversation with Ryan about phones when I was already creating this episode topic and we realized see our phones very differently

Now, i plan these episodes far in advance so know that we’ve already talked this through and many many weeks have gone by

By he sees the phone as what comes first takes priority 

Meaning if someone is on their phone that takes priority over someone in the room trying to have a conversation providing said person was on their phone prior to the other person speaking

And I see it as the opposite

The phone is the back burner to the real in person interaction trying to take place

And truthfully, I think his view is completely and totally wrong outside of work related phone usage or a friend needing help

But in terms of scrolling social media or reading a reddit post, the phone is secondary to in person

In person is real, it’s connection based, it’s important

Your phone is fake, even when you’re talking to someone real or viewing someone’s real life… it is artificial connection that can in no way shape or form replace in person

If the pandemic taught us anything, it was that

The virtual world is not supposed to be this accessible!!

So it’s time we talk about why you absolutely should take a step back from your handheld device and get unplugged

My relationship with my phone became very apparent when I first became self employed

And i see this a lot in my clients who are fresh college grads that don’t have a full time job yet or clients who are recently unemployed

For me, when I first left my job and moved to Charlotte, I would wake up and stay in bed scrolling for at least an hour, that’s how I started my day every day

And about 2 months in I realized how unhelpful this was so i started to charge my phone in the kitchen every night

So when I go to sleep, I’m not on it for the last hour of my day

And when I woke up I would go get ready for my day and give myself a 20 minute gap between waking up and viewing my phone and I most certainly would not bring it back into my bed

Except for on the weekends, if I had no morning plans I would treat myself with bed phone time

And don’t get me wrong, at first I would feel so anxious having my phone charging in a different room

With no explanation as to why aside from it being something new and uncomfortable since I was so used to having it charge right next to me

And then it got easier, and became normal

And actually influenced one of my first talks I ever gave called I broke up with my phone and why you should too

That minimal separation alone was a game changer and completely shifted how I relate to my phone and how damaging phone usage is to every aspect of your life

Your focus, productivity levels, inner thoughts, actions, getting your day going.. All the things

I had a client who I worked with last year and she told me she has to be on her phone for the first hour of the day to wake up

Now, I didn’t tell her this, but BULL-SHIT no you don’t, you literally don’t and honestly shouldn’t be on your phone to help you wake up

That’s not a thing, that is a relationship to your device that you developed and is now a habit

The good news? Habits can change, and you should absolutely work to change that habit with your phone because it is destroying you

Now, with creating this episode, i want to make it very clear that my ways are not perfect, my relationship to my phone isn’t perfect, my screen time hovers around 4 hours a day, i’ll find myself taking my phone out and scrolling tiktok while i’m on a walk, or in between ads on hulu, or even in conjunction with a show playing in the background

I also no longer charge my phone in the kitchen, but I am up and out of the house within 15 minutes of waking up so i’m not usually sitting and scrolling on a given weekday

So what I have been doing is starting to challenge myself to spend less time with my phone when doing activities that don’t really require it

Examples being when I lift weights, i’ll try to go through at least half the workout without headphones

Or when I go for a walk, I try to make one of my walks on a nonlifting day without my phone

I understand that might be scary for you to do based on where you live, so maybe it’s putting your phone on airplane mode or something so you aren’t bothered or tempted by it when on a walk

But we need to start to unplug for more minutes of the day than just when our eyes are shut

And before you give me any pushback.. Hear me out

Let’s talk about what this is actually doing to you, because I don’t think most people realize the full scope and damage that occurs with being so accessible to the entire world and constantly stimulated

According to research, the average adult spends 7.5 hours a day in front of a screen for leisure

So that’s not sitting in front of your computer at work, it’s all of the time after that

My tedx talk had additional research that stated people who are on social media for more than 2 hours a day have double the odds of reporting increased perception of social isolation, compared to those who were on social media for less than 30 minutes a day

And I know we’re all guilty of scrolling for more than 30 minutes a day

Your screen time is directly linked to negative thought patterns, lower sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction, sleep issues, increased stress and anxiety, cardiovascular dysfunction, depression, and overall decline in cognitive performances

This is not me being dramatic, this is the truth

Stress, anxiety, depression, and sleep issues alone are extremely apparent in my clients and has only continued to increase with the young a twenty-something is that I work with

And some tactics i’ve implemented with clients is password protecting their apps after a certain time of day and making a friend set the password, or turning off notifications from an app that induces anxiety

But in actuality, you need to learn to separate your in person life from the virtual world

Because every time you open your phone you are giving the green light for your brain to compare you to everyone

Even people you don’t know!

I hope i’m not dating myself when I say this but instagram used to stop when you were all caught up on your feed based on the people you followed

Now, I’ll get some random ass person celebrating their engagement as the very first thing I see and for a second I’m staring hard at my screen asking myself: do I even know this person?

I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again, but your phone contains everyone’s highlight reel

Their vacations, relationships, bodies, success, all curated for the public eye

I know someone who was celebrating their two year anniversary and posted a cute celebratory outing with her boyfriend, when they were actually going through a break up

Guys, it’s all fake

But your brain does not register that, all it registers is your actual life compared to the deception being portrayed online

So not only is your mental health deteriorating, but your focus and productivity is as well

Every notification, buzz, ding, scroll, quick check, even phantom notifications all of that is training your brain to crave constant stimulation

Which means the moment something in your life requires sustained focused such as a work project, reading a book, or god forbid sitting still with your thoughts, now become the hardest tasks to do because your brain is begging for a distraction

Phones have trained our brains to be unable to be bored

We see it with ipad kids

And boredom isn’t the enemy, boredom inspires creativity and clarity

There was a study done that I read in the book Do Hard Things and it said they asked participants to sit alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes and if they needed help passing the time they could shock themselves

Yup, you heard that right, SHOCK THEMSELVES

And one participant shocked himself 190 times in the 15 minutes just so he wouldn’t have to be alone with his thoughts

The next problem is what I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, it’s your relationships

Like, how many times have you been at dinner with someone and one or both of you were on your phones or glancing at your phone every few minutes

Or how about, when was the last time you ate a meal by yourself without a phone in site? That one is uncomfortable, but you should really give it a try

Your relationships are worsening because you think you’re being present by physically being in the room, but you’re not actually there, you are where your attention is.. In another world that exists in your phone

This is the point I made to Ryan when it came to his relationship to his phone and what it does to our relationship

And truthfully, it’s rude to be on your phone when you’re with someone else

You’re sending this silent signal that this device and the worlds that live in it is more important than the current reality that has you in it

It sounds so harsh, but it’s exactly what’s happening

So put all of these things together and you’ve got shitty mental health, an inability to focus, and relationships that are quietly eroding

All from the thing in your hand that feels so harmless but is dictating your entire life 

And if all of this is true and you’re finally getting your wake up call or maybe you already know these things to be true, then why can’t we all just stop

Why can’t we all collectively put our phones down and be happier and more present in our life?

Well, it’s because it’s not that easy and I get that

The apps on your phone, all of them, are designed to be addictive

There are literally teams of people whose job it is to study your psychology, usage, and habits and then engineer features that keep you scrolling 

Just like instagrams update

And now we have for you pages where content is constantly being updated to fit your needs and interests

So now you have infinite scrolling, custom feeds, and notifications that draw you back in

Baasically, you don’t have a willpower problem, this is a design problem

You’re responding in the exact way these teams have intended you too

So you’re not weak for struggling to separate yourself from your phone, you’re just a victim to a technologically advanced system

And since we’ve been using our phones for well over a decade, I mean I got my first iphone in 2010 for reference, it’s a habit that is very tough to break

We used to just sit around, stare at things, read the magazines when waiting to check out or the back of shampoo bottles when taking a poop

Now, even a few seconds without stimulation feels unbearable 

Be honest, do you think you could go take a poop without your phone? Or wait in a line, or in a waiting room at your next doctor’s appointment?

I didn’t think so

Maybe you could give it a try next time though because that’s how you start to rebuild your tolerance

Another reason as to why it’s so hard to just stop being on your phone so often is from the fear of missing something important

Whether that is a text, an email, a piece of news, or just what is happening in everyone else’s life

Your brain has convinced you that stepping away means you’re a bad friend, irresponsible, or might miss something that actually matters

When in reality, it’s just noise that feels urgent in the moment

The last piece as to why it’s so hard to stop is actually highlighted in an entirely different episode called what your coping mechanism says about you

It’s how you numb out, relax, or avoid

You think your phone is giving you relief, and yet you feel more anxious when you put your phone back down than when you did when you initially picked it up 

So getting unplugged isn’t just about screen time, it’s about being willing to sit with whatever your phone is helping you to avoid

And it’s possible you’re not ready for that yet, so let’s go over some easy practices you can begin implementing today

Some of which I’ve already mentioned, like going on an unplugged walk

Leave your phone and headphones at home, grab your keys and maybe your mace if you feel safer with it, and go for a walk

If it helps, go for color walk where you pick a color before you set out on your walk and try to find all the things that have that color in it

Just don’t pick something like green because then you’ll get bored very fast

The second thing you can do is adjust your notifications

I personally can’t relate to the notification thing because I’ve been on do not disturb ever since my phone blasted out on the first day of 6th grade in ms verenes class and had my phone confiscated after turning on in my backpack and my ringtone blared an earlier message

But if you’re someone with every notification turned on, whether it buzzes or not, you need to cut back

Maybe just have text messages on and depending on our line of work have work messages on

But you don’t need political updates that second, you don’t need instagram or facebook, or linkedin, or your gmail, or your game is ready for you to play, or anything 

You don’t have to jump right into do not disturb, but you do need to find ways to cut back whether it’s certain hours of the day you’re on do not disturb or certain apps have notifications disabled

The third thing you can do is create physical distance between you and your phone

Whether it’s what I used to do with charging my phone in the kitchen or it’s keeping your phone in another room so you don’t mindlessly reach for it all the time

Out of sight out of mind is a real thing and will do wonders for your focus

Ryan will take his watch off and put his phone away when we sit down for dinner because of how distracting his notifications are and how much i despise it lol

And yes i’m slowly weaning him off of his phone, whether he knows it or not

But that also goes for your smart watch

Turn it all off, it’ll still be there when you check the notifications drop down but it won’t be going off the second something pops up

That’s also why i love do not disturb

The way i think about it is I want to choose when i look at my phone i don’t want my phone to choose when i look at it

And do not disturb gives me the power to check when i please versus be summoned

Lastly, set limits with social media

Either give yourself time windows as to when you can graze or set time limits on the apps so you are conscious of how much time you just spent scrolling

So, now you have a lot of information and action to take with you

I gave you studies as to why it’s destroying your life, a breakdown as to what’s happening underneath the surface, and easy actionable steps that you can choose from to begin separating yourself

Or in other words: get unplugged

But here’s the bottom line

Your phone is not going anywhere, neither is social media, neither is endless scrolling designed to keep your eyes glued to the screen

That being said, you get to decide how much power it has over your life

And right now, your phone holds so much power over you

The anxiety you feel, the inability to sit in silence for five minutes with your thoughts, being in the virtual world more than the physical world, none of that is normal

Just because something is common, does not mean it’s good

And this is in no way good, it’s just what normal has become

So it’s up to you to go and get unplugged

Because i promise you, the discomfort you feel when putting your phone away is nothing compared to the life you’ll be able to build as a result

The life that’s happening now, in this room, with these people in this moment

Not the life that’s happening on line

So do yourself a favor and get unplugged, even if it’s just for a few minutes a day

Do something that helps you create the divide between you and the digital world

And that my friends is how i’m going to leave this episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who could afford to detach from their phone a bit, then please share this episode

Post it on your story, send it to a friend, give me a 5 star rating, just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode