What your coping mechanism says about you

We’re back with another episode of how to twenty-something where I’m going to continue on the trend of calling some of y’all out and this week it’s about your coping mechanisms.. And what they say about you

I feel like when we hear the words coping mechanisms we typically think of bad ones like drugs and alcohol, but really there is quite the variety that I want to run through from very bad to good ones 

With the hopes that you start substituting your bad ones for the less bad ones

Because that is a massive part of changing a habit that people often overlook… you need to replace your bad habit with something else

Something that still gives your brain that pleasure sense and dopamine hit but is better for you and the goals you’re after

Otherwise, there is absolutely nothing enticing you to change your ways

Because why would anyone give up something that is currently providing them with a sense of relief for nothing or for something that requires work

But this episode is an overview of different, common coping mechanisms, what’s destroying you whether you know it or not, and what you can do instead

So let’s get into it

Similar to how I began last week’s episode with defining quick fixes, I’m going to break down exactly what a coping mechanism is

Coping mechanisms are anything you do, whether it’s on a subconscious or conscious level, to handle your stress, discomfort, unwanted emotions, or difficult situations

It’s either for soothing purposes or for avoiding purposes and are designed as a tool for survival

And they exist on a spectrum where some are actually healthy!

Now, the first coping mechanism I want to run through and, in my opinion, is the worst one because it’s the most normalized is alcohol

Yup, alcohol

If you need to crack open a drink after a long day to unwind or relax, alcohol is your coping mechanism.

If you don’t want to go out to a bar unless you’re drinking, alcohol is your coping mechanism.

If you receive bad news, feel stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, or anxious—and alcohol is your go-to to take the edge off—then yes, alcohol is your coping mechanism.

And before you get defensive, this isn’t about whether you drink occasionally. It’s about why you’re drinking.

Here’s what alcohol as a coping mechanism says about you: 

It says that you never learned how to self soothe in a healthy way

You’re probably someone who lives in high stressed state, constantly on the go, under a lot of pressure, and overstimulated

So alcohol is your go to crutch to calming your system down and are outsourcing your relaxation techniques

Alcohol is filling the gap on your own emotional regulation abilities

Now what I’m not saying is you should never drink again, but what I am saying is it’s time to stop and ask yourself why you’re reaching for the drink and what can you do instead that also gives you the same sense of relief

Alcohol works because it’s fast so now you’re dependent on it which means now it’s time to explore what else works fast for you.. 

Like screaming in the car before you walk inside your house or apartment to let off some steam and get some release through your body

Next up is drugs

We’re talking cocaine, weed, shrooms, cigarettes and any other substance you can think of 

These are all examples of external regulators where you’re not trying to sit with or figure out what’s bothering you, but rather your only focus is changing this feeling right now

And now you’re using these extra chemicals to help you deal with your life, instead of letting your brain produce what is rightfully needed in that moment

So this isn’t even about finding the willpower to stop, it’s about finding other ways to receive support

And what I find the most funny about drugs is that we were drilled as kids to say no to drugs as though people would be offering them to us for free on a regular basis

Y’all drugs are expensive, and yet it is a lot of twenty-somethings go to coping mechanism and then you complain about not having enough money

People use drugs in a similar way to alcohol because they are a quick and easy way to avoid the problems and emotions at hand

However, if you use drugs to cope then you are someone trying to escape your reality.. Not just to relax or numb out but fully leave to another planet

Drugs become the fastest way to change how you feel without having to understand why you feel that way.

So instead of having this mechanism be a different way to emotionally regulate, you’re prohibiting that development from happening at all

Next on the list of bad coping mechanisms that every single one of us is guilty of is doom scrolling and I would say binge watching tv falls under this same category

You delay your responsibilities for quick hits of dopamine in the form of entertainment

You’ll get off the couch in 5 minutes, stay in bed for just two videos more, and you and I both know you’re lying to yourself when you do that

Because it’s rarely ever just those five minutes or 2 videos

Instead you’re decreasing your attention span and filling your time with brain rot

And don’t worry I’m right there with you

I put an hour timer on scrolling on tiktok to keep me accountable to my endless scrolling

And that hour isn’t an hour straight either.. It’s over the course of the day

Here’s what it says about you, if this is your go to coping mechanism to fill time or distract yourself

It says you’re mentally exhausted, tired of making decisions, and craving some kind of distraction that doesn’t ask much of you

It’s also used as a tool to avoid

You’d rather scroll than face a task, a conversation, or a feeling

And lastly, you’re bored and you’re using it to fill time since it’s a passive activity

This draw to doom scroll is really because your brain is overstimulated and under-rested

Unfortunately it’s not the turn your brain off tactic you think it is.. It’s actually keeping you in a low level state of anxiety while convincing you you’re relaxing

Try picking up a book or going for a walk instead 

If food is your coping mechanism, as in you reach for food when you’re sad, mad, happy, anxious, bored and any other emotion then you are seeking comfort, safety or control

Food is comfort it’s why there is literally the term: comfort food and it’s a different type of sensory stimulus that does help calm your brain and body down

It’s because you don’t know how to self-regulate your own emotions to soothe yourself from the stress, loneliness, sadness, or boredom you’re experiencing

If your parent ever gave you food to shut you up as a kid then there is a really good chance this is your coping mechanism

And similar to drugs, it actually has nothing to do with willpower, willpower is the type of food you gravitate towards 

But using it to cope is more emotional than anything

If you’ve heard of emotional eaters or you know you are one, then welcome, this is your coping mechanism

However, when food is your emotional regulator your damaging your own hunger cues and probably hating your body in the process

Since you’re eating when you’re not actually hungry

When I had an office job I was a known bored eater so I made sure I had access to a lot of healthy snack options 

Food is so accessible it’s almost impossible to avoid it when you are feeling some type of discomfort

There are so many palette pleasing effects that come with eating different foods that it really does serve as an automatic way to calm your system down

So if you find yourself in this category, drink some water and go for a walk and then if you’re still thinking of food for a sense of comfort, surround yourself with healthy options

Otherwise you’ll be finding yourself back at the vending machine and regretting your choices later on

Moving right along to a less negative coping mechanism, but still not a great one is sleeping

When you choose to go to sleep instead of facing your life it often means you’re burnt out or overwhelmed

Now I wish I could go to sleep when I was overwhelmed but unfortunately for me it has the opposite effect

Similar to drugs, you are using sleep to escape

You think you’re resting but you’re literally putting yourself into an unconscious state to avoid your life which could be decisions, events, people, or emotions

You convince yourself you’re depleted and need the rest and recovery but you’re really using sleep as a way to cope with what’s going on

Now this is different from being actually exhausted and needing rest like if you had a string of crazy days all in a row

And the way you can tell the difference is the reason behind your sleep

The good thing is going to sleep is definitely better than the other habits like spending money or doing drugs

Speaking of spending money, shopping is also a coping mechanism

You’ve heard of retail therapy

Shopping as a coping mechanism means you’re chasing a quick hit of relief or even your own identity

It’s for if you’re having a moment of low self worth, stress, or overwhelm

And it’s not usually about the item you’re buying, it’s about the relief you’re seeking.. The glimpse of happiness and excitement to hide the negative emotions you’re otherwise experiencing 

I’m not saying you don’t have to go through your favorite brands, but what I am saying is maybe pause for a day or 2 or 3 before hitting check out

Let the feelings simmer down and you might surprise yourself by not actually wanting or needing those items anymore

The last four copping mechanisms I’m going to run through are on the healthier side

With a moderately healthy one as exercise

I know running is my coping mechanism when i’m fuming mad as it helps release the build up of a emotions I’m feeling right then and there

To the point where I feel like I can’t face my problems until I’ve calmed myself down and this is a healthy way to cope with big emotions

However, you can abuse exercise if you’re coping as a way of self torture or when you’re in a fight with your body

So yes it is definitely a healthy outlet for stress and regulating your emotions but it can also be unhealthy when you’re using it to gain a sense of control

Like if you panic or feel stress when you miss a workout or if you’re feeling fat and need to punish yourself

So instead of being something supportive it now becomes a method of avoidance 

I think a good way to determine if this is your coping mechanism, since it is one of the sneakier ones, is sitting with yourself when you take a few days off of working out

Can you skip a workout and not feel like you’re losing your mind or guilty?

I know I used to go crazy if I didn’t workout that day and it would largely stem from the fear of getting fat

I took exercise to the extreme and justified it as being healthy when it crossed the line to support my insecurities and not my health

Which I guess you could argue that supporting my insecurities does help my mental health but it does so without getting to the root of how I was taking care of myself

And coping mechanisms fall into the category of quick fixes so getting to the root is obviously not top of mind right then and there

Alright, these last three that I’m going to discuss are the healthiest coping mechanisms out there, they are cleaning, journaling, and talking things out

If you’re someone who cleans to cope then you are trying to create external order to calm internal chaos

This is when your thoughts feel messy or out of control or if you’re trying to avoid another task so you clean to feel productive when really you’re procrastinating what actually needs to get done

However, you are still cleaning a messy environment and they say your environment is a reflection on your brain and how you feel so an orderly place will start to let your brain take order and tackle other important tasks one at a time

Which is why this isn’t such a bad coping mechanism to have

If you’re go to way to cope with your thoughts and feelings is to journal then you are someone who wants to look inward and understand your problems instead of trying to outrun them

You have a high level of emotional maturity and awareness.. So long as you don’t ruminate on what you write and over-analyze your thoughts rather than feel into them

Journaling slows thinking down and creates clarity so you can work through what’s bothering you

I know I turn to journaling when I have persistent thoughts I can’t shake and once I write it out the thoughts stop repeating 

So if you’re overwhelmed and diving into your spiral then grab a pen and paper and get to writing

Write out what you’re obsessing about and you’ll find that your thoughts start to become much easier to manage

And lastly, if talking things out is your coping mechanism then you are someone who knows you don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone

You are someone who values connection, different perspectives, and external processes for your emotions

This is one of the strongest coping mechanisms, but it only works well if you are talking to someone who makes you feel safe and supported

Humans are social creatures, so leaning into that connection muscle with a close friend or family member helps you release the happy chemicals in your brain and helps you work through your problems knowing you’re not facing them all alone

Which hint hint, this is basically what my tedx talk emphasizes

And we are officially one month out from me giving my talk! If you’re local to Charlotte or want to make the trip to the city, then grab your ticket before they’re sold out by visiting tedxsugarcreekwomen.com 

It’s going to be so good and there are 14 other super interesting talks that will guarantee you walk away feeling inspired and ready to take action in your life

So that maybe your bad coping mechanisms switch to some good ones

I’m sure there are a ton of other coping mechanisms that I didn’t mention so if that’s the case and you didn’t feel called out, then send me an email and tell me what you’re go to coping mechanism is and I will personally tell you what that means about you

I had fun creating this episode, I started asking people what there’s are and they started asking other people because I know we know what we do when we need to self soothe.. We just don’t really talk about it

Since most of the time it airs on the negative side of the spectrum

Which is okay, as long as you also work to include the positive ways to cope too

But life’s hard and you need to learn how to deal with your own thoughts and feelings that doesn’t include irresponsible outlets or shoving them down

And on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, I hope you felt called out and if you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who needs to be called out then please share this episode

Post it to your story, send it to a friend, just do something that helps me reach all of the twenty-somethings out in this world trying to navigate the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode