Being an introvert in an extroverted world

Welcome back to how to twenty-something, where today I’m going to discuss the social dynamics between an introvert and an extrovert

And what I mean by that is introverts and extroverts view the world very differently, neither is bad nor good or better or worse, just different

And I think it’s important to note these differences so we better understand our personality counterparts

Plus it’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone in your introvertedness and I say that because this episode really came to mind as Summer came into full swing and I realized that a lot of what is considered to be ‘normal’ for people in their twenties is really catered to those who balance on the more extroverted side of things

You see, there is a spectrum when it comes to introvert versus extrovert and you can lean more towards one way depending on the situation you are in or fully identify as one over the other in all situations

For example, I am an extreme introvert when i am in the bar scene – I’m uncomfortable, I’m overstimulated, I’m easily drained and the second my social battery runs out I need to go home immediately

Compared to when I’m at either one of my gyms, I am energized, i could be there for hours, I am goofy, and dancing around, and happy, and I find that I don’t need to go home to decompress afterwards

I consider myself to be more on the introverted side because I tend to be in deep thought before contributing to a conversation, some may call it over thinking, but that’s besides the point, I also enjoy my alone time, and I find myself needing to decompress from my day every day

And that’s really the difference between who is an introvert and who is an extrovert – by definition it’s where you get your energy needs from and how you interact with the world around you

But even further let’s break down what an introvert is compared to what an extrovert is

At the surface level an introvert is someone who focuses more on internal thoughts and feelings instead of external stimulation

If you’re an introvert you find energy and comfort in solitude, small groups, and quieter and more peaceful atmospheres

You prefer deep meaningful conversations as a way to fill up your social cup and need downtime to recharge

A common misconception about introverts is that they are shy – not all of them are because shyness is a fear of social judgment while introversion is a preference for less stimulating environments

And to add to that, Introverts are also not anti-social they just don’t care or have a like for large gatherings

The world needs introverts as they are able to provoke deep thoughts and are effective problem solvers as a result, if one of your friends is an introvert you probably find yourself having deeper level conversations with them because they have a keen listening skills

An extrovert, on the other hand, is generally outgoing, energetic, and thrives on social interactions

You probably recognize them as the life of the party, are more talkative, expressive, and enthusiastic

They love social interactions and actually crave it and with that find great joy in meeting new people

Extroverts have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and enjoy networking

They process their thoughts out loud, have strong social skills, and thrive in teamwork centered projects

Common misconceptions about them is that they actually do like their moments of quiet and introspection, they can have deep meaningful conversations, and they don’t constantly need attention or to be the center of attention

Now, I’m going to be straight up and honest, and it’s for the purpose of this episode’s title, and that is: this world was built for extroverts by extroverts

And it can be really tough to be an introvert in an extroverted world because you feel like something is wrong with you, but I want to bring to light that society is gaslighting you

Like I said being an introvert or an extrovert is neither here nor there but it is important for you to know where you stand on that scale and where the world tries to make you feel weird for it so you can catch the gas light in the act and care for yourself and what you need the most to thrive in your world

So let’s get into how this is world catered to extroverts

To begin, let’s’ all have a flashback to your first ever school group project where you and four to six of your classmates are forced to come together and create a project and present the project

So while you probably work best alone or with one other person, here you are being forced to collaborate with people you probably didn’t get to choose

Fast forward to the adulting world and now you’re having to work with multiple different people for multiple different projects

So while yes, group projects do prepare you for the real world and teach you how to work well with others, they never go over well

The extrovert usually does all the talking when you guys come together and hardly lets anyone else get a chance to think and then speak up and this is because the extrovert thinks best out loud

So while an extrovert is thriving, the introverts are hiding 

And remember we need our introverts to contribute to the conversation because of their strength in deep thinking and problem solving

Another common characteristic of working in an office is an open floor plan and cubicles so you’re constantly being surrounded and approached by other people and the only peace and quiet you can create for yourself in this setting is putting in headphones and hoping no one bothers you

Making it that much harder to want to do something after work because you were just overstimulated with less than meaningful conversations for the last 9 hours and you’re ready to lose your mind

Whereas extroverts remain unphased – yes I’m speculating but judging from knowing extroverts they present being unphased

They find great joy and excitement in walking around the office and chatting with others

I was lucky when I had my corporate job because I was in a small room in the back of the office with two other girls around my age and we would have good conversations, quiet time, even movie time while we did our work and I wouldn’t feel completely drained after work

My first job however, gave me too much alone time and zero stimulation because I was alone in a satellite office

So on average, the corporate world is catered to the needs and success of an extrovert with group collaboration, cubicles, and open layouts

I will say an improvement in the corporate world is the little phone booths that have been put in throughout different offices, but even still, you are expected to be at your open layout desk for a majority of the time

And you’re labeled as not a team player or doesn’t work well with others if you lean towards the introverted side of the spectrum and choose to use headphones are sit by yourself

Another large part of the working world is the power of networking and the need to be constantly connecting with other people in your industry

Your network is your net worth.. We know this… but for introverts walking into a networking event is very intimidating, overwhelming, and requires a lot of mental energy and then time to recharge your social battery afterwards

My friend created her own networking group this year, she’s an extrovert clearly, and I go to show my support for her and I’ve met some pretty great people by continuing to show up

At the end of every meeting she’ll say to all of us to go schedule a 1:1 with someone in person to get to know them better which is great for us introverts

But at one of the meetings, I met a girl and while talking it turns out her boyfriend has been coming to my group classes for over a year so we set up a 1:1 and went walking together one day after work

On this walk she was talking about professional networking and how if she meets three people she gives herself a gold start of the event

And I said if I meet one person I give myself a gold start

And then further broke it down of if I show up I give myself a pat on the back, if I talk to someone new I get a gold star and if that someone new and I connect really well, then it the best day ever

And while maybe it does get a little easier to show up to networking events, it still requires a lot of energy from me and mental preparation

If you’re a fellow introvert listening then you might feel the same way too

However, networking is a huge part of success in any career you will ever go into, so adjust your own standards when it comes to networking events and space them out throughout the month

But you need to be well connected to help yourself advance, which means regularly meeting new people

This socializing definitely comes easier to extroverts as does the expectation to constantly be networking

But as an introvert you have the skillset to develop strong 1:1 relationships

Maybe you don’t know 100 people in your industry but you know 5 people really really well

The most important aspect of being an introvert in an extrovert world is knowing how to make it work for you and your needs

It’s giving yourself time to decompress after the event is over, going into it with the goal of talking to one person, and spacing these events out so you don’t overkill your social battery in one week and need three weeks to recover

Showing up is the hardest part.. I tell my introverted clients to just show up and you’ll probably get approached by some extrovert

All of the people I know at my gym are the extroverts and it’s because they are the ones who have come up to me to strike up a conversation

We get adopted by an extrovert

It’s a real thing

But where you show up to, is already some place of interest, some commonality that invites conversation because you already know why you’re there

That’s why clubs, sports, hobbies, interests, are all exceptional ways of making friends or building your network, where all we really need to do is show up and have a smile on our face and arms uncrossed

Us introverts got lucky with the pandemic because that expectation to constantly show up to things subsided for two solid years

Now I say got lucky loosely because the global shutdown was detrimental to our social skills, amongst other things

And while I think everyone was deeply affected by the pandemic from a social standpoint, it did finally give introverts an opportunity to thrive in their workplace because they got to work from a quiet and private place

Extroverts suffered because they were stripped of that in person interactive environment that helps them thrive

But it did make it really obvious as to how this world is set up for extroverts over introverts

I’ve said this before but I know my social skills were severely hindered by the isolation from the pandemic, then add in a traumatic friendship breakup and hiding out from everyone else sounds a lot more inviting than exposing myself to new people who could potential hurt me

It’s something I’m constantly working on and know that hiding out negatively affects every part of my life from my dating life, to my friendships and social circles, and my business

I also know i’m not alone in wanting to hide all the time and the pandemic opened this door, pandora’s box if you will, and allowed it to be an excuse for a lack of a social life and friendships

I don’t remember being this introverted, this fearful of rejection, until the world started opening back up and I wanted to stay in

We’re all going to suffer the negative side effects of a global shut down for a long time, but that’s not the point of this episode, the point of this episode is to highlight where society caters to the needs of an extrovert and what you can do as an introvert to help yourself feel more accepted while also taking care of your social needs and personal needs

Humans as a whole, need social interactions on a regular basis, otherwise we’ll spiral.. It doesn’t matter whether you’re introverted or extroverted

It does, however, make it much harder to feel normal or accepted when you’re an introvert who needs a time out and your fellow extrovert and society as a whole doesn’t seem to get it

Another area this is highlighted in your twenties, both in college and the real world is the social expectation to want to engage in activities that revolve around groups

Groups of friends, bars, parties, large gatherings, you name it

As an introvert we get overwhelmed with a lot of people around, I know I find myself shutting down because I’m too overstimulated and want to just hibernate.. That and it’s usually past my bedtime so i’m exhausted

Something I’ve really had a hard time with over the last year and a half primarily is my lack of desire for wanting to be at the bars with the rest of the twenty-somethings

I get really hard on myself saying things like “why can’t you just be normal and enjoy alcohol and partying and late nights like everyone else your age”

My therapist even wanted me to get on anti-anxiety meds so I could learn to enjoy those moments

My coach was like what the fuck, and then proceeded to remind me that i’m not a normal twenty-something and that’s what makes me so good at the work I do

Now I’ve known my coach for much longer than my therapist, so she does know me better

I’m not saying my therapist was wrong for her recommendation, she was doing her job and after I was able to tell her that I don’t want to be medicated for a night out she was able to help me accept my quote unquote abnormality for not wanting to be at a bar with other twenty-somethings

And also learn to be okay with having two or three really good friends instead of a big group of friends

And now i’ve learned that it’s really society’s expectation and definition for what normal is and what is highlighted on social media

But honestly, I don’t think it’s normal to want to be at a bar until 1 or 2am every weekend, my opinion.. It’s reckless

Sure every now and then it’s fine, but I find it to be a shortcut to trying to have fun and most people aren’t really having that much fun

But it sucks when the world is telling you you should want to be social and partying while you’re still young and free

My extroverts are like yeah

And my introverts are like oh is something wrong with me

A big part of growing up and maturing is knowing that you don’t have to like all of the same things as other people your own age

Don’t scold someone for disagreeing with you on what a fun night looks like, but know what your fun night looks like because it’s your life

The college students who come to me for life coaching learn this lesson pretty early on 

They typically are the college student who doesn’t drink or go out or enjoy being around other drunk college kids

And that’s fine, but they do find it hard to make friends

So what we get to work on is what they can do instead that still allows them to make friends and develop their sense of community

It’s hard being the one who doesn’t want to go out all the time, you definitely feel like an outcast.. Especially if you still want to be invited out even though you’ll say no

Having that opportunity to decline gives you some sense of people remember to think of you when they want to have fun

And when you finally say yes it’s important not to judge your friends for the decisions they are making and to let yourself get home safely when you’re annoyed by their drunkenness

That’s what I used to do.. I would call it my cinderella era

I would go out with everyone and then go home when they got annoying

I mentioned this in the social media episode, but it can feel really hard to see everyone your own age enjoying being out and socializing in large groups and as a result you feel isolated and like the odd man out

One of my clients told me that she sees groups of people together and wants that opportunity to decline an invite

She doesn’t want a giant group of friends, she doesn’t want to be out partying, but she does want to feel included on a social level.. Even if that means she’s still going to be in her room by herself on a saturday night

When I told her that I have the same feelings, of wanting the invite even if I don’t want to go, she was relieved, she felt validated that someone else shares these same thoughts

And that’s what happens a lot with my clients, I get to be their source of validation that what they’re experiencing is normal

The world has just spent a long time painting this picture of what is considered to be normal and there is a very large difference between how an extrovert views life and how an introvert views life

So even if you know for a fact your introverted friend is going to say no to whatever it is you’re doing, invite them anyways

Don’t decide for them, let them answer, it’s going to mean the world to them that you even considered them when planning your activity

And on that note, to my introvert listening it is way better to give a flakey no than a flakey yes

I believe I’ve said this before but when you rsvp to something and you’re saying yes, you better 100% mean that yes

Even when the day comes and you no longer want to go, you need to pull it together, charge up your social battery and go, commit to your yes.. Even if that yes is you going for 45 minutes and then returning home

It’s still showing the people who invited you that you care and that you’re reliable to your word

If you’re someone who has a habit of saying yes and then flaking out the day of, if not the hour of, then you’re not going to keep getting invited to things because your word means nothing

Giving a flakey no is better because you’re saying no right now but if you change your mind last minute most people are going to respond with omg yay come along

So whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert you need to rsvp with confidence and stay true to your word

Now, if something major comes up that creates conflict, that’s a whole other story, I’m talking about being reliable because people crave reliability and stability

I have had friends where honestly we’re really not friends anymore because I got tired of their word meaning nothing

It’s really shitty to be in a place where you’re like I can’t count them in for sure because they have a reputation of flaking out last minute or being really late or forgetting altogether and that’s a slap in the face

Introverts relationships mean so much to them, they are all very high level high quality and we want the same respect in return

It’s not saying that extroverts don’t have high quality relationships, it’s just saying that extroverts have wider pool with a few deep spots and introverts have a deeper pool with barely any shallow spots

But from one introvert to another, it’s important to preserve your energy needs and know when you’ve maxed out and what you need to do to help you recharge

Without going into total isolation for days on end

Draw yourself a bath, turn off your phone, take a nap, sit in silence, or watch an episode of your favorite show, do something to help you decompress and reset

This could even look like planning one social interaction for the entire day and giving yourself the rest of the day to be alone, it’ll get easier to have more plans but it can definitely feel foreign and uncomfortable at first

To my extroverts listening, give an introvert space to think and respond or contribute

I find that a lot of extroverts are uncomfortable with silence so they’ll keep talking to avoid that lull

But by doing that, you’re not even giving the introvert in the room a chance to speak up

To my introverts, cherish your 1:1 relationships, have a solid routine that helps you decompress, and know that you’re not alone in this experiencing of feeling weird for not enjoying the same things as your extroverted counterparts

Like I said, the world was primarily built for extroverts by extroverts, but that doesn’t mean you’re the outcast

If this is something you struggle with and need help learning how to build up your own community or exist in this extroverted world, then please schedule a call with me

I’ve helped plenty of introverts in the past and I know I am well equipped to help you too

All you have to do is click the let’s chat link in the show notes and pick a time that works for you

But this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, if your extroverted friend doesn’t get it or your introverted friend feels like an outcast then please pass this episode along, post it on social media and tag me in your story at coach.jessdiamond when you do

Otherwise I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week week with another brand new episode