In the face of rejection

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something with today’s episode being all about rejection

Regardless of who you are or how you pose a situation, rejection, in the moment, sucks

And the worst part? There is no rejection immunity, as in you can’t avoid it, unless of course you decide to become a hermit and hide out from everyone and everything, but then technically you’re rejecting yourself from experiences, so yeah you can’t avoid it, no matter how hard you try 

And it can surface in every single area of your life

But I’m not here to just tell you how awful rejection is, since I’m pretty sure you know that it is indeed awful, or even remind you of all of the times it does come up for you or affect you

Rather I’m going to help you, and simultaneously help myself, recover a bit more quickly after the devastating blow to being rejected by someone who you thought was a good fit for you

And that’s in regards to friends, dating, business, work, basically every scenario that involves another person, because every time you interact with someone you put yourself at risk of getting rejected

Rejection is a massive part of life, it’s how you carve through people until you find the people who are for you and the feelings are mutual, that’s a key part

Because no one likes being in one-sided relationships where you give and give and give and all the other person does is take without filling your cup back up 

Right now, as I’m planning out this episode I’m coming out of a slew of rejections, which is why I felt inspired to make an episode about this

I personally feel like my rejection comes in waves, where I will get smacked in the face with rejection in every area of my life within a very short timeframe and then it all levels out and i’m fine

I mean yeah there are definitely times where I’ll receive a rejection and it’ll be a singular event and those are much easier to manage since it’s not this extreme continuous exposure everywhere I turn

But there are two exact instances where I was slapped every which way across the face with rejection and all I wanted to do is hide away from anyone, thinking that’s how I’ll give myself that rejection immunity

But like I said, you can’t avoid it because what’s really happening is I’m subconsciously, if not literally, rejecting myself from the rest of society so I can throw my pity party, party of 1

The first instance happened two years ago, where in the span of 2 weeks I got rejected by a potential client who was a referral and most referrals are a shoe in yes, the guy I was seeing that month said he didn’t want to continue on, my best friend at the time said some really hurtful things to me, and I got food poisoning 

The food poisoning felt like the universe was like oh wait here’s one more just for shits and giggles, no pun intended

The second time is more recent and it was from mid november to mid december where I received rejection in the form of business where I didn’t get a speaking event I applied for and two potential clients said no to working with me

And then in my personal life, the guy I had a crush on for months rejected me, I was then uninvited to a Christmas gathering because my ex-best friend told the coordinator that he didn’t want me there even though he wasn’t going to be there himself.. There’s more to that story but that’s besides the point and I ended up getting reinvited so it erased the rejection but definitely added to the theme, and I felt like my current best friend was rejecting me by booking a trip during my birthday after I asked her several times to please be in town and at the same time it felt like she was keeping her life from me

Luckily, there was no food poisoning during this time, but with it being winter, I was feeling all the blues

And that’s a lot of rejection in a short time frame, and I am recognizing that some of it was more escalated because I had my rejection goggles on so all I saw or felt was rejection or neglect

It doesn’t discount my feelings from being real, it’s just knowing that my brain was definitely embellishing scenarios because I was already down bad

And as a result, I shut down, I prevent myself from going out and talking to people because I reached my maximum limit of rejection for the year and any other form of it would send me over the edge

Any social outing I received felt like the biggest struggle to get myself to go because I very much wanted to hide away in my apartment

But I also knew that I would be even more sad if I did do that, so I mustered all of the energy in my body, put on a fake smile, and got my ass to socialize

Did I have fun, not really no, but did it help me get out of my little funk, well it certainly didn’t make things worse, so I’ll take it

And I tell you all of these details from my past experiences because I know you’re listening to this episode because you relate to some capacity 

We all go through our moments where nothing feels like it’s going right and as a result we are very hard on ourselves

It’s hard not to take rejection personally, and sometimes it is personal, sometimes someone rejects you because you are you and you have to learn how to tell yourself that it’s for the best

Even when you’re miserable or sad or hard on yourself in the moment, that person just opened up space in your life for someone new

That the rejector is doing you favor

It’s why there is the cliche saying rejection is redirection, but when you’re in the thick of getting rejected like I was, you are most definitely not seeing it in that way

In fact, if you’re anything like me you are viewing it as what’s wrong with me

My crush rejecting me opened up the opportunity for a guy to ask me for my number and later on a date the very next day

Putting an end to this crush meant it was time to live in reality and not in the land of delusion, because a crush is just a lack of information

But if you ask me, the land of delusion is a much happier place to be, however, it’s not sustainable long term

And when you live in the land of delusion you are energetically and possibly quite literally cutting yourself from other people or other scenarios from existing or having the potential to exist

Now I’m not telling you all of my dirty laundry so I can have a venting session to the world of podcasting, I’m telling you this because this is a real life twenty-something with real rejections and thought processes

Or in other words, I get it, I live it, and I work to overcome it

And that’s what this episode is designed to help you with as well

Rejection in your twenties, heck, rejection in life is inevitable, it’s around every corner

And you can either choose to play it safe and small to try to prevent rejection from happening, or you can put yourself out there for the opportunities you want the most, knowing that it does come with the risk of rejection

It’s part of being growth minded and wanting more from your life and if you’re listening to this podcast then you are part of that growth minded, wanting more from your life population

Which is great and I’m so happy your here

But what can we do about the rejection that you’re most definitely going to experience at some point, if not right now

Well, we can do what I default to, which is hide away and crawl up in a ball feeling sorry for yourself

Or we can put some practices in place to help us out of the rejection funk 

My guess is if you’re still listening you’re hoping to find the latter because you’re sick of the former

So I’m going to break it down by category since each form of rejection might require a different coping mechanism that will help you get back on your feet

Let’s start with rejection in the workplace, with the examples ranging from not getting a job you applied to and interviewed for, not getting the promotion or raise you requested, or even an idea you presented, when you finally had to courage to speak up, got shut down

Because that’s really where it comes from, rejection is at its highest when you use your courage and speak up for or take action towards something you want 

And it’s not to say you’re going to get rejected every time you do speak up for yourself, but it does make it more possible

I mean think about it, if you kept quiet, if you don’t apply for the position that’s a stretch from your resume, if you don’t ask for more pay, if you don’t share your idea then you’re just going to stay exactly where you are

And while that does prevent the rejection it does keep you stuck

And that stuckness will build into resentment and frustration

Advocating for yourself or taking the risk to try something new pairs with the possibility that it does all work out, that you do land that job, that you do get approved for a raise, that your idea at the scary conference table with the c-suite is recognized and praised 

So I think rejection first starts with asking yourself, but what if it all works out?

What else could happen if you do speak up, if you do receive the acceptance you’re asking for?

And then if you don’t get the outcomes you hoped for, it turns to reminding yourself that having a definitive answer is better than living in the fantasy of hoping and wishing

Besides, most professional rejections stem from circumstances outside of your control

Maybe it’s not in the budget for you to have a raise, maybe there is no position open for you to be promoted to, maybe the company interviewed someone who was a better fit, so it’s not to say that you weren’t a good fit you just weren’t the best one

And then seek out feedback so you can work to prevent repeat rejections from happening because that’s the part that is in your control

I mentioned this in the live coaching call episode from a few weeks ago with Orien when I recommended he seek out feedback for the job he really wanted and thought was a good fit but didn’t get

You need to be open to the criticism, knowing that it’s going to help you grow and improve so you can limit your future rejections

But don’t dwell on the negative feedback, rather, do something about it

At least the parts that are within your control

If it’s a skill you’re lacking or the way you interview isn’t putting you in the best light for a future position then you can easily work on those things

I think rejection is a lot like boundaries, where you don’t know what you don’t know until it happens

With boundaries, you typically don’t know when a boundary has been crossed until it’s being crossed

And with rejection you don’t know what you’re missing or lagging in until you get that feedback by being told no

And as a reminder this is just in relation to your career because you’re not missing or lagging anything in friendships and romantic partnerships that are right for you.. Which I’ll get into soon enough

The part where rejection is redirection comes in is in the form of needing to set new goals

So you didn’t get the job, what goal are you setting next to improve your chances of getting the next one?

Do you need to network with more people, expand your job search, improve your interview skills, take more time with your applications, apply to jobs where you actually believe in the company?

Ask yourself where the missing pieces are so you don’t berate yourself for not getting this one opportunity and then do nothing to improve your circumstances

And know that this one setback is not a glimpse into your future, meaning it’s not defining your entire career trajectory

Separate the singular rejection from the rest of your life

While at the same time let yourself be upset, it’s natural to feel disappointed, discouraged, and sad when an opportunity you were gunning for doesn’t work out

Professional rejection is probably the easiest to not take personally

I know I don’t take business rejections personally because i am a kick ass coach who has a full proof system that has helped dozens of people succeed

So it’s not me, it’s them and their lack of belief in themselves or reluctance to ask for financial help to get them out of their current situation

It’s romantic and social rejection that is the toughest on the soul

Romantically, you’re putting your heart on the line by asking out your crush or when the relationship you are in comes to an end

But you have to understand there is a lack of compatibility going on for the other person, whether you see it or not

Again, acknowledge your own feelings, let yourself grieve the future life you dreamt about with this person, vent to a friend about how upset you are

And then do something about it

You could journal what you’re looking for in a partner, I know for me I want to be in a relationship where I know exactly where I stand in their eyes and to feel pursued and desired

And while it is hard to not take this type of rejection personal, please know that there is nothing wrong with you as the individual

Sometimes it’s the other person who isn’t ready for a relationship, or they have their own idea of what they’re looking for in a partner and you don’t fit the bill

For example, I went on a date with a guy last year and through our conversation it became clear that he lacked ambition 

I know for a fact I need to be with someone who is growth minded and who does want more for themselves and is willing to do something about it

It’s not to say that anything was wrong with this guy in particular, it’s just that he was not for me

So it’s usually not about you, in fact it hardly ever is, but I know it’s hard to see it in that way when you are getting rejected by a person you accepted

It creates an unsettling imbalance in your gut and soul

But don’t dwell on that person or experience, give yourself a week max to be upset or distraught and then do something about it

Find a hobby, take a trip, engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and with time, you will get past this rejection

The third type of rejection is social rejection and similar to a romantic one, this type stings right through your heart

Feeling left out hurts, take it from me

I felt so left out when I realized everyone I was previously hanging out with on the weekends were all hanging out together and my invitation was continuing to get lost in the mail

When that happens to you, you want to make sure no one else experiences that feeling so even if you know the person you’re inviting is going to say no, invite them anyways

The invite goes a long way, it send the message of you were thinking of me

You were going to go do something and wanted to include me

So when you do experience that social rejection, this is going to sound repetitive but give yourself time to process your feelings

Take care of your emotions

And then work to figure out whether or not you even wanted to be a part of the group that rejected you and what you are looking for in friends

I’ve said this on other episodes but the group I was getting rejected from was the party group where their idea of fun was late nights and alcohol

And if you’ve been listening to how to twenty-something for quite some time then you know that that is absolutely not my idea of fun

I was after the image of fun, rather than what I actually valued or enjoyed

But these people weren’t my friends they just presented the illusion of having friends

It wasn’t until I sat myself down and thought about what makes a good friendship or what do I define as fun did I start to seek out the people that support that vision

So yeah, social rejection can come from misaligned values or interests, again it’s nothing personal

Similar to your romantic life, make a list of qualities you’re looking for in a friend or what interests you have and then take part in those activities so you can find other people who also share those commonalities 

And if anyone tells you that you are too anything, whether that is too hyper, too loud, too passionate, too annoying, literally anything that strikes a chord with you then please remove that person from your life

They are already rejecting the parts of you that make you YOU and it’s time to pack up your life and gift it to someone who will appreciate those qualities

This is your life, fill it with the people who do want you around and stop giving power and energy towards those who don’t

And the final thing I’ll leave you with today is to keep at the top of your mind who you can go to when you are experiencing a slew of rejections and need help bouncing back 

It’s much easier to face rejection when you have other strong connections that can support you through this moment

Like a coach, a parent, a best friend, a partner, a therapist, someone who you feel comfortable turning to in a time of need

That’s who’s going to carry you through the rejection you’re experiencing right now

Rejection is not something you can face on your own because your brain is not going to help you see any clearer, in fact your brain is going to enhance the rejection you’re already experiencing

The sources of support you’ve built so far are the people who are going to make sure you are actively working towards getting out this feeling

I bet you thought this episode was going to mention rejection therapy where you try to get 1 no a day for 100 days and it can be as simple as asking for your order to be free to asking your crush out on a date

But honestly, I feel like if you are constantly putting yourself out there you are inadvertently building up your resilience to rejection, knowing that it’s going to hurt every time but your recovery and what you do about it will improve every time

Most of the time the rejection you are receiving is not a reflection on you, it’s not a sign that you need to change your ways, however it is a sign that you need to change the rooms you’re in

And that is what I’m going to leave you with as I wrap up this episode of how to twenty-something, so if you liked what you heard, if you feel a little better about your rejections, or know someone who needs to hear this message then please help me grow this podcast by sharing this episode with a friend or on social media 

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode