When Nothing Sounds Like a Good Idea

Welcome back to how to twenty-something where today’s episode is to help you get unstuck

I find that when we feel stuck we’re actually afraid of being embarrassed, making the wrong decision, or our mind is just completely and totally blank

The result puts us in one of two lands: the land of no or the land of I don’t know

And I’m going to use this episode to help you identify which land you’re currently the mayor of and of course what to do about it

So let’s first rewind to how you got here… You became the mayor the second you felt like nothing sounded like a good idea

Where regardless of the decision at hand every single thing feels wrong or lame or weird or annoying or exhausting

You’re hesitating because you want to make sure whatever you choose is perfect or right, and you don’t want to disappoint the people around you, including yourself

However, this default response of i don’t know or no is holding you back from giving anything a try

I have two clients right now who represent each of these lands perfectly and it’s why I felt the need to make an episode about it and i’ll be incorporating their examples throughout because chances are if they’re feeling this way then so are you

I’ve also personally served as mayor in each of these lands

So let’s start with welcoming you to the land of no, the place where every idea sounds horrible and hopefulness goes to die

Dramatic I know

You know you’re in the land of no when everyone around you is presenting you with an idea, a path, a strategy, and all you can say in response is no

One of my clients was in a funk in one of our sessions and told me every option I was talking to him about felt weird

We’re working on landing him his first full time job and after a lot of online job searching and implementing my process of connecting with people on linkedin or via email, it was time to change the strategy because clearly this one isn’t doing him any favors right now

That looked like recommending he go into businesses with a resume in hand and ask to speak to someone in hr 

Sounds absolutely terrifying i know, but his response was ‘that’s weird’

I asked him what was weird about it and he said ‘no one does that’

And I go ‘exactly!’

Because no one does that, you are standing out amongst all of your competitors applying for the same entry level position

Or you’re putting yourself in the eyes of someone with inside knowledge about job openings that haven’t even been posted yet 

He shrugged it off and said no

We talked about doing low stake jobs first so he can get used to this ‘weird’ feeling

Because it is uncomfortable, it is weird, but it’s how you get to a real person when online isn’t working out

It’s powerful to do so as long as you have the self confidence to back it up when it’s time to walk into a building and ask about a job

Which is where we get to work on a plan of what he’s going to do, say, and act across multiple different scenarios

But his land of no was preventing him from even thinking about the possibility of going in somewhere

We had to first work on his funk

Chances are you’re saying no to everything because you’re in a funk

Maybe for you it’s not in regards to your career but friendships, dating, working out

Where you’ve been trying and trying and nothing is happening

So you end up ignoring texts or not reaching out to see people’s availability because you’re not feeling social enough

Or ghosting the people you were talking to right when it comes time for a first date because you no longer feel like giving something a try

The land of no means you’re rejecting every option before you even try them or entertain the idea of them

Because trying a new approach to get an outcome you feel like you’ve been putting a lot of effort towards sounds exhausting and like another moment for you to get your hopes up and then be crushed yet again

By saying no you think you’re protecting yourself because it means you can’t mess up or let yourself down, or you’re waiting for a better option to become available, or you’re too tired or overwhelmed to say yes to anything else, or everything feels pointless

‘No’ is predictable, it’s safe

Yes is the opposite, it’s adventurous, it’s scary, it’s risk taking, it’s vulnerable 

And if you’re in a funk, such as my client, then you don’t have the capacity for adventure

So step one is to get out of this funk

I asked him, have you been outside today.. Mind you our session was in the afternoon, he said no

I go have you eaten yet, he said no

And I go okay, so step one is get yourself fed and outside

And tomorrow you need to get out of bed and dressed when your alarm goes off

Because the longer you lay around in your bed the less energized you’re going to feel to take care of your basic needs

Sending yourself deeper and deeper into this funk, and therefore deeper and deeper into the land of no

The next thing is to find little things to say yes to

Low commitment, low energy, low risk things

Like saying yes to going grocery shopping or to calling your grandparents

Find at least 3 things that you can say yes to and know that with each yes puts you closer to getting on your plane and flying out of this land of no and towards the land of willing to try.. Not as glamorous of a name but hey that’s show biz

Now, If you’re part of the land of i don’t know population then welcome, we have different work to do

You also think nothing sounds like a good idea it just appears differently 

Every decision feels impossible or you don’t want to sound stupid so instead of giving any answer you give a shoulder shrug answer

It gives you an illusion of control because not deciding means you won’t have to face any potential consequences, feelings of regret, or look foolish

Like you stay in your relationship because you don’t know if this is your person or not

Or you stay in a job because you don’t know what else to do

This was me 100% when I first started my full-time job back in 2019

I’ve mentioned this story a lot times but I really was not thrilled with what I was doing

With having a full time job, I was very much in a this is it thought

But I also didn’t know what else I could do or what my options were

So i don’t know comes when there are too many options so your mind goes blank towards any or when you’re afraid to commit or get the answer wrong

Talk about commitment issues am I right

No but seriously this is such a common land to be in

You guys are fighting for mayorship

One of my other clients has proven herself to be the mayor of the land of i don’t know and I don’t mean that as an insult to her, it’s something we get to work on when it comes to her confidence and having me as her coach

She gets very upset and flustered when she doesn’t have the quote unquote right answer

It was all over her discovery call with me. I even have people fill out an intake form prior to that call and all of her answers were i don’t know.. And then it really really reigned true on our very first session when we were discussing goals

And she was crying because she didn’t have an answer for me

Whether it was because she didn’t want to disappoint me with giving any final answer or because she genuinely didn’t know

I find it’s usually a combination of both

In this example, we were talking about creating a goal around making connections with people

And she said she wants to make some connections.. I challenged her and said put a number to it because we need something we can measure 

And she didn’t know a number

So we broke it down I said look we’re setting goal for the next 90 days

One connection a day would be 90 connections, does that feel like lot

Mind you she’s crying right now since she’s so overwhelmed and frustrated with the job process she’s already been on by herself

So i assured her and said 90 feels like a lot to me, especially if I don’t know of any connections I could be making in this moment

Which means we know that your number is somewhere between zero, which is where you’re at right now and that’s not working, and 90 which feels like a shit ton, rightfully so

And I was like this great we have numbers we can start to narrow down, and knowing what I know about this client I said what about 30, does 30 still sound like a lot

And through her tears she said yes

I go great, we’re getting closer

We know it’s somewhere between 0 and 30

Over the course of 90 days, and remember I’m  going to teach you how to make these connections, what number feels scary but doable

We settled on 15

So I took her out of the land of i don’t know and brought her back to reality with a concrete plan that works for her and won’t send her spiraling 

You see, when there are too many options your mind is going to go completely blank, where finding any option feels nearly impossible

It’s a matter of breaking the emptiness down into something tangible

How many connections do you want to make was too open of a question for her… pick a number between 1 and 30 is something within reach

She was new to our coaching partnership so I had to learn that she needs parameters to help with the decision making process otherwise she sends herself off of the deep end and back to the center of I don’t know land

So when you’re in this land of I don’t know it’s not because you’re indecisive it’s because you’re scared of picking the wrong thing, you haven’t even thought of what would be the right thing, if you’re a known people pleaser, or if you haven’t given yourself parameters to choose between so you go blank with all of the possibilities 

I enter the land of i don’t know when my business coach talks to me about strategies for new clients

It’s like all of sudden I have no idea how to talk about what I do or who I’ve spoken to in the last week or what it takes to begin a coaching partnership with someone new

I look to her, my expert for the answer because my mind has fully shut off

And it shuts off when there is too much at stake, things I really want for myself, and not wanting to get the answer wrong.. In other words be seen as a fool or a dumbass

So I stare blankly at her until she starts to talk which then helps the gears in my brain to begin moving again

In order to get out of this land of I don’t know, you need to start making tiny choices.. Just like in the land of know you need to make little yes’s

Break down the bigger i don’t know question into something smaller

Like what I did with my client

How many connections do you want to make in the next three months was too big, narrowing it down from 1 to 90 and 1 to 30 helps get to an answer that doesn’t consist of i don’t know

While also being  her coach and reassuring her that there is no wrong answer, whatever answer is right for her is going to be the right one for us to work with 

But you have to work on building up your knowledge muscle because you do know you’re just afraid of the answer or not confident in what you have to say

Little yes’s along the way will give you the proof you need to answer the seemingly bigger question

Along that same line is stop looking for the right answer, there is no right answer

There is no one right way to do life so release the black and white mindset

It’s not that simple

And i get it, you go your entire life being graded on your performance, intellect, behavior 

But that’s not how the real adult world works

I mean sure it does when it comes to getting a bonus or a promotion, but when it comes to life decisions, that’s not the case anymore

You have to work to unlearn everything school taught you which is definitely easier said than done, but the consequence of not trying to do so is going to keep you as the mayor of the land of I don’t know

Besides, you don’t need to know all of the answers for forever and ever, you just need to know today

The land of i don’t know and the land of no are very similar, which I’ll get to in a sec, but they differ in that when you give an i don’t know response you’re not necessarily closed off from hearing what someone else has to say

I don’t know is tricking you into letting yourself believe you’re thinking or being cautious or like I said open to possibilities, but the reality is it’s the same as no, just showing up in a different way

Because both the land of no and the land of i don’t know are keeping you exactly where you are.. Stuck

So when all else fails, when you’re really sitting deep in your own trap of no or I don’t know.. I want you to pick something to try.. Literally anything

If it’s not 15 connections to come up with then it’s 1 because at least 1 is more than 0

If it’s not going into businesses then it’s going into a coffee shop

Lower the stakes because the higher the stakes the more scared you’re going to be from trying anything and that’s when you become paralyzed in your respective lands

Doing something is always going to be better than doing nothing or continuing to do what you’re doing right now that you know isn’t working

Because confidence comes from action not the other way around

So stop waiting for the right answer and go find it

You have to move.

You have to say yes to something small, even when it feels dumb or weird or uncertain.

That’s how you get back your sense of momentum — and that’s how you earn your one-way ticket out of both lands

So hopefully by now you have your game plan to earning your ticket out of your land when nothing sounds like a good idea

Which means this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, learned something new, are ready to take action, or know someone who is currently fighting for mayorship of the land of no or i don’t know then pass this episode along

Post it to your story, send it to a friend just please help me increase my reach for who listens to this podcast

That way I can help all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their lives

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode