The connections you’re missing out on by staying comfortable

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s episode is all about your network

And before you skip this episode, hear me out

Because I’m like you.. I also don’t love networking 

But I do love having good conversations and technically those are one in the same… if you do them properly

And you and I both know that in order to get anywhere in this life, you have to know people who know people

Which requires you to get a little uncomfortable so you can go meet new people

So this episode is to help you around your relationship to networking and leaving your comfort zone

I’m going to talk about why every fiber in your being is screaming at you to stay home, or from even sending a connection request on linkedin, what staying comfortable is costing you, and then of course helping you redefine your own version of networking while breaking down the stigmas you’ve built up in your mind

Because recently I’ve had conversations with some twenty-somethings who are looking for a full-time job

Either they have parttime ones right now and want more money and independence or lost their job and are back in the job search

Regardless, they are all in the same situation of wanting a full-time job and have the same resistance towards meeting strangers

Now, I know I’ve made episodes on this topic already so you can definitely go back and listen to them, but this one is a little different as it pertains to your circle of influence

Pause 

When I was talking to these twenty-somethings, I told them exactly what I tell you: you’re wasting your time online applying, when you need to be connecting with people in the industry or company you’re interested in

And the easiest way to do so is through linkedin

Send the connection request and then send the message

And every time I say this, I get the same reaction

Probably the one you just gave too: you roll your eyes, let out a grunt, and say you don’t want to

That that is uncomfortable 

And it is, i’m not going to sugarcoat it

But it’s one very easy way to meet new people and expand your network

You just have to by-pass the discomfort so you don’t miss out on very important connections

Which looks like overcoming your fears and resistance towards even pressing the little connect button, let alone sending a message or god forbid, going somewhere in person

So let’s start with those fears and resistance that come with the word networking

Honestly, even i shudder at the thought of going to a networking event, shaking hands with people, having very surface level interactions, and exchanging business cards that just pile up in a pocket somewhere and never actually get used

But what if you went to a networking event and the conversations went beneath the surface, no one exchanged business cards, and relationships actually developed further each time you returned?

Sounds fake

But it’s true, it’s how the networking group I’m in operates, called network in action

You just have to go out in the world and find the one for you

And in order for you to do so and expand your circle of who you know, we need to tackle these pesky little fears

The first one being the fear of rejection

This one is going to show up any and every time you put yourself out there because putting yourself out there comes with that very real risk of someone or multiple someone’s not liking you

Even when it’s as something as simple as sending a connection request on LinkedIn

You’re putting yourself out there with zero guarantee of anything coming back, so your brain interprets that unknown and vulnerability as a threat

Because what if they think you’re weird for reaching out, or they don’t accept the request or never respond

So instead of risking that kind of no, you just don’t send anything period

Same thing goes for showing up somewhere in person

But when you don’t take any action, you are writing yourself out of the opportunity to meet someone and advance your career

You are essentially answering no for the person on the other end so they don’t have to… which also means you’re robbing them of the chance to say yes

The second fear is that you’re going to come across as a burden or as someone who only reaches out when they want something

This is something I personally battle with especially now that i’ve been applying to stages and know the best way to get on a good stage is to go through the people who have already spoken there

Someone who can vouch for me and send me in the right direction

And I hate asking people for help when I don’t have anything to offer in return

So in those moments i have to remind myself that let’s say someone in 5 years asks me for my help with how I got started, i would be more than happy to extend a hand and point them in the right direction and not expect anything in return

I wouldn’t think it was burdening of them to ask or needy, or someone who only takes and never gives 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love an even exchange of I do this for you, you do this for me.. But a lot of times.. Especially when you’re just getting started in this world.. That is not the case

So one way I like to overcome that resistance of asking for help is by reversing the roles and then the other thing I like to remind myself and my clients of is when you go to ask someone for help, you’re complimenting their experience and recognizing them as a thought leader

The other side of this coin that is not necessarily a fear and is more of resistance is the basis of this entire episode and that is leaving your comfort zone

Your existing circle is familiar, easier, and therefore safe 

Staying in it doesn’t require anything from you, you know these people, you don’t have to have any awkward exchanges or silences or surface level conversations

And if your inner circle is working for you, then great, but there does come  point where you exhaust all your resources within them

They can only open so many doors and know so many people

This is true for entrepreneurs where your first few clients are from people you already know

This is true for landing a job where the people in your existing network could only get you so many offers

The reality here is the doors you actually might need are being held open by the people you have not met yet

And yes, it might require you to meet some terrible people along the way, feel like all the efforts you’re putting into getting out there are a waste of time, and you’re hitting dead end after dead end

Trust me, I get it

I feel like I’m showing up in the world constantly and yet, online clients still feel so hard to come by 

And it’s because I need to keep going into a new circles and it’s exhausting because of everything I just mentioned, the fear of being rejected, seeming sales, being needy or a burden, and being a waste of time

I don’t come up with these episodes just because someone else is encountering this problem, it’s also because I personally have to constantly work to overcome my own thoughts telling me to just stay comfortable

And I’ll be the first one to tell you that staying comfortable gets you absolutely nowhere… if you’re trying to go somewhere

And somewhere means there is some part of your life that is itching for something more or something new

Which if you’re listening to a growth minded, self help podcast.. Ech hem this one right now that you are actively listening to, then I know for a fact that you want to improve at least some part of your life

Whether you’re waiting to feel ready to make moves or not

So while you’re going back and forth and tip toeing the line of comfort and discomfort, let me talk to you about the cost of staying comfortable

Because it might not feel like a cost in the moment

Noooo, in the moment you’re going to feel relief, avoiding unnecessary stress, and like the world is warm with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies

Your comfort zone is your happy place so all of that is true

And it isn’t until you have the wave of discouragement do you realize what you’re doing to say ‘safe’ is not helping you in the slightest

Because people aren’t going to find you sitting in your existing circle or at home

I used to joke with an old therapist of mine that it is possible for my future husband to find me by accidentally knocking on my apartment door

My old complex had 3 buildings so I got the wrong mail all the time with there being 3 different apartment 315s.. Who’s to say someone wasn’t trying to find their friend’s apartment and stumbled across mine by mistake

That never happened, BUT the probability wasn’t zero, just really really low

And that’s the same probability of staying in your circle

Opportunities such as job offers, collaborations, introductions, mentorships, clients, sales, everything is going to come from you showing up in the world

It’s the event you almost didn’t go to, the message you almost didn’t send, the connection request you almost didn’t hit

Almost is the most expensive word in networking and building relationships

Remember: you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take

So every time you almost do something and don’t, you’re costing yourself your future

And every time you almost didn’t do something and did, you’re moving yourself forward.. Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment….

Another cost of staying comfortable is your confidence

The more you stay comfortable the less you’re going to feel confident because the discomfort you’re avoiding is only going to get bigger and scarier the longer you resist it

Think about it, every time you talk yourself out of going somewhere or doing something like sending a connection request, you are simultaneously feeling that sense of relief while also reinforcing the story that you can’t do it

And that more often that story gets repeated, the harder it’s going to be to actually go do something when you finally reach your tipping point

Versus pushing through the discomfort, doing the thing anyways, even if nothing comes of it, helps you build your own evidence that you are someone who can show up

Even when you don’t want to

Even when it’s hard

You think I like meeting new people, extending invitations, making plans

Fuck no

But i do it anyways

And I make new friends, build new connections, expand my network

Sometimes it’s a one off, and sometimes it’s a friendship, a client partnership, or simply a feel good conversation

Regardless, I’ve built up the proof time and time again that I can do it even when every part of me is screaming just stay home, become a hermit, don’t do it

You are so much better off in the long run when you take any kind of action instead of convincing yourself it’s okay to take zero action

So now that I’ve stressed the importance of getting uncomfortable and everything you’ll miss out on by staying in your comfort zone, let me help you make this whole networking and building connections thing less terrible 

And this has been discussed in previous episodes, but it’s around the word networking

Networking the word itself is overused

It sounds forced, corporate, transactional, and just straight up exhausting and unappealing

So anytime someone mentions the word networking it’s like a forbidden word or a curse word

You immediately go into shutdown mode or let out a big yawn

I wish I could eradicate the word entirely, but the truth is you have been quote unquote networking your entire life

You just didn’t call it that

Every friend you made, professor you had a good relationship with, coworker you grabbed lunch with or vented to, date you went on, follow text you sent

All of that was networking

The only difference was that it felt natural because there was no agenda attached to

Which is hard to transfer over into your professional life especially when you are wanting something like a job or for me, a stage to speak on

So right now, what if we invited a sense of curiosity to your repertoire

Instead of going into a connection thinking about what they can do for you, what if you only went in with the goal to express interest in the other person

What are they working on, how did they get to where they are, what do they wish they had known earlier

Not whether or not they can help you

The other part of this whole making connections thing to help you leave your comfort zone is by reminding you that networking doesn’t have to only be through a forced event or even a networking group

It can be small and still count 

Like sending a meme on instagram, commenting on a linkedin post, following up with someone based on what they said when you guys did talk

None of that requires a bold gesture or is asking anything of the other person

All it requires is for you to show up, remind people you exist, and be supportive 

And that is how a real, genuine network gets built, which is so much better than a one off event and way less scary

So for right now, how about you start with someone you already know

Warm up your connection muscles before reaching out cold to strangers on LInkedIn or blindly walking into a room full of people you don’t know yet

Look at your existing network and try to find people you’re under utilizing

Whether that’s old professors, former coworkers, someone you went to school with, family friends and shoot them a message, tell them what you’re working on and looking for and ask if they would be open to a quick conversation

That conversation would vary depending on who it is you’re reaching out to

For example, if it’s an old professor they have experience in the industry you’re in, so you can ask them about their first job out of school and what it was like

If it’s an old coworker, ask them what company they’re at and how they’re liking it

Old classmate would be asking how they got their job, what they think they did differently to land their position

You don’t need the perfect script or perfect question, just work on reaching out

The next thing is if you do not want to be the one sending the linkedin requests, then you need to make yourself searchable

That means changing the header on your profile to what people would search for in terms of that title

Like how I have life and nutrition coach for twenty-somethings and speaker in there amongst other things

And then post and use hashtags relevant to the industry you’re wanting to be in

People will find you and send connections, all you have to do is accept them

And then when you’re ready, send your own connections, follow companies you want to work for, leave comments of posts of the people you admire

Thirdly, find a group you can consistently show up to

It doesn’t have to literally be a networking group

I’m also on a kickball team, I’ve done an improv class, I go to run club

That’s all networking 

Either week after week or month after month, but something where it is consistent in time, place, and frequency so you can give yourself the chance to deepen your connections

And lastly, follow up

That’s going to be the most important part

If you meet someone in the wild, send them a linkedin request and say it was nice meeting them, ask for a coffee meetup, or to go walking

You have to nurture your connections.. Find the tactics that are going to feel the least slimy and grimey and more like you

But don’t rely on the feeling of comfort to start making moves or put the ball in the other person’s court to make the first move, because that is not how that works

So to bring it all together

The connections you are missing out on by staying comfortable is not just the people

It’s the opportunities, the doors, the conversations that could completely change the direction of your career and your life

And know that being uncomfortable never gets easier, the feeling of discomfort just becomes more familiar and less threatening 

You just have to keep showing up in small ways and consistently

And of course, get out of your own way and thoughts telling you not to do the things you know you need to do

So on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who needs to hear this little nudge, then please share this episode

Post it to your story, send it to someone you know, just do something to help me reach all of the twenty-somethings in this world navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode