Stop getting ahead of yourself

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is all about getting ahead of yourself.. Putting the cart before the horse.. Jumping the gun

Basically when you are driving yourself mad running through all of the possible outcomes and scenarios when step one hasn’t even occurred yet

We all do it and it only makes us more anxious about taking that initial first step so instead we freeze in our tracks and conjure up all of the what ifs

I know i’ve done it when i was dating

Clients who have done it with their career or their health

So I want to break down for you more specifics as to where this can occur in your life, why it’s happening, and of course what to do about it

Now let’s start with why this happens

Regardless of the category of your life, getting ahead of yourself boils down to two things: fear and impatience

Fear of the unknown

Fear of how this one decision or path could lead to something else.. Something worse

And impatient in regards to the steps you must take to get from where you are right now to the outcomes you are wanting to achieve

Jumping the gun derives from wanting positive outcomes and fearing negative ones

Or in general trying to guess the outcomes from a more pessimistic point of view

For example, when it comes to your career you could want a better position or make more money, land that first full-time job, but haven’t even updated your resume or set up a linkedin account

Or on the opposite end is you could want this full-time job but you’re afraid of losing the freedom and flexibility of your schedule as it will get replaced with a more rigid 9-5 

Or you could be happy with your job but get an amazing verbal offer somewhere else, so you’re freaking out about what the right or best decision is going to be for you, but you haven’t even gone on an interview yet

It plays into the what ifs

What if I hate my coworkers

What if I hate the work I’m doing

What if I lose the job I get

What if I end up in a worse position than before when where I was before wasn’t that bad

I usually have to bring my clients back down to reality and give them a checkpoint of hey how about we make the connection first or develop the skillset or go on the interview and then we can cross all of those bridges when we get to them

Because what if the opposite is also true 

What if you love your coworkers even more

What if you love the work you’re doing

What if you get promoted

What if you end up in a better position than before

One of my clients was recently in this predicament.. A high class problem as I told her, where she has a job, she loves the company, she feels loyal to them, she makes a decent living

But she’s hearing rumors that the company is going down and that layoffs have begun

So she did what any logical person would do when you hear your company is in rough shape.. You put your feelers out there while you’re still employed

Just to see what the market is like and what you’re options are

And she was recruited to speak to someone from hr to a company that would give her a massive pay increase, multiple projects, a much closer commute, matched pto at the minimum, job security

And she was like but what if I hate my coworkers 

Mind you she hasn’t gone on an official interview yet

There is no job offer on the table

And here she is freaking out about a job that isn’t even in existence yet

So I brought her back down to earth and was like hey how about you go into the office and get a vibe check first

Then brush up on your interview skills

Go through the process

And once there is an offer on the table we can discuss what decision it is that you’re going to make

She wanted an answer from me directly, in that moment, as to what she should do and that’s not how coaching works

So instead I asked her what’s the worst that could happen if you stay at your current job

Then what’s the best that could happen

And same thing with changing jobs.. What’s the worst that could happen and what’s the best 

So if you find yourself still spiraling as you wait for the steps to unfold then ask yourself your scenarios

What is scary for you and what would you do if you found yourself in that pickle and then also what’s exciting 

And all I had to tell her after she answered my questions was that she has her answer

But also, she needs to wait out this process and take it step by step

I’ve had younger clients who have been fearful and excited about landing a full time job.. Again without going on an interview, without a job offer present

They’re working themselves up over what a full-time job means for their life

The pros and the cons

And cons weigh more than pros so what they’re subconsciously doing is talking themselves out of landing a job or making connections to get to a job

We have to do a lot of mindset work around how they’re getting in their own way

Because I know they want the job, they want to enter into this next chapter of their twenties but they are so afraid of getting the job and losing it, not having enough money to support themselves, hating the work they’re doing, not having enough time or energy to live their life

And essentially face the reality that a job does disrupt the lifestyle they’ve had the luxury of living in since graduating high school

I come in and help them better understand what they can expect both from a schedule standpoint and from a paycheck standpoint and cover any other fears that are standing in their way

And once we can calm their mind gremlins down then we can focus on step one to getting that full-time job

Because you get ahead of yourself when you’re really excited or really afraid of what’s to come

Your brain literally jumps to all of the possible scenarios as a way of protecting yourself

It’s trying to predict the outcomes so it knows what it’s getting itself into

Since we all know how much the brain HATES what it doesn’t know

We want to be 10 steps ahead of where we are right now because playing the waiting game sucks

Even being self employed.. I want to be making so much more money, signing more clients, speaking at more events, when I’m 4 years into this business and it really takes 5 years of building to get to these bigger and better things

There’s so much learning that comes with being an inexperienced entrepreneur 

And even when I have some big realization and kick myself over not thinking of this idea years ago, I remind myself that it wouldn’t have worked to my benefit like it does now 

For instance, speaking to parents of twenty-somethings as a 28 year old is much easier than if I had tried to do so when I was 25 or 26

They trust an older twenty-something more.. I also have a lot more credibility like awards, 127 episodes of this podcast, and years of coaching under my belt

So while yes I wish I had thought of this years ago so I could be further ahead than where I am right now, I can also recognize that this all happened when it was supposed to

Which is a big part of not getting ahead of yourself.. It’s trusting that everything happens when and exactly how it’s supposed

Even if it’s to your dismay and not your benefit 

When it comes to relationships and dating, if you’re anything like how I was last year then you’re terrified of getting your heart broken or how you’re going to fit someone into your current life and schedule 

Or even the thought of cuddling with someone on your couch in your personal space can be freaky

So your brain starts to talk yourself out of going on a first date because of all of the potential negative outcomes that could follow or deciding whether to marry this person or not

When it’s a first date

And first dates are to see whether you like this person enough for a second date.. That’s all

Yet here you are building a future in your head before you’ve built any part of a potential relationship in real time

I know for me, I was so afraid of having someone get close to me and not like what they see and leave me

I was afraid of the financial and time and energy commitment that comes with getting into a relationship

I was and honestly still am afraid of going through a breakup

When ryan and I first started dating, anytime something went quote unquote wrong my brain would spiral into well this is it, it was nice while it lasted, he’s gone now

Or if we spent an entire weekend together I would be so anxious come monday morning and think he’s annoyed of me and doesn’t want to see me again or needs a break from me

My brain was not my friend in all of these instances

I would jump ahead of myself in the most negative direction

Luckily, what I can tell you, if you are someone who is jumping ahead on the relationship train, is that you know you’ve found the right person when it doesn’t feel scary to spend money on them, when you don’t feel drained after hanging with them, when you want to make room in your schedule for them and it happens seamlessly 

I had this realization when Ryan left the country for three weeks over the Summer and we had spent almost every monday night together

Sometimes that would entail a busy and full work day followed by going to run club, going back to my place, making dinner, hanging out, and going to sleep

And when he wasn’t there to do all of that with me I was exhausted and was like damn I can’t believe I’m able to do all this in my day and have the social energy to hang out with ryan

It was a good vote of confidence to realize it’s because he doesn’t drain my energy and I love spending time with him

So take my word for it, that when it’s the right person, they are going to fit very seamlessly into your life

When it comes to moving to a new city, you’re ready to feel like this new place is a home the second you move

Where you have the routine, the friends, the hobbies, the lifestyle immediately at your fingertips

And those things take time to build

But you want to be able to snap your fingers together and bam you’re fully adjusted in your new city

When what you’re forgetting is the lessons that happen in this period of growth and that it means you’re growing

You’re stretching yourself towards a new goal with a fire in your belly to feel as situated as you can as fast as you can

Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but unfortunately it just doesn’t happen that quickly at least for a majority of you

Another example I can think of, at least for me personally, is when my lease is up every year I panic over where I’m going to move to next, how much my rent is going to go up, how much to account for moving costs and freak myself out over all of these details when I haven’t even received my renewal yet

And I’ve been able to negotiate my renewal down every year and fully plan on moving this year so it’s not even up for discussion and I know that at the end of February I will be packing up my belongings and moving to a different part of charlotte

But every year since living in Charlotte I have put the cart before the horse.. Worried about things that haven’t even happened yet and usually never do

When you get ahead of yourself you are stressing out over the imaginary

Why stress when there is nothing to stress about

It’s wanting the good things to happen fast or running through all worst case scenarios as a protection mechanism

It stems from wanting control.. You want to feel like you have control over every outcome

So what’s next is what do you do when you catch yourself jumping the gun

I’ve mentioned this throughout this episode but you need to find your first step

And sometimes that step is doing nothing but waiting for time or more information to unfold

It’s uncomfortable to be in this space of pause, but you have to control your mind gremlins as they want to take over and rush a process that can’t be rushed.. And then go back and listen to the episode of what it means to be in the in between

It makes you feel like you’re behind because you have this vision for yourself and you’re not there yet

But what if I told you, you’re actually early

You want to receive what isn’t ready for you yet

It’s like waiting at the counter for your Starbucks order.. You’ve ordered your drink but it’s not in your hands yet.. You have to wait for it to come to you

Even though you know exactly what you ordered, exactly what’s coming for you.. You still have to take deep breaths as you anticipate your name being called telling you that your order is ready

So yeah, getting ahead of yourself is sitting in a pit of discomfort because you’re anxiously waiting for what’s to come

You want the answer before it’s time for you to get the answer

And it activates the fear part of your brain which then makes you impatient as you drive yourself mad

To which I want you to play out your fears and what you would do in each of those scenarios, practice patience maybe in the form of journaling your dreams, taking deep breaths, moving slower in your day to day life like when you walk to your car, and finally find your first step

There’s no point in knowing step 10 when you don’t even have step 1

You can’t run before you learn to walk and everything in life happens in progression 

You need to find what yours is

And if you need help carving out this path then that’s exactly what I can help you with as the adulting coach

All you have to do is schedule a call with me by heading to the show notes, but I am actively taking on new clients and would love to help you own your life

Otherwise this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something so if you liked what you heard, if you learned something new, if you are someone who constantly gets ahead of yourself or know someone who does then please share this episode

Send it to a friend or post it to social media and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do so I can see it

But seriously help me spread word of this podcast so more twenty-somethings can give it a listen

And as always I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode