Showing up isn’t hard, staying is

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You’re listening to how to twenty something, the best podcast that helps both men and women navigate their twenties and learn how to “adult” across all aspects of their lives

We’re going to focus on career, relationships, finances, fitness, nutrition, and all of the common challenges and obstacles a typical twenty something will face in this post-college life

I’m your host, Jess Diamond, and I am the CEO and founder of Jess Diamond Coaching where I help young professionals get their shit together, gain their confidence, and own their life

No one prepares you for this adulting world so allow me to help you feel like you are no longer a chicken running around with its head cut off, and that you actually know what the hell is going on and what your next step to take is

Welcome to How To Twenty Something

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Welcome back to how to twenty-something where today’s topic is about showing up and staying 

And it stems from the saying: showing up is the hardest part

Which is true, but there comes a point when that’s no longer the case

You see, I have this personal training client, I’ve mentioned him before and man oh man does he continue to test my patience

He’s the reason I was voted most patient trainer last year

He’s been working with me for 3 years and there definitely comes a point, that I reached several months ago, where I no longer have compassion for his excuses and ailments

Because it’s all the time

Every single set, rep, and exercise has some kind of excuse to it.. Now don’t get me wrong some are valid, but most are not

And even still, he shows up 4 times a week and someone always makes the comment to me: well at least he’s showing up

And that’s when I say no, it’s not at least he’s showing up

Because for like the first year of us working together, and sporadically since, he would walk into the gym at 6:30 in the morning, look at me, and say ‘the hardest part is showing up’ turn around and walk back out the door, get in his car, and drive home

So while yes, the hardest part is showing up, getting dressed, leaving your house, driving to where you need to go, whether that’s a first date, a networking event, a friends birthday, or even the gym

There comes a point where staying is actually harder than showing up

Showing up is just the first step, but if you’re showing up with the mentality of that’s what counts, then you’re wrong

So today’s episode is to help you stay after you show up

I mean even at the time of me planning this episode out, i was all ready to go to an evening networking event and I was really tired

I looked to my boyfriend and straight up said I don’t want to go anymore

But I forced myself to go anyways and when I returned he asked me if I was happy that I went

And I said I wasn’t necessarily happy but I didn’t regret it

It kept me at a net neutral which is honestly a pretty good thing since I have been to events that have drained the life out of me

But on this night, I showed up and I stayed, not as a way to check off a box, but I actually made it matter by connecting with people I met 

So why do we resist staying sometimes almost as much as we resist just showing up in the first place?

I think that answer stems from two different reasons

The first one is the initial discomfort that comes with being at this thing whether it’s a wedding, networking event, friend’s birthday, or even a first date

You know there’s going to be small talk, and i’d say 9 out of 10 people hate small talk

It’s boring, it’s uncomfortable, there are awkward pauses, and if you’re like me, you totally blank on how to have a normal conversation 

The other reason is you don’t see the immediate payout

You don’t see the next job offer, client deal, long term relationship, overall happiness, if it’s the gym you don’t immediately see a 6 pack of abs

It takes effort, persistence, and consistency for you to eventually see the results of choosing to stay

But here’s the thing when it comes to staying there is a difference between being in attendance and actually participating 

Attendance means you’re there physically, maybe to check off a box, say you showed up, but mentally you wish you were anywhere else

When you say showing up is the hardest part, and then show up and leave right away, then you aren’t actually accomplishing the hardest part

Because you’re just literally checking off that box on your to do list, not checking off the box for actual change to take place

You can be sitting at a networking event thinking about when you can leave.

You can be at the gym going through the motions and counting down every second until you’re done.

You can be on a date already deciding you don’t like the person before you’ve actually gotten to know them.

You can be at your friend’s birthday party wishing you were home the entire time.

You can show up to something and never actually give yourself the opportunity to experience it.

And that’s the difference I’m talking about when I say staying is harder than showing up.

Staying requires more than attendance, it requires participation and be present

While also recognizing that the first 10-20 minutes does not represent the entire experience, you’re just not giving it a chance to turn around

Take a networking event for example,

You walk in, don’t talk to anyone, stand awkwardly for 10 minutes, say ‘at least you showed up’ and walk out

When in about 20 minutes someone could’ve approached you who is also there alone, or is very extroverted, and now you’ve missed out on the opportunity to have a wonderful conversation 

And who knows where that could’ve led to

Instead, you decided that discomfort means it’s time to leave

And that is a bad habit to get into

Because the best things in life are sitting on the other side of discomfort, your brain is just hating the moment itself and wishes it could be anywhere else that is more comfortable and familiar 

And to the point I made about the networking event i went to recently, not every experience has to be labeled as amazing

Not every date has to lead to a another one

Not every friend’s birthday party has to come home with fun memories

Not every gym workout has to have pr’s

But that doesn’t mean you should give up after the first go around, it means you should keep trying and staying committed to the things you say you want even when they aren’t giving you immediate validation.

Which brings me back to my personal training client.

Because for the first year, he thought showing up was the accomplishment.

And honestly, it was.

At that point, getting him through the door was the win.

But three years in? That’s not the win anymore.

Now the win is actually doing the workout.

It’s pushing him and no longer giving into his excuses as to why he can’t do something

Because at some point showing up switches from being the accomplishment to just being a means to getting you in the room, and then staying gives you the opportunity for change

So, how do we get you to stay

For one, you need to give yourself an out.. A time limit… for anything in life I say at least 30 minutes

Networking event, date, birthday party, the gym, whatever it is.. The thing you don’t want to go to and feel like you’re feet are attached to cement blocks dragging you through every step to that door

Go in with a time in mind of how long you are willing to stay at the minimum

Because if an event is say 2 or 3 hours long, getting your brain on board for that duration is going to be a challenge

But something like 30 minutes, is a lot more digestible

It’s less than an episode on netflix, you can do anything for 30 minutes

And when that 30 minute mark comes around, you can then decide if you want to leave or not

As long as you give yourself an honest assessment that you tried for 30 minutes

Which doesn’t look like standing in a corner alone, or on your phone, or if you’re at the gym just sitting on the floor staring off into space

Did you honestly try in those 30 minutes to make yourself feel more comfortable or the event worth it

And if the answer is yes, and you want to leave the second the timer counts down to zero, then by all means leave

This way you’re not telling yourself you have to stay the whole time, but you do need to give it a chance

And within that, give yourself a goal to accomplish something while you’re there

For example, if it’s a first date, learn 5 new things about this person

If it’s a networking event have 3 genuine conversations not centered around work or swapping business cards

If it’s the gym, do 2 exercises that feel really good

If it’s a friend’s birthday, share one memory of the birthday person with someone else

Because if your only goal is to survive the experience, you’re going to spend the entire time looking for the exit

So switch your focus to what will help you determine for yourself if you tried to make the most of the thing you don’t want to be at for when those 30 minutes come to an end

And lastly, stop waiting to feel ready to go

You’re relying solely on motivation when you do that, and when it’s something that requires effort and maybe even some discomfort, that motivation is rarely going to come when you need it to

You need to go because you said you would

Even when your extroverted self said yes, even when you didn’t know how long and crazy of a day you were going to end up having, even when you’re tired

Stay true to your yes and show up, even if it’s just for a little while

Do not let your current mood dictate your commitments

Because if you say yes when you’re feeling really excited and then cancel every time that excitement wears off, you’re never going to build consistency

And you’re never going to get anywhere in life

The last thing i want to say on this topic before I wrap things up is that when I say it’s important to show up and stay and not just show up or not just rely on motivation to get you to show up

I don’t mean you have to fight through your mind demons every time

Sometimes not showing up is better for the overall experience of everyone else, if say you’re having a bad day, feeling under the weather, or got like 4 hours of sleep the night before

It’s learning the difference between deciding off of your emotion and deciding off of objective measures

Because there is a difference between being tired after a long day and no longer wanting to go to something, and being totally depleted where your eyes are barely staying open

Or between feeling nervous and situation being unsafe

Or mainly, not wanting to go and genuinely needing that time to rest

It’s on you to be real with yourself around which experience you’re having and decide from there

Afterall, you are an adult and can make decisions for yourself, but if you continue to take the easy way out… like staying home or just showing up to immediately walk back at the door so you can say you showed up, then you’re not going to get very far in life

Because chances are, when you do show up, you’re not going to immediately want to stay, you’re going to wish you never go out of the car

So pause, take a breath, stay for 30 minutes, decide from there and give yourself enough time to have an experience around the place you showed up to

Have you talked to someone, have you finished a set of exercises, have you asked questions, have you achieved any part of the goals you set out on prior to walking in?

Or have you just been staring at the clock waiting for those 30 minutes to end

Because at some point, you have to stop getting credit for just showing up

You have to actually participate in your own life

Showing up gets you started

Staying is what actually gives you a chance to get somewhere

Which is why showing up isn’t the hardest part, staying is

And I created a free resource that helps you with the showing up and staying and it’s called 3 ways to walk into any room with confidence

So if you want access to that pdf, click the link in the show notes or head to jessdiamondcoaching.com/confidence and it’ll be there waiting for you

And on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

So if you liked what you heard, learned something new, know someone who is like my personal training client and just checks the box of showing up without actually giving it a shot, then please send this to them

Post it to your story, share it with a friend, give me a 5 star rating

Just do something that helps me reach all of the twenty-somethings navigating the most confusing decade of their life

And as always, i can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode