What no one tells you about getting pregnant

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You’re listening to how to twenty something, the best podcast that helps both men and women navigate their twenties and learn how to “adult” across all aspects of their lives

We’re going to focus on career, relationships, finances, fitness, nutrition, and all of the common challenges and obstacles a typical twenty something will face in this post-college life

I’m your host, Jess Diamond, and I am the CEO and founder of Jess Diamond Coaching where I help young professionals get their shit together, gain their confidence, and own their life

No one prepares you for this adulting world so allow me to help you feel like you are no longer a chicken running around with its head cut off, and that you actually know what the hell is going on and what your next step to take is

Welcome to How To Twenty Something

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Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something where today’s topic is unlike a topic i’ve done in the past, it’s on getting pregnant

And before you get your panties in a twist, I am going to say this slowly and very clearly: this. Episode. Is. not. About. Me. 

Okay

I am not pregnant, I am not trying to get pregnant, I am several years away from that part of my life

But that being said, I do have a lot of friends right now who are trying to get pregnant.. Either they’ve started prenatal vitamins and care, have had miscarriages, or plan to have pregnancy in their cards at some point within the next year

I also feel like everytime I open facebook, because yes I still use facebook, I see someone else posting their pregnancy announcement or birth

So I wanted to break down what no one tells you about getting pregnant, because it seems to be a relevant conversation in my life

First off, if you’re a type-a girly pop like me, you’re probably family planning

Thinking about when you would ideally want to have your baby, how fast you want to get pregnant, what you want your birth to be like, all the things

If there is something that can sort of be planned, you’re going to want to plan it

And that’s your problem from the start

You cannot plan pregnancy or child birth or motherhood

We planned so much of our life that will lead up to parenthood so far: the right relationship, right location to live, right career to support your growing family

That when it comes time to plan for a baby, you figure cool just like what I’ve been planning with all the other things

We assume that once our life is ready for a baby, our body will simply follow suit

And unfortunately, that’s just not how things work

Which is part of what I want to highlight in today’s episode

I’m going to hit you with the statistics, the things that are way more common than you think, why your journey is going to look completely different from everyone else’s even if everything goes perfectly, and basically everything else that no one tells you about getting pregnant

Because this journey is going to take longer than you think

That can be very jarring because we all grew up with the safe sex talk and how to not accidentally get pregnant

And then we had shows like I didn’t know I was pregnant and 16 and pregnant 

So it gave this illusion that any unprotected sex is going to result in a baby

And then you go and give it a go.. Which honestly people saying they’re trying for a baby is so funny to me because it’s such a pleasant way to tell everyone you’re fucking on the reg without protection

Sorry mom

But if you’re that person that’s trying, you quickly realize that after that first month of trying and the result is no positive pregnancy test that it’s not as easy to get pregnant as you once thought

Even if you have regular periods, a healthy lifestyle, and a healthy partner to go along with it

So here’s the reality of your journey: the average couple in their twenties with no known fertility issues takes anywhere from six months to a year to conceive

Let me say that again because I think it is important

Six months to a year, even when nothing is wrong

Only about 30% of couples conceive in the very first month of trying

Which means a majority of the people around you do not successfully conceive a child or take a child to full term the 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd month of trying

And if you’re someone who has been on birth control for the last several years, you need to know that stopping birth control does not automatically make you fertile and ready to conceive

For some people that is the case, but I’d say for a majority of females, it can take several months for your cycle to regulate even if you were on the lowest dose of hormonal birth control as possible

It takes the average women 3-6 months to regulate her hormones post birth control, providing there are no underlying issues that were previously being masked by the birth control

So if you’re wanting kids in the next year or 2 and are on birth control or recently stopped, this time to regulate is a very important thing to factor into your timeline

Now, i’m telling you all this to readjust your expectations so your next negative pregnancy test does not spiral you into thinking something is wrong

Because statistically, you are probably right on track which is why your obgyn is going to tell you to come back after trying for a year before exploring other alternatives or help with getting pregnant 

And then once you are fortunate enough to get pregnant there is still a chance you miscarry

Something else people don’t talk about often enough

I mean sure once they are successful you might see someone say this is their rainbow baby which eludes to the fact that they had at least one miscarriage prior to a successful birth of a child

But in actuality, 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage

So when you think about it, that number is much higher since a lot of women don’t even know they’re pregnant when they do miscarry 

They just think their period came late

Which means the rate of miscarriages is probably closer to 30% 

That might not sound like a lot, but it comes out to every 1 in 3 pregnancies result in a loss

And yet women are silently carrying these experiences because people don’t talk about it

It becomes one of the loneliest experiences of a women’s life and it’s during a time when you need all of the support of other women while it’s happening

The grief needs to be discussed a lot more openly

I have a friend who I think did it right, the first time I met her we were talking about the gym and she immediately told me about her recent miscarriage, her third one

And if I had a miscarriage story I would have been able to say it right back to her, but I am trying to prevent pregnancy for the next few years

However, since I am in the health and wellness space, I was still able to talk about it with her, validate her experience, make her feel normal when it can feel so isolating and I loved that she was so transparent about it

I was able to talk to her about how common miscarriages are

For those of you listening, it is so beyond common the first time you get pregnant solely because your body has no idea what it’s doing

So it doesn’t have any of the processes set up to bring a fetus to full term

Your miscarriage is not caused by working out too much, having a glass of wine before you knew you were pregnant, jumping up and down or anything else you did or did not do

So do not feel guilty or blame yourself when it is something that is out of your control and very common

Your body is figuring it out and will continue to do so until it’s successful

Now, if you are someone who has a stressful job or undereats or overtrains or any combination of that then yeah, your body is going to terminate a pregnancy because it doesn’t want to reproduce into an environment unfit for a helpless child

So if this keeps happening and you can recognize that you’re not fueling yourself properly or working out every day or your job is stressful either physically or mentally, then something is going to have to give in order for your body to feel okay with bringing a baby to your world

I told this friend who had three miscarriages, a stressful job, and a workout plan for every day of the week that her body is probably too stressed to conceive to full term

And she wants a new job which is a place to start, but before she knows what she’s switching careers to, we talked about dialing back her workouts

She’s doing what she can to mitigate her own stress and you should be doing the same in your own life

Now, this is a podcast for twenty-somethings so there is a really solid chance most of you listening are not in the making baby phase of your life

And because having kids later in life is becoming more and more common, there are some things you should know about waiting to get pregnant

Because i’m right there with you, i still feel like a child and do not plan on having kids for like the next several years

I want to focus on my career and enjoy my relationship before i welcome the responsibility of being a parent into the mix

And i recognize there is a trade off with this decision

Waiting to have kids until you are in your thirties does make it that much more difficult to have kids

Not impossible, but more difficult

Because you are born with all the eggs you will ever have.. You don’t create more, it’s not like hair growth or nail growth where it keeps coming

I think a lot of people don’t know that about a women’s eggs and just assume an egg is created each month until menopause

But really you have all your eggs you will ever have at birth.. And as you get older your quantity and quality of eggs decline.. That’ just the natural process of the female anatomy

So by 35 your chances of conceiving drastically drop

It doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful pregnancy in your late thirties even to mid forties, you definitely can

Anne Hathaway, for example, is 43 and pregnant with her third kid

So don’t freak out that if you’re not married and stable by the time you’re 30 that your chances of parenthood are out the window 

But it is still something to consider as you get older

Because women do indeed have a biological clock

And men aren’t off the hook either because their fertility rates have also declined globally over the last several decades

In fact, male infertility accounts for roughly 40-50% of all infertility cases

So there is more to getting pregnant than the female body or age or lifestyle and it’s important to recognize that and educate yourself when it comes time to family plan

Now, the last thing i want to touch on with this topic is what i mentioned at the beginning of this episode and it’s what makes this entire experience harder and more isolating than it needs to be

And it’s about your feed being flooded with everyone’s success

The pregnancy announcement

The bumpdates

The birth

The newborn shoot

The monthly updates for their first year of life

You see the joy and none of the hardship that it probably took to get there

And when you are in the thick of your own journey and it is not going the way you planned, you are comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel

Just like every other area of your life when things aren’t going so well

We treat pregnancy loss and struggles as something that’s private, personal.. And it is private and personal

Which is why you need to take your social media, surface level interactions, with a grain of salt and actually talk about things with your close friends and family members

Because the more you openly talk about what’s happening with the people you know and trust, the less alone you’ll feel when your journey doesn’t look like the ones you’re seeing online

Because no two journeys look the same

You could have two people the same age, same health, same lifestyle and can have completely different experiences trying to conceive

One gets pregnant the first month, one tries for two years

One carries every pregnancy to term, one experiences multiple losses before a successful birth

There is also PCOS, endometriosis, thyroid issues, uterine abnormalities, sperm morphology, sperm motility, and a dozen other factors that can affect conception that most people have never heard of until they are sitting in a fertility clinic being told about them for the first time

Which is why comparing your journey to someone else’s is never going to be helpful

The only story that matters here is yours and seeking out the doctors and resources to help you understand it better and try your damned hardest to conceive

Because you can do all the planning you want and your body is on a completely different page

Pregnancy is not guaranteed and it’s certainly rarely going to happen exactly when you want it to

So the best thing you can do right now is talk to professionals: your OBGYN, an REI doctor, even your therapist and to your friends and family members

Voice your frustrations, concerns, and fears and just get honest with yourself and with others so you don’t walk this journey alone

Because there are a lot of things no one tells you about trying to get pregnant and bring a healthy baby to terms and I’ve only just scraped the surface with what’s really going on in our society

But this episode was designed to get the conversations going and I hope it is going to do just that

So on that note, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something

If you liked what you heard, learned something new, or know someone who is starting to family plan

Then please share this episode, send it to them, post it to social media, give me a five star rating just do something to help all the future parents of this world navigate a very confusing and isolating journey 

And if you don’t want kids yourself, know that that is totally okay too.. Hmm maybe i’ll make an episode on being child free in the future

Anywho, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode